Chapter One Hundred Twelve
Dani
Arrow appears at my desk at 7pm on the dot. That's the Army punctuality that Eli talks about. He sends me a smile and asks, "You ready to go?"
"Just need to shut down the computers. Are you sure you don't mind taking me, Arrow?"
"Not at all. You're pretty cool... Hey LT. Will someone be home when we're done?"
"Yeah, my ma will be in. You don't have to hang around if you don't want to."
"And not get some of your mom's awesome food? Yeah, right."
The journey to Sam's office is mostly silent. At one point, Arrow calls my name and my head snaps up. I briefly catch his eye in the rear view mirror before looking away again.
"You ok, Dani?"
"Yes sir."
"You don't need to call me sir."
"Sorry. Habit."
"I get it. It's natural for you to say it. Just remember you don't have to say it. There won't be any punishments if you don't."
How does he know about that? I don't believe Eli would have told him details like that. Ash doesn't know the details, so he could hardly tell Arrow that.
"It was just a guess. No one told me, in case you're trying to figure out who revealed the information. Simply a guess."
I whisper, "You three are too good at reading people..."
He chuckles, "That is part of our job, girlie. I'd be worried if we weren't good at it."
I nod, not really having anything else to say. The rest of the journey is made in silence. When we get into Sam's building, she's waiting at the reception for us.
She smiles warmly at both me and Arrow, "Hey Dani. Hello Ryan. Eli said you'd be here."
Ryan? She calls him Ryan? I thought only his mom called him that. I look at Sam and then I hazard a glance at Arrow.
I raise my eyebrow and whisper to him, "Arrow?"
He knows what I'm referring to, but he simply smirks at me. Sam looks confused and questions, "Arrow? I thought your name was Ryan."
"It is. My friends call me Arrow though."
"So, what should I call you?"
"Ryan is fine."
He mutters in Spanish, "She's a shrink. And she's not my friend, in case you're wondering about the name, Dani."
I nod and almost feel a sense of possessiveness over Arrow. He lets me call him Arrow, that must mean he considers me a friend. Before I know what I'm doing, my mouth speaks of it's own accord. Thankfully, it comes out in Spanish, saving me from embarrassment in front of Sam.
"I'm your friend?"
He looks shocked, "Of course you are. Why would you even question that?"
I shrug, getting my sense of composure back, and putting myself back in my place. The quiet and submissive place.
Sam questions, "Anything I need to know about?"
"No ma'am."
She eyes me closely at Arrow's words, nods and then asks, "Are you ready, Dani?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Are you waiting out here, Arrow?"
He nods.
"There's a coffee machine over in that corner, if you would like a cup. Shall we, Dani?"
I follow Sam into her office and shoot one last look at Arrow. He sends me a smile and a thumbs up before I disappear into the other room.
I sit in my usual chair, while Sam takes the seat behind her desk.
"Would you like to administer the Modecate before we start?"
I nod, so she prepares the shot before placing it on the desk for me. After I've given myself the drug, she disposes of the items correctly and then sits back down.
"So, how have you been?"
I shrug. I don't really know how to answer that, honestly.
"What's been happening with you this week?"
"It's been busy. Lots of work to do."
"Eli did mention that. He said that's why you originally cancelled tonight's session. Because you weren't sure you'd be able to get here. Can I be blunt with you?"
I shrug and then nod. She's going to say it anyway, so I may as well just agree.
"I think there's something else going on. Eli sounded surprised when I said you'd text me. Do you want to talk about it?"
I don't reply. I simply stare at my fingers.
"It's just us in here, Dani. I'm not going to tell Eli anything you say when he's not in the room. I'm not allowed to do that, but even if I were, I wouldn't. I want you to trust me. I want you to truly know this is a safe place. I don't want you to bottle things up again. That's not going to help you. I'd like to think you trust me to some degree, and that you feel you can talk to me. There is no punishment for whatever you say here. Your thoughts and fears are specific to you and the only way to deal with them is to get them out in the open. There will be no negative consequences for what you say in here, because talking is the only way to get through this. How has work been? Have you been coping ok?"
"It's been a bit more difficult. I could feel that I needed another shot this time."
She frowns, "That's not good. Do you feel like the dose isn't high enough?"
"You're asking a recovering drug addict that question?"
She smiles, "I like the sarcasm. That's new."
"Eli says I've learned it from Ash."
"That's another person from work?"
"Yes ma'am. Arrow doesn't work at the precinct though."
"He doesn't?"
"No ma'am. He's a friend of Eli's."
"And your's?"
"I guess so. I'm not so good at knowing what friends are or being able to understand what that whole concept is. I don't even know when people are joking most of the time."
I see a sad look flicker on her face, before she says, "You've spent a lot of time on your own, Dani. You can't expect to learn a whole new social etiquette so quickly. You've done remarkably well, considering everything you've been through. I'd like to know when you feel the effects of today's dose wearing off. Then we'll see about changing the levels if necessary. Have you had any panic attacks since I last saw you?"
"Yes ma'am. A couple. Two really bad ones."
"Eli had to help?"
