To me, you’ll always be eighteen and beautiful. And dancing away with my heart.
-Lady Antebellum, Dancing away with my heart
“You look tired.” Evan commented.
I nodded and rested my head on his lap. “It’s been a long day.” That was the understatement of the century. Today was the most exhausting day I’d ever had to endure. I was basically glued to Evan’s side, but I also had to juggle speaking to my friends, especially with the new ring on my finger, my dad and Brendon since my dad still wasn’t convinced that I was one hundred percent okay. And then I had to make sure that I kept my distance from Jason and Laura to ignore the bubbling pool of guilt in the pit of my stomach. Emily wanted to play before dinner and Evan’s dad was adamant about meeting me- much to my disappointment. We’d shared an awkward conversation that I kept as short as possible. I’d been torn in so many directions during the day.
And at nine, everyone was sent home. Everybody left with hugs goodbye as they left, Emily, Evan’s dad, Kyle and his mom- who hadn’t come into the hospital- were all staying at Evan’s house- I can’t imagine how crowded that must have been.
But with me refusing to leave, the nurses finally appeased and allowed me to stay with Evan.
“If you’re so tired, then sleep. I know it’s been a pretty tough 24 hours.” Evan mumbled.
“To say the least.” I snorted, sitting down in the uncomfortable chair beside the bed with my hand in his. “Wake me up if you need me, Evan. I mean it.” I told him.
He smiled at me before pulling my hand so that I leaned closer to him and he placed his lips on mine. “You’re worrying too much.”
“I don’t want you to be in pain.” I said.
“I have a gaping hole through my chest, Princess. Pain is kind of inevitable.” He told me with a small smile.
“Damn it, Evan.” I snapped irritatedly. “This isn’t funny.”
“I know.” Evan sighed with an “I’m sorry” look in his eyes. “But being serious about it isn’t going to make it any better.”
“I wish it was me instead of you.” I whispered weakly.
“Well, it’s not.” Evan snapped harshly. “And I’m glad that it was me, I don’t regret jumping in front of that bullet, baby, I’d do it a hundred times over to save you.”
“You should have let him shoot me.” I croaked in a shaky whisper as my limbs started to shake with guilt.
“No, Maggie. I shouldn’t have.” He told me. “Let’s just go to sleep, okay?”
I sighed heavily and nodded. “Okay, fine.” I didn’t want to upset Evan, so I rested my head and closed my eyes, keeping my hand tightly in his. “I love you, Evan.”
“I love you too, Princess.” He mumbled. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” I whispered, quickly drifting off into sleep.
I was quickly woken what felt like minutes later to the sound of whispered mumbling. My eyes tiredly fluttered open to a nearly pitch black room, the only light coming from the hallway. I remained still until I realized that Evan’s hand was no longer encasing mine, leaving it cold. More alert now, I looked up on the bed where Evan was resting, but he wasn’t asleep. And what I saw in that moment changed everything I thought about anything, it made me see Evan in a whole new light, it made my heart constrict with pain and agony.
Evan was crying.
I’d never seen him cry before. For a while, I didn’t move, as much as it pained me. I figured that he waited for me to go to sleep because he didn’t want me to see him cry, and I didn’t want to ruin his small window of privacy, so I remained still and silent. But the look of fear and pain on his face was more than I’d ever seen on one person and it would have brought me to my knees if I was standing.
After maybe five minutes of listening to his quiet sniffles and watching the tiny glistening rivers flow down his smooth skin, I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t just sit there and watch as my poor Evan was breaking down.
Slowly, I stood up in hopes that I could kiss away his pain. Maybe if I just held him close enough, he’d feel better. Maybe I could be enough for him.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed as Evan frantically wiped away the tears that were pouring down his face as he saw that I was awake.
“Nothing’s wrong, baby.” Evan mumbled, but his voice held the truth- it was weak and shaky and his eyes were still so scared.
“Evan.” I rasped, pulling him into a tight hug. “It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be afraid.” I assured him with a kiss to the forehead. “I’m scared too.”
“I don’t want to worry you.” He admitted, scooting over, but wincing in the process, and pulling my arm so that I could lay down with him. “Lay with me.” When he saw my look of unease, he pulled again on my arm. “You won’t hurt me, I promise. Please lay with me.”
I nodded and, as carefully as I possibly could, I laid down beside Evan on the crammed hospital bed and laid my head on his shoulder. “Don’t worry about me.” I told him. “You’re scared, I get it. You don’t have to be scared alone.”
“It just really sucks.” He mumbled, holding me tightly to him. I could still hear the tremble in his voice and I had to bite my tongue not to join him in the water works- I had to stay strong, especially right now. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and right when everything was going right- I’m not going to be here to enjoy it. Three months ago, I would have been almost okay with dying but now- now that I have you, I don’t want to leave.”
“You’re not going anywhere.” I whispered to him. “You can’t, it’s not fair.”
“Maybe not, but it’s going to happen, Princess. The doctor said that the oxygen isn’t working and going into the surgery next week, there’s only a 25% chance of me making it out of there alive.”
“But I don’t want you to go.” I whimpered, now my voice trembling a little bit.
“No matter what, I can promise you that whatever happens, I’ll never leave you. I’ve promised you that a billion times and I’m not breaking that promise. They can kill me a hundred times over and I’m still going to be by your side. Just, not physically.”
