“Tis better to have loved and lost. Than never to have loved at all.”
-Alfred Tennyson, The Memoriam
“Evan was a wonderful person and anybody that knew him, I’m sure would agree. The vibrant optimism that he always held was unforgettable and unrepeatable. His smile and his positive thinking will always be in our hearts, it will always be pushing us forward. He was an amazing son, brother, friend, and as of recent, husband. Evan was important to all of you and we know that he will forever be in your hearts. Never let go of the memories that this young boy had graced you with and hold them dear.”
Breathe, Maggie. Just… breathe.
In… out… in… out…
Good, that was good. Now again, and don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry.
In… out… in… out… choke
No, damn it! I said don’t cry!
This was my thought process the whole time while I listened numbly to the person speaking in front of the grave. I really didn’t want to come to this funeral, I didn’t think that I could bare it, but I was basically dragged out of bed by the people around me for the first time in a week. It’d already been a week since Evan had died, but it felt like years since I’ve heard his laugh or looked into those dazzling green eyes. The whole week, I’d been in bed, crying and crying and throwing up a lot, then crying some more. Of course, I wasn’t alone because all of my friends refused to leave me unless they were with Jason and his mom, or at school. Brendon hasn’t left my side, though. Come to think of it, neither has Sam.
I can’t explain the pain that I feel all the time, just thinking about him. Thinking about the time we shared, short but magic, it was perfect. I think about his soft lips, his pouty face, his playful smile, his everything. I think about laying in the fields with him, the grass prickling my skin, the sun shining on my face. I think about dancing in the rain with him, dancing and laughing as the rain drenched both of us. I think about how it’s my fault that he didn’t get to live the long life that he deserved.
And as I stood there at the funeral, Brendon on one side of me and my dad on the other, I could feel the all too familiar pain ripping through my chest, burning up my throat and then sizzling in my eyes, pushing tears down my face. I couldn’t stand this pain, it was too much. This was all too much. I missed him. I missed him so much. I missed his arms wrapped around me and the way that he looked at me, like I was the most important thing in the world. Nobody will ever look at me like that again. Nobody will ever change me like Evan had.
My knees were growing week and I could feel the sobs started to push their way up my throat. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be here. All of my friends were there, surrounding me, and Kyle- along with a few other of Evan’s friends that had flown down here for this day- were standing there, too. They were all dressed in suits and I could tell that they wanted to cry, but none of them did, trying to be manly or whatever. It was clear that everybody loved Evan. And there was Laura, who was a sobbing mess in Jason’s arms. He looked like crap, too. Emily and Cody were sitting together, but Cody had no idea what was going on, he just knew that Emily was sad, so he was doing his best to make her happy. A few girls from the dance team showed up, even though I haven’t been to school yet- that’s almost two weeks already that I’ve missed, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.
I focused all of my thoughts on not bursting out in ugly sobs. I missed him so much and it’s only been a week. I felt so empty, like only half of a person, walking around like a ghost. I felt alone and useless, I felt stupid and pathetic. Alone and empty. My dad had me signed up to see a therapist, but I don’t want to go. Of course, I’m going to go so that I don’t worry my dad because I hate seeing him worry so much. He was so scared for me.
I was so focused on maintaining my composure that I couldn’t listen to what the preacher was saying as he spoke about Evan and his wonderful, glorious, life and his perfect personality. He was so perfect and maybe not to everyone- but he was my perfect. He is my perfect. And he’ll forever be my perfect.
When the preacher was done, Kyle gave a small speech about his best friend and how he was a really good baseball player. That made me snap, so I slapped my hand to my mouth and leaned into Brendon’s side, who wrapped an arm around me and held me close. I never got the chance to see him play. I bet he really liked it too. I would have loved to see his face as he played, it must have been lit up with joy. But I’ll never see that. I’ll never see him.
Jason stood up and spoke about his brother, who he only saw three months a year, but they were still incredibly close. I know he was trying to be strong for Laura, but he was breaking and everybody could see it. Especially Hanna, which is why she’s been by his side for most of this week, helping him.
The next person to speak was Aaron. He kind of spoke for me, explaining how happy we were, making me cry harder into Brendon’s suit. I would have been sorry if he ever wore that thing except for on the very rare occasions. I knew that there was no way that I would be able to spit out even a few words before breaking down into tears, so I didn’t speak when the preacher asked for anybody else.
I silently wept in Brendon’s arms as I clutched my chest, hoping to sooth the ripping pain there, but it wouldn’t go away. I think that the pain in my chest was the gaping hole in my heart where Evan was supposed to be. And it hurt so much to get half of my heart ripped out of my chest so quickly and unexpectedly. It hurt so bad.
After a little bit longer, the crowd dressed in black were directed back to Evan’s house where there would be a gathering. You know, to grieve. As if this day hasn’t been grieving enough already.
Brendon kept his arm around me as we walked, guiding me up the path from the cemetery to the car since my eyes were useless and buried behind a thick layer of pathetic tears.
I missed him so much and I had no idea how I could possibly live without him. I promised Evan, though. I promised him that I’d try for happiness and someday, I will. But today I had to cry. Today was a day where I had to let the tears out, and let the grief consume me because if I didn’t, then I’d keep all of this pain bottled away and then someday, it would all burst and that wouldn’t end well. But someday, I will follow through with that promise and I will find happiness. I don’t know how, but for Evan, I will try.