I nod. "It's been a tough week."
"How come?"
I try to steady my erratic heartbeat. Things with Eli aren't great at the moment so I'm not sure how talking with him about today will go. The need to get this off my chest suddenly feels like it's going to burst out of me. It feels like my heart is going to rupture out of my chest with the need to express my fears.
"I thought I was going to lose Eli today..."
"Oh dear. What happened?"
"The team was called to a particularly volatile situation. There was a very high chance the perpetrator was going to drop a vial of infectious disease right in front of Eli. I really thought I was going to lose him."
"And that scares you?"
I scoff, "More than you can know."
"You think you can't cope without him?"
"I know I can't. I can't even get through a day without him having to calm me down at some point. If he wasn't around then I'd probably have a heart attack from a panic attack. He makes the nightmares easier to manage."
"But they don't go away?"
"No ma'am. I don't think they'll ever go away. But Eli makes it better."
"Have you had any bad nightmares recently?"
I take a deep breath. If I can't ask Eli, Ash or Arrow about what they're planning, I can at least discuss it to some degree with Sam. She can't tell Eli, and I don't need to give her specifics.
I start small, "I had a really bad nightmare last night. I've had a few this week, but last night's was awful."
"Memories?"
My voice hitches as I speak, "Yes."
"Would you like to talk about it?"
I shake my head quickly. "I can't; not yet."
"Ok, that's fine. Has anything changed this week? Something to set this off?"
I take another deep breath, "I'm worried about Eli."
"Any particular reason for that?"
I nod. "He's working on something and it's going to get him hurt, or killed."
"Have you spoken to him about it?"
I shake my head.
"Why not? You've always been able to talk to him..."
No,I haven't always been able to talk to him. When I didn't know him that well, I was actually quite horrible to him and there's still things I can't tell him yet. However, I'm not going to say any of that to Sam.
I quietly explain, "He doesn't know I know about it. I figured it out and he doesn't know."
"He hasn't mentioned anything to you about it?"
"No ma'am."
"Do you know why that is? Doesn't he usually tell you everything?"
"Mostly, yes."
"Could it be that it's for your protection? That he doesn't want to worry you or upset you, so he's trying to keep whatever he is doing quiet?"
"Probably. I know he doesn't want to upset me, but if he gets hurt or dies, then I'll never forgive myself. It's my fault he's doing this and if he doesn't tell me what he's doing, how can I apologize for any of it? I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to get hurt because of me..."
The reality of losing Eli hits me like a brick wall and the panic rises. I snap the band on my wrist, trying to bring myself back to the real world. A world with Eli still in it. A world in which I am safe right now.
Sam's voice filters through the thumping in my head and whooshing in my ears.
"Just breathe, Dani. You're safe and Eli is safe. Everything is ok..."
I hear her muttering other things, but I can't quite make out what they mean because my head is in a bit of a mess. When I eventually calm down, I take some deep breaths and apologize for my behavior.
"There's no need to apologize. That's the whole point of having these sessions, so we can work through the issues. I have a feeling that a lot of the difficulties you've been experiencing this week are because you need to talk to Eli. You need to tell him that you know. You need him to reassure you that everything will be ok. I know you're scared, but who is the person that can help you through your fear?"
I'm not sure if that's a rhetorical question, but I answer anyway. "Eli."
"Exactly. He can reassure you far more than anyone else can. He also knows the details of what he's working on and he can give you the information you need to feel safe."
"But I'm scared."
"Of talking to him?"
I nod.
"What are you scared of?"
"That he's going to get angry because I know. He hasn't told me about it, so he obviously doesn't want me to know. What if he's angry I found out? What if I can't actually talk to him? What if I can't voice what I'm thinking and feeling properly?"
This is the most I've revealed about my feelings, especially toward Eli, in front of Sam. I'm embarrassed, but the need to keep Eli safe overwhelms me and I feel the pressing need to get the words out to Sam.
"I think you underestimate yourself too much, Dani. You're stronger and braver than you think. You also trust Eli a great deal. You know deep down that he's not going to get angry with you. He's never once shown any anger toward you, has he?"
"No ma'am."
That is the truth. He's been angry before, mostly at the people who hurt me, but never at me. He's been hurt, disappointed and frustrated, but never angry.
"So there's no need to worry he'll be angry with you now. I believe your nightmares have been worse, because you're suppressing the need to talk to him. This is manifesting in flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks. Am I right in assuming you've completely backed away from Eli?"
My face floods with heat at the truth of her words. I have pretty much done that.
"That's not good for either of you. I'm sure he's trying to figure out what's going on and you're struggling to get through each day because of it. You can talk to me about anything you want, at anytime you want, but I have to advise you that you need to talk to him as well. Do you think you can do that?"
I shrug. I can't tell her what he's working on, because it's an active investigation. How can she know what my fears are if I can't tell her? I know she's right and I need to talk to Eli, but I also know he's not going to back down because I'm scared. He's determined to fix this, but at what cost? If it means losing him, then I don't want it to be fixed. I know it can't be healthy, but I can't cope without Eli. If he's not going to back down, then my opinion will either be squashed or it'll end up in an argument. I'm not the arguing type, so isn't it just better to keep my opinion to myself?
