Hide and seek By ashlynpy
Reviewer: RavingBlack
PLOT
Is there a clear goal/direction?
Since this is a romance novel, the plot of the novel is supposed to track the relationship of the two leads with their eventual romantic relationship being the end goal of the plot. In this respect, it seems clear enough that Daphne and Andrej being together are the end goal of the plot. The way that they will get together will happen over the course of the game, so the plot direction is clear, but I think that defining the cult game a little more clearly will help readers understand more.
Is it connected to the characters?
My definition for a plot being connected to a character is for that character's desires and fears to be tied in the events of the plot. By pursuing the plot, the character will naturally be pursuing their true desire as well. Please see the character section for a definition of "fears and desires".
I believe it's important to consider and answer these questions in the novel because it not only provides characters a reason to want to pursue the plot but it also provides a reason for readers to be emotionally invested in the plot's actions. Take, for example, Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy wants to marry Elizabeth who he loves, BUT he is afraid to lower himself by marrying below his station. This could be simplified into Darcy desires love BUT fears humbling himself. Darcy has a reason to want to pursue the plot (being with Elizabeth) because he wants love, but he has a fear that sabotages his obtaining the desire (humbling himself). Mr. Darcy is connected to the plot and has clear emotional stakes in the plot, and the readers who are eager to see him overcome his pride to finally unite with Elizabeth, are also emotionally invested in his success.
Since I do not know Daphne or Andrej's desires or fears, I cannot say they are connected to the plot. What does Daphne get if she enters a relationship with Andrej? What is stopping her from doing so? I don't know the answers to these questions for either her or Andrej.
Is the pacing rushed or dragged out?
The pacing is dragged out. The external conflict is progressing at a reasonable pace as they are already at the second round, I assume, but their internal conflict seems stagnant. I fail to see how they have grown very much as characters from the first chapter as opposed to the last chapter. If they had developed, it is unclear or too subtle for me to pick up on. I feel that it would be good to pay more attention to the characters' internal development and make sure that they are progressing at a reasonable pace with the external conflict.
Is the plot compelling to root for?
It is hard to want to know what happens next in the plot because I am confused as to what is happening or has happened in the plot. This is mostly attributed to my confusion toward the exact rules of the game, why it is played, and how they have evaded the law for so long. I don't understand how Andrej is allowed to continue sexually assaulting Daphne (I qualify it as sexual assault, but even if it is not, how would the game organizers know about the assault?). I also don't know why blood or puppy organs are key to the game. Because so many aspects of the game are unexplained or unexplored, this all seems very arbitrary and confusing to follow.
And because a romance would naturally be very dependent on its characters for the plot, the characters' ambiguous motives and personalities also make it difficult to invest in the plot through them.
CHARACTERS
Are characters' desires and fears clear?
A character's desire is what they truly want and is the motivation behind their actions. A character's fear is what they're running from over the whole plot whilst pursuing their desire. It's important to show these so readers can better see how a character will experience development and also make them more interesting.
I do not know Daphne's desires or fears. I understand that she wishes to win the town's game and become queen, but I don't know her emotional desire which drives her to that physical goal. Does she wish to get revenge on Andrej by winning the game? Does she wish to empower herself? It also does not help that I don't know what becoming queen means for her other than survival, so I don't know if winning the game earns her fame, money, or such. She is, to me, very unclear, and I think I would be better able to understand what she does and feels if I could know these things about her.
With Andrej, I can sense that there are things that he desires and fear-and maybe I can guess that he fears the weakness of revealing his love-but I think you could flesh it out more. With a genre like dark romance, the novel depends a lot on the characters' inner psychology to allow readers to understand their actions. This is especially important with such a complicated character as Andrej who seems to torture the girl he loves. Consider what are his desires and fears and outline them clearly to readers. For example, does Andrej desire domination over others and have a fear of having a weakness like love used against him?
Are characteristics shown and not told?
When characterizing your two main leads, you do a mix of both. You show, through Andrej's graphic bullying, assault, and rape, that he is extremely abusive and violent towards Daphne as if he hated her. However, in his internal narrative, he says conflicting things like how he loves, admires, and wishes to protect her. Because demonstrating a character's personality through his actions is more convincing to a reader than simply telling a reader what their personality is, I mostly interpret him as completely abusive and obsessive, and I don't understand how he is protecting or loving her through this behavior, if he is at all.
I understand that you wish to create a deeply complicated character, but I think that it might be better to be more clear how you wish to portray Andrej. I am lost as to how I am meant to interpret him.
With Daphne, she is similarly hard to comprehend. She is often irritable with Andrej when they interact, but she often lets him treat her as he pleases without resenting him for cutting her or raping her in his basement. She also tells us through narration that she loves him and could never refuse him, but I don't think the reason for why is very clear other than Andrej occasionally being sweet to her which I don't think is sufficient for her being so compelled to love him.
Your effort at characterization had just left me confused as to what you really wanted readers to think of the two leads, but I think that what you had intended to portray was lost somewhere. To help with this, I think being much more clear as to how and why they behave will let readers know better what to think of them.
Am I invested in the characters?
