A/N: i'mmmmmm bacckkkkkkkk!-ian :3
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A week has passed since we all went to the club and it ended horribly (?). That night, I slept over at Eren's house. When I went back home that morning, Mikasa was concerned out of her mind for Eren and me. I had to reassure her that we were fine. Things just got intense.
I don't think I have anything else to say. I don't want to talk about it.
"Who's coming to Eren's lake house for Spring break? Show of hands?" Mikasa asked the group as we sat in our regular spot in the coffee shop. Everyone raised their hands.
"Should we throw a party?" Connie asks Eren. He shakes his head.
"Jesus, do you not get tired of parties? No parties." Eren puts his foot down. I huff. Connie blows a raspberry in response as Historia and Ymir walk in and sit down. She smiles at us.
"We have an announcement!" Historia tells us. We look at the couple.
"Who's pregnant?" Jean jokes. Ymir snickers.
"No one but if it was someone then it would be her," Ymir answers. Historia nudges her before speaking.
"We finally decided on our vacation spot for our anniversary," Historia announces. The group groans, no longer excited from the news. I chuckle.
"Where is it?" I ask her. She looks at me with a warm smile before answering.
"The Maldives! We're gonna be in one of those things in the water. I already booked the flights and everything," Historia tells us. I smiled.
"How pretty! Have fun. When are you guys going?" I ask. They sit down.
"In a couple of weeks. I'm counting down the days. I even made Ymir get an emergency passport for it," Hissy tells me. I chuckle.
"Who doesn't have a passport nowadays?" Mikasa asks. I cleared my throat before looking at her.
"I don't," I reply. She looks at me.
"Really? You've never traveled outside of the country?" She asks. I chuckle before shaking my head.
"Nope. I visited my Grandma in Florida once. Dad's mom. But that's the farthest I've traveled," I tell her. She chuckles.
"Seems like someone needs to fly you out then," Mikasa suggests, obviously indicating Eren. I snicker before nudging her.
"Hey. We're still on for that dinner, right?" I hear Jean speak to me. I looked at him before looking at Sasha, who gave me a small smile. I nod.
"Yeah. Sash?" I ask her. She nods.
"Of course. You know I'd never miss out on the chance to eat for free," Sasha confirms. I chuckle. I feel my phone vibrate. I smiled to myself because I know Eren texted me whilst hearing the plans from across the table. He sat just about two people over.
eren :p
eren :p
wdym ur going out with jean?
y/n
AND sasha btw
yeah he invited me and sash
awhile back
eren :p
hm...
can i come then?
y/n
it's tonight
arent u and armin gonna do smth?
eren :p
i'll cancel idc
y/n
shut up it'll be fine
jealous
eren :p
maybe i am
come over after then
y/n
i have hw
and you'll distract me so no
eren :p
what happened to science and math?
someone else tutoring u?
u haven't asked for help...
y/n
LOLL no one's tutoring me idiot
maybe i'm just getting the hang of things
thanks to u btw <3
eren :p
ur cute
have a good dinner then
don't wear anything too cute
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Tonight was the dinner with Jean and Sasha and I got ready for it since it was a fancy restaurant. It was also Jean's parent's restaurant so I didn't want to come off a certain way. I wasn't worried about how I'd look. Especially since I'm with Sasha as well. But I don't want to underdress either.
But I texted Sasha and she said she was wearing jeans so I wore a casual outfit as well. I stepped out of my room with my bag and a jacket on before going into the living room and giving Mikasa a kiss on the forehead as she studied.
"Oh shit. I forgot about that dinner. Jean and Sasha, right?" Mikasa asks. I nod.
"Yeah. I'm finally driving myself there with my own car. Go me!" I over-excitedly told her. She laughed as I walked to the door.
"Bring me some leftovers! Bye!" She tells me before I close the door and lock it.
I go down the stairs and head to the parking lot before unlocking my car and turning it on. I was surprised it turned on since it had been awhile since I used it. Eren usually drives me around now that I think about it.
