"Thank you for allowing me to experience that once more."
***
Everything made sense now.
The armour Levi built so thickly, the walls he shrouded himself in, the little emotion he allowed himself to show.
Everything made so much sense now, and it makes everything all the more fucking heartbreaking. Levi, who had tried so hard to keep all of his comrades alive, who lost more than I can ever think to lose, cares for me with his life, has been through so much himself.
The least I could do for him is stay. Stay by his side no matter how difficult the things life throws at us.
I couldn't sleep well that night. I said goodnight to Levi an hour after I had arrived to give him his birthday gift, but I couldn't shake the words that came from his mouth from my mind. An overwhelming guilt that ate at me for something I couldn't do anything about, and it made my head spin. How he managed to get out of such situations was something I don't think I could thank the universe for enough, but it just barely escaping that would surely rid you of your sanity, little by little.
Dawn came faster than I could process, my hand mindlessly stroking the fur of Sarj's soft golden fur. He was getting big, now taking up a decent portion of the bed, though he made sure to not leave any space between my leg and his back. The ceiling remained very much the same, a blank canvas for me to draw on in my head, but it all turned back to the the sight of the fire, the feeling of Levi's lips on my hand as he told me his past, the feeling of hatred and remorse stinging my eyes in the form of tears.
Shoving the thoughts away, I sigh and roll out of bed only causing Sarj to further sprawl over the bed in a sightless attempt to find me, only to open his eyes and lift his head up. His ears flopped around innocently as he set me in his sights and proceeded to lay back down with a whine while he stretched. I roll my eyes at him.
"Such a difficult life, hm?" I murmur, walking to the dresser and getting some clothes out for a shower. Levi had two more 'wishes' for his day, and I intend to make it all happen.
***
It was a sad day outside. The rain grew a little heavier overnight and the temperature dropped drastically. I had Levi's scarf in hand from the time we ran from the shop I got the crystal flowers to Headquarters, having washed it since he lent it to me. Heading to the mess hall, I fold up the scarf and fix myself a cup of tea before seating myself at a table.
The hall was empty, rather bizarre considering the squad usually woke up not long after dawn. But it was peaceful regardless, it wasn't often the hall was empty, allowing someone to enjoy their food or drinks without distraction. I could hear the rain outside, beating on the windows making it echo through the building. If it were an option, I'd have rain gracing the lands every night as a lullaby.
"You're up early!" Hange beams as she strolls into the hall. I shrug, keeping my gaze on the window, watching raindrops race each other to the bottom.
"Body clock." I reply neutrally taking a sip of my tea.
"Ah, right. You ready for todays training?" She asked, fixing herself a glass of water and walking to seat herself across from me. I look at her with a small smile, shaking my head, her response only being eyebrows raised in surprise.
"It's Levi's birthday, Erwin let he and I take the day off just to do something nice for him." I say quietly, knowing he could show up at any time. Her face lit up, clearly getting fidgety in her seat.
"He's a Christmas baby?!" She whisper shouted at me, and I was surprised by her self-control. I shrug with a smile, placing my tea down on the table before looking at her.
"Not too sure exactly. We both agreed we'd celebrate his birthday on Christmas a while ago and well, here we are." She smiled widely, clasping her hands together as her smile only widened.
"Oh, oh! What are you guys going to do?!" She exclaimed, this time adding a bit more volumen to her voice. I pondered in the thought, the day was really about Levi so what he wants to do is what we'll do.
"Not too sure yet, that's all up to him." I muse before an idea popped into my head. "You and the squad could probably get away with getting out of Headquarters for an hour or two to go grab him something from Trost. Gifts, baked goods, even just a box of tea. And it'd give me an excuse to send some money with you to grab some lavender oil." Hange tilted her head in question at the sudden mention of my requested item.
"Lavender oil?" She repeated as a question.
"Yeah, Erwin suggested it a while ago. Helps with sleep and we both know he doesn't get much of that." My eyes fell to the cup of tea that sat in front of me. "Grab some chamomile tea too, using different remedies can't help. If it works tonight and he sleeps in tomorrow, we'll leave him to rest. I'll take over his duties until he wakes up."
"Aw, you guys are so cute." Hange coos, resting her face in her hands as she balanced her elbows on the table. I look up and gaze at her in confusion, tilting my own head in confusion.
"What?" I ask, frowning. She rolls her eyes, further smooshing her cheeks into the palms of her hands. She doesn't know. She shouldn't know. She sighed as she waved me off, her face retreating from her hands as she leaned back on her bench.
