Alec's arms tensed around me. Had I really just said that out loud? I was embarrassed enough that I was crying. I expected him to recoil from me, to shout, or even curse. Instead his lips grazed my ear. "I love you, too."
I shuddered in his arms. He released me. "No more, Nat. We can't talk about this anymore, okay?"
I turned around, the stain of tears were still present on my cheeks. I nodded and exhaled. "We should run."
He seemed thankful for the subject change, his eyes widened briefly and then he nodded. "Yeah, um... let me just get my stuff on. Want me to meet at your house in about ten minutes?"
"Sure." I gave him the most cheerful smile I could conjure up and bolted out the door. I ran the entire way to my house. I only had a few minutes and I needed those minutes like I needed air.
Once I was inside my bedroom, I slammed the door behind me, fell to my knees and wept.
True to his word, ten minutes later Alec was outside knocking on the door. I splashed my face with water and grabbed my phone and ear buds.
I didn't look any worse for the wear. He was a boy, but he wasn't a complete idiot. He'd know I would cry, so it shouldn't surprise him all that much.
"Ready?" he asked the minute I opened the door.
"Yup." I gave him a cheerful smile and prayed silently that I would make it through the run without having a complete breakdown.
After the first mile, the familiar strain in my legs began anew, helping me refocus on my breathing and pace rather than on the ache in my chest from this morning. My mind flashed to Alec in bed, our bodies entwined, our kiss heated. It was like nothing I had ever experienced mainly because my response to him was so different — primal even. I craved more, needed more from him.
Whatever they were hiding must be big. The bond they had with one another was scary strong, almost as if they both had some traumatic experience and lived through it. The only thing I could think of was their father having cancer. I can't imagine.
At mile four, we were getting ready to turn back when Demetri's voice came over the speakers. I smiled and looked at Alec.
"What?" he asked.
"One of your songs. Demetri's singing," I said.
Alec smiled. "He's talented."
And that was it. We both stood there looking at one another with sadness, love, friendship, and secrets. I took everything we shared and again stored it into that tiny place in my brain where I labeled the box Alec. It could have said first love on it, but I was lucky enough to have two loves in my life, and the choice had been taken from me by the very boy who had forever reflecting in his eyes.
"Race you back?" I grinned.
"Don't trip," Alec teased and pushed me before taking off.
Tears blurred my vision as I chased after him. It was too close to a metaphor for my current situation in life. I would never reach him, never have him, and if I was lucky enough to catch him for even one second, he would always run.
Odd, that in the end Demetri would be the safe one. The one I could trust with my heart.
****
"Nat, hurry up!" Alesha shouted from downstairs.
I rolled my eyes at the reflection in the mirror and put in my earrings. The guys won their football game, and we were quickly trying to get ready for the dance. We had to be there earlier than everyone else so we could take tickets and make sure nobody snuck in alcohol or kids from other schools. "Coming!" I fired back, grabbing my shoes from the box on the bed and skipping down the stairs.
Alec was at the bottom talking with Evan. They were both in black slacks and nice shirts, but it was Alec who stood out. Of course he would wear all black. His clothes screamed expensive, you could actually see the thread count difference between his shirt and Evan's, and I was a few feet away from them.
"Wow!" Evan applauded. "You clean up well, Nat."
I rolled my eyes and looked to Alec for approval. His mouth was set in a grim line. I tilted my head to the side and cleared my throat. "Does my date approve?"
"Yes." His voice was hoarse, his eyes dark, he looked away and licked his lips.
Alesha grabbed my hand. "Okay, got everything you need? Because we needed to be there like ten minutes ago!"
"Yup." I put on a pair of flip flops and held my shoes in my hand. No way was I going to wear those babies all night.
We rode in Alec's car, because there really was no use renting a limo when your date has such a cool ride.
My phone buzzed.
HV FN 2NITE, BBY. MISS U SO MCH! –D
I smiled and texted him back.
MISS U 2! I DN'T THNK UR BRO LKS MY DRESS. J
WHT? U'D LK GD N ANYTHNG. TK A PIC & SND IT 2 ME.