I adjust to my car again before putting my seatbelt on and driving out of the parking lot. I look at the address sent to me before putting it on the GPS and driving in the direction.
Once I got there, I parked the car and turned it off before getting out. I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder before going inside. I approach the front desk and smile at the man. He smiles back at me.
"Uh...I think there's a reservation for Kirstein?" I ask, unsure. He looks at me, a little thrown off.
"Kirstein...? As in Mr and Mrs. Kirstein?" he asks. I swallow.
"What? No. Jean Kirstein. Their...Son?" I question. He still looks thrown off. I sigh before calling Jean.
"Hey. Are you here?" He asks.
"Yeah but he seems a little confused. Can you come get me?" I ask.
"Yeah. I'll be there. Stay put." He hangs up. I look at the man.
"He's coming to get me so don't worry," I tell him. He nods. A couple of moments later, Jean comes from around a corner after laughing with an employee. He approaches me and hugs me.
"Hey. You made it," He kindly tells me. I smile at him with a nod.
"Yeah. Nice restaurant. I'm sure Sasha is expecting the best," I half-joke. He chuckles before looking at the man. The man nods at him.
"If you see this face, just let her sit at the best table. And it's on the house. Y/n L/n," He informs the man. The man types things in before nodding to confirm. I chuckled as I followed Jean to the table.
"You didn't have to do that," I tell him. He shrugs his shoulders.
"I wanted to. No big deal. Not like they're losing money," Jean replies. I smile as Jean pulls a chair for me to sit. I sit down as he pushes the chair in. He sits across from me. I look at the table before looking at him.
"Where's Sash?" I ask curiously.
"You didn't get her text? I thought you were being funny up front," He tells me. I look at my phone and see a text from Sasha, five minutes ago.
Sash :3
Sash :3
i can't make it!! so last minute i know...
but my bf and i planned something
i totally forgot...>.<
text me a review tho!!!
I sighed before putting my phone back down. This was definitely planned. I was a little irritated that I was tricked into a makeshift date with Jean. I wanted to confront him and tell him that if he had to trick me to be here, then does it really mean that he should pursue me?
But I didn't want to be rude. I want to protect his feelings since he's a friend but...That's all he is. I'm not gonna treat this like a date. And I'll definitely say something if he starts treating it like one.
"I just saw. Damn. She'd like the food I bet. I should've brought Mikasa," I tell him, creating a wedge. He chuckles.
"Yeah. It's cool though. At least you're here," He replies. I huff before giving him a smile. The waitress approaches us with a warm smile.
"Welcome. Can I get you two started with anything to drink?" She asks. I opened my mouth to speak but Jean spoke instead.
"I'll have Pinot Greige. Any kind. She'll have the same," Jean orders for me. My eyebrows creased before looking at him. I looked back at her.
"Actually. I don't want that. I'd like some Pinot Noir instead. Any kind. Thanks," I interrupt. She nods before walking away. I look at Jean with a displeased face. He chuckles.
"It's a habit. I'm sorry. I don't wanna make it seem like I knew what you liked. But also, who doesn't like white wine?" He rhetorically asks. I scoff.
"...Me. I don't like white wine," I answer straightforwardly. He smiles awkwardly before shaking his head.
"Let's start over. I didn't mean to come off like that," He tells me. I nod.
"It's fine. Just don't order my food next," I tell him. He chuckles. I look at the menu before looking around at the establishment. Low music played as older couples spoke amongst themselves. I sigh.
"So, how's your art going? Any muses?" I spark conversation. He looks back up from his menu and smiles. He nods.
"Yeah, actually. My muse is a bit creepy but lately I've been into realism. One of my weakest styles but I think I've been getting better at it," He explains. I chuckle.
"Creepy? What's your muse?" I ask. He chuckles nervously before shaking his head.
"Nah...It's nothing. It's a good thing football is out of my way though. I hate that it's so time consuming. Annoying..." He trails off as the waitress gives us our glasses. I thank her before swigging my wine and taking a sip. I nod with approval before putting my glass back down.