"Nothing nothing. But yeah, I suppose we can make do with you taking over from him for a few hours." She said dramatically. I let out a scoff, enveloping my self in small conversation with her about nothing and everything for the next ten minutes before she got up to start readying herself for today's training.
"Here." I mutter as I stand up, reaching a hand into my pocket and pulling out a few coins and handing them to her. I pinch the scarf from the bench I was seated on, holding it firmly in my hand. Hange looked at it but didn't question it. "Erwin said lavender is quite dear so I'm hoping that should be more than enough." She sifted through them in her palm before pocketing them, looking back up at me with a smile.
"Eh, if they cost more I'll pay for the rest and you can pay me back." She said and I nod.
"Don't kill Eren today, we need the boy." I voice, walking by her.
"You have such little faith in me, Sunshine." She calls after me.
"For justified reasons, too!" I reply, exiting the hall. "Sin." I murmur to myself, deciding that I'll go check up on him for a little bit.
The halls eventually gained more than one occupant, earning a few greetings from the squad as they all woke up from their nights sleep. Despite having just woken up, they all seemed pretty... aware? If that was the way to put it? Like they'd been awake for hours already. Walking out of the building, my head was already feeling a little heavier with the rain that added to my hair. I tuck my chin into my jacket when a breeze blew by, seeking out the warmth from within. Fortunately, getting to the stables wasn't much of a walk, so getting drenched would be the thing to worry about when I'm on my way back to Headquarters,
Walking in, it was rather quiet. Until I hear a loud whinny from the other side of the stables; the same side Sin was in. I roll my eyes, the horse well known for being overly dramatic in just about everything. I pace to his stable, peeking my head over the side of his stall and finding Levi standing in there with his arms crossed, staring at the mammal with an unimpressed expression.
"You done?" He muttered, raising an irritated eyebrow at the beast. Sin let out another cry before snorting at the raven. I stifle a chuckle, a sigh sounding from the captain who was oblivious of my presence. "Damn brat, I'm just trying to check that cut on you." That sentence made me furrow my eyebrows.
"Cut?" I voice, pacing slowly through the door and closing it behind me. Levi turned to me, sparing a glance before shifting his weight on one leg and glaring at the horse.
"He's got a cut on his hip, brat refuses to let me look at it." He says and the horse blew accusingly, as though he were arguing with the raven. I roll my eyes and walk around Sin's side, Levi taking the time to roll his own eyes as he watches the horse remain still at my approach. It wasn't deep, but it was a gash nonetheless. I reach forward and gently run my finger under the cut, the muscle in the area tensing at my touch.
"Can you grab some water please? And some honey if we have any." I ask the raven, his gaze going from the horse to me.
"Honey?" He echoed. I nod.
"It has anti-oxidants, it will keeps the moisture in the wound and helps open wounds such as this heal that little bit faster." I inform quietly, my hand retreating from the wound as I walk back toward Levi. I offer out his scarf that was still held tight in my hand, his eyes flickering between me and the piece of attire. He huffed a little, grabbing the scarf and sending another quick lighthearted glare at the horse who also huffed in response before the raven walked out.
He was back faster than I had expected, his hair dripping with rain water that stuck to his forehead. His eyes watched me walk to him, giving him a smile as I took the requested items into my hands and paced back to the horses side, tending to it immediately.
"Sorry." I say with a light chuckle, the apology aimed at the raven. Sin finally allowed him to approach his side, Levi moving to stand beside me and watch as I cleaned the wound.
"For?" He asked, voice barely audible.
"I forgot it was raining and should've taken the possibilities of it getting heavier into consideration. I'm sorry." I look away from Sin for a second to look at Levi who was a lot closer than I remember. He shook his head, the gesture making raindrops fall from the tips of his hair to the ground.
"Don't apologise." He says, watching me uncap the jar of honey. I used the small spoon he brought with him to stir the thick syrup in hopes of making it a little runnier and easier to apply to the wound without having to get messy and use my hands. After applying it, I frowned at the cut that donned a thin layer of honey over it.
"God, I hope bugs don't get too attracted to the scent, it'll drive Sin insane." I mumble, screwing the lid of the honey back on. "All better?" I ask the horse, walking back around in front of him as he snorted a little.
"Brat." Levi spoke under his breath, walking back to the door. I roll my eyes at the sudden rivalry between my horse and my partner, quickly running a hand up and down his forehead before exiting with Levi.
"How'd that even happen?" I ask as we walked through the stables and to the entrance.
"Went to check up on Sol, Sin seemed agitated. There was a splintered piece of wood on the side of his stall, he must've accidentally knocked his hip into it or something. I got rid of the wood when I could but he seems to have favourites when it comes to sharing his stall." Levi clicked his tongue making me let out a light laugh.