No.
I don't know what Daphne or Andrej's deepest desire is, so I do not know why they do what they do or act as they do. I am also confused by how to interpret either of their characters. I suggest fleshing out their psychologies and making them more clear for readers to understand.
ROMANCE
Does the relationship cause change and conflicts within both characters?
You can refer again to the PLOT section for an example of what this means from Pride and Prejudice.
I have some ideas as to how, but it is unclear to me still. I can see that Andrej's apparent love for Daphne seemed to change his behavior completely from assault to affection, but that change does not quite indicate to me character development as a result from his relationship with Daphne. To demonstrate that a character has experienced inner conflict and change, an author needs to first point out what it is about that character that must change for the purpose of the relationship.
In Andrej's case, what was it about him that changed? What is the exact flaw or fear of his that he changed to make him so affectionate to Daphne? As for Daphne, I am also unsure of what sort of change this relationship would bring to her. I think that it would be worth it to consider what effects their romantic relationship would have on each other because it makes for a much more interesting romance than if you did not.
Is attraction believable?
No.
I find her narration of Andrej's actions and appearance hard to believe because they are more positive than I thought they should be considering what he is doing to her. He tortures and sexually harasses her on a regular basis, so he seems to me no different than her father who she loathes. It would then seem extremely strange that she would describe Andrej as beautiful/stunning/charming no matter how attractive he is. It also doesn't make sense why she would stroke his scalp, enjoy dancing with him, or enjoy him raping her. All of this seems like the author is forcing an attraction there.
I understand that it is not impossible for there to be turns of psychology to produce a romance between a rapist and a rape victim, but those types of stories only hold up well if they provide a reason for why a romance had ensued. It does not have to be a plot hole for Daphne to have such a strangely strong attraction to Andrej but rather, you could make her very compelling if you make a strong enough reason for her to be attracted to him despite everything else. If you do not make a good reason, then readers will only put the two character's romance up to the author's forcing it there.
Likewise with Andrej, I also have found no very strong reason why he might like her. I know nothing about Andrej himself, so I don't know why Daphne, specifically, would attract him so strongly.
Is the relationship compelling?
No.
I do not find it compelling because the attraction is hard to buy, and I do not understand in either Andrej or Daphne's case why they would like each other. I think deeper consideration of reasons why they would like the other, specifically, would allow me to believe their passionate attraction.
GRAMMAR
Does the grammar hinder reading?
Your grammar needs improvement. I saw many mispellings, and sometimes your tenses shift around from past or present, so I think that you should try to keep an eye on staying in the right tense. You're also occasionally missing commas where there should be one. Most of these could be prevented by installing a grammarly.com add-on in your browser, if you are using a computer, but you could also use Google Docs or Microsoft Word's spelling check features.
Aside from those, I notice that your dialogue tags are often written incorrectly. For example, you have the line "You will stay. "He commends. If you are attaching a dialogue tag like he/she said, then the first word should be lowercase, and the punctuation should either be a comma, exclamation point, or question mark. The line should read, "You will stay," he commands. Please refer to Grammarly.com's punctuation guide for further details on this.
EXTRA NOTES
Is there insensitive content?
Though I'm aware that this is a dark romance novel and there will obviously be problematic content, I think that drawing on such dark themes should at least have a reason for why you're using them. What is it that you're adding to this topic, and is it something that people should discuss? For example, the book Lolita is a massively popular novel that follows an adult male protagonist kidnapping and sexually abusing a twelve year old girl. Even though it features deeply uncomfortable subjects, it contributes to the subject of grooming and pedophilia because it explores the psychology of a hypothetical predator and the societal norms in America that support sexually predatory behaviors.
As far as I have read, it doesn't seem like you're writing about these topics for any reason other than trauma porn which is depicting traumatic events without in-depth exploration of either the causes or the effects on the characters themselves. It is trauma for trauma's sake that is written to elicit an emotional reaction from the reader like pity, anger, or sadness without exploring or discussing the nature or ramifications of the traumatic thing as if they don't matter. In the case of Hide and seek, I believe that you are writing about child sexual and physical abuse as a way to get readers to pity her or feel angry/sad on her behalf.
Even though Daphne had been a victim of repeated, graphic, and violent rape at the hands of her father and further sexual assault from strangers at her workplace, I find it hard to believe that she would accept Andrej's sexual advances. Based on her background, I would expect her to be severely traumatized and would probably reject all sexual contact because all of her past experiences had been so terrible. Andrej constantly sexual objectifying her should also repulse her, too, because all her life she had been a sexual object of men. I could maybe reason that Daphne's trauma was so severe as to affect the way she feels sexual desire, but there's no hint in the writing that this is the case. Rape and child sexual abuse are already very delicate topics that should be handled with care if they are to be incorporated into your story, so I think that paying more attention to Daphne's trauma are very important if you are to touch this subject. Think about how her trauma would affect the way she thinks, acts, and behaves.
Is the writing style noticeable in a good or bad way?
The writing style is bland and undescriptive. There are many scenes in the novel which have very sensational, gruesome content, but it is described unimaginatively and begs for detail especially when