"More time to order food?" She asks. I look at Jean to see what he'd want to do. He shakes his head.
"I think we're ready. I'll have the tomato braised chicken please," He tells her. She nods, writing it down before looking at me.
"Can I just get a sirloin? Well done, please. And a side of mashed potatoes if you can," I tell her. She nods.
"Alright. It should be out as soon as possible. Are the wines good?" She asks. We nod. She walks away with a small smile. I look back at Jean before taking another sip of my wine.
"Can I ask you something?" I ask him. He tenses up at inquisition.
"Yeah, shoot," He tells me.
"Do you like football? I mean, do you like doing it?" I ask him. He watches me with a bit of a blank stare for a moment before blinking.
"...Do I enjoy it? Is that what you're asking?" He clarifies. I nod. He clears his throat, taking another sip of wine. He places the glass back down and swigs it on the table with the stem. He watched the wine spin around in his glass before looking back at me.
"Does it look...Like I don't?" He avoids the question with another question. I shrug my shoulders.
"Well, when I first met you, you were...Not too excited about football season coming up. I mean, you held the facade but it just...Seemed a little empty. So I always wondered if you like your art better than football. Do you?" I ask. He watches me for a moment before swallowing. I watched him with a neutral expression.
"If I'm honest then I'll have to kill you," He jokes. I chuckle, taking another sip of my wine.
"I think that answers my question. Why do you do it then?" I ask him further. He sighs, leaning back in his chair before shrugging his shoulders.
"I think...There's this image that my parents expect of me. They want me to hold myself up with a career that's guaranteed to me. Art to them isn't...Realistic. It doesn't last. It won't pay me. I had to give them an arm and a leg just for them to let me major in arts. Crazy..." He explains. I nod, understanding and listening.
"Ah...'This isn't my dream, it's your dream'. Classic," I reply. He chuckles.
"Seems like it, right? It's more than just a movie troupe though. And it sucks in real life. I wish that when I make it big as an artist, that my parents apologize to me and tell me that they underestimated me. A happy movie ending," He tells me. I take a sip of my wine.
"You don't think they'll come around?" I ask. He sighs before scoffing.
"I highly doubt it. They're businessmen. They believe that hard work gets you success and comfort. Not creativity. Especially if it's all you want to do. They think I'm being lazy. That I'm looking for an easy way out." I nod.
"Well...It's definitely easier than business or football but..."
"But it's harder to stand out. Therefore it's harder to be successful. I agree. You have to be so extraordinary that you can't be ignored." He looks out of the window next to us before shrugging his shoulders again.
"Maybe that's why I play football. Maybe I'm not as special as I think I am. It happens a lot. Being a hungry artist is hard," He finishes. I take another sip, watching him. He looks back at me before taking a sip of his drink.
"You're surely honest with yourself," I comment. He chuckles.
"Well, when I hear it in my head, it's my dad, so..." He trails off, joking. I chuckle.
"But I like what I do and I'm proud of it. That's why I'm majoring in arts. What about you? Why are you doing psych?" He asks with another sip of wine. I sigh before crossing my arms.
"I'm good at hearing people out and helping them. I think of myself as a good middleman. Figured that being a therapist would be a good fit for me," I explain. He chuckles.
"You're definitely good at being neutral. Sometimes, I can't tell what you're thinking. Maybe that's a good thing for a therapist," He replies. I chuckle.
"I try. I'm taking some general ed classes right now so Junior and senior year are gonna beat my ass," I comment. He laughs.
"Yeah. Good luck," He tells me. I nodded before the food arrived. She placed our dishes in front of us and told us to enjoy ourselves before walking away.
I grab a fork and a knife before cutting into the meat. I take a piece before putting it in my mouth and eating it. I chew for a moment before swallowing. I nod, looking at Jean.
"It's good. I like it," I tell him before taking a sip of wine to wash it down. He smiles.
"I'll make sure to compliment the chef for you," He replies. I huff focusing on my food. He takes a sip of wine before looking at me.