“You can’t give up hope, Evan.” I told him sternly. “It’s okay to be afraid and it’s okay to cry about what might happen but it’s just not okay to give up.”
“I’m not.” He defended, running his fingers through my hair as we laid in the darkness, whispering to each other. “I still have hope, but we can’t just ignore the obvious that I’m probably not going to live through this. I don’t want you to worry about me, though, okay? I’ll be okay. I’m okay.”
“I don’t believe that.” I told him honestly. “I really wish that you were, though. I wish that everything was back to normal, I just want this all to go away.”
“I know, baby.” Evan whispered beside me. “I know. God, I hate the idea of anyone else having you.”
“That’ll never happen.” I told him stubbornly, pulling myself closer to him, telling myself that maybe- just maybe- if I hugged him strong enough, if I loved him hard enough, that he’d be okay. Maybe if somebody could see how much Evan means to me, then they’d save him. Maybe if I was good enough, he could get past this. But I’m not God, I’m no hero and as much as I love Evan- as much as it tears me apart to see him like this, battling with a 25% chance to live, I can’t do a damn thing about it. “I’ll never love anybody else as much as I love you.”
“Yes you will.” Evan said, continuing to run his fingers through my hair. “I know you might not believe it now, but someday, you’ll move on. I want you to move on, Princess. You can’t just live in the past for your whole life, no matter how tempting it is, it’ll only bring you pain. I want you to go out and be happy again and to find somebody who treats you like a princess, because you are. You are a princess so you find somebody that treats you like it, like you deserve.”
By the end of his speech, tears were prickling my eyes and by the sound of his voice, I think Evan was crying again. I didn’t want him to cry, but I wasn’t strong enough to kiss away his tears. I was weak and I couldn’t stand that. I hated myself for that.
“I want to be happy with you.” I rasped.
“I know.” Evan croaked as one of his hands moved down my arm and started playing with the beloved ring that was still wrapped around my ring finger. “Me too.”
“I’m still going to marry you.” I promised him. “I don’t care if it’s tomorrow or in five years, I’m going to do it.”
“Maggie, you have to promise me something.” Evan said.
“What?” I asked him, interlocking our hands gingerly. “Anything, Evan.”
“Listen to me, okay?” He asked and I nodded quickly. “We are our own fairytale. This isn’t Cinderella, we may not get our happy ending, and this isn’t Romeo and Juliet, we may not get the tragedy- and you sure as hell aren’t going to kill yourself over me- anyway, we made our own fairytale. And I believe that these three months have been the closest to magic this world has ever seen. And I’d do anything to have that back, and maybe we will have it again, but I don’t think so. I really don’t think that this surgery is going to work, Princess. I know that’s not what you want to hear, it’s not what I want to hear either, but I can’t lie to you and I’m not going to try. I want you to promise me that if this really doesn’t work, that you’ll go find yourself somebody else, okay? I want you to find happiness after I’m gone.”
“You’re my happiness.” I whispered with tears running down my cheeks like slick rivers that hung off of my chin desperately before soaking into Evan’s hospital gown below.
“You can change that.” He told me, kissing my forehead. I could feel his tears too, but I really didn’t want him to cry. I didn’t want to see him so scared. Why couldn’t I be strong enough to hug his pain away?
“But I don’t want to.”
“Maggie, promise me.” Evan said with a plea in his voice. “This ring, I told you that it means eternity and I promise you that’s what we are. We’ll be together for eternity, Princess. But in this life, you have to move on and you have to be happy without me physically there. You have to know that I’m still with you.”
“I’ll promise you that.” I cried softly and sniffled before continuing. “If you promise that you’ll marry me before the surgery next week.”
“Maggie,-“
“I know it sounds stupid. Trust me, I know. But like you said, this is our fairytale and we made it ourselves. We had a first date at a diner in the middle of the night, covered in mud. Our first kiss was in the parking lot of a movie theater, soaked from head to toe. Our second date consisted of McDonald’s and a flooded field. There is nothing normal about us, so let’s break another rule.”
“You never seize to amazing me, Maggie Harris.” Evan whispered to me with another kiss on my forehead.
“So do we have an agreement?” I asked with the slightest of giggles.
“Yes, of course.” Evan told me. “I couldn’t think of any better way to leave than with a ring on my finger, Princess.”
“I don’t think you’re going to go anywhere. And I’m not giving up on you. No matter what everyone else is saying, I’m just not.” I told him honestly. I mean, he was Evan- he was my forever. He can’t leave me, not now. Not ever.
“I love you, Princess.” Evan croaked. “God, I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Evan. Everything will be okay.” I promised him, but as we laid in that bed together and I cried, and I’m sure that he cried too, I wasn’t so sure anymore. And again, I hated myself for having doubt. However, I continued to tell myself that everything will work out. I mean, it has to- he’s my Evan. How can the world expect me to be able to live without him? I just can’t do it. He’ll be just fine.
But there was that little stabbing part of me that was yelling at me that I was wrong- that things won’t actually be okay.
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I know this one's short, but I legit cried while writing this- and I never cry.
Okay, first thing I need to say is that this song (Clouds by Zach Sobiech) is one of my favoritest songs ever, and the story behind it is so sad, too.
The second thing is that I'm on spring break right now- woot woot!- and I want to finish this story by the end of spring break, which ends April 2nd. And since there's six more chapters left, I'm going to be uploading more often and out of schedule, just a heads up (: