"I thought you promised me you left all of your work at home."
Songmin set her pen down and looked up from her spot on the floor, surrounded by papers arranged in an organized mess that covered nearly half of the ground of the room. Eunhye stared at her from the door, eyebrow raised, arms crossed, and leaning against the doorframe. "I remember you telling me you wouldn't do any work on this trip."
Bumping her feet against the ground a few times, Songmin sighed. "I know. I figured that since we've had dinner already, it would be okay if I did a bit of math..." Her voice trailed off as a sudden revelation struck her and she quickly bent her head back down to scribble down a few more equations, cross referencing a sheet to her left to make sure she wasn't contradicting anything she'd written earlier. This is certainly one way to think about it, though I'm not sure if it'll get very far. Maybe I should try approaching this in a similar way to that one solution I tried a couple weeks ago. Now, which paper did I write that one on?
The forgotten Eunhye, who was still standing in the doorway, frowned at the girl now flipping through the pages around her. "Songie, you should take this chance to rest while school is out. I know you love math, but the next semester will roll around faster than you expect and I don't want you to be burnt out when it arrives."
Songmin found the page she was looking for and moved it closer so that she could see it better before responding. "I won't burn out, unnie, I promise. What I'm doing-" she gestured at the papers, "-is all for fun. I enjoy this too much to ever get tired of it."
Although still not satisfied, Eunhye didn't want to argue and dropped the topic, instead switching to what she'd originally came here intending to do. "We're going on a night walk. If you're at a good pausing place, you should come with us."
Songmin took a look at her work, gauging where she was at. I haven't made too much progress, and there are a few more approaches I want to try. But, she looked up again at Eunhye, who was watching her expectantly, I should go. I can work on this later. Unfortunately, Eunhye is right and I should spend my vacation with the people around me.
"Give me a second to clean up my papers."
Eunhye's downturned expression flipped to a content smile and she uncrossed her arms, pushing off the doorframe. "I'm glad you're coming. We'll be waiting for you in the living room." She slid the door closed, careful not to slam it.
Somewhat hesitantly, Songmin did as she said she would and gathered her papers, carefully picking them up in a specific order, one that followed her train of thought while working so that she could easily start up working again next time. Securing the papers back into their thick binder, she plucked her jacket from her bed, tucked her phone into the back pocket of her loose jeans, and left her and Chaeyoon's room, slipping the jacket on as she made her way down the stairs to the living room.
A small group sat together around the birth coffee table playing Jenga.
"Why would you do that!" Chenle exclaimed, nearly slamming the table in his sudden burst of energy.
Jeno chuckled as he carefully set the block at the top of the tower, leaving only one middle block at the bottom to hold up the entire rickety structure. "Good luck trying not to knock it over."
"I quit," Chenle announced, sitting back against the couch. "I'm being bullied."
Jeno gasped disbelievingly while Jisung laughed and slapped his best friend's arm repeatedly from one side of the couch. "Hey, you can't just quit right before it's your turn!"
Chenle huffed defiantly, slapping Jisung back in the process. "I'm allowed to quit whenever I want. If I don't play, I can't lose."
"Songmin's here! We should get going," Eunhye said over the noise of the three playing Jenga, taking the chance to flick Chenle in the forehead. "And you, listen to Jeno. You can't give up because you know you're about to fail."
"I swear everyone's teaming up against me," Chenle grumbled. Despite seeming disgruntled and rubbing the new red spot on his forehead, he helped Jeno and Jisung pack up the Jenga blocks.
Songmin exited the house first, stepping out into the night and leaving the door open behind her so that the others could come out as well. It was cold, much colder than she had expected. A cold ocean breeze made its way through the thin forest between the beach and the house. It easily pierced Songmin's jacket—the fabric was thin now after a few years of being worn—and she shivered as it touched her skin, raising goosebumps over her arms.
It was quiet, too, but it was soon disturbed as the rest of the group trickled out of the house one by one. The small crowd included the three Jenga boys, Eunhye, and Chaeyoon and Renjun, whom Songmin hadn't seen in the living room.
