Logan
"It's going to be fine."
Patting my leg, I look over to my mom as she sits next to me in the vinyl chair of the waiting room.
"Okay but—" I start.
"Logan, just listen to me." Turning to face me, her eyes find mine. "I don't care what they say in that room, do you understand me? It's going to be fine."
Her stern voice shuts me up like only a mothers tone can.
Just looking at her, I can see the changes that have come about in the last few weeks.
Eyes that I've been so used to feeling warm and full of energy are replaced with a dull, tired expressions.
Where her skin has somehow seemed radiant it now has a hue that I can't even describe, almost like a shadow has settled across it.
Everything is changing and she knows it— I know it.
There's nothing you can really do to settle the dread that fills your bones like cement knowing that you can't fix something. That's how it feels to think about how sick she really is, how much time we have.
Or how much time we don't have.
Guessing games have never been my thing and even more so when it involves someone I care about, someone I love.
My feet feel like they've been glued to the ground as the nurse calls out her name and I go back with her, reminding myself to take deep breaths to calm my racing heart.
Staying strong for people has always felt like what I needed to do.
I've always allowed myself to have moments where I can be emotional — giving myself just a few moments to cry and let the vulnerability of a situation settle.
Getting a handle on how I feel about things is the best way for me to make sure that I can be there for everyone else.
I remind myself of that as I sit in the hard, cold chair and listen to the oncologist as they tell the one person that means the most to me that things haven't gotten better.
As they tell her that it's gotten worse, that it's gotten bad.
Breathing in through my nose and counting to ten for each breath, I won't let tears gather in my eyes as he tells her about the tumors that have started to spread.
The ones that weren't there before.
Instead I let myself hold my mother, the person who has given me everything I've ever wanted and made sure I was alive and happy. I hold her in my arms as the doctor leaves the room and she cries.
For her.
For her husband.
For me.
Pushing down those feelings that threaten to take over, I remind myself how strong I need to be for her.
It's not easy.
Pretending.
Only when I leave her house after we've gone to lunch and picked at our food, the meals we barely ate, only then do I let the tears fall. They cascade down my cheeks as I make my way to the only place that feels safe, the only place that feels warm when everything around me feels so cold and unfair.
Pulling my car into the driveway, the one person that can hold me and make me feel better waits for me outside.
"Come here, Lo." Arms wrap around me and lift me off the ground, carrying me through the front door. "I've got you. Baby, I've got you."
I cry in his arms as he carries me through the house and into the bedroom before laying down with me, his hand sliding under the back of my sweater to rub up and down my back, soothing me.
"She—She— It's—" I stutter, the sobs taking over.
Harry presses his lips to my forehead, his fingers tangling into my hair as he pulls my head down to his chest. "Hey, hey... We can talk in a little bit, okay? Just cry with me. Let yourself feel what you need to feel, Logan. I'm right here."
I nod as I continue to let the tears fall, as I continue to hold onto him like my only form of salvation during the darkest times I've ever known.
"I love you." His lips brush along my temple, repeating the words over and over as we lay in the dark room. "I'm here, I always will be."
Nodding, his arms pull me even closer as he lets me grieve.
Two weeks ago we were in this room after we got back from a company dinner, only the need to show each other how much we loved each other.
How much we trusted each other.
Now, here we are expressing the same sentiments over a much different situation. The depth of how much we care about each other knows no bounds.
Reminding me how Harry somehow managed to be the person who gave me the love I never knew that I needed.
That I craved.
As if I needed a reminder how much I felt like my soul was made for his.
It feels like something I've always known.
I thought we had no chance.
Yet here we are, loving each other.
When it's hard and when it's easy.
Together.
_________
The last thing I want to do is help with this wedding.
Over the last two weeks I feel like I've been going through the motions. Anything that could make everyone else around me feel like I'm doing alright.
I'm not.
Everyday feels like living at the end of a nightmare, you know the part where you're hanging by the ledge and waiting to wake up?
The part where you know that it's not real and beg yourself to get up— to keep going.
"Maybe I shouldn't go." Dusting blush over the apples of my cheeks, my eyes find Harry in the mirror as he leans against the doorway. "What if something happens?"