“Here.” Marissa mumbled, handing me a Kleenex, as we slid into the car, Marissa on my right and Brendon on my left while my dad drove and Cody was in the front.
I took the tissue paper from her shaky hand and started to wipe away the heavy flow of tears from my cheeks. I tried to voice a thank you, but I had no voice, it was buried under the thick damn holding my body shaking sobs away.
I was so ready to spend the rest of my life with Evan. To struggle through senior year, graduate, and then we’d go to college together and live in a couples dorm. Even if he hogs the blankets a lot, I could sleep in the same bed with him every night and I’d cherish the privilege. I was ready to fight with him, but work it out because we love each other. I was ready to love him with everything I had and to have a life with him. He is my forever, but now my forever is gone and I am alone.
This hurts so bad.
Eventually, the car came to a stop and we were outside of Laura’s house. Evan’s house.
I followed everybody else into the house, but I didn’t feel like I was part of the group. I felt distant and invisible. I wish I was invisible. Once we got inside, I saw that there were already a lot of people inside of the house, eating away at the hor ’dourves and chatting quietly with sullen looks on their faces.
Not in the mood to talk, I moved to the couch and sat down with my elbows on my knees and my hands clenched in each other as I sat there alone and thought about nothing. I blocked out everything from my mind and stared at my white knuckles, not letting anything pass my blockade of thought.
“Maggie.” I heard somebody murmur my name right before I felt the couch dip down beside me.
I almost didn’t look over to see who it was because I really didn’t want to talk to anybody. I didn’t want anybody to even see me or know that I existed. I didn’t want to exist, I just wanted to be with Evan. But eventually, my brain had forced my neck to move and my eyes to lock on Kyle. He looked like crap too, but- like Jason- he’s trying to keep it together for the sake of others. I wasn’t that selfless.
“I’m not going to ask you how you’re doing because it’s a pretty fucking stupid question.” He informed me, much to my relief, because so many people had asked me that in the day. The preacher, the other guests, everyone. “But Evan gave me something to give to you.” He told me, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket and stretching his hand out to me.
Again, my movement was hesitated, slow, and exhausted, but I still managed to grip the folded piece of notebook paper in my fingers and hold on to it dearly. It had writing on the inside, but I didn’t want to read it in front of people, so I held it closed in my hands since my black lacey dress didn’t have pockets.
“Is there anything I can do?” He asked hesitantly.
I waited for a moment before nodded but just as I did that, I could feel a wave of tears threatening to burst yet again as my chin trembled with the effort to hold them back. “Do you have any baseball pictures of Evan? I never got to see him play.” I rasped, my hands shaking, my chin trembling, and tears pouring, but I tried my best to keep it together, I just couldn’t.
Kyle nodded as he pulled something else out of his pocket and handed it to me, it was a small flash drive. “There’s some video and pictures on there, he said you might want it.”
“Thank you.” I whispered, knowing that if I spoke in anything louder, I’d combust.
“You must be Maggie.” A soft voice said from above me.
Again, I didn’t want to look up, I didn’t want to socialize. I wanted to evaporate. But I did look up and I saw somebody standing there who I didn’t know. So I didn’t speak, I just stared at the person. I didn’t want to speak and honestly, I don’t think that I could even if I wanted to without breaking down.
“My name is Blake.” He told me, sitting down beside me, on my left while Kyle was on my right. He had dirty blonde hair, short and spikey, and dull gray eyes with the same sullen look on his face as everyone else. “I’m on the baseball team and I was friends with Evan.” He explained.
I nodded mechanically, being pushed through the motions by my brain.
“I know this is a really bad time, but I really had to meet you. Whenever I was on the phone with Evan over the summer, all he’d talk about was you. You seem really great.” Blake told me.
My chin trembled again but this time, I wasn’t winning the battle and tears flowed down my face once more as my body shook with caged sobs.
“Sorry.” He said quickly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t.” I whispered with the only voice I had remaining after one of the worst days of my life. Never had I ever expected such pain, such loneliness. How do people do this? How can people bury their loved ones and get over it? I can never get over this, I’m sure of it. I’ll never not feel this pain. “It’s really nice to meet you.” I croaked.
He nodded and, much to my surprise, he leaned closer and wrapped his arms around me, only knowing me for less than five minutes.
But no matter who this Blake kid was, that hug was the last straw, so I buried my face into his shoulder and I sobbed. Every damn inside of me broke down and I shook with every sob that pushed its way out of my empty chest. After a few moments, I felt myself being shifted and moved from the stranger to somebody else. It was Sam. He held me in his arms and I cried into his chest as hard as I could right in front of everyone.
I heard whispers as I cried and I knew that I was drawing attention, but I didn’t care and even if I did I couldn’t build the damn up even if I wanted to. Eventually, crying wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to express how much I needed Evan. And so I screamed. I muffled my scream by shoving my face into Sam’s chest and I clutched onto his shoulders for dear life and I screamed.
That’s when I knew that the whole house had their eyes on me, talking about me, wondering about me.
“Let’s just take her home, she’s been through enough for one day.” I think that was Brendon.
“Or one life time.” Sam muttered, picking me up in his arms and carrying me to where I assume was the front door of the house, but I didn’t stop crying and occasionally screaming.
My poor Evan. My Evan. My forever. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, I can’t do this without you. Evan, I’m so lost without you. Please come back.
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Perect song on the side (Gone too soon- Simple Plan)
I'm sorry that you all hate me, but I still love you <3