"Is it my turn to ask an oddly deep question?" He half-jokes. I chuckle before looking at him.
"Is it? It depends on what you're asking. I'm not much of an open book," I forewarn him. He nods with a small smile.
"I see. So you're ready to shut me down if I cross the line in the sand."
"More than ready. Go ahead though." He clears his throat.
"How did you feel about Colt getting his ass beat for like...The fifth time? I mean, isn't this someone you have history with? What made you so heartless?" My eyebrows raised at his phrasing.
"Is this you asking this question in defense of Colt or me? A bit of a blurred line there..." I tell him. He shakes his head.
"Phrased it wrong. Sorry. What I meant was...How can you allow yourself to let someone like that go? Before he turned psycho, you guys had good memories, right? So what makes you not miss it?" He rephrases the question. I nod before taking another sip.
I sat on the question and pondered. I hadn't felt like I processed my feelings towards Colt completely enough to answer it articulately. I sigh.
"I can't really answer that with full clarity. I haven't thought about it enough. We had good memories, sure. But there was never something so monumental that made me overlook everything else. Some women stay with their boyfriends or husbands because there's something tying them to him. Or there's something to weigh out; Lack of options. Or maybe just because. I guess I just never felt that way with Colt. It was always easy for me because I never loved him," I reply. Jean nods, a bit thrown off by my answer.
"You...Didn't love him? Not in love at all?" He clarifies. I chuckle, eating some of my mashed potatoes before answering.
"Nah. I have love for him, for sure. In love? No," I answer. He nods.
"Seems like it's hard for you to love someone," He infers. I huff.
"Maybe."
He looks at me, a little nervous. Maybe it's the look of denial.
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Jean and I stepped outside of the restaurant after our meal and he walked me to my car. I purse my lips to form a smile before waiting on him to leave.
"Well, despite Sasha not being here, I had a good time. Thank you for coming out with me. I appreciate it," He tells me. I nod.
"Of course. That's what friends are for. And thanks for letting me take this back to Mika too." I lift the bag of leftovers. He chuckles.
"It's no problem. I hope she enjoys it too," He replies. I unlock my car and put the bag on the passenger's side before looking at Jean again.
He watches me for a moment before fluttering his eyes to my lips. I looked at him mildly confused before he attempted to lean in and kiss me. I backed away, rejecting his kiss. He backs up.
"Jean–" He approaches me again, grabbing my wrist and trying to lean back in. I pull harshly and push him back.
"Jean, fucking stop." I put my foot down.
"I didn't even mean to do that..." He tries to lie.
"I already told you that I see you as a friend. Was Sasha opting out last minute all a part of the plan?" I ask him abrasively. He sighs before looking down at his feet, a little embarrassed.
"Well...Yeah. But I don't think you would've come if it was just me."
"I wouldn't have. You're right. Because I never want to give you the wrong idea or mislead you. And then you almost force me to kiss you? Are you insane? Why are you doing it to yourself?" I ask him, angry. He looks at me, a little guilty.
"I'm sorry...You're right. I know how you feel and I definitely felt like I could persist if I tried hard enough. Wrong of me, my bad. But I just...I can't shake it off Y/n. This feeling about you–"
"Okay. Stop. Jean...How I feel before and after this dinner is the exact same. Actually, it's probably worse now. I don't like the fact that you tricked me into going on an imaginary date with you because you feel like my no isn't a good enough answer for you, and I definitely didn't like you forcing yourself on me like a fucking maniac. Do you not respect my answer enough to abide by it?" I ask.
"That's not it–"
"It seems like it. Did you think I would fall in love with you because you tricked me into a date? I already told you Jean. It's a no for me. I didn't want to be tough about it but it seems like my nicer rejection wasn't enough so I'll put it in big, bold letters for you: I don't fucking like you like that. Stop trying to pursue me. Stop taking me on makeshift dates. And don't ever in your fucking life force a kiss onto me. Thanks for the food. Goodnight," I tell him angrily before getting in my car and driving back home.