"There's this little resting spot just a couple minutes walk away that my parents and I used to go to, I could lead us there," Chaeyoon offered. In the dim light radiating from the house porch, Songmin could see that she was wearing three layers. This only seemed to make the cold more apparent and Songmin drew her own jacket tighter around herself even though it did nothing to make the cold any less.
A murmur of general agreement at Chaeyoon's proposal rippled through the group and they took off, walking into the forest parallel to the beach on a well-trampled path of leaves and dirt.
Songmin let herself lag behind the rest of the group, allowing their chatter to become more and more silent as they advanced further and further ahead of her. She could just barely feel the soft crunch of leaves under her feet, her mind wandering off into the problem she'd been working on earlier to take her attention off of the low temperature. I'm just not sure how to get around that one nuance. I vaguely remember some theorem that I've seen before that might help, but I just can't seem to recall exactly what the theorem said. Maybe if I can think of what it might've said, I can find a proof for it on my own, though that might be a waste of time...
"Songmin-ah."
Eunhye's voice pulled Songmin out of her thoughts. She lifted her gaze up from the ground to find that her best friend was walking beside her, presumably having dropped back from walking with the others.
"So, I was thinking..." Eunhye began, speaking slowly and taking particular care in choosing her words, "I've been meaning to talk to you about your parents for a while."
A moment of silence passed. Songmin didn't want to talk about her parents, so kept her eyes averted and didn't respond. She hoped desperately that Eunhye would drop the topic.
Unfortunately, she didn't. "You still haven't told me about what happened that last time you went to visit them."
No response.
"I'd guessed that something bad had happened, especially when you didn't respond to my texts for a few days, so I gave you some time to process and didn't pry you for information. But I think it's been long enough now. I don't need to know exactly what happened that day you went to visit, but I noticed the healing cut on your cheek when I saw you again for the first time after the visit. I know it wasn't good."
Again, no response. Songmin didn't have anything to say.
"I know you probably don't want to hear this again, but I think it's time you cut them off. It's time to delete their numbers from your phone, to distance yourself."
Songmin finally spoke, her quiet voice laced with a solemn undertone. "Unnie, they're my parents. If any emergencies come up, I have to be there for them. I'm all they have left."
"They are adults, Songie. The fact that you aren't their caretaker yet is still evidence enough that they are still well enough to take care of themselves. You shouldn't have to be there for them. They aren't your responsibility, especially after the way they treated you. If they want care, they can move into a residential facility and be taken care of there. Don't allow them to act like they need you, act like they care for you, just so they can keep treating you like you're worthless over and over again."
"They don't treat me like I'm worthless. They expect me to take care of them, expect me to become successful, because they know I have the ability to. They believe in me."
"They might believe in you, but have they ever truly cared about what you want? They want you to be successful, but have they ever cared about whether or not you would be happy when you become successful? They want you to take care of them, but have they ever cared about how happy you would be as their caretaker? They don't care for you, all they care about is how you can serve them, and you can't keep trying to convince yourself that how they treat you is good for you."
No response.
"Songmin-ah, they are abusive. You're only going to get yourself hurt by telling yourself otherwise."
Songmin really wanted to fight back, she really did. She wanted to tell Eunhye flat out that she was wrong, that her parents weren't abusive, that they just showed their care for her in an unusual way. She wanted to tell her that they wanted the best for her because they loved her.
But she couldn't.
She couldn't find the will in her to say it. Why not? She was starting to feel frustrated at herself for her lack of strength to be able to just say what she had to. Why couldn't she defend her parents? Why couldn't she choke the words out of her mouth, tell Eunhye that she was wrong? Her chest tightened and tears started to build along her eyelids. She's insulting my parents! I shouldn't just be standing by, listening as she tells me that my parents don't love me. Why can't I fight back?
Why can't I be a good daughter and defend the two people who've raised me my whole life?
Eunhye set a hand on Songmin's shoulder, giving it a delicate squeeze. In the darkness, she couldn't see how the younger was reacting, but after four years of friendship she could sense how disquieted the girl was. She couldn't even imagine how Songmin was actually feeling. She'd been Songmin's friend for their high school years, watched as the girl suffered under her parents' roof. She hated seeing how much sway her parents had on her, but she knew there was only so much she could do to help. This was an issue Songmin would never get over unless she could learn to see the truth. The most Eunhye could do was tell her in words as plain as day that her parents were abusive. In the end, it was up to Songmin to decide whether or not she wanted to believe it.
