Tomorrow will be two weeks since I changed my friends.
No one from the old group tried to reconnect with me. They deserve each other.
But now that I'm hanging out with Louis and his guys, the tension between our two groups is even more palpable.
Tonight there is a school party, I'm not sure what the occasion is, probably someone from the younger class is trying to climb the school hierarchy and is organizing a party at his house and invited the entire school.
I would never have come up with such a stupid idea to invite so many people I don't know, but from what I heard it's some rich kid so the cleaners will probably clean everything anyway.
And let's be honest, I won't say no to a party.
Louis is going to pick me and the boys up and we're going together to the address the boy gave us earlier.
I'm standing outside my house now, waiting for my friends. I'm wearing a black sweatshirt, black skinny jeans and the bandana that Jasmine gave me.
Maybe it's inappropriate, especially since she will also be at the party, but if she gave it to me, why should I not wear it?
I see a car coming and stopping next to me.
The passenger window rolls down and Zayn's face appears.
"Get in, Harry."
I walk around the car and open the rear driver's door.
Liam moves sideways closer to Niall to make room for me and I get into the car.
"Buckle up, Harry." Louis says to me.
The boys chuckle a bit.
"Why? The boys are not wearing seatbelts." I say.
"They are stupid. Buckle up, Hazz." Tomlinson says once again.
I roll my eyes and reach for my seat belt.
"Done." I inform the driver.
Louis starts the car and we all go to the party.
Zayn lightly rubs the brunette's shoulder behind the wheel. "Aww, cute Tommo cares about our baby boy." He says sarcasticly.
Louis doesn't react to this comment.
Liam leans forward so that his head is between the front seats. "Our strong defender is worried about little Harry." He giggles.
"Shut up, Payne..." Tomlinson says.
The boy next to me laughs and returns to his previous position.
*
We arrive at the party late, of course, because Zayn said that the popular kids are always late.
And whether we like it or not, we are popular.
"Okay lads, let's show them how real people party." Niall says and we walk into the house.
When I walk through the threshold, I am hit by the heavy smell of alcohol and cigarettes.
Zayn and Liam go straight to the kitchen to get us drinks and me, Louis and Niall go to the living room to sit down.
On the couch, the first people I see are Jake, Sarah, Jennifer and Jasper.
Of course they are here too.
They give me the dirty look and Louis gives them the middle finger in response with a crooked grimace on his face.
Jake rolls his eyes at what the brunette next to me did and returns to the earlier conversation.
"Yo! McClair! Get your fat ass off the couch!" Louis shouts over the loud music to my ex-friend what causes few people look at us.
"Suck my dick, Tomlinson! I bet you'd love to!" Jake laughs.
Even more people are looking at us now.
"Let's go somewhere else. Maybe kitchen? Zayn and Liam are already there." I say quietly to my friends.
"But-"
"He's right, Louis. Let's not ruin the party with some stupid argument." Niall interrupts the older boy.
Louis sighs. "Fine. But if one of these idiots talks to me or even gives me a dirty look, I promise I won't hold back this time. These little shits allow themselves too much."
When we walk towards the kitchen and I think everything will be fine, I suddenly hear Jake.
Damn it.
"Yeah! Fuck off Tomlinson, listen to your gay little boyfriend and fuck off you faggot!"
Oh boy...
"Lou..." I try to calm the boy next to me.
I really don't want to make a fuss.
I see Louis clench his hands into fists. This won't end well.
"Come outside the house in 10 minutes if you're not a coward, Jake!" The brunette next to me shouts and people start whispering.
Louis walks towards the kitchen and Niall and I follow him.
"What the fuck, mate? Couldn't you let go? Just this once." Niall complains as we enter the room.
"What happened?" Liam asks.
"Louis was arguing with Jake and they're going to meet outside the house in 10 minutes to fight." The blonde boy sighs.
Zayn chuckles and immediately pours a drink for our friend who is about to fight in just few minutes. "What did he do?"
"He called me a faggot." Tomlinson mutters.