Once I made it back home, I groaned at my entrance. Mikasa peeked from the couch and saw a bag of leftovers before beaming a smile at me. I take my shoes off before approaching her and giving her the bag.
She opens it and takes food out before digging in and eating whatever she could. I sat adjacent to her on the smaller couch and she glanced before stopping.
"What happened?" She asks as if she already knew something went wrong. I sigh before leaning back on the couch and practically sinking into it.
"Sasha didn't show up to the dinner on purpose because Jean wanted to get me alone for a date. He tried to force a fucking kiss on me at the end and I obviously rejected it and now I think I hurt his feelings by being a fucking bitch but he deserved and I'm–"
"Calm down. Let's take a breath in between our words before you start again, okay?" Mikasa teases me. I sigh before taking a deep breath. I look at her.
"...I was angry that he didn't respect my rejection enough to just fucking listen. And then he grabbed me to kiss me after I backed away once already. And now I hurt his feelings and shot him down again and it's no one's fault but mine in his head. I got tricked. It felt irritating from the jump. Of course I was nice and engaged in conversation but as a friend. Because apparently everyone knew it was a date but me," I finish with a calmer tone.
Mikasa nodded before responding.
"That's fucking annoying. And you sat through that? You're better than me. I'm glad you told him off...You did tell him off, right?" She asks for confirmation. I scoffed before nodding.
"Yeah, I did. After he tried to kiss me. Maybe I was dumb for thinking that he just wanted to have dinner with a friend. I never took Jean for someone who pushed the limits. Weird..." I comment. Mikasa swallowed her food before speaking.
"I'm sorry that happened. You gonna tell Eren?" She asks.
"Do I have to?"
"I dunno. Maybe? I have no idea what the rule is when the dude you're hooking up with has a friend that you also have that tried to forcefully kiss you and tricked you into a date. Just tell him to clear the air.
Knowing Eren, he'd either get mad because Jean didn't physically respect you and try to beat his ass, or he'd ask about it anyway because he was jealous from the jump but then find out what he did and beat Jean's ass," She tells me. I scoff, barely finding humor in it.
"The second one sounds a bit more accurate. I'll just wait until I talk to him again. I'm sure he'll ask," I reply before standing up.
"I'm gonna shower and head to bed. See you tomorrow," I tell her.
"Yeah. Thanks for the food. And I'm sorry again. Talk to me if you want," She tells me from the living room in which she hasn't moved from.
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We sat together in the coffee shop, casually speaking amongst ourselves as we drank from our cups. Eren and Armin stepped in, laughing about a previous topic. They sat beside Mikasa and I and Eren looked at us before finally settling his eyes on me.
He poked the side of my stomach and I flinched from the ticklish feeling. I chuckled before looking at him.
"How was the dinner?" Was the first thing he asked me. I thought about Mikasa's hypothesis being correct. I sighed before shaking my head. I opened my mouth to speak but Jean and Connie walked in with Sasha. I glanced at them before answering.
"It was fine." I keep it short for the sake of Jean being here. Eren's eyebrows creased slightly before turning and seeing the boys and Sasha's entrance.
"What are we talking about?" Connie asks the group.
"They just got here so nothing much. Y/n and I were just talking about Spring break. We should go kayaking!" Mikasa suggested another idea to me. I chuckled with a nod.
"We used to kayak all the time when we were kids. I can't remember the last time we did it," Eren adds. Armin nods.
"You think we can do a race? How many kayaks do you have, Eren?" Connie asks him. Eren shrugs his shoulders.
"We got enough for a race. We should pick our teams now," Eren jokes. We chuckled.
"Y/n, how was the dinner? Sorry I couldn't make it!" Sasha asks me from another area of the table. I sighed as Eren looked at me with slight confusion. Jean looked a bit uncomfortable.
I shrugged my shoulders.
"It was alright." I keep it short. Sasha looks at Jean with a small smile before looking back at me.
"Just alright?" She probes. I nod.
"Just alright."