"Logan, what did your mom tell you?" Crossing his arms over his chest, he raises an eyebrow in my direction.
Letting out a sigh, I place the brush where it goes before picking up my earrings and fastening them. "That I needed to not worry about her and go to the wedding."
"I know you'll worry and that's okay, but you deserve to let yourself breathe." He gives me a smile, relieving the anxious feeling in my chest. "If it makes you feel better, I'm coming by the venue to pick up the arbor."
A couple of days ago he finally delivered the octagon shaped piece he built for Lauren's clients.
It was stunning.
"You are?" Hope blooms in my chest just like it always does when I know that I'll see him. "Do you know what time?"
Shaking his head and tucking his hands in his pockets, I turn to face him. "I'm not sure. Lauren said she would text me when I could come and get it."
"Does this look okay?" Brushing my hands over my black pants, I glance back in the mirror at the black long sleeve shirt to make sure it's still tucked into my waistband. "Lauren just said to wear black."
I see Harry as he walks across the bathroom, leaning down to rest his chin on my shoulder. "You look beautiful, Logan. I'm not used to seeing you with your hair pulled back."
"I wanted to keep it out of my face." Leaning closer to the mirror, I make sure my sleek high ponytail doesn't have any crazy fly always.
Harry hums to himself, his eyes closing as he nuzzles into the crook of my shoulder. "Wish I could go with you."
"Me too." I sigh, my hands resting across his as they wrap around my waist. "I love you."
"I love you, too." Pressing his lips to the underside of my jaw, he pulls back and makes me gasp when his palm slaps across my ass. "But you're going to be late if you stand here any longer."
"Okay, okay!" I laugh.
He follows me through the house as I gather my things and watches me as I get into my car. "Text me when you get there?"
"I will!" Pressing a quick kiss to his lips, he steps back from my car. "I promise."
"Be safe!" He calls out before I roll up the window, making my cheeks hurt from smiling. "Love you!"
Returning the sentiment, I pull out of the driveway with a dopey smile on my face.
Maybe everything will be okay.
Maybe it'll all work out.
_________
"I love a successful wedding."
Standing next to Lauren, we look out at the crowd of people on the face floor.
We worked together as if we always have once I arrived at the venue, getting everything out in order and making sure everything went off without a single hitch in the plan.
From making sure the flower girl didn't get nervous and cry down to making sure the bride and grooms dog got taken out to the bathroom to avoid a mess, we got every single part of the day covered.
Watching her work in her element was awe inspiring.
Every single detail was so well thought out and her follow through was flawless.
With everything.
There was no wonder her waitlist was months and months into the future.
"This is perfect, Laur." Her deep green eyes find mine. "You are the best."
She waves her hand in front of her face, bypassing the compliment. "Coming from the woman who practically runs one of the best art museums in the country? Okay."
Nudging her shoulder, I roll my eyes. "I'm serious! This was amazing."
"I just love seeing people happy, you know?" Her eyes scan the crowd before finding the bride and groom sharing a kiss on the dance floor. "It makes me happy that I can help people make good memories."
Guilt lashes inside of me, the idea of what I've kept from her.
Harry and I have talked a few times about sitting Lauren down and coming clean about our relationship, but we just haven't had the time to do it.
"Yeah, I know." I smile, taking a drink from my bottle of water. "Seeing people almost makes you forget about the bad things that happen in life."
Silence stretches between us for just a moment, Lauren turning to look at me— those eyes reading my features.
"How's your mom?" She asks.
I look out over the crowd, taking in a deep breath. "She's doing the best she can. Warren put in for a leave of absence from work because she's going to so many doctors appointments.
"I would take her to all of them but with the gala coming up so soon, I just can't. The new tumors have gotten bigger, the doctors are working hard to get her into another trial or literally anything they can think of to help her survive.
"It's fucking terrifying, you know? Seeing someone practically die in front of you? I've been spending a lot of time with — with my thoughts. Thinking through everything and trying to prepare myself for the worst."
Lauren's hand grips mine as her fingers lace through my own. "I'm here for you... You know that right? I know that I haven't experienced what you are going through, but that doesn't mean that I'm not here for you through every single moment that you need me and even the moments you feel like you don't."