"That's it? Jesus Lou, since when do you worry about stuff like this?" The boy with dark hair asks.
I look at Louis. We all do.
"I don't." He answers briefly. "But someone has to take care of this boy because he thinks he's someone important or something. Give me another drink."
Liam pours him some vodka and coke into a cup.
I pull the brunette by the sleeve of his sweatshirt to get his attention.
"We need to talk." I say as he's looking at me.
We take a few steps away from our friends to have at least a little privacy.
"What the hell are you doing?" I ask in a low voice.
"Fuck Harry, I'm not going to let him call me things like that."
"But you don't have to fight him." I say slightly nervous.
"Hazz, of course I will win against him. Not the first and not the last time." He smiles at me slightly.
"Let's hope so..."
Then the older boy takes one last shot, Zayn once told me that Louis fights better when he's drunk because he doesn't think so much, and we go behind the house where a small circle is already forming, with Jake in it.
Apparently people heard their conversation.
"Look who's here, Tomlinson. I thought you wouldn't show up." Jake says as he sees us.
"I thought about it, but I thought it would look really nice on you with a black eye. Purple suits you." Louis says sarcastically in a nice voice.
"I see this whole gay thing is already affecting you. What did Styles do that suddenly makes you interested in colors?" The boy says with slight disgust.
And I thought Jake was tolerant.
My friend to whom these words were addressed did not answer anything and immediately hit Jake in the face with a right hook.
People probably didn't expect such a sudden reaction and I hear a lot of gasps.
Jake staggered slightly, spit out saliva and looks with hatred at the brunette who hit him. "Fucking fag. You don't even know how to fight politely, you just attack without warning."
Louis bends down slightly and rests his hands on his knees. He speaks in very sweet tone. "Ohhh, my sudden behavior probably made you pee a little, huh? Jake, honey, you're not in the 9th grade anymore to pee in your pants."
I hear several people laughing.
"What is it about?" I ask Niall.
"In 9th grade, after Louis tickled Jake in gym class, he peed himself." He whispers to me.
Oh God...
"Yeah Jake! Show us your pants!" Someone from behind shouts.
I can see McClair getting even more nervous. A smirk creeps onto his face.
"Well, well, well, Tomlinson." He stands straight again. "Well, let's share with people what you did during the winter break, since we already share such things. Or maybe it would be better if I told WHO you were doing."
I hear people whispering around me.
Fuck Jake, don't do this, mate...
Louis starts laughing. However, even though it sounds like laughter of contempt, I already know that this sound is a defensive sound because he feels threatened. I don't want to be here because I know he will deny everything and hurt me again.
"Jake, we know that you will probably say something about gays because you probably watch too much gay porn, so let it go because no one will believe your words." Louis says.
I think I'd rather have them fight than talk because they're entering dangerous territory.
"Fight!" Someone shouts from behind. Fortunately, God seemed to hear my prayers.
Jake smiles at the man who screamed and then punches Louis in the jaw with all his might.
Tomlinson's head is turned sideways by the force of the impact, but all I see is his sick, psychopath-like smile, and he punches Jake in the stomach.
When the younger boy doubles over, Louis grabs the boy's arms to hold him down before he hits him in the face with his knee.
My friend pulls Jake's hair with his hand and then punches him in the jaw with the other one.
Jake spits out blood and punches Louis in the jaw from below, which frees him from the grip.
"Fucker." The shorter brunette speaks through his teeth before punching Jake in the nose.
Because I was standing in the first row of the circle, I think I heard the crunch of a bone breaking.
Jake clutches his nose with a groan and raises his hand to show that he's giving up.
The loser is covered in blood and has a swollen face.
Louis is also bloody, maybe not as much as Jake, but to be honest, I like what I see. He looks kinda hot.
Liam and Zayn cheer for our friend and give him a drink.
"Thanks." Winner says taking the plastic cup of alcohol from Malik.
I bend down to see what Louis' chin looks like from the bottom. It's cut open by Jake's signet ring, lots of blood.
"I've been in worse shape." He says to me probably to calm me down.