So Eunhye decided to drop the topic for now. "Please," she said gently, dropping the more reprimanding tone she'd been using, "at least give some thought to what I'm saying." She gave Songmin's shoulder a pat, then sped up to join the others ahead of them, giving the younger girl some space.
The remainder of the walk was near torture for Songmin. She tried her hardest to distract herself in whatever way possible from what Eunhye had said but her best friend's words kept coming back to haunt her, refusing to give her any peace. What terrified her the most was that what Eunhye had said was slowly starting to make sense, and she couldn't help but hate herself for it.
So she tried to keep her focus on the changing scenery around her. The forest was much denser now, and the walk had developed an upward slope, indicating that they were going up a hill. The path was narrowing, forcing the group ahead of her to walk in a line in pairs rather than in one big clump. The wind was a little lesser now, unable to make it as easily through the concentration of trees and bushes. The path was very dimly lit by the moonlight shining down through the canopy, scattered like weak rays of sunlight through a prism.
The walk was not infinite and before long, the group emerged from the forest onto a clearing on the top of the hill they'd been climbing. The clearing was wide and flat, an almost perfect circle of grass surrounded by vegetation.
Jisung, who was standing in the center of the clearing, gasped and pointed upwards. "Woah! Guys, look at the sky!"
Moving further into the clearing to stand with Eunhye, Songmin turned her vision upward. Her lips parted slightly in amazement at the sight and any upset feelings she had from her conversation with Eunhye dissipated in an instant.
It's so beautiful.
The night sky that she was so accustomed to seeing as a blanket of darkness was now a sea of stars. Dots of varying colors and degrees of brightness were splattered across the sky as if some celestial artist had taken the world's largest paintbrush and flicked glittering paint over the canvas of the black night sky. For the first time in her life, Songmin could clearly make out the Milky Way. It was even more amazing in person than it was in the pictures she'd seen of it. It streaked across the sky like a river, a glittering river of diamonds. I never could've imagined anything so extraordinary in my life.
I love space.
"That's very pretty," Jeno acknowledged, stretching his neck, "but I think I'm going to head back now. It's getting pretty late and I need to get some sleep tonight. Anyone else coming?"
"I'll come, with you" Chaeyoon piped up, making a lap around the rim of the clearing. "Jisung and Chenle, I'm guessing you're staying?"
"Yep," the two boys said in unison, both of their focuses still glued to the sky.
"Renjun, what about you?" Chaeyoon asked, finishing her lap as she reached the entrance of the path into the clearing.
"He's staying," Chenle immediately said before Renjun could answer, his tone sly.
The older boy gave him a glare, which he ignored. "Luckily for Chenle, he won't get his guts punched out today because he's right for once. I'm staying."
"Alrighty." Chaeyoon turned toward Songmin and Eunhye. "You guys staying?"
"I'll go back with you guys, I want to check in with Mark," Eunhye replied, squeezing the sides of her neck after straining to look upward. "Songie?"
"I'll stay," Songmin answered, scanning the sky for constellations. "I'd like to stay with the sky for a bit."
"Then we'll get going. Just follow the path when you guys are ready to come back," Chaeyoon said, waving for Jeno and Eunhye to follow her. "Don't stay out for too long."
"Yes Mom, we got it," Chenle whined teasingly. Chaeyoon rolled her eyes and muttered a quick, "What a character," under her breath before following Jeno and Eunhye back to the house.
"Man, my neck hurts," Chenle grumbled. "I'm just gonna-" He didn't bother finishing his sentence and lay down on the ground, facing upward toward the sky. "Guys, this is so much better!"
Jisung joined him without hesitation, splaying out on the ground next to him. "You're right, this is great. Songmin, you should join us."
Songmin hesitated, a little deterred by the fact that there might be bugs in the grass, but after a few seconds of contemplation she just shrugged and joined them, lying on Chenle's other side. Might as well; I'll shower when I get back.
She was surprised by how pleasant it was to lie there on the ground. The grass was soft and thick, almost forming a sort of blanket under her. And there was no denying that her neck definitely needed the relief from looking up.
Renjun appeared over the three of them, his disapproving face visible even in the darkness. "We have no idea how dirty the ground is, you guys should get up."
Chenle stuck his tongue out at him. "Whatever. You'll regret not lying down tomorrow when you're the only one with a sore neck."
Renjun frowned but must've seen the logic behind Chenle's words, for he reluctantly lowered himself onto the grass and lay down next to Songmin.
"I've learned so many constellations in the past but for some reason I forget all of them the moment I actually see stars," Jisung said glumly. His voice was oddly muffled by the fact that he was speaking in the direction of the sky. "The only one I can really point out is the north star, and even that is just kind of a guess."
Conjuring up an image of summer constellations she'd memorized in high school, Songmin squinted at the sky trying to recognize anything. "Well, if you look closely enough you should be able to find... Aha!" she exclaimed, pointing upward at a collection of five stars. "Right there, that one is called Cassiopeia. And if you follow one of the arrows back," she traced the path with her finger, stopping at a bright star that stood out from the rest, "you end up at Polaris, the north star."
"And the north star makes the end of the handle of the Little Dipper," Jisung added, drawing the constellation in the air, "then follow the star to find the Big Dipper, right?"
"Yeah, that's right. Then if you look south from Polaris," Songmin traced from Polaris a little further up, "you find Draco. Then there's Hercules beside it, the Summer Triangle made up of those three bright stars right there near the center of the sky. Sagittarius is right back there, the red star Antares there a little to Sagittarius' left, then follow in that direction to get to Libra. Right in between Libra and the Big Dipper is the orange star Arcturus, the fourth brightest star in the sky." She pointed at each constellation and star as she named them.
"How do you know so many constellations?" Renjun queried, a hint of awe evident in his voice. "I only really know the two Dippers and the north star, that's about it."
"I've always been interested in outer space," Songmin said absentmindedly, still scanning the sky for other constellations she hadn't already named. "I started out with the constellations before delving deeper into the physics aspects of space."
"Why are some of the stars different colors?" Chenle asked, leaving the question for anyone to answer.
Songmin, of course, was the one to reply. "The color difference is largely due to temperature. Hotter stars radiate energy with higher frequencies, causing them to appear blue, while cooler stars radiate energy with lower frequencies, causing them to appear red."
"So, in simple terms for an idiot like me, hot equals blue and cool equals red," Chenle clarified.
Songmin nodded but, remembering that Chenle couldn't see her while lying beside her in the dark, included a verbal confirmation. "You're not an idiot but yes, that about sums it up."
"You're overestimating his brain power," Jisung joked as he sat up, letting out a quiet, "Oww" as Chenle gave him a punch in the arm. "What? If it makes you feel any better, I'm just as much of an idiot as you are."
"Does not make me feel any better," Chenle scoffed, though he couldn't help but smile. "Why're you sitting up?"
Jisung pushed off the ground and onto his feet, stretching his arms upward. "I'm ready to get going, it's getting cold out here. Chenle, come on."
Surprisingly without protest, Chenle stood up as well, briefly stretching down toward his toes. "Songmin, you coming?"
"I think I'll stay for a bit longer," she responded, still rather fascinated with the glittering of the stars above her.
Chenle nodded. "Renjun, why don't you stay with her? It's a bit dangerous to be out alone at night."
Renjun knew what he was doing; the mischievous undercurrent of his voice was unmistakable. Yet he had a valid point. Renjun didn't want to leave Songmin out here by herself. It was cold, it was dark, and if she got hurt someone had to be there to help her. "Sounds fine."
Songmin's brain was quick in connecting the dots. So it's going to be just me and Renjun out here.
Alone.
Is the world teaming up against me or what?
She jolted up, wringing her hands. "No no no no, don't feel obligated to stay out here because of me. If you want to go back, I'm perfectly fine with going back now if-"
"Nope, you've already made up your mind," Chenle called out as he and Jisung walked across the clearing back to the path they'd come here on. "Have fun out here!"