"Jean? How was it?" She asks Jean. Eren watches Jean.
"Yeah, Jean. How was it?" He asks Jean. Jean swallows uncomfortably before standing up and walking away. The group looks at him leaving before looking at me. Eren turned back and looked at me.
"Did I say something wrong–"
"Jesus. Yes, Sasha. Just stop asking stupid fucking questions," I interrupt her before standing up and walking away, out of the shop. I take a deep breath before turning the corner and sitting on a nearby bench.
A couple of moments later, I see Eren and Mikasa pop out from the corner. Mikasa stood back, watching from afar, before Eren approached me at the bench. He slowly sat down next to me, watching me carefully and keeping a comfortable distance. I sighed, glancing at him.
"...You okay? What's going on?" He asks me calmly. I cleared my throat before looking out ahead. I turn and look at Mikasa from afar before looking back at Eren.
"Why is she over there?" I ask him first, ignoring his question. He glanced back at Mikasa before looking back at me.
"Just a cover so it didn't seem too off that I was the only one seeing you," He answers, still searching for an answer from me. I sighed again before leaning back on the bench. I closed my eyes to take another deep breath. I shrugged my shoulders.
"I don't think what I say is that hard to follow, right?" I ask him. He looks at me confused.
"What do you mean?" He asks curiously. I shake my head.
"Did I do something to anyone for anyone to not respect me?" I ask aloud. Eren's eyebrows creased with further confusion.
"Wh–....Did Jean do something to you? Is that what it is? What happened?" He asks me. I sigh again before looking down at my feet as I sat. I take a couple of deep breaths before speaking again.
"I just...I don't want anyone to touch me right now. First it's Colt with the...Shit. Now it's Jean–"
"Did Jean hit you?" Eren asks, a bit freaked out. I shake my head.
"No. No." I sighed, reassuring him.
"He just...He tricked me into a date with him and then tried to force a kiss on me at the end of it and I'm just...I'm really fucking tired of me feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. It's tiring. I don't wanna talk about it," I finish.
Eren watched me with concern. He didn't really know what to say. He was puzzled by my tangent. I was too.
"...What do you want to do?" He asks me, his voice calm and attentive. I keep my eyes shut.
"I'm going home." I stand up. Eren stands up after me, reaching for me. I backed away.
"No. I don't want anyone to touch me right now...Just...I'm going home," I tell him before walking ahead to my car. Mikasa follows closely behind me.
"Y/n–"
"Please, Mika..." I plead. She watches me, concerned for a moment before nodding, allowing me to leave. I want to go home.
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[play: (dream)- salvia palth]
I laid in bed and just stared off at the wall in front of me. I didn't feel like talking or crying or screaming. I think this is all sudden. And maybe something triggered it. I'm usually very good at keeping my emotions in check.
Moreso, I don't talk about what's affecting me too much. I try not to. I don't like to harp because if I did then I don't think I'd be having the best time right now.
With what's continuously happening with Colt and then Jean doing that dirty trick on me...It just...I hate to admit that it affects me.
I had this thought in my head that this was something I had to talk about but I didn't want to find the time to talk about it. It's like a pile of laundry on your desk chair. You look at it and you know you have to tend to it.
Yet, it feels like an impossible task. You almost become accustomed to the elephant in the room.
And maybe what Jean did was miniscule compared to what Colt did. Obviously it is. But I can't help but feel the same way. I was timid, nervous, and not willing to give in to the persistence of a man. It felt too similar. And I also hate to admit this because Jean's a friend. He's everyone's friend.
It just sent me into a deep reflection. Maybe I am allowed to be affected by something someone has done to me. Call me dramatic, I don't care.
I don't like the way Jean behaved last night. It made me uncomfortable. That was the fact of it. And he fucked up. Not me. The repercussions fall on me though. That's not fair.
It makes me feel dirty at the touch. I felt like I wasn't seeing something that they clearly were. What was it about me that provokes a man to push my boundaries? Why is this happening more than once for it to be a coincidence?
