I put my school bag in the corner of her room where I usually put it. I listen to the bathroom door close as I open one of her drawers to grab a pair of lounge pants I've left here in the past and change into them, folding my long black skirt and socks neatly next to my bag. I lay on her bed and turn on the TV to play something as I wait. The hum of the water running through the pipes as she takes a quick warming-up shower.
The sun is casting an orange glow on the horizon that mixes into the sky. Clouds partially cover what's left of the blue sky. The top of the clouds is a muted lavender color, with pinks and reds mixing in underneath from the sun. The sunset is beautiful.
She walks in and glances at me lying in the bed, she's in a towel. I turn away from her as she opens and closes the drawers to her dresser. Once done, a warm Maria lays next to me on her back. I flip over and lay my head on her shoulder. "Can I change it?" She asks. "If you were watching it, we can finish it. There was just something I wanted to check out."
"Go ahead," I say and absorb her warmth. My cold hands don't affect her at all. She picks up the remote and closes out the video I wasn't paying attention to while she was gone. My eyes start to get heavy as the video she plays in the background gets more muffled. "The sunset is pretty this evening." My eyes slowly close as I start to succumb to sleep.
"It's always pretty when you're around." She says softly. My chest flutters and they're back again, the fucking scratching words, screaming at me to come out. I still can't figure out what they are, or what I want to say, which is irritating. I fear opening my mouth, so, I rub my face on her, ignoring the fizzing words in my throat as they dissipate back down.
I drift off into sleep listening to her breathing, with warm skin on my fingers.
By the time I wake up, Maria is still awake and staring off into the distance at the TV. I don't think she's paying attention to the video anymore. It's dark outside now and the crescent moon is peeking through the window blinds. Night time.
"Are you doing okay?" I ask her, sleepiness in my voice.
She tenses up slightly. "No," She mumbles very lowly.
"What's wrong?" I ask as I hold her tighter in hopes that makes her feel somewhat better, even if it's just slightly.
Her breath starts to hiccup. A small sniffle comes from her.
"It's okay, I'm here for you," I say. "You can cry. You're safe with me." I pull myself up to hold her better as tears flow down. She hugs me tight, pushing her face into me so I can't see her. Putting my hand on her head, I begin playing with her hair while stroking her back.
"I feel bad," She says between choked sobs.
"For what?" I ask.
She lifts her head off of me, still looking away from me to wipe her face. "Breathe, Maria. Slow down and get your thoughts together." I whisper to her. "What's going through your mind?"
"My turning." She says in a cracky voice. "I wasn't alone where I went." She starts spilling everything, hardly taking a breath to talk. "I was with an old good friend of mine. One day," She sniffles, "She said that we should go to this abandoned warehouse, I wanted to impress her so I said yes." She's talking louder, almost yelling. Not mad yelling, just upset. "We went that same night. A while passed by, I was scared and cold, and I wanted to go home but I wasn't going to tell her that. I just wanted to have fun with her. If I had known about what was going to happen, I wouldn't have fucking gone." She wipes her eyes again. I just watch her. "An elder vampire was watching us the whole time. I was on one side of the building and she was on the other side when she called my name to come look at something with her. By the time I turned around to approach her, someone had run out of the shadows and attacked her. Biting her in the neck. I ran towards her to get him off her," She says weakly, sniffling and letting out sobs before continuing. "But I couldn't. He was strong." She says lowly. "He was too strong for my strength. I tried hitting him, clawing at his neck but I couldn't even make a mark. I got one last look at her, she was the palest I'd ever seen her before. She didn't even look at me--her life was draining quicker than she could even realize. Then, I attempted to run, knowing I was helpless to save her. I ran out of the building, just listening to her muffled screams and chokes from blood coming up her throat as I was running. Then, it all went quiet." She sits up to look at me. Tears are still pouring out of her eyes as she looks at me, broken. "I sat behind a tree, curled in a ball, covering my mouth. Trying to calm down while thinking about how dead she looked before she had even died. It was the quietest moment of my life. After who knows how long of silence, I slowly walked back to the building to see her. I knew she was already dead but I just didn't want to believe it. Then, there she was, in a small pool of her blood as whatever was left inside of her was dripping out. Her neck was torn up from the bite like he was eating her flesh too. Torn from razor-sharp teeth from improper feeding. Her head looked like it was barely hanging on. And then," Her eyebrows furrow as she looks at me, I don't look away from her, I only hold her. Being careful not to move too quickly.
She doesn't say anything for a moment. Her mouth hangs slightly open. I can see her sharp extended canines but I look away and back to her eyes.
"I'm listening. You can stop if you want to, you can cry on me." I say carefully. She's in a heavily vulnerable state, I don't want her to overshare what she doesn't want to talk about. She continues looking at me.
"He popped out again as I was entranced by the horrible sight of my dead friend. I," She pauses. "I looked into his eyes as he whispered 'Freeze.' " She whispered that as well. " With a fucking smile on his face. Then, I was paralyzed where I stood. I tried so hard to move or to blame the paralyzed part out of fear. But it wasn't, it felt like every muscle in my body was locked in place forcibly. Strained. I don't know how to describe it. I tried to calm down as he walked towards me. To slow my breathing. I met his gaze one more time and I could move again. I immediately knew I couldn't do anything but run. I ran out of the building towards the entrance where we came from. I knew he was following me though. Right before I got to the gate, he grabbed me. Threw me on the floor, on my back. Adrenaline pumping through my veins. I wanted to keep running but I couldn't. He just stared at me. He treated me like I was a bug under his shoe. A piece of fucking meat," She exclaims. Loud. Angry. Tired.
"What?" I yelled at him. The tall figure stared down at me like I was a piece of meat. "You killed her," Saying those words hurt, I knew she was dead. "Why do you want me as well?" I shouted at him. Hoping someone would come, but no one came. My helplessness only made him smile more. He slowly squatted down, not taking his eyes off of me. My heart is racing so fast, it feels like it will explode. My chest is swirling with pain. The air feels thick and hard to breathe, which isn't helping my racing heart. My muscles feel stiff again, my veins pulsing with each racing heartbeat.
"I could feel my heart pounding through my veins. If I had known it'd be the last time I'd ever be alive, let alone feel alive just by being able to feel my heartbeat, I would've acknowledged it more. I knew I was going to die that night, but I didn't want to believe it." She sniffles, hurt in her eyes. "I had so many plans for my future, I knew exactly what I was going to do in my life and how to do it, but I didn't want to let it all go. I had a future." She says, staring at me intensely while holding me by my shoulders. Tears are in her eyes but they don't fall.
I thought about looking for a rock, a branch, anything to fight him off. I felt around with my hands but there were only leaves, dirt, and twigs. I was on my ass, it would've been hard to get away. I slowly pulled myself away from him.
"You have a fortune of fight in you. It's remarkable. You did the only action you could do: Run." His accent was thick. French, I believe. "Now you can't run. You know your situation and, assumably, exactly what to do right now. But that won't work. Not with what I am. If I told you what powers I had, you'd look at me like I'm some maniac. An individual like you deserves to keep living with that fight. To have more power." He pulled out a blade, the silver part glistened in a nearby yellow streetlight. I glanced at it, at my friend's car which was so close but so far. I thought about trying to run again but it seems like he's quick. I looked back to the blade. A dagger with carvings on the handle's leather. A symbol of something I'd never seen. He cleaned it with a rag in his shirt pocket. The more my eyes adjusted to the dark, I could see he was wearing a deep maroon button-up shirt. Black dress pants. A now crumbled-up black hanker chief in the pocket of his shirt.
"So what, are you going to kill me? Just like that and call it a fucking night?" I said demandingly. He looked up from his dagger to me.
"This isn't for you," He chuckled. "This is for me. You're going to get a new life. A stronger one. I've watched you before, Maria. I've witnessed the things you've done for that girl; your only friend. She was pathetic." He said mockingly. "You did all the dirty work for her and only for her. But, to be fairly honest, you'd do just about anything for the ones you love!" He exclaimed with laughter and spread his arms out. "But, the main reason I'm here tonight is because of your father." His voice went back to stern, hard, cold.
"What About him?" I said in a stern voice. "What does my father have to do with this?"
"He," He closed his mouth, pretending to be thinking. "Owed someone something. He made a bet with my, " He paused. His information was vague. "For your sake, let's just say, boss." He grinned, sharp teeth showing. "And, well, as much as I hate to do this because your dad was a fine chap, but consequences are consequences. We had met at a bar and he was a very kind man, I will say. I've been around you before when he'd invite me over. You're smart and hard-working, and you'll take on anything that comes at you as long as you have something to live for. Someone." He said.
"You killed that someone," I said in a lower tone.
"Because you don't need her," He exclaimed. "She was selfish. She was using you for her benefit. You were too love-struck to see that though. But I could see it. I saw it and I got rid of the problem for you."
"I didn't fucking need that," I shouted. "I didn't need you to kill her," Tears formed in my eyes. My voice cracked. "I never wanted her dead."
"Didn't seem like that was your choice, Maria." He said in a flat tone. Getting irritated.
I took a deep breath in and out. Pushing the anger away. "If my father owes you money, why are you killing me?" I asked in a more calm tone.
"Well," He stopped. "You wouldn't want that answer." He said calmly.