Tears burn at the corner of my vision, but I won't let them fall. "I know, I know. I love you for that, Lauren."
Giving me a smile, she pulls on my hand until she can wrap her arms around me in a hug. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too." Squeezing my eyes shut, I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding in. "You're my best friend always, no matter what."
We pull apart, smiling at each other before turning our attention back to the people in front of us. Time seems to fly as the reception goes on, people dancing and enjoying each other's company.
"Excuse me."
Turning to my left, I see a man I've come to know as the brother of the groom standing in front of me.
"Can I help you with anything?" I adjust the piece in my ear that connects to the little walkie clipped to the waistband of my pants. "Is everything alright?"
Reaching up to run his hand at the nape of his neck, the man in front of me smiles. "I'm Miles, um, the groom's brother."
"Logan." I reach out, shaking his hand when his palm slides against mine. "Nice to meet you."
He doesn't say anything, just looks back out at the people dancing. "I was coming to ask if you wanted to dance?"
The music changes into a slower tune, one I recognize from the Ed Sheeran playlist Lauren always listens to.
"Oh, I—"
"I'm sorry if that's inappropriate." Nerves seem to fill his words as he smiles at me. "I just, you're literally so stunning and if I don't take a chance now, I might not do it before the night is over. Besides, my brother bet his buddies that I wouldn't be able to get you out on the dance floor."
His nervous laugh brings a smile to my face. "I don't think—"
"Of course she can!" Bumping my hip with hers, Lauren smiles at me. "Be easy with her though, she's a terrible dancer!"
"Lauren!" Turning around to look at her, my eyes are wide. "I can't, I'm working. For you I might add."
Shrugging her shoulders, she pushes me towards Miles. "Well, it looks like you are off the clock. Go, enjoy yourself. You deserve it!"
I take the outstretched hand in front of me and follow him to the dance floor, forcing a smile as his hand slides over my waist.
"We don't have to do this." Giving me a sad smile, Miles meets my gaze. "I broke up with my ex a couple months ago and everyone feels like I should have just gotten over it already, that's where the dare came from."
"Ah, I see." I laugh, feeling a little bit more at ease. "Do they feel like you should just be able to jump back into the dating pool?"
"Pretty much." Spinning me underneath his arm, he laughs. "Although that's the furthest thing from the truth I've ever known. Right now the last thing I want to do is date someone else."
"Well that works out for the both of us. I'm seeing someone, so now I don't have to break your heart." I smile.
"Thank god." Miles lets his head fall back with his laugh. "I wasn't sure how I was going to lie to everyone."
We fall into an easy conversation as we make our way around the dance floor, laughter passing back and forth at the things we watch other people do.
Only when I feel the presence of the person I dream about do I turn, seeing Harry on the other side of the room as he talks to Lauren.
Except his eyes aren't on his sister.
They are focused on Miles with his hands on my waist as his head tips back with a laugh.
Before I can even excuse myself, he's already pushed out of the side door of the venue, my shorter legs doing their best to eat up the distance between us.
Cool October air seeps through my clothes as I push out of the door, Harry ahead of me as he reaches for the handle on his truck, the arbor strapped down in the back.
"Harry! Wait!" My voice is strained, the feeling of panic lacing through the words. "Please!"
I catch up with him just as he turns, those mossy eyes darker than normal as his brows furrow. "I need to go."
"I'm sorry!" Reaching for his hand, it feels like my insides crack as he pulls it back. "He asked me to dance and I tried to say no— But Lauren pushed me towards him— I promise we didn't do anything!"
"You think I'm worried about that?" His eyes soften. "Logan, I trust you. I always have."
"Why are you running from me?" I say, crossing my arms over my stomach, using my elbow to push the walkie on my waist and over. "I'd never do that to you."
"You think I'm worried about you cheating on me?" The line between his brows deepens, hurt flashing across his features.
All of a sudden I feel exposed, cold. "Isn't that why you're running from me? I don't understand."
"I know you, Logan— I— Fuck." Running his hand through his hair, he shakes his head. "You would never do that to me, so no... That's not my problem.
