POV: Ishaan Kishan.
Ishaan woke up uneasily and stared in confusion at his surroundings. It took him a while to figure out that he was sleeping on Shreyas’s couch. He stretched as he got up and quietly made his way to the kitchen.
With a coffee in hand and a cigarette dangling from his lips, Ishaan checked his phone. No missed calls, no texts from Shubman. Disheartened, he let out a puff of smoke. For the first time in his life, the black coffee was starting to taste bitter in his mouth. Maybe it wasn't the coffee, maybe it's the fact that he spent another night away from Shubman.
‘ the fuck are you doing here?!’ Shreyas voice brought Ishaan back to reality.
‘ I let myself in?’ Ishaan sheepishly said.
Shreyas frowned and stared at him.
‘ I didn't hear anything, if that's what you were worried about …’ Ishaan mumbled and tightly pressed his lips together.
Shreyas opened his mouth to say something but stopped when his boyfriend stepped out of the room.
‘ Everything okay babe?’ he asked Shreyas.
‘ yeah, just an unwanted guest..’ he replied, narrowing his eyes at Ishaan.
‘ Hi Tilak’ Ishaan waved.
Tilak had a brief conversation with Ishaan and turned around to Shreyas to say goodbye. Ishaan watched as Tilak whispered something into his ears and made him laugh. Seeing them together reminded Ishaan of Shubman. How he always lingered back in the doorway before heading to the airport so they could have one more hug, one more touch, one more glance at each other. If Ishaan is with him after his matches, he would kiss Ishaan the exact amount of runs he made. Ishaan smiled to himself as he thought of the times he had to sit idly while Shubman sat on his lap and kissed him a hundred times.
‘ oye’ shreyas was snapping his fingers in front of Ishaan's face trying to get his attention.
‘ Did you forget your way home?
Ishaan shook his head.
‘I need to talk to you about something.’ Ishaan was nervous.
A look of worry crossed Shreyas face. Ishaan didn't go home and let himself in to talk about something? It was unlike Ishaan to behave like this.
‘ what's going on?’
‘ I…I uh, I should have told you about this a long time ago. I don't know why, but I kept hiding it.’ Ishaan started to talk.
Shreyas stared at Ishaan who was avoiding eye contact, and rubbing his beard. His eyes were puffy, and red, his hair a mess.
‘ I'm uh…. I'm seeing someone,’ he finally said.
Shreyas raised his eyebrows.
‘ who?’
‘ Shubman’ Ishaan mumbled under his breath.
It took Shreyas a while to register what Ishaan said. After that, he felt a roller coaster of emotions all together. Confusion, happiness, more confusion and in the end, anger. Anger because his best friend hid something so big from him.
‘ Shrey?’ Ishaan hesitantly said.
Shreyas got up from the couch and started pacing around.
‘ so, you are telling me that you are going out with Shubman Gill?’
‘ THE SHUBMAN GILL?’
‘ Since when did you turn gay? Shubman Gill is gay?????’
Shreyas was asking one question after the other. Ishaan stared at him nervously.
‘ My best friend hid something so big from me? Am I even your best friend? ‘
Ishaan opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted.
‘ you know everything about me, Ishaan! When I started experimenting with my sexuality, who was the first one to know?!’ he almost screamed.
Ishaan stared at him.
‘ Am I..am I supposed to answer that?’
Shreyas threw a pillow at Ishaan's head.
‘ me, I was the first to know. Shrey, I'm sorry. I thought… I thought that you would judge me or something’ Ishaan got and approached shreyas.
‘ why the fuck would I judge you. ..I am..’ Shreyas let out a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose.
‘ Why would I judge you? I am bisexual. I smoke weed.. I have a boyfriend, for god's sake…ISHAAN!’
‘ i'm sorry’ Ishaan mumbled.
Shreyas looked at Ishaan, who stood with his head lowered to the ground.
‘ I'm letting this go for now, but I will take payback for this’ he finally ended the conversation with a threat.
Ishaan sighed a breath of relief and collapsed on the sofa.
‘So what's the problem? Why are you here instead of being with him? And who else knows?’ Shreyas sat next to Ishaan.
Ishaan told him everything. Recollecting the fight, made Ishaan feel as though he was being pierced by a million hot needles. His tongue burned as he said the things he said at Shubman.
Shreyas let out a deep breath.
‘ Do you feel as though he doesn't take interest in your life?’
Ishaan stared out of the window and thought for a while.
‘ it's not that he doesn't want to, it's just that… he's so busy all the time, and I understand that he's busy. I knew what I was getting into. But…’ Ishaan trailed off.
‘ but what?’ Shreyas asked, lighting a cigarette.
‘ But, it still hurts. It hurts that he doesn't take a moment for me’
‘ you know….’ Ishaan let out a sad laugh before continuing.