"Mhm, yeah, c'mon, I'll take care of it." I grab Louis' arm and we walk towards the house. "Guys, find some places to sit." I say to the others before disappearing into the house with the older boy.
I go to the bathroom with him. I make me sit on the toilet while I search through the cabinets hoping to find a first aid kit.
"I'm fine, Styles." The boy speaks in an indifferent voice to my back.
"But you could be better." I answer briefly and return to my search.
"Are you mad?"
"No."
"You sound like you are."
"Well I am not."
But I will if that idiot keeps fighting with Jake every chance he gets.
He sighs. "Yes you are."
I find the first aid kit and smile to myself. I take the box and turn to Louis. "Okay, maybe I am, so just sit here and be good."
He chuckles.
"I'm serious. Head up."
The boy tilts his head back so that I have easier access to his wound.
I can see he's smiling. I sigh. "What?"
"Nothing. I just like it when you take care of me." He speaks in a flirty tone.
I roll my eyes. Jesus, does he have to try to flirt with me even now?
Without warning, I place a cotton pad soaked in disinfectant on his wound to clean it because I want it to burn because he's slowly irritating me.
But I don't get any reaction.
"Doesn't it hurt you?" I ask confused. It should burn like hell.
"Nah, I'm used to it." He replies in a bored voice.
"Used to it? Why?"
I mean, I know that's why Louis often walks around with bruises but... Why? What is the reason for it?
"None of your business."
Oh for fuck's sake.
I throw away the cotton pad and set the first aid kit aside, causing the boy's eyes to land on me.
"What?" He asks confused.
"I won't fucking patch you up if you never tell me anything. I don't know what's going on between us, but it irritates me that you keep these fucking secrets all the time. "None of your business." "None of your business." It is my fucking business, Tomlinson!" I speak with a slightly raised voice.
"Be quiet."
"No! I won't be fucking quiet. You're pissing me off with your secrets. I'm really-"
I don't have time to finish because suddenly Louis gets up from the toilet and grabs the back of my neck with one hand and covers my mouth with the other.
"You don't need to know anything, Styles. You do not want to know. You think you want to, but you don't." Tomlinson speaks in a quiet but strong voice. "Understood?"
I nod and he lets me go.
"Louis what the fuck? Jesus just tell me what's going on! You never say anything about yourself. I know it doesn't mean very long, but fuck, every time I ask something you tell me it's none of my business." I speak quickly so he doesn't interrupt me again.
"Britney stop fucking talking."
"Don't call me Britney for fuck's sake!" I see that he wants to leave so I grab his wrist. "Why can't you fucking trust me?!"
"Oh, do you want me to trust you? You want me to fucking trust you?! Okay, I'll trust you now." He says in an angry tone.
After these words, the brunet lifts his shirt and I see a lot of dark purple bruises. They're fresh.
But how? Jake didn't punch him in the stomach. It had to be someone else...
"Louis..."
The boy drops his shirt and leaves the bathroom.
I sigh and mumble to myself. "He's like a child..."
I go after him.
I see my boys on the couch. I approach them.
"Do you know where Louis went?" I ask. I'm pretty sure you can hear the worry in my voice.
"He left just now. Something happened?" Niall says, I can see he's concerned now.
"Nothing happened, I just need to find him."
"Maybe you'll catch him, he just got out." Zayn says to me.
I nod and leave the house.
Why can't I have one normal party? One fucking party.
I stand in front of the building and look around.
Where is that brunette? Where the fuck is he?
Suddenly I see a figure very similar to Louis's, smoking a cigarette under a tree.
I sigh and walk over to him.
"Louis, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to be nosy..." I say sadly.
"Whatever." Tomlinson answers.
"I'm worried, that's all."
He inhales the smoke. "I already told you not to worry about me."
"I know, but I can't help it."
Louis turns his head to me. "Fuck Styles, stop fucking caring about me." He speaks through his teeth.
I just stare at him.
"I thought we..."
"Well you thought wrong." He answers briefly, telling me to leave him alone.