"You're going to kill me, I'm on my ass for fuck's sake, why won't you just tell me you prick," I shouted angrily. Frustrated.
"How many fucking questions," He stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know what. I'm after you because I don't want to kill your father. I offered to my boss that I'd kill you instead, which would hurt your father more. There, you happy? You got your answer, you little stubborn child." He huffed an angry breath.
I was left in shock. Betrayal. "It won't hurt him. He doesn't care about me." I said lowly.
"I know. But I wanted to see you with this power. I wanted to see the monster you'd become, how strong you'd be." I don't say anything. I don't look at him anymore. "Your father never loved you." He said in a tone as if it was meant to comfort me. He got closer to me, grabbing my jaw, and holding it hard. Opening it. I tried to move my head away from him but his grip only strengthened.
In a quick motion, he sliced his hand open, and blood immediately flowed. He placed it over my mouth before I could react. A sharp pain in my neck immediately hit me. My blood was draining out of me as his blood dripped into my mouth. Tasting the metallic blood as it went down my throat. With his hand over my mouth, I started scratching at the back of his hand, his arm, whatever I could get. Nothing. I had shut my eyes tight, my ears started to ring and I tried kicking my legs, but to no avail, he didn't stop. Droplets of sweat dripped down from me. I could feel my strength leaving me slowly with each passing second. The cold air got colder as each second passed by. Each second had felt like a minute. The taste in my mouth got worse. Started to taste better, the metal taste disappearing. After all my strength had left, my body was heavy, I couldn't muster up the strength to fight anymore. My vision started flashing with blotchy spots of nothingness. I look over at the car once more before my vision goes out. It's over.
Maria is more relaxed now. Her breathing is at a regulated pace. "My only friend died and I could only watch. I ended up losing my humanity that night, as well. He had me in his home for about a year, basically until he could teach me the tricks of what he knew and raised me as a vampire. I hated him though. He was cruel, lacked empathy, pushed my limits, and was just overall horrible. Once I learned what needed to know, I ran from him. He knew it was coming because he told me I could just leave and he wouldn't hold me back. I was tired, worn out, and in horrible condition. Once I ran, I never turned around. I ran until my legs couldn't take it anymore. I ran into the woman who I now call my mom. She took me in and loved me. Loved me through my rough moments, even the ones where I," She pauses. "I tried to," She hiccups again and sniffles. "Where I refused to feed on what I needed. Before all of that, we had written a contract that she'd be my new vampire caretaker. Meaning she could invoke me. If she wanted to, she could command me to do something and I'd do it. Forcibly, by magic. When I refused to feed for long periods, she invoked me to never deprive myself of that again. I still can't to this day." She sighs and her body relaxes more.
"Have you tried to do it again?" I ask.
"No, not on purpose, at least. I realized it was still there when I was around you. I got really hungry and I couldn't," She stops. "I couldn't stop myself. The most I could do was to trance you to sleep and forget. My mother taught me healing magic, so I healed you as well—no scars, not a mark. I tried my hardest to be as gentle as I could be. Though, it usually does cause bruising if unhealed. If you bite someone correctly, they should fully heal within a day or two." She says in a low tone. She's not looking at me anymore.
"So, you did bite me," I say looking at her.
"Yes. I had almost done it a couple of times." She looks guilty.
"It's alright," I say.
"No, it's not," She spits back.
"You didn't have a choice. If what you're saying is true, then you really couldn't have stopped yourself from that. Please, all I ask of you is to ask me next time. If you want to." I say.
"No," She says a little too loudly. "No," Softer spoken now. "No. I felt horrible after. And then I felt too bad about it to even tell you about it after. Even when you asked. But I didn't just want to trance it out of your mind. I didn't know what to do. I was scared." She says.
"Of what?"
"That you'd leave. Out of fear." She pauses. "Fear of me. I don't want to be feared. I'm not someone who should be feared." Her hands clench.
I wrap my arms around her and bring her into an embrace. She slithers her hands to my back, holding me tight. "I'm sorry." She whispers through a shaky voice. "I'm so, so sorry."
"It's alright, I'm not upset. Not at all. I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me all this. I'm not scared of you either. You're not a monster." I say slowly. She holds me tighter as she begins sobbing more. I can fully trust her if she's being this open with me. I know she's not going anywhere. She wouldn't hurt me, not on purpose.
After trying to comfort her again, I offer to get her something. I'm going down the stairs by myself to grab some water.
Walking back up, my legs get tired. I think about what she had told me, how horrible it must've been.
Opening her door, she turns around quickly and looks at me wide-eyed. "Are you alright?" I ask as I close the door behind me.
"No," She says. "Something else is on my mind. I feel like telling every little detail about my actions right now."