‘ you know, he is so stubborn, and childish. Sometimes it's so endearing, but other times it drives me insane, how oblivious he is to me, and my life.’
Shreyas nodded and let him continue.
‘ I'm sure my parents wouldn't accept my sexuality, neither will the world be any kinder. But, I love him, and I am willing to fight the entire world. I am willing to let my life get ruined, just so I could pick up the pieces and build a life with him. But…. He won't even consider it, shreyas. He's so afraid, he won't even think of it’ Ishaan's heart broke as he said those words.
Shreyas let him calm down before he started talking.
‘ Are you considering breaking up?’
Ishaan contemplated for a while. Just for a second, he then looked at Shreyas and smiled sadly. Ishaan’s lips stayed silent, but his eyes gave the answer.
‘ Haye, my Sher!’ Shreyas laughed and embraced Ishaan.
Ishaan rested his head on Shreyas's shoulder and stayed in his arms for a while. Ishaan felt restless. A worry blossomed in the depths of his stomach. Slowly growing with each second, till he was starting to feel breathless. Was everything going to be alright? Wil his love be enough to shield him and Shubman?
‘ I should probably apologize to Shubman for kissing his boyfriend huh?’ Shreyas asked.
Ishaan laughed and nodded.
‘ yeah, he wasn't happy about that'
Shreyas let out a throaty laugh.
‘ you okay?’ Shreyas asked Ishaan who was still refusing to let go.
Ishaan nodded.
‘ one more minute’
Shreyas hugged him tighter.
POV: Shubman Gill.
Ibrahim stood outside the apartment and rang the bell for the third time. Shubman usually greets Ibrahim at the door, but today he wasn't even answering his phone. Ibrahim looked around the empty hallway before he rang the doorbell again. No answer. Worried, he decided to let himself in.
There was something odd about the apartment. The air felt stuffy, as though the apartment has been left empty for decades. Without the sunshine peeking through the white curtains, the living room was dark and felt eery. Ibrahim's heart felt heavy as he walked to Shubman's bedroom.
He knocked on the door. Silence.
‘ Sir?’ Ibrahims husky voice echoed in the house.
No answer.
Ibrahim whispered, Bismillah and opened the door. Shubman was in bed, with his back to the door, curled up into a ball. Ibrahim frowned. It wasn't like Shubman to sleep in late, unless it's the weekend.
‘ Sir, are you alright?’ Ibrahim called out.
Shubman didn't move an inch. Ibrahim let out a frustrated sigh, and walked over to him.
‘Shubman sir, we are already so late’
Ibrahim touched Shubman's shoulder and was startled. Shubman was burning up. Ibrahim felt his forehead. Shubman had a high fever, he must have passed out from it.
He sprung into action, he quickly dialed Shubman's doctor's number and informed him of the situation, he then went into the bathroom and filled up the bathtub with cold water. Ibrahim carefully took Shubman into his arms and carried him into the bathroom.
‘ I'm sorry sir, please forgive me’ he whispered and put Shubman into the water.
Ibrahim poured water onto Shubman's head and waited for him to regain consciousness. It took a few minutes for Shubman to wake up.
He opened his eyes slowly and looked around trying to decipher what was happening. His mind felt foggy, his entire body ached and trembled. He looked at Ibrahim who was looking down and silently praying for him.
‘ I don't think your god takes prayers for people like me’ he joked.
Ibrahim looked up and smiled at him, but immediately stopped, he looked at Shubman closely. He was too worried to notice it at first, but now he saw it clearly. His cheeks were caked in dried blood.
‘ you have blood on your face…’
Confused, Shubman touched his face, and felt the cuts.
The train of memories from last night came out from the fog of his mind, slowly at first and then at full speed. It crashed into him, leaving him confused and petrified. It wasn't a dream like last time. This time it was real. Shubman started to panic. In the attempts to climb out of the bathtub, he was slipping and thrashing around in the water. It was Ibrahim who helped him out and carried him to the room.
He tried to tell Ibrahim what was happening, but he felt a wave of weakness take over him. He collapsed in Ibrahim's arms again. When he woke up, Ibrahim had tucked him into bed, and was talking to the doctor.
‘ Hi Shubman. How are you feeling now? Are you feeling better?’
Shubman nodded slightly.
‘ We have given an injection to reduce the fever, and collected blood samples for your tests. You should take a few days off for rest, I have already informed the management, so you don't need to worry about it’
Shubman nodded again.
‘i understand that you would have no appetite, but you will have to eat and drink plenty of water, unless you want to be hospitalized’
‘ Honestly, I would rather admit you right now, but your bodyguard here refused to do it, without your permission’ the doctor continued.
Shubman smiled to himself, Ibrahim knew better than everyone.
After the doctor had left, and Ibrahim went to the kitchen to make him breakfast, Shubman took out his phone and looked through the notifications. None from Ishaan.