"Evan, can you take a picture?" I asked slyly and posed for the camera. I quickly sent it to Demetri and waited.
My alert went off.
DAMN. I H8 MY BRO RT NOW. TELL HIM 2 KP HIS DRTY HNDS OFF.
Guilt stabbed me in the chest. I needed to reassure him.
NO WRRIES! MISS U SO MCH. COME HME SN?
He replied instantly.
PROMISE.
I sighed and put the phone back in my clutch. Alec hadn't said two words since we got into the car. Maybe he was just trying to keep his distance. I couldn't blame him. After our run the day before, we had gone our separate ways and said perhaps three words to each other before meeting up for Homecoming. It just seemed easier to avoid everything.
We pulled up to the school parking lot. Music was already booming from inside. We rushed in, Alesha went to the tickets, and Alec and I were put on door patrol.
After ten minutes we realized that it wouldn't work. Too many kids were excited to see Alec and almost every single girl that walked by blatantly ignored her date, all with looks in their eyes that said, "I'll drop him in a second if you smile at me."
Alec was polite but I could tell it was wearing on him. I snuck up behind Alesha. "Hey can we switch?"
"Sure, I'm almost done anyway."
Alec and I took her seats and managed to be civil to one another, though each time one of us reached for money or tickets, our hands would graze and the storage in my brain would threaten to explode. If I didn't get a handle on it I was going to literally throw myself onto him. How embarrassing.
It was just because I was missing Demetri so much, too.
Alec was cool and distant once we sold the last ticket. We were at our max. It was up to security to keep kids out and keep others in. Luckily, Bob and Lloyd agreed to help, considering that it was a security threat to have Alec running around with all the normal kids.
"Do you want to dance?" I asked shyly once we walked into the gym.
Alec grinned and tugged me toward the dance floor. He may be brooding, he may be indifferent, he may have possibly broken my heart twice, but the man could dance.
He was amazing.
I felt like I had two left feet next to him.
I kept apologizing when I felt like I couldn't keep up. He rolled his eyes and laughed, then pulled me so I was nearly on top of him, his hips swirling seductively. Even if my brain wasn't coordinated to figure out what to do, my body did. Instinctively, I joined in and within minutes we had a crowd around us. The song turned to a popular AD2 song that had a techno tango feel to it.
The music video had millions of hits on Youtube alone, not to mention the people who did parodies or their own flash mobs to it.
It had been filmed at a high school.
And suddenly it dawned on me, as the lights darkened even more and a spotlight shone on us, that I was in my own music video.
Alec grabbed a hat from some random guy and did this crazy Justin Bieber/Michael Jackson move that had people screaming until they were hoarse, and then he jerked me flush against him, lifting my leg above his hip and dipped me backwards. With ease he twisted me around him and we were doing a tango. Which, lucky for me, was the only dance I ever actually learned.
As seductively as possible, I twisted to the ground and skimmed my heeled foot in between his legs, kicking to the right and left before turning and standing. Once my back was to him his arms moved slowly down my shoulders and then down my stomach as he grabbed my legs and wrapped them backwards around him.
The sensation of dancing with him was unlike anything I had ever experienced.
The song ended. We were both winded. People clapped. My laughter broke the spell. It had to be the most fun I'd ever had in my entire life. For once, Alec joined in, his face coming alive with joy. I'm sure it stunned everyone else just as much as it stunned me. He was gorgeous, absolutely perfect. No guy should be that good-looking.
"I think I may have a crush on this Alec," I joked.
"This Alec?" He looked confused, sweat trickled down the side of his face. Dang, it was hot.
"The one who seduces girls on the dance floor and puts Justin Bieber to shame... hey, um, can I have your autograph?" I fluttered my eyelashes.
His mouth gaped open and then he cursed. "You suck."
I was still kind of in his arms, we both threw our heads back and laughed, he twirled me twice and then tugged my body against his again.
The music switched to a slow song. I put my head on his chest. He sighed heavily and we finished the dance in silence.
"Nat, I—"
The lights flickered, interrupting his thought.