I sit beside her and hold her hand. She looks down at our hands and she gradually lifts her head to look at me. "Only tell me what you want. I'm always here to listen."
She looks away from me and looks down at the water bottle I gave her. I watch her eyes slowly close as she takes a deep breath.
"No," She says in a low tone. "I can't tell you yet."
I reach out for her hand to hold, her eyes open and she looks at our hands. "That's alright." I smile. When she sees me smiling, she gives me a sad smile. The TV is still on, casting a glow onto her face. Her eyes are red with weary eyelids from crying.
"It's more just," She sniffles, breathing in a shakey breath. "That night." She rubs her eyes with her unoccupied hand.
"I'm here for you, Maria," I say calmly.
"You'll hate me for what I've done." She says in a more sharp tone.
"What'd you do?" I asked as an uneasy feeling flowed through my stomach. Putting a slight divot there too.
"I don't want to talk about it." She says in a low tone. Shameful. "Not right now, at least."
"Okay," I say, trying to put off the feeling of skepticism. "That's alright." I hold her hand tighter. She looks at me with sad eyes. Eyelashes stuck together from the tears. Survivor guilt. You can see the guilt in her eyes in the way she looks at me. Probably hoping I could change something. "I can't change anything, but what happened wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could do, Maria." Her eyebrows furrow and her eyes squint. Tears fall again. "I'm here for you. Whenever and whatever you need."
"I know," She says with a shaky voice. "I know you are, Winter." I pull her to me slightly by her arm and she hugs me tightly. Crying harder onto my shoulder.
"I've wanted to kill him for so long." She heaves in a shaky breath. "She didn't deserve that, she was a good person." She cries out.
"You were too. You still are. You didn't deserve that, Maria." Her hands clenched on my shirt, shaking. "No one deserves to have their life ripped away because of someone else." I hug her tighter. She heaves in a shaky breath, sniffling. Sobbing. We stay like that for a while.
Her crying hasn't subsided. "I don't want you to die, Winter."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I don't want you to die." She cries out.
"I'm not going to, Maria," I say. "I'm right here. I'm safe, you're safe."
"You will, though. You're mortal and I'm immortal. I'm going to live on and you're going to die of old age someday." My chest spikes, my heart skipping a beat. I forgot about that. She's immortal and I'm not.
"That's alright, it's a part of life," I say, upset.
"Not mine. Not anymore." She exhales a shaky breath down my neck. "I mean, I can die, but only from injury. I can't die of old age or some mortal disease. I hate it. I hate it so much, it's such a lonely feeling. Knowing people you care about are going to die before you do." She holds me tight, not releasing. Holding her breath.
"I know I'm not immortal," I say with a shaky voice, feeling my tears come along with hers. "I know." Neither of us says anything after that. She continues crying on me as my tears fall as well.
A while later, I got her to lie down after she let all the emotions out she'd been bottling up. We're lying next to each other, both facing each other. Her eyes are closed but mine remain open. I'm looking at her face.
"I really like you, Winter." She sniffles. "You make me feel whole again. It feels like I've been missing you my whole life when we started getting closer." She didn't open her eyes when she said that, only smiling slightly.
My own eyes peel open more though. Suddenly, my chest and stomach flutter so hard, that I feel like puking out words. Words. Feelings. Those feelings. Those words I've only ever told my father, but not in that way. Not in a romantic way. I have romantic feelings for Maria. I have romantic, lovey-dovey feelings for Maria. The urge to kiss her appears in a quick moment, strong as ever. To gently stroke her skin and whisper sweet nothings into her ear. To tell her how much she means to me, how I wouldn't mind spending the rest of eternity with her. How I couldn't breathe without her. How I love her. These thoughts overwhelm me. Is this what that feeling has been all this time? How could I have not known? The consistent butterflies in my stomach, the nervousness I'd get when I was around her, let alone suddenly caring about my looks around her? Always wanting to be closer to her. The way I'd feel better when I'm around her.
"Winter?" She whispers, getting me out of my train of thought.
"I'm listening," I blink. "I'm very happy that we've grown closer together. You mean a lot to me." I stop before I say too much. She smiles more, opening her eyes slightly and reaching an arm out for a moment, but shrinks back. I slowly reach out to her and she quickly pulls me into an embrace.
The thoughts come back, filling my whole head up. All the memories we've had together, good and bad. The number of times we've laughed our asses off with each other and the times when we're comfortable enough to share our deepest memories. The times we've cried, showing our most vulnerable moments to each other. The times we've fought but we still stayed close. Showed patience with each other. The love growing for each other.
I take a deep breath through my nose, taking in her scent you can only smell up close. Her smell brings a wave of happiness, making my body relax. I continue taking deep breaths as we lay there together, holding each other.