✧𝙽𝚘𝚊𝚑✧
I haven't had a chance to get a sleepover with Cameron yet. I don't know why since we all agreed it'd be nice to have one a long while ago, we just never did it, I guess.
It's the most fun but exhausting thing I've ever experienced. Exhausting in a good way, I think. Once Cameron is finally set up in my bed and asleep, that tired sigh I let out when I drop onto the couch/my bed for the night makes me smile. I like that tired feeling, if I'm being honest. I'm tired because I ran around my apartment all day with my son.
It still feels so unreal. My son. My son. I didn't get to watch his mom's belly grow, didn't get to see his first steps or first smile or laugh, and didn't get to be woken up at two in the fucking morning by crying and screaming because he's hungry or something—and for that I'll always be disappointed. But right now I get to feel the exhaustion I should've felt from day one. The crushing exhaustion that is somehow rewarding. I don't quite understand how, but that swell of my heart tells me the reward is right there waiting for me.
I missed way too much.
I sigh again and glance over at my phone that vibrates on the couch cushion beside me. I hesitate, but ultimately reach over and lazily move the blanket off of it so I can pick it up. I'm less lazy to answer it after seeing it's just Kiara though. "Hey," I hum quietly into the phone even though I'm pretty sure Cameron is out.
"Hey." She returns just as quietly. "How's it going?" She gets right to the point, but her voice still stays soft and unconcerned.
I smile to myself as I tip my head against the back of the couch to look up at the ceiling. "Good." I chuckle. "He went to bed, like, five—ten minutes ago."
"Got him to go easy? He hates bedtime."
"That he does." I murmur thoughtfully. She laughs at that. "No, he went down okay." I assure. I had to do each and every step right beside him, but we did it. "How'd, uh, things go with what's his face?" I can't help my question.
She laughs at that. "Wyatt."
"Uh-huh." I playfully acknowledge. "He wanna try again?" I push, half afraid she won't tell me. I don't know why she wouldn't or why I'd be afraid of it though. It doesn't make sense.
"Yeah."
I nod to myself, pressing my tongue to the inside of my cheek while I think about that. I drop my chin to look down at the ground instead of the ceiling while we both linger in silence for a moment. "And?" I eventually coax.
"We're going to get dinner Saturday."
My eyes fall shut. I blame it on the exhaustion. "That—I mean. That's good, right? You like him, don't you?"
Her voice suddenly sounds so much gentler than it had before. "Yeah...I do." She thoughtfully whispers, a hint of a smile audible there. I like it when I can hear her smile just in her voice. It makes up for the fact that I can't actually see it.
"Yeah." I repeat. "That's nice, Kiara—Really. I'm happy for you guys." I don't know how much that really means to her, but I give it up anyway. I guess it's just something you say, right? I mean it, of course, but it's also a reflex to offer something like that in a conversation like this.
And as if she can read my mind..."Thank you. That means a lot, actually."
"So, um," I swallow and clear my throat. "After school tomorrow you want me to just pick him up and bring him back to mine?" I ask. The plan was to take Cameron to school tomorrow then have Kiara pick him up and take him home with her, but I really wouldn't mind having him that extra day. Especially if she's going to be out on a date thing with this guy. I don't feel like being alone while my friend is out on a date—that always sucks.
"Yeah, actually. That'd be nice." She agrees with ease. I have a feeling she'd have either asked me or her mom anyway. Maybe Aaliyah.
We fall back into the flow of silence again for a long moment before I decide to finally bite the bullet and ask the thousand-dollar question.
"He asked about Cam, didn't he?"
She hesitates to answer me. "Yeah."
"Hm." I acknowledge with a little smile playing at my lips. I can't blame the guy. A beautiful woman with this great kid? Of course he'd want them both back in his life—not one or the other. He'd be stupid if he was going after just Kiara. "And?" I coax. "What're we doing, Kiara?"
"I don't know, Noah. What are we doing?"
I let out a long and loud sigh. I figured she'd ask me, honestly. Lately, she's liked to include me in some decisions for Cameron. It's a part of parenting, she says. I get that, so I've already thought about it. I've thought about how things would change if I agreed to let this guy back into Cameron's life. Cameron's only mentioned him once and it was sort of a one-off comment, so I really have no way of knowing how he feels about that guy beyond whatever Kiara tells me. And she doesn't tell me much.
"He deserves something stable." I mutter. Someone stable, I mean. But that hits a little too close to home, so I settle for something.
Kiara seems to catch onto what I really mean though. "He has it." She offers weakly. I chuckle because I'm not so sure if that's true. He has her, but he needs that extra person too.
"Maybe we should ask him."
She goes quiet for a moment. "Cameron?" She eventually clarifies. "You want to ask him if he wants to see Wyatt?"
"Why not?" I shrug to myself. "We owe him that much, don't we? The whole secret friend shit didn't work out for us the first time. We should just be honest with him, right?"
She takes another moment to mull it over. "I mean..." She trials off to take an extra while. I smile to myself, amused with her silence. "But what about you? What do you think we should do?"
I'm tempted to insist on getting Cameron's point of view, but that would probably only frustrate her. "To be honest, Kiara..." I trial off while I debate on actually being honest.
"Noah, when people say to be honest, they're usually honest."
I frown. "Please get out of my brain. It's freaky."
She laughs at that. I start smiling again. "But it's so simple to be in!" She reasons.
"Hey."
She laughs some more which ultimately makes me laugh too. I quickly remember how infectious her laughter had been that night so long ago. I hardly remember it, if I'm being honest, but I remember little bits of it. This one was the biggest one. This one is the one that initially had me pausing my conversation with my friends to look over my shoulder at her while she giggled uncontrollably with her friends.
"Noah," She calls once she's done laughing at me. She wants to hear the rest of my to be honest speech.
"Mm." I acknowledge her quietly before I go back to thinking about that damn night. My intentions were scrabbled—I remember that too. I wanted to get somewhere quieter with her, and I wanted to know more about this weird stuffed animal she said she carried around when she was little and also when she was not-so little. I wanted to know why she ultimately was the first one to sit with me. I looked like a mess, and I know that.
Why the hell would she sit with me of all people, is what I'm dying to know. I doubt she remembers by now. But maybe she remembers the reason she left before I woke up that morning.
"Noah?"
"Yeah." I acknowledge her again. This time, I make myself shake off my questions and get rid of the flashbacks so I can answer her. "I missed a lot, Kiara." I remind. A lot. "With him, with you, I missed it all. Now that I'm here...I don't want to miss anything anymore. And adding this guy to the mix..." I trail off when my mind tells me to. I can't bring myself to get it out when I picture that little smile she might've had on her lips when I asked her if she still liked him.
She likes him, and what I want to say could jeopardize that. That's not what she deserves. Not what anyone deserves.
Kiara puts each and every one of her needs behind Cameron's. I understand that need, and I don't blame her for it. But sometimes she knows it's okay to let herself do what she wants—which is what today had been. Letting her have what she wants for once. I'd be surprised if she didn't want Wyatt back in Cameron's life.
"Noah, please." She sighs when she realizes I'm hesitating and probably won't continue. "Your opinion matters too. Please, just talk to me." She pleads tiredly.
I still don't answer her at first. She waits for me though, and I come to realize she'll be even more frustrated if I don't just tell her rather than what I have to say. She's going to appreciate that fact that I said anything at all, even if it hurts her. It's just the kind of person she is. "Kiara, I don't want to miss anything else just because..." I grimace and close my eyes as if not seeing helps this at all. "you forget I'm here while he's around." I eventually manage out.
What if Cameron likes him more than me? That sounds so childish and stupid, but it also sounds like a possibility. He knows Wyatt. Maybe Wyatt knows the little traditions Cameron has. Maybe he had his own little game with Wyatt that he'd love to pick back up again. Maybe they got along greater than I do with him.
"You won't." She sounds like she's frowning now, and that's what I really didn't want. I didn't want to put that worry in her head, but now it's there and there's almost nothing I can do to take it back out. "You're his dad, Noah. You're always going to be his dad. Wyatt knows that, and he's not going to cross the boundaries we set to establish that."
I nod to myself at that, trying to make her words sink in. They don't fully right now, but maybe later on when I see whatever boundaries she's talking about working. "Okay." I mutter. It's selfish of me to hold them both back because I'm afraid of my son loving some other dad-guy more than me. It's fucking pathetic.
"We'll figure that out." Kiara mumbles, almost to herself. "We don't have to if you don't want to though, Noah." She reminds gently. "You can change your mind at any point."