Just as I'm fighting with my mind, Sam speaks, "I can give you something to help you get through the conversation, if you'd like. Just a one off shot. It's a quick release drug, as it goes into your bloodstream. I wouldn't do this as a long term solution, but I can allow it just this once. It'll also help you to sleep. It looks like you haven't had enough of that recently."
"But my addiction...?"
I want the drugs, even just so I can get some sleep, but I don't want to go back to an addiction.
"You won't get addicted from the one dose. I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise. I can see you trying to figure out ways to get out of this conversation. I have your recovery foremost in my mind, and I honestly think you need to talk to him. You need to hear what he has to say and you need to tell him your fears. You can feel that weight sitting on your chest and shoulders, can't you? That's not going away unless you talk to him. If you want the shot, it's available..."
I toss it over for a minute or two, before whispering, "Ok."
"I'll have to administer it though, as it's an intravenous drug. Are you ok with that?"
She's going to touch me. I don't like the thought of that.
"Can't I do it myself?"
"If anything goes wrong, I'll get in a lot of trouble for letting you administer an intravenous drug to yourself."
"I won't take it then. It doesn't matter."
She lets out a deep sigh. "Do you want me to get Ryan so he can distract you?"
"No. It's ok."
"Dani, I can see you starting to panic. I know you don't want me to touch you, but I can't lose my license if something were to go wrong. Let me go get Ryan..."
I'm so focused on trying to steady my breathing, that I don't realize Sam and Arrow are in the room, until I hear his voice.
"What's going on?"
"I need to give Dani an IV shot, but I need you to distract her so I can do that."
"She scared of needles?"
I let out a scoff at that. If only it were that easy. My mouth takes on a mind of it's own, yet again. "I don't want her to touch me..."
I gasp when I notice what I've just said. The tone in which I said it wasn't that pleasant either.
"Right. Hey, Dani? Can you look at me? Girlie?"
I stare at Sam's hands, in which she's holding the syringe. I'm keeping a close eye on her, because I'm trying to prepare myself for being touched. I don't want to be thrown back into the memories, especially after the nightmares I've had this week. I let out an involuntary sob and Arrow's voice is softer when he tries to grab my attention.
"Dani? Don't look. Just turn your head over here. Just look at me and it'll all be over in a few seconds..."
I whisper, "I thought I was doing so well..."
"You are, Dani. You're doing amazing. Just look at me right now and it'll all be over. I know I'm not Eli, but I won't let anything bad happen to you..."
Another small sob escapes as I whisper, "He's going to get himself killed, Arrow..."
"No, he's not. It's all going to be fine. I promised you, didn't I?"
"You don't know them like I do. You have no idea...."
I feel Sam touch my arm and I gasp. My eyes squeeze shut as I try to fight back the memories.
"Stay with me, Dani. It's ok. You're safe. They're not here. No one is going to hurt you, I promise. Almost done."
She releases my arm quickly and I wrap my arms around myself, trying to calm down. I'm vaguely aware of Arrow and Sam talking in hushed tones off to my left.
"What was that?"
"She panics sometimes. We just work around it."
"No, I know she panics. But why now? What set it off?"
"You know I can't discuss that with you. I brought you in here to help distract Dani. It worked, thank you for your help. Dani will be out soon."
"Dani? You ok?"
I whisper, "Yes sir. I'll be ok."
He leaves the room again and Sam finishes up my session with me before seeing me out. When we're in the car on the way to Eli's parents house, I whisper, "I'm sorry about that, Arrow."
"No problem. I'm glad I could help. Although it didn't seem like I was doing much."
"Some things are still difficult for me to handle. That's one of them. Thank you for distracting me."
"It would have been better if it was Eli, huh?"
"Yes sir, but I know he couldn't be there."
"I don't know how he does it. He just seems to be able to calm people down. Always has done."
"He's special."
Arrow chuckles, but doesn't say anything more on the matter. Eli is just stepping into the house when we park up. I quickly exit the car and thank Arrow before heading into the building.
Eli smiles at me as I walk in the front door. "Hey. How was it?"
"Ok. I'd like to get in the shower before dinner, if that's ok?"
"Sure thing. I'll help my ma. You ok if Arrow stays?"
I nod and head for the ensuite to the room we're staying in. I want to wash off the day and the memories as much as I can. I need those drugs to fully kick in if I'm going to talk to Eli about his investigation into my case. I need the extra courage and I haven't felt that familiar kick of the drugs settling in yet. Maybe after I shower, then I'll feel it.
A/N: So, a bit of a filler chapter here. It'll only be a couple more chapters before the raid, I think. I'm excited to write that. If you find Dani & Sam's session a bit jumbled and messy, it's supposed to be like that. Dani is a bit of a mess right now and things have been better for quite a while, so she's not used to feeling like that so much. Also, she's dealing with trusting people a bit more, which confuses her anyway. Hopefully you like the chapter :)