A slight tug in his heart.
He decided to let it be for the time being. He sent a text to his sister instead.
‘ When will you be back?’
Shubman wanted to talk to someone about everything that was happening to him. He touched the marks on his cheek. What was going on? What's happening to him ?
A notification.
‘ Sorry kaka, the flight got delayed, I won't be able to come back till tonight.’
Shubman let out a groan. He thought for a while, and decided to text Mahi.
‘ Bhai, are you free?’
He anxiously waited for the answer.
‘ Free for the next hour.’
‘ can you come over?’
‘ okay.’
Shubman climbed out of bed, and slowly made his way to the living room. He had a blanket wrapped around himself.
‘ Sir, why are you out of bed?’
‘ Mahi Bhai is coming’ he mumbled and settled into the sofa.
‘ Are you alright?’ Ibrahim asked, worried.
Shubman shrugged, and that was his honest answer.
‘ you don't need to cook for me,’ Shubman said softly.
Ibrahim pretended not to hear and continued his work.
‘ thank you’ Shubman whispered, more to himself than to Ibrahim.
Shubman woke up to the sound of Mahi and Ibrahim talking. Shubman sat up slightly, rubbing his eyes. His body still felt warm. He glanced at the half eaten breakfast before he looked up at Mahi who stood near the TV shelf.
‘ Why didn't you wake me up?’ Shubman asked, his voice hoarse.
‘ I didn't want to wake you. Ibrahim told me what happened’ Mahi replied without turning to him.
Shubman watched as Mahi curiously looked at the photos. Photos of his childhood, school days, award functions. Photos with friends, family, teammates.
‘ You don't have a picture with Ishaan?
Shubman hesitated before he nodded.
‘ Didn't get time to frame one..’ he trailed off.
Mahi nodded, and looked at the little figurines of superheroes and anime characters. He walked along the length of the shelf, looking at the collection of video games and stopped when his eyes caught a little Russian doll.
‘ What's this?’ he asked, amused.
The Russian doll was painted to look like Shubman in the cricket jersey.
‘ it was a fan gift. I don't usually keep them, but …. Uh, Ishaan thought it was cute. So I kept it,’ Shubman explained.
Mahi looked at the doll again and laughed before he set it down on the shelf, and gave all his attention to Shubman.
‘ Let's talk?’
Shubman took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. How is he going to explain all of this? He looked at Mahi who patiently waited for Shubman to start talking. Much to Shubman's surprise, everything he wanted to say came out naturally, when he opened his mouth. As though, the words were waiting to spill out. He told Mahi about Ishaan, and how they fought, about the dream, which now has morphed into reality.
Mahi sat for a while after Shubman was done talking. He picked at the wool on his sweater and listened to the rain fall trying to contemplate what Shubman told him.
‘ Bhai?’ Shubman called out.
Mahi turned his attention to Shubman. He looked weak, as though he lost a lot of weight in a small amount of time. The nails marks, painfully visible on his tan skin.
‘ Shubman, you were very stressed last night, you came home late, drunk. You had a fight with Ishaan. Sometimes, in our dreams, these things… these things happen’
He watched as Shubman tried to make sense of what he was hearing.
‘ You know how sometimes we wake up crying, because of a dream. Or how sometimes we scratch ourselves in our sleep. Maybe it's the same thing. Your mind was too exhausted to make sense of things, and decided to connect one pin to the other, with strings of a dream, which you barely remember.’
‘Dreams aren't reliable, our minds start to forget it right after we wake up’ Mahi tried to explain.
Shubman nodded. Maybe he was right. It can't be real. How can it be real? Whatever thing he saw, it doesn't exist. Things like that definitely do not exist. He tried to convince himself.
‘ As for your fight with Ishaan, give it time. Fights happen when you love someone’
Mahi's advice brought him comfort. Shubman felt himself relax a little bit.
‘ But you need to eat better, if you are going to get better. Ibrahim isn't such a bad cook,’ Mahi jokes, trying to lighten the mood.
Shubman laughed a little and apologized to Ibrahim who stood near the kitchen counter. He had a grim look on his face, which confused Shubman, but he decided to let it go.
POV: Ishaan Kishan.
The sun had set and night had fallen, by the time Ishaan went to Shubman's apartment. Shreyas decided to tag along to apologize for his behavior, and hopefully start over.
‘ you think he will be okay with me coming uninvited?’ Shreyas asked as they waited for the elevator.
Ishaan shrugged. He was hoping that Shubman must have calmed down by now. At least enough to sit down and talk it out.
‘ Did you text Aditi by the way?’
Ishaan let out a groan and rested his head against the walls of the elevator. He forgot to check up on her, again. How she still talks to him, and manages to forgive him, is beyond him. He took out his phone and checked their conversation. Multiple texts, asking where he was, if he was okay, complaining about how he doesn't text back.