"I mean he is my horse." I reply.
"Wow, really? Who would've thought?" He retorts with sarcasm making me bump into him with his shoulder.
"Shut up," I chuckle. "He did seem to like you that one time when we were going to dinner for my birthday. Speaking of birthdays-"
"I want you to give me another haircut." He says, pace indifferent, voice unchanging. I looked at him, he remained facing forward. "That's my second request." I furrow my eyebrows.
"You can request me to do that anytime you'd like." I say.
"I don't want to do anything outside of Headquarters today. Everything I want to do, I want to do with you, Mon Coeur." He voiced, tone reducing to one of sheepishness. I thought about it for a moment, he could've requested to do anything with me. Baking, reading, hell, even cleaning. But he just wants me to cut his hair for him. Such a simple task he wants to use one of his requests for.
"Sure, I can do that for you." I say, voice small. We came to the stables entry point. The rain seemed to have settled a little, Levi's distaste evident on his face.
"Seems the weather favours you." He murmurs, looking over the yard before grabbing my hand and interlacing his fingers with mine.He squeezed hard, guiding me back to the main building and pulling me into the foyer. It was empty, the hall air was still. And in an instant, his hands were on my waist and his lips were on mine. It was just for a second, but that second felt like it was taking forever, a forever I wish really was forever. He pulled away after a moment, the taste of him still playing on my lips, his scent suddenly dizzying, his touch scalding.
"Good morning," he whispers, his breath felt on my lips, the smell of mint mixed with the bitterness of black tea somehow so intoxicating.
"Good morning," I greet back, his hand inching back into my own as he began walking me back to his office again. The last time I was there, I was heartbroken because of the past. But I suppose I can thank the vast cruelty and the snippets of compassion his past held, because it all lead him here.
Walking into his office, it was warm. Though, it rarely wasn't warm, so I suppose that wasn't really a surprise. His hand didn't leave mine as he walked into his bedroom, and then into his bathroom. I still found it strange how everything of his was spotless, from each corner of every room to each inch of his books. It always made me afraid to even think about touching any of his belongings, scared I might leave a speck of dust or something.
His hand left mine, my eyes glancing down at the jar of honey in hand. I huff a little, realising I left the water back in Sin's stall. Placing the jar down on beside the basin, I soon begin fishing through the drawers for scissors and a razor.
"Considering the last time I did this for you was nearly two months ago, your hair hasn't actually grown all that much." I say as I place the utensils down and turn back to the raven who had already seated himself on the same stool he was sitting on the last time I cut his hair.
"If I could stop it from growing at all I would. It looks messy if it gets long." He voices neutrally.
"I think it'd look good." I reply honestly. He raised an eyebrow at me, a bored expression crossing his features. "Seriously! Not like shoulder length, but a little longer than it is now."
"No. Absolutely not." I snort as I pace behind him and rake my fingers through his hair slowly. I watch as his features relaxed, eyes watching me through the mirror before he let out a sigh and allowed his eyelids to fall shut. I raise an amused eyebrow, pausing my movements for a moment and just allowing my fingers to massage his scalp. The weight of his head fell heavier on my hands and I can't help but smile, sliding my hands down the side of his face and tilting his chin up so he could look at me.
His eyes fluttered open, questions racing through them that didn't need words to speak for them. Smiling sweetly down at him, I lean down and kiss his nose before I tilt his head forward again, leaning down and pressing my face against his. I watched him look at the both of us in the mirror, a type of relief and subtle happiness crossing his eyes as I press my lips to his cheek before I release him and grab hold of the scissors.
"You're perfect." He whispers, watching through the reflective glass.
Speechless was an understatement. I couldn't even think of anything except for the words he just said to me and I feel my heart literally skip a beat. Instead, I just smile at him through the mirror, the atmosphere falling silent apart from the sound of hair being snipped. It gave me time to think of a response, because something like that is something I feel has to have something said in return.
My mind wandered as my hands continued to work on their own, recalling the very same things I had done last time we were in this same situation. I couldn't even deny it at this point, I felt stronger emotions for him than I thought possible. He'd saved me multiple times, showed me small acts of kindness, always put me and everyone else before he put himself.
He was an angel. One who was more broken than most, but an angel nonetheless. I rake my fingers through his hair once again, standing behind him. I look at his hair moving with my hands. Beautiful raven locks.
I had read somewhere that angels were blonde, but what do they know?
"My raven haired angel." I whisper, resting my chin on top of his head and I wrap my arms around his shoulders in a short lived embrace.
***
😚
adding as many soft levi moments as i possibly can before i decide to destroy you all with the retake of maria
aishiteru!
jazz<3