These were questions that circled my thoughts as I stared and stared at the plain white wall. I felt like my eyes were peeling like layers with how intensely I stared at nothing. So much so that it turns into something.
There is nothing but guilt in my mind. I had to have done something wrong. I was going back and forth with myself about this. It's my fault. It's not. It is. It isn't.
I hear the door open and shut with silence that followed. I hear Mikasa's light footsteps approach my room door. She knocked gently before letting herself in. She went to the side of my bed I was facing before sitting on the floor, looking at me.
She didn't touch me.
"Hey...You wanna talk about it?" She asks. My eyes that were once glued to the wall, finally see a new view of Mikasa's concerned face. I blinked for what felt like the first time in forever. I kept a neutral expression.
"If I knew this whole thing about the dinner was a bigger deal in your head then I would've taken it more seriously. I'm sorry. Talk to me. Tell me what's on your mind," She continues. I watch her for a moment more before looking back at the wall, not wanting to speak.
I didn't want to talk about it. I just wish she knew what I was thinking. Then I don't have to unpack it myself.
She sighed. An attempt was made. She watched me.
"...I don't know if you care but Eren's worried like crazy. He wanted to confront Jean but I told him to back off a bit and let you breathe. If you won't talk to me, will you talk to Eren? Armin even? Who do you need right now?" She asks me.
My eyebrows twitched into a crease as I stared ahead. I look at Mikasa again.
"I need to be alone." I answer quietly before sitting up. She stands up with me and watches me as I get off of my bed and grab my towel. I go into the bathroom and lock the door.
I place my towel within arms reach from the bathtub before turning the hot water on. I let the water run over my hand before turning the shower head on.
I take my clothes off slowly and patiently before getting in with no pause or second thought. I doused my body in water so hot that steam immediately emitted from the shower curtains and into the rest of the bathroom.
I closed my eyes as I rinsed my face with the hot water, allowing myself to feel the slight sting of the water. I rubbed my arms to ensure that they were wet as well.
I turned around, facing away from the running water, before squatting and hugging my knees, burying my face into my body. I let the water roll off my back and go down the drain as I closed my eyes, allowing myself to disappear.
While I sulked, I thought about the two types of men I have encountered. And it's a funny thing because it seems to always be my fault.
Colt was painted as the one that never got what he deserved. He gave too much of himself and at what cost? He deserves it all. All of me. All of my loyalty and attention. I mean, c'mon... Five years and I gave him no commitment? Insane to think about. I guess the concept is foreign.
So nonetheless, of course he went crazy. Yes, he lost it a little. But that was because I didn't give him enough. I should've. That's my fault. He started to threaten me and put his hands on me because I pushed him there. For this, I'm sorry.
And Jean has always had a thing for me. I should've known when he gave me a portrait for my birthday. Guys aren't nice like that without something in return. And how he wanted to match costumes with me for Halloween. I should've said yes.
Or his compliments. I should've known he was into me. And I should've helped him out and gave him a hint. Because it's not possible for me to not view him in the way I currently do. I was too harsh when I turned him down the first time.
This made him go on a makeshift date with me and trick me into going out with him. And he leaned in for that kiss because of course, I stayed around long enough to give him the idea that I wanted it. I asked for it.
And then I reject him, again, and the look on his face was bummed out. I could tell. And the conversation of the dinner made him so uncomfortable that he had to get up and walk away. Poor Jean. I turned him down again and he couldn't bear to look at me.
Makes me wonder if he's actually a guy with good intentions. He didn't mean to trick me into going out with him for dinner. He didn't mean to lean in and try to kiss me or order my drinks and food for me. It was all a mistake.
And it's killing him that I can't forgive him as easily as he thinks I should've since he played this role of Mr. Nice guy. So... I'm the bad guy here. He can't bear to look at me. This makes sense. I led him on completely. Entirely. I'm sorry for this too.
I guess the overall theme here is: I should've known. And it was dumb of me to think I could let my guard down even a little bit.