Songmin wanted to call out and ask them to stay but they were gone within a second, obscured by the forest.
She lay back down, feeling awkward with the knowledge that she and Renjun were in the clearing alone.
A few minutes of silence passed as the two of them lay there a few feet apart. Songmin tried to enjoy the night sky and the sounds of the forest around them but couldn't shake the fact that she was there alone with the one member of the friend group who made her feel feelings she wasn't ready to face. How do I keep getting into this type of situation?!
"I'm sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable," Renjun said suddenly, laying unmoving with his hands on his stomach. He'd had this thought in his mind for a while and felt that now was the time to address it. "I notice your reactions when we end up alone and it feels as if I always do something that makes you feel discomfort. If you want me to leave right now, I can go, it's not an issue."
Oh great, look at you go. You've gone and made him feel bad. "It's not you, I promise," Songmin assured hurriedly, resisting the urge to curl up into a ball and just roll away from the situation. "I just get a little weird when I'm alone with people who aren't Eunhye."
"If it helps, we could talk about something," Renjun said, searching in his brain for alternatives if she didn't feel like talking. "I'd love to learn what you know about space."
"You wouldn't want to hear me ramble," Songmin imparted. "I have a tendency to blabber once I get going."
Renjun chuckled. "Please, I live with Jisung. He might seem quiet and nice but once he gets started, he doesn't stop talking. I'm sure listening to you won't be half as bad. You can talk about anything you want, anything to make you feel more comfortable."
Songmin was slightly taken aback. He...he still wants to listen? I was expecting him to drop it. Ma used to tell me people don't like it when I ramble, and my classmates always seemed super annoyed. I gave him a whole warning and he still wants to listen?
Huh.
"T-then I guess I'll start with our solar system. If you want me to stop talking, just tell me, okay?"
"Got it."
"You promise?"
"I don't see why I would stop you but yes, I promise."
Songmin took a deep breath, probing her vat of knowledge for a starting place. "Let's start with some basic facts. Our solar system consists of one star, eight planets, the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter, Pluto, and the Kuiper Belt. Our planets consist of rocky planets, gas giants, and ice giants. The four closest planets to the Sun, Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars are rocky planets." She paused for a second, waiting for Renjun to tell her to stop. It was usually about three or four sentences in when the person she was talking to would either tell her to shut up or get distracted by something else. But he didn't say anything, just lay there quietly without any expectations, allowing her to either stop of her own will or continue. She started up again slowly, cautiously.
"The next to planets out, Jupiter and Saturn, are gas giants. If you look right there, we can actually see Jupiter in the sky right now. Then the next to planets beyond Saturn, Uranus and Neptune, are ice giants. But anyways, back to Venus. What's interesting is that while Venus is further from the Sun than Mercury, it's hotter than Mercury. This is because of the composition of Venus' atmosphere..."
Renjun had been right. As Songmin talked more, she started to relax a little, settling more comfortably into her spot in the grass. The boy made no objections, so she just kept going as more and more information surfaced and flowed from her brain to her mouth. She had so much pent up knowledge and now that there was finally someone willing to listen, words just kept coming until eventually, she became totally ignorant of the fact that she was alone with THE Huang Renjun and all of her focus was on spewing more facts.
Renjun found himself enjoying listening to Songmin talk. Even as the information she recited became less connected and just a collection of facts she found most fascinating about outer space, he didn't try to stop her or ask her to slow her pace. At some point, he completely lost what she was talking about as her terminology switched from pedestrian language to scientific lingo he had zero chance of understanding with his far-from-extensive scientific knowledge, but he didn't care. He liked listening to her voice. The soft, rounded quality of her words were satisfying to listen to. He also found it interesting how she switched between Chinese and Korean (he guessed it was probably a result of her mixed education in the two languages), and he found it cute how she developed a slight stutter as she got more enthusiastic.
It wasn't at all tiring listening to her speak, and he probably would've let her ramble all the way until sunrise if she hadn't stopped after what must've been forty-five minutes to an hour. She stopped abruptly, so unexpectedly that Renjun was about to ask if something was wrong when she jumped up onto her feet, brushing grass off of her clothing.