I smile to myself. "No, I can't." I argue on a soft laugh. I can't. If I change my mind after Cameron has already met up with Wyatt, it could fuck things up. The way Cameron might see me, and maybe even Kiara and Wyatt's relationship.
"You can." She stubbornly insists. I choose to let her have this one. Picking my battles, and all. This one doesn't matter that much—fighting over some bridge we're not even close to yet. "Anyway," She whispers after deciding she's won. I almost laugh. "There are still so many more people he needs to meet properly." She reminds dreadfully.
I groan. "Don't remind me."
Thanksgiving was supposed to be the day they met my family. I ended up getting annoyed at my mom though, so they really only met a couple of cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandparents. The two people they were supposed to meet, I made them avoid. My parents. My mom, mostly, but my dad too. He got caught in the crossfire and didn't have the balls to stand the fuck up and go over to meet his grandson.
My mom's been openly nagging me to meet Cameron. And since I have no friends anymore other than my sister and her stupid husband, Kiara's heard all about it while I complain like a baby to her.
"Let's not mention what's his face to them." I suggest awkwardly, completely forgetting his name again. "If and when they get to actually meet you guys."
"Agreed."
She doesn't want to deal with that shit storm either.
"Please try not to 'forget' his name when you meet him."
I huff. "I said get out, Kiara. This is an invasion of privacy." I bitterly dismiss. She laughs at that, finding invading my privacy amusing like it's her new favorite thing. "Seriously. Out." I insist while she laughs. "You don't wanna know what else is in there."
"What else could possibly be in there?"
I shake my head in response even though she can't see me. My smile starts to soften down as I sift through what's actually in there. A lot of shit she doesn't want to know—that's for sure. Some random shit she wouldn't care for. Something about the first time we met.
She sucks in a little breath after a long moment of me not answering her. I raise a brow at that, silently wondering if she has an idea about what's in there. If she does, she doesn't acknowledge the fact that she knows. Instead, she yawns in the background. "Well...it's kind of late." She mumbles.
Yeah...it's hardly eight. "Right—Yeah. It is pretty late. Gosh, I start work soon."
She scoffs, a hint of a smile in her voice. "Shut up." She laughs. "So, my bedtime is the same as my son's, don't judge me." She dismisses.
I chuckle at that and offer a playful "Sorry,"
Even though she's the one who says she's tired, she almost seems to stall getting off the phone. She says goodbye, but for some reason keeps pushing the conversation. I don't really mind. I'm not the one tired, after all. I let her push the conversation as far as she can, and it's almost a little funny while I listen to her grasp at straws to stall the inevitable.
She starts telling me about work drama that she's being involved in. One of the guys in her office likes one of the girls, but she's married. That girl doesn't seem to care that she's married because she flirts back with him—so Kiara says. Kiara is convinced there's something going on. Worst part is, the husband is apparently all of their bosses.
After I point out that if she gets involved, look out for the husband or wife in case they choose to retaliate and get her fired somehow, Kiara casually moves on to shit happening with her mom. She says that all of her appointments have been going fine, but she herself is convinced there's something they're missing. When I ask though, she admits that nothing is actually wrong with her mom as of now. No mystery pains and such. I suggest she use her mind reading powers to figure out what the hell else is wrong. She admits it only works on simple minds.
At this point, it's clear Kiara's runnin' out of topics to ramble about. She pauses after I playfully dismiss her simple minds comment. I can practically hear the cogs turning in her head until she sighs quietly, almost a sound of defeat. I smile to myself, waiting for her to finally admit she actually has to go now. I doubt she was lying about being tired. Usually, if we're texting about something, she excuses herself around eight. I think that actually is either her time to get off her phone for the night or the time she gets ready for bed.
She can't seem to do it herself though, so I take pity on the poor, confused girl. "Goodnight, Kiara." I softly offer before she finds something to say.
Another defeated sigh. "Goodnight." She mutters reluctantly. I chuckle at that and wait to hear the sound of her hanging up. She takes a few extra seconds but ultimately finds the courage to hang up on me. I drop my phone from my ear once she's finally done it.
I can't tell if she didn't want to get off the phone with me or if she was just worried about our son and was hoping I'd get up and wake him up so she can say goodnight to him too. I don't know which I'd prefer.