"My problem is seeing you get to enjoy yourself out in public surrounded by people, knowing that I can't give that to you. I can't take your hand when we are around our friends. I can't kiss you like I want to everytime I see you. I'm so fucking in love with you and I can't even hold your fucking hand when we are at my parents house.
"You deserve to get to be with someone who can give you those things. We've gone behind the backs of people we care about to be together and it's not fair. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me."
My bottom lip trembles as I look at him, a tear sliding down my cheek as he reaches out to cup my jaw. "Harry, we can talk to Lauren— We can be that happy."
"Logan, I want that more than anything." Harry pulls me into him, his lips pressing against my forehead. "The fallout will ruin your friendship with her— It will ruin my relationship with my only sister. There is no escaping that."
"I know." The words come from my lips, words I don't want to say.
We both know it's the truth.
We've let ourselves lie for months, skirting around the truth and continuing an affair that didn't feel so illicit— only now it does.
Now that we realize no matter what truth we admit, all of it will be a betrayal.
"There is not another person on this planet that was made for me, it's only you. I don't want to live a life without you but we need to think about this." Harry pulls back, his thumb drawing a path along the top of my cheeks. "I'm going to go home and I want you to think, I want you to come to me when you're ready. I love you, Logan."
"I love you." I manage to get out, pressing up on my toes and finding his lips with my own. "Please don't give up, please don't."
Without another word I watch as Harry slips into the truck and drives away.
Standing outside for a few more minutes, I gather up the will to make my way back inside, noticing there are far less people than when I followed him out of the doors.
Looking for Lauren, I finally find her in the room where we stored our bags and the things she brought with her.
"Hey, I was looking for you." Stepping into the room, her back faces me. "What do you need from me?"
When she turns around, I feel my heart plummet at the dark and angry look on her face, tears hanging on to her lower lash line.
"How long?" Hard and sharp, her voice is a far cry from the warm tone she used with me earlier.
"Lauren—"
Shaking her head, she keeps her eyes locked on mine. "How fucking long, Logan? How fucking long have you been fucking my brother behind my back?"
"I—"
"Fuck you!" Reaching behind her, she grabs my bag that sat next to hers, clutching it in her hands. "You were supposed to be my best fucking friend, Logan."
Tears well up in my eyes as I step towards her. "Just listen to me, please I can explain!"
"I don't need you to explain!" Shoving the bag into my hands, she runs her hand through her hair. "I heard enough when you tripped the button on your walkie. How dare you? You know what I went through before— You knew everything. Yet you did the same thing, you went behind my back what— So you could get some dick?!"
Anger bubbles under my skin, mixing with the panic and sadness. "That's not what this is— Don't even fucking try and talk to me like that."
"Oh, so I'm supposed to be nice to you right now?" Rolling her eyes, she lets out a hollow laugh. "Right, let me just get on that. You still haven't answered me. How long? How long have you been lying to me?"
"Since your birthday." The words feel sour on my tongue, yet at the same time it feels so light. "There you have it!"
"That's months! Months!" Raising her voice, Lauren shakes her head in disbelief. "You're just like everyone else I've ever known. The fact that you would go behind my back, fuck my brother, lie to me— And you want me to believe you love each other?!"
"If you would just listen to me—"
She scoffs. "Right, so you can lie to me some more? Get the fuck out, Logan."
"Lauren—"
"I said get the fuck out!" Lauren yells, the sound so loud that I can hear people coming down the hallway. "So help me god if you don't fucking walk out of this room right now—"
Backing up, I shake my head. "You're wrong. The position you put Harry in— put me in— You're wrong and I'm sorry, but I do love your brother. You think he's just some playboy but do you even know him?"
"Fuck you." Lauren seethes as she watches me step out into the hallway, her chest heaving up and down, the redness in her face a true tell to her anger. "Don't ever fucking talk to me again, you lying fucking bitch."
The words hit their target, invading my heart and striking me just where she intended for them to.
Without another word, I turn on my heel and let the tears fall as I rush out of the venue.
It feels like everything is crumbling around me.
The relationship with my best friend.
The relationship with Harry.
Everything feels like it's slipping through my fingers and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Nothing I can do to save it.
___________
Well... You asked for it.
twitter @ niallsgoldhoop
-Alex
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