"Lou..."
"I'm not your fucking Lou!" The older boy answers angrily.
"But..."
"But what?! What?!"
Now we just look at each other. Louis' face is full of anger and I probably look like a scared puppy.
"Doesn't matter..." I say and go back to the party.
I walk through the living room, I hear my friends calling my name, but I pass them and go straight to the kitchen.
I open the fridge and take out a beer.
If he can act like an asshole, so will I.
I drink the beer quickly despite the bitter taste on my tongue.
I'm about to take another one but someone grabs my arm before I even touch the glass bottle.
"What's going on, Harry?"
I freeze.
"Why do you care, Jasmine. We're not friends anymore..." I answer dryly.
"We may not be friends anymore, but that doesn't mean we have to be enemies. What happened? You know I'm not Jake, so you can tell me." The girl tells me in caring voice.
"You may not be Jake, but you're Jasmine, so you'll probably tell him everything anyway."
I break free from her grip and reach for my beer.
"Harry, c'mon on..."
"Stop it! Just fucking leave me alone!" I shout at her.
She didn't expect my sudden aggression and pulls away from me with shock on her face.
"Hazz..."
"Ugh! Jesus Jasmine, stop with the Hazz thing!"
"But..."
"But what?! What?!"
God, I sound like Louis...
I sigh. "Just... Leave me alone, okay?" I take another beer in my hand and go to the bathroom on the upper floor, leaving the girl in the kitchen.
I lock the door behind me and sit on the ground. I open a glass bottle of bitter liquid and start drinking.
Nothing matters now, it's me and the beer.
The music is dull, barely audible, and my blurred vision wanders around the bathroom.
A wet spot appears on my pants. And another one. And another one.
My tears.
I take a sip of the hop drink. And another one. And another one.
The vision starts to get even blurrier.
I can not breathe.
What's going on?
Fuck no... I don't want to do this.
I have to do this.
I do not want to but I have to.
Fucking Louis Tomlinson.
I'm holding back. Another sip. Another wet stain on my pants. Another shallow breath.
I don't fucking want to do this.
I have to. There's no other way.
Fuck it sure is. I can leave and go to my friends. To Louis.
I need Louis.
I hate Louis.
Louis, Louis, Louis...
Another sip.
Empty bottle.
I open another bottle.
Louis where are you???
Help me, Louis...
I still can't breathe.
More and more wet streaks on my red face.
Sharp. I need something sharp.
No I don't.
Yes you do, Harry! You're a fucking loser! It's the only thing you know how to do!
Louis where are you? Please....
I can't feel my body. I don't move it, but I get up.
It's not me.
I get up and search the drawers desperately.
Something sharp. Something sharp. Something sharp.
God, I hate myself.
Louis please save me...
TW!
(If you don't want to read this part then skip it)
Razor blade. It's at the bottom of the drawer and it's calling me.
"Use me! Use me! I'll help you!" It says.
I cry even harder and reach for the metal baby.
My baby.
Louis.
For fuck's sake, where are you?
Red.
Jesus what did I do...
There is no turning back.
Burn. My wrist burns.
I'm pathetic.
Red liquid on my skin, red liquid on my sleeve, red liquid on the floor.
Wait... There shouldn't be so much red...
Stop it. Someone stop it! I don't want it anymore.
Louis where are you?!?!
Please!
No, no, no... Fuck... Too much blood...
There has never been so much blood.
Why is there so much blood?
I cry even harder.
You're so pathetic that you can't even take off your pants to cut your thighs, you just cut your veins. You can't even cut yourself without dying. But maybe that's a good thing, you're hopeless anyway.
The voices...
Someone stop them...
Louis...
I need Louis...
With a shaking hand, I reach for the phone.
It falls.
I pick it up again.
I dial the number.
It's calling.
One signal. Second signal.
Please pick up...
Third signal.
He won't answer.
Fourth signal.
I only see red.
"Hello?"
"Please..."
"Harry? What happened? Where are you?"
Silent.