"Jeez, how long have I been talking? I am so sorry, I totally talked your ears off and didn't give you a single second to stop me," she said apologetically, embarrassment manifesting physically as her ears began to burn and she picked at her fingernails.
Renjun stood as well, rolling his shoulders back a few times and waving his hands in denial of her words. "No, no, I promise I didn't have any intention of stopping you at all. It was all so interesting, and you're pretty good at explaining."
"Thank you, but no need to lie." Songmin led the way to the path as the two of them set off again for the house. The wind had picked up and she wrapped her arms around her torso as the cold seeped in through her clothing, now making her shiver slightly as the chill settled into her muscles. "I really appreciate you being willing to listen to me talk. I haven't been able to talk so extensively to someone about space in a while. As much as Eunhye's a great friend, I know she really doesn't love space as much as I do and I don't want to bore her every time we have a conversation."
Renjun shrugged and looked over at the girl walking beside him. She wasn't that much shorter than him but with the way her arms were positioned, she seemed smaller than usual, and he could see her clothing was definitely not thick enough to hold out the chill. Looking a little closer, he could see her arms trembling. She's definitely cold. Maybe I should... Is that too obvious of a move? Doesn't matter, I have thicker clothing on than she does.
Unzipping the yellow jacket he wore, Renjun slipped it off and set it on her shoulders, making sure it fit squarely on her shoulders so that it wouldn't fall off.
Songmin nearly stopped in her tracks as she felt the fabric being draped over her. She forced herself to keep walking, keeping in step with Renjun. She couldn't deny that the jacket was warm and she found herself welcoming it, grasping on the sides and pulling it a little tighter around her to block out the wind. She tried her best to the faint scent of the familiar wood-salt-sage perfume and mumbled a quiet, "Thank you."
Renjun nodded, trying to recall one of the facts Songmin had recited so that their walk home wasn't uncomfortable for her. "Of course. Could you explain a bit more about how we know what the atmospheres of exoplanets are made of? You briefly mentioned it earlier, but I don't really understand it."
Songmin straightened up at the mention of exoplanets, a grin spreading over her features. Renjun smiled. He'd asked the right question.
"So, scientists do that using light we capture in images. Scientists use cameras to capture the light shone through a planet's atmosphere by whatever star that planet is orbiting..."
-- ☆ -- ☆ -- ☆ --
Songmin lay in bed, hair still slightly damp from her earlier shower. The room was completely dark, the door closed, the lights off, and a curtain pulled over the one window in the room. The sound of the sleeping Chaeyoon's breath was barely audible, a steady rhythm.
Songmin flipped over to face the wall beside her bed, squeezing her eyes shut. She just couldn't sleep. Every time she tried, her brain reconjured the conversation she'd had with Eunhye on the walk.
"They aren't your responsibility, especially after the way they treated you... Don't allow them to act like they need you, act like they care for you, just so they can keep treating you like you're worthless over and over again..."
Songmin rolled onto her stomach, stuffing her face in the pillow.
"They don't care for you, all they care about is how you can serve them, and you can't keep trying to convince yourself that how they treat you is good for you... Songmin-ah, they are abusive. You're only going to get yourself hurt by telling yourself otherwise."
She rolled onto her back, taking a deep breath of the cool air in the room.
She's wrong, she has to be. They're my parents! It is my duty to take care of them, the way they took care of me.
But did they really take care of me? Was that really how parents are supposed to treat their children?
What if you're just scared that Eunhye's right?
They love me, they just express it differently. Right?
Right?
No.
Eunhye's right. My parents aren't good for me. Maybe they loved me, but their love hurt me and will keep hurting me if I don't do something.
Before she could change her mind, Songmin reached over the edge of the bed, picked up her phone that was charging on the floor, and opened the contacts app. Selecting Ma's number and Ba's number, she pressed the trash can symbol at the bottom of the screen, closed her phone, and tossed the phone back over the bed onto the floor, turning to face the wall again so she wouldn't be tempted to pick her phone up and undo what she'd just done. She felt no relief, only an overwhelming sense of guilt
It's over.
Helllllooooo hope everyone's doing alright :)