‘ What do I say?’ he thought out loud.
‘ Say sorry, and promise to take her out?’ Shreyas responded.
Ishaan thought for a while and texted her back.
She texted back immediately.
‘ Naraz hoon. I'm angry’
‘ Sorry.’
‘ Take me out tomorrow night, Ishaan Kishan’
‘ Or what?’
‘ Or I will complain to our parents, saying that you don't take care of me 😋’
‘ well played’
Shreyas was looking over Ishaan's shoulder.
‘ Aren't you both cute.’ he teased Ishaan.
Ishaan narrowed his eyes and pushed him away. Both of them stood in front of the apartment door. Ishaan felt butterflies in his stomach. He was anxious thinking of how Shubman would react.
Ishaan could hear the TV before he made it to the living room. It stopped raining in the evening, but the strong winds coming through the windows made the apartment extremely cold. Ishaan saw Shubman resting on the sofa as he walked in. He had the blankets up to his chin and was hugging a pillow.
‘ Babe, why is the window open?’ Ishaan asked coming over to face Shubman.
Shubman didn't say anything. Ishaan went down on his knees and touched Shubman's face. He was warm. Shubman closed his eyes and snuggled his face against Ishaan's palm.
‘ What happened, Shubhi?’
‘ I have a fever’ he was barely audible.
Ishaan moved in closer and kissed the top of his nose.
‘ Why didn't you text me?’
‘ same reason you didn't’
Ishaan laughed at his answer. He ran his fingers through Shubman's hair for a while.
‘ Shubh, Shreyas is here to meet you’ Ishaan told him.
A look of anger crossed his eyes. He glared at Ishaan.
‘ why?’ Shubman asked, sitting up.
‘ I wanted to say sorry.’ Shreyas interrupted before Ishaan could answer.
‘ I was talking to Ishaan. Not you’ Shubman didn't look away from Ishaan.
Ishaan clenched his jaw. Shubman's behavior bothered him.
‘ He wanted to say sorry. Can you give him a chance to talk?’ Ishaan said, trying to hide his anger.
Shreyas awkwardly stared at both of them exchanging angry glances. Maybe this was a bad idea.
Shubman threw the blanket off and stood in front of Shreyas, his arms folded on his chest.
‘ Tell me. Tell me how sorry you are. Tell me how a man who's not even half of what I am, dared to touch what belongs to me’
Both Ishaan and Shreyas stared at him, in utter disbelief.
‘ Shubman!’ Ishaan grabbed Shubman's arm and tried to stop him.
Shreyas scoffed.
‘If he belongs to you, then why don't you claim him in front of the world? Why are you being such a coward about it?’ Shreyas spat out.
Shubman went towards Shreyas, his hands folded into a fist.
‘ stay in your limits, you fucking loser’ Shubman growled at him.
‘ Shubman!’ Ishaan's loud voice made Shubman flinch, but he didn't back off.
Shubman stood inches from Shreyas’s face ready to punch him.
‘ Throwing around punches doesn't make you a man. A man is someone who can boldly face the world just for the man he loves’
‘ Shrey, please. Stop’ Ishaan pleaded.
Shubman was fuming in rage. He felt his anger boiling in his veins. His face burned from the anger stirring in his chest.
‘ Watch what you say, Shreyas. I can ruin your entire fucking career at the snap of a finger' Shubman said through gritted teeth.
Shubman felt Ishaan's finger tighten around his wrist trying to pull him away.
‘ Like how you are ruining your own career? How many runs did ‘ the prince of cricket’ make in the last tournament? Shreyas smirked.
‘ Shreyas, that's enough! Please just leave!’ Ishaan yelled at him.
‘ dosti ka lihaaz rakh kar jaa raha hoon. I'm leaving out of respect for our friendship, and ishu, you deserve better.’ Shreyas said sadly and left.
Shubman stood frozen, his ears still ringing from what Shreyas said. His words pierced Shubman like a dagger. He felt hot tears of humiliation roll down his face.
‘ Shubhi…’ Ishaan touched his cheeks.
Shubman slapped away his hands.
‘ Don't touch me with the hands that touched him’
Ishaan felt devastated.
‘What do you want me to do??’ Ishaan cried out in desperation.
‘ I want you to take my side’ Shubman grabbed Ishaan and pulled him close.
‘ I can't choose sides, ' Ishaan whispered.
Shubman looked at Ishaan's eyes, welling up in tears. His beautiful eyes, speaking volumes of desperation, longing, and begging for forgiveness.
‘ Then get the hell out of my house!’ Shubman pushed Ishaan away and stormed off to his room.
‘ itna kam lafzon me, kitna kuch keh jaati ho’
‘ in just a few words, you have said so much’