"Harry?"
Nothing.
Jesus, this light is too bright.
"Hazza, where are you?!"
I feel at peace. It's so peaceful here.
"For fuck's sake! Darling, where are you?!"
Darling...
Louis.
"Lou?"
"Oh my God. Where are you?!"
"It's very bright here..."
"Hazz! Where are you?! Answer me for fuck's sake, moron!"
I'm sleepy. I really want to sleep.
"Baby, please fucking answer me!"
Baby...
God my wrist hurts...
"Bathroom... Please... Help..."
"Fuck... I'm coming!"
Silence.
Only the silence. Jesus, how I love silence.
Can I still feel my wrist?
Am I still alive?
I want to do it again. Just to make sure I can feel my wrist...
No!
Yes...
Fuck!
Louis please...
Another red line.
I can't control myself.
Another line.
Blood.
More blood.
I'm stupid.
Bang!
Jesus it's so loud.
Bang! Bang!
"Harry open the door!"
Lou?
"Harry please!"
Niall?
My eyelids feel heavy.
I'm going to sleep.
I'll just close my eyes for a moment.
I do not hear anything.
Something is touching me.
I can not see.
"Louis... Please..."
I cry.
Someone's crying too I think.
I don't want to be here.
I'm scared.
Where's my mom? I want my mom.
Mommy please help me...
"Ha... Plea... We... Don't... G..."
What? I can't hear you! Please! Please help me! I don't want this anymore! It was stupid!
Can you hear me?!
Louis! Louis! Please! I'm still here!
I'm not here...
I'm gone...
"Don't... Eye..."
What? Who is it?!
I have no strength.
I can't breathe anymore.
I fall asleep.
Okay it's over, you can read from now if you skipped<3
Soft. Brightly. Cold.
Where am I?
I can't open my eyes. Too bright.
Pain.
Why do I feel pain?
Where is Louis?
"Harry?"
It's me. I'm Harry.
I need to open my eyes.
I open them. Jesus why is it so hard?
So bright in here.
"Jesus Harry... You're alive... God... Don't ever do that again, silly."
I look at the woman next to me. My mom. Fuck. She knows.
"Where is Louis?" I ask.
I need to see him, mom. Please... Let me see him. I have to apologize to him.
"Should I go get him?"
I nod.
My mother leaves and after a while comes back with Louis. When he sees me, he immediately runs to my bed.
He cried. Why was he crying? I don't like it when he cries.
"You moron, don't to this to me ever again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." He cries again.
"Where am I?"
"You are in a hospital..."
A hospital? What?
"Harry, you were dead... Literally, you died... You died in my arms..." He cries even more.
"But I'm here. I couldn't die."
"But you did."
The boy touches my hand carefully.
"Where is Niall? I heard Niall."
"What?"
"In the bathroom. I heard him. Where is he?"
Louis sighs. "Harry it was 3 days ago..."
3 days? I was unconscious for 3 days?
"I'm sorry..." I whisper. I feel tears in my eyes.
"What? No, no, no. Don't be sorry. It's not your fault. It's my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." He cries. "You are very tough Harry. You called me then. You were waiting for me. If I had arrived a minute later..." Louis breaks down. "I'm sorry... I wasn't nice to you again. It's because of me. You did it because of me..."
What's happening to him?
"What? No. Louis... I..."
"Don't. I'll be better, Harry. I promise. I'll be better." He chuckles. "Jesus, Hazz..." He stops talking for a moment so he can just smile and look at me. "Harry, I... I think I lo-"
"How are we feeling, Harry?" A man in a white coat entered the room.
Louis immediately moves away from me to make space for the doctor.
"I'm good. My wrist kinda hurts." I say.
"A lot?" The man asks.
I nod.
Louis is sad again. He seemed so happy a moment ago.
"I'll go see if we have any painkillers that might help you." The man smiles at me and leaves.
I look at Louis.
"This man interrupted you. What were you going to say?" I ask nicely.
The brunette just smiles at me. "Oh, nothing... I'm just glad you're here."