A knowing grin spread across his face. "I'll be right back."
And just like that he left me alone on the dance floor.
The principal walked to the microphone and tapped it twice, causing an ear-splitting sound to emanate from the speakers. "Sorry about that, folks. The dancing will recommence after this special performance." He cleared his throat and looked around the crowd. "It is my pleasure to announce, AD2!"
Everyone screamed. Everyone but me. Demetri? Was he back? Why didn't he tell me? What was he doing?
The stage went dark.
And then lit up like a Christmas tree. Demetri was standing in the middle of it. My heart thumped wildly in my chest. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. I wanted to run onto the stage and tackle him.
"Nat," his voice rumbled in the microphone. "This one's for you."
Alec was suddenly behind him with a guitar, a microphone in front of his face too.
The tune was haunting. Not at all like their usual techno beats. Everyone in the room began to sway with the slow beat.
"Torn Like Rain," Alec said into the microphone not once taking his eyes off of me.
Brown eyes, blond hair, I can't help but stare. She's got me hypnotized. I need her, like oxygen, I can't explain the way she makes me feel inside. Like rain, washing my fears away, she makes me feel like I can say all those things I'm too scared to say.
Breathe in, breathe out, sometimes you just gotta shout your love. Shout your love. Inhale, exhale, the beauty of your love will always be enough. Enough.
I watched as Demetri's lips moved the words into the atmosphere of the room. Everyone was silent, just as transfixed as I had been the first moment I read the lyrics. As expected, it was Alec who sang the bridge. His voice was so different than Demetri's, yet they complimented each other so well.
His eyes never left mine as he sang come back to me. I wanted to hate him for staring at me, for trying to convey to me some secret message of his desire to have me but his stupid inability to do so.
I didn't know I had been staring at him, or that anyone had seen.
My eyes flickered back to Demetri. He saw the entire thing. As if it spurred him on even more, he belted out the final part of the chorus. Tears stung at the back of my eyes.
When they were done, it was impossible to hear yourself think. People went crazy. They wouldn't stop clapping.
And then both Alec and Demetri were gone.
"May I have this dance?" Demetri whispered in my ear from behind me.
I turned around and threw my arms around his neck. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"
"I wasn't sure I could." Demetri held me in his arms and kissed me softly across the mouth. "I found out around noon that I could make it up here, but I've gotta fly back out in a few hours."
"You flew here for me?" I gulped.
Demetri laughed and nuzzled my neck. "I would do anything for you. Don't you see that already?"
Guilt flared in my chest again, my eyes were swimming with tears, and then I saw Alec across the room. He gave a slight nod as if giving permission and I hated him for it. I hated him and loved him so much it hurt.
How did this happen in the real world? I always laughed at people who said they liked more than one guy at the same time. Well, what about love? Nobody could tell me what I was feeling wasn't real. If anything, it was too real, too much, and so fast. I felt like I was drowning.
What do you do when you're drowning but the only way to be free is to hold on to the one thing in all the world you're afraid won't be able to keep both of you afloat? That was how I viewed Demetri. He was all over the place, unreadable, uncontrollable.
I sighed heavily into his chest.
"Baby, what's wrong?" Demetri laughed and kissed my forehead.
I shrugged. "I just miss you, that's all."
"I miss you, too." His eyes brightened as his mouth descended and covered mine. His kiss was welcome. It helped me forget Alec. I kissed him back, hard, as hard as I could without mauling him on the dance floor.
He groaned, his arms coming around me, and then he was lifting me and twirling me in circles as he kissed me.
"Can we go?" I asked when he pulled back.
"Are you sure?" he looked nervous, his eyes glancing at all the people around us. I needed to be with him. Alone. I needed confirmation that this was right, what we were doing was right.
"Yes."
"Your carriage awaits." He tucked my arm within his and escorted me out of the gym. The late October air bit at my face and I hid in the safety of Demetri's arms.
I jumped in the car and was ridiculously grateful that my boyfriend had heated seats. I turned mine on full blast and shivered.
"You look hot tonight, Nat." Demetri gave me a seductive grin that I felt all the way down to my toes as we drove out of the parking lot.
"Where are we going?"
"Where do you want to go?"
I shrugged. "I just want to be with you."
Demetri's face relaxed as he drove down the street toward home. "Good, I want that too."
The house was dark when we drove up. I looked for any other cars but Alec hadn't come back from the dance yet.
Nervous, I unbuckled my seatbelt and followed Demetri up the stairs. He threw the keys on the counter and grabbed my hand.
"I heard you slept in my bed," he murmured into my hair as he pushed open his door.
"It's possible." I grinned, shielding my mind from the memory of the nightmare.
"Did you wear my clothes too?"
"Yup."
He groaned. "Ah, you are killing me, girl." His fingers were threading through my hair. "You're so damn beautiful, Nat. And you don't even know it. You don't see what everyone else sees. This beautiful, bright girl — you're like the sun."
"The sun?" I repeated.
"I want to revolve around you."
Whoa, that's bordering on very serious and possessive. Demetri stumbled a bit as he tugged at my hair. His mouth tasted like alcohol, had he been drinking before he sang? His mouth was on mine before I could protest. Nimble fingers found the back of my dress and began to unzip. I wasn't sure if I wanted to pull away or step further into his embrace. His tongue flicked my teeth and then plunged into my mouth, forcing me to either kiss him back or jerk away.
I kissed him back. I decided not to think as I curved my body into his and matched his kiss as best I could. Another moan escaped and I realized it was me. My dress dropped to the floor. I was freezing. This was too fast. What was I doing? He made me feel things, good things, but it was always so confusing with Demetri. I always had to think about it.
With Alec, it was easy.
And that was the problem.
With Demetri I had to rationalize, I had to plan ahead, I had to think. With Alec, thinking wasn't even possible. It was instinct.
"No." I pushed at Demetri's chest. He backed up and cursed.
"Sorry, Nat. I didn't mean to get out of control." He looked almost horrified that my dress was off of me. Gone was the seducer of hundreds of women. "Nat, damn." Demetri tugged the dress back up and quickly zipped me. I'm sorry, I'm just used to more. I'm sorry."
Why was he apologizing so much? "Demetri, you're fine." I kissed him briefly on the cheek and pulled him into a hug. "It got out of hand, it's fine."
His eyes were filled with pain. He cursed and for some reason trembled beneath my touch. "What's wrong?"
"I just promised, that's all."
"You promised?"
He nodded. "Myself. I promised I wouldn't have sex with another girl unless I knew for sure."
"Knew what for sure?"
Okay, these boys were beyond secretive.
He swallowed and looked away. "You like him."
"Him?"
Demetri rolled his eyes and softly pushed me away. "Nat, I'm not stupid. We've alluded to this conversation many times before. It's always the same. I feel like I'm fighting this invisible battle, and you make it that much worse when you pretend to be ignorant."
"Alec," I breathed.
Demetri didn't look at me. "Has he kissed you?"
Goodbye, Alec. "Yes," I mumbled, wanting to be shot on the spot. "But, he told me he wasn't good for me, he pushed me away, we both decided we were better friends. It was a mistake."
The words were flying out of my mouth so fast I wasn't even sure he heard everything.
Demetri stared out the window a long time. "I just don't get it. I don't understand why it always has to be like this."
"Like what?" Maybe he would finally tell me what was bothering both of them so much. Starting with why they were here.
He shook his head. "I need to change, Nat. My flight leaves in an hour." He quickly peeled off his shirt. I gasped.
"What?" He braced my shoulders. "Are you okay?"
"Your, um, your tattoo." Forget similar. The tattoo was identical to Alecs. Hands held a heart within them and thought I didn't know latin, the words looked the same. Why would they have the exact same tattoo? What did that mean? I touched it. He flinched as if in pain. "What does it say?"
Demetri exhaled and looked away. "My heart will be yours forever."
I choked back a sob as tears filled my eyes. "Just like Alec's."
His eyes flashed and then he grabbed my arm and pulled our bodies together until there was no space separating us. "I'm nothing like Alec."
What just happened? I tried to pull away but he held me firm in his grasp. "Please, Nat. I'm not him, I'm not him." Demetri closed his eyes and touched his forehead to mine. "I was never him. She knew that, but it didn't matter. I just want to be me. Love me."
"Did I ask you to be him?" I said weakly.
Demetri tilted my chin and brushed a soft kiss across my lips. "No, Baby. It's not what you said. This is all me, my shitty baggage. Got it?"
"Got it," I mumbled, though it was clear I really didn't get anything. I didn't understand his mood swings, why he was so secretive and why he would go all crazy saying he wasn't Alec.
"You okay?" I rubbed my hand across his smooth face then brought my lips to his. His kiss was hungry. He pushed me against the wall and again his nimble hands moved to my back to unzip my dress. Okay, what the heck? Déjà vu much? His skilled whorish hands had me out of my dress in seconds. It pooled at my feet. He lifted me off the ground and lifted my hips grabbing my butt in the process and making it impossible for me not to straddle him. I was still wearing my heels but only had my lingerie on. The very same lingerie that Alesha convinced me I should wear that night.
Demetri moaned as one of his hands held me in place while he pushed harder against me and began caressing the delicate lace of my bra. His hands were hot against my cool skin and even though it felt so good It was also all wrong.
"Demetri," I panted. "What's wrong? Remember, slow?" His kisses assaulted my senses as he swirled his tongue down the side of my neck. This was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. "Demetri," I repeated, this time trying to sound sterner. Yes, he was hot, and of course it felt good, I mean I'm in high school. I'm no saint. I mean, until this year I hadn't even been kissed, and now I felt like a giant hussy.
He groaned and began tugging on my panties. "No!" I didn't mean to shout, it just came out. His hands froze, he cursed and I nearly fell to the floor from the abruptness of his release.
"You need to go, Nat." He had his back turned to me.
"What the heck was that?" Goosebumps raised across my arms from the sudden chill in the room.
"Nothing."
"Demetri." I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his stomach. "Talk to me."
"I just wanted you first."
I blinked a few times trying to allow the information to digest into my fuzzy brain. "First?"
"Before everything happens." His rigid muscles were rippling with tension beneath my palms. I broke out into a cold sweat.
"What are you talking about? Are you high? On drugs? Before what happens?"
For as long as I live, I will never forget the look in Demetri's eyes. The way his pupils grew, almost dilating to the outside part of his blue irises. His mouth set in a grim line and his shoulders almost slumped as if he was in severe pain and didn't want to scream but would hold it in until it exploded, shattering him from the inside out.
I noticed his hand clench at his side, and then he brought it to my face and closed his eyes momentarily. Why was his hand shaking?
"I'll always love you," he whispered.
I put my hand over his holding it in place against my cheek. "Demetri, I love you." I needed him to know how I felt. And it was all true, I knew it was true. I'd never felt so strong for anyone except Alec, but this clearly wasn't the time or place to say something like that.
"I know." Demetri smiled sadly and exhaled. "I'll see you in another week or so, okay?"
"Okay." I shivered and went to put on my dress, then felt warm hands pull me back into a hug.
"I'll miss you," he croaked. I nodded numbly and watched him pop something into his mouth.
"What are you taking?"
"Pain killers," He rolled his eyes, "Because I'm in pain, Nat."
I waited for him to say something else but he just threw the prescription pills back onto the bed and turned to face me again. He bit his lip and pulled out his phone.
"Gotta go, Nat." He opened his mouth. I needed him to explain to me what was happening, but instead all I got was a, "I'll text you."
Why did it suddenly feel like I was dying? Why did my heart constrict as if he was saying goodbye?
I walked home in ahaze of confusion. Forget Alec confusing me. Demetri took the cake in thatarena. My heart felt sick, the kind of sick you get when you don't know whetheryou want to throw up or go lie down and have a good cry. I stumbled up thestairs to my room and lay down on my bed. After a few minutes my eyes feltheavy. I allowed myself to succumb to the darkness, which was really theproblem in the first place, wasn't it? I allowed myself to succumb — to everything