The real question is; Would I be able to forgive Jean? What's the issue there? Why is it such a big deal?
While I am upset with Jean for very obvious reasons, I don't think the biggest issue lies with him. I think that's obvious. Maybe I'd be able to forgive Jean if he just fucking stops trying to pursue me. It's creepy and annoying.
But he can't help how he's feeling. So if he stopped doing all of the shit I want him to stop doing, he's probably still not going to be over me. That's something I would respect had it been that way.
Things aren't always that simple.
As a woman, there seems to be some guilt built into me for standing up for myself. And even more guilt for the aftermath of it.
It's mentally exhausting. And more straining than I thought. What do I do with this guilt? It's almost misplaced. No, it is. Why am I feeling this way? An act of betrayal to oneself. Guilt for something that isn't your fault.
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Days have passed and I haven't been sticking around after classes. I wanted to go straight home and give no one the chance to speak to me about anything I didn't want to talk about.
I was starting to get used to this cycle. This new routine could be good. My grades were slipping a bit but now I'm in a much better place.
I worked at my desk diligently as I listened to music on my headphones, distracted with focus to care about who knocks at my door or barges into my room. I don't care.
I rocked my head to the music lightly before I saw the door open slowly. I turn and see Mikasa coming in cautiously. She gives me a warm smile before placing a bowl of fruit down for me to eat. I purse my lips before nodding.
"Thank you," I told her as I had one earbud off. She nodded before approaching me a little more slowly. She held her hand out for me to grab. I look at it for a moment before placing my hand on her palm. She holds it tightly and tenderly.
She watched me with attentiveness before speaking.
"...Are you doing okay? You eating? Drinking water?" She asks me with some concern and care in her voice. I nod.
"Yeah. Eating and drinking water," I answer. She nods slowly before glancing at my desk. She looks back at me with a deep breath.
"Eren asked for you again. Do you want to see him anytime soon?" She asks me. I sniffle from the chilliness in the room.
"He never had no access to me. He can come see me if he wants," I answer, not too distinctive. She nods.
"I just assumed you needed space from chaos. I know Eren could be a little...Stressful," She pokes fun at him. I huff.
"Thank you for looking out for me. Eren's fine. I'm not upset with him. I needed space from everyone. That's all," I explained. She nodded before letting go of my hand and sitting on the edge of my bed, watching me.
"...You think you're ready to talk about it? What's affecting you so much?" She asks me suddenly. I could tell this took her a lot of courage to even ask me something like that so I won't react in a way where she feels like she took three steps back. I sigh.
"What do you wanna know?" I ask her. She shrugs her shoulders.
"Whatever you want to tell me. Everything if you feel like it. I just want to help," She answers honestly. I look over my shoulder and watch her concerned face. She cared so much about me that I felt like I should at least be able to speak to her.
Not like I owe her my thoughts. But I feel like I should anyway. She deserves to know what's going on in my head more than anyone. My best friend. Mika.
"It's a long story. Very long story. Lots of pit stops to make too," I joke. She huffs with a smile, looking at me adoringly before nodding.
"I got all day. Come to the living room when you're done. I miss you," She tells me before kissing the top of my head. She walks out of my room and I look back at my messy desk where the bowl of fruit stood untouched.
I watched the water drip down the cut fruit before grabbing a piece of watermelon and popping it in my mouth. Now to finish this equation...
After being satisfied with the amount of work I've done, I sigh before taking a step out into the living room, where I see Mikasa watching TV. She glances at me with a smile before turning her undivided attention on me.
I approach the couches before sitting right next to her. She moves her blanket to put it over me, draping the both of us in the same blanket. I huffed before taking a deep breath.
"Alright. I'll tell you where it started with Colt," I say almost admittedly. Mikasa watches me, no expression on her face but attentiveness.
Here goes nothing.
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A/N: I'm back! and i know this is a small chapter but I have so much to upload and much more to write so please stay tuned! And thank you for being here for me while I went on my little hiatus LOLLL! Next chapter is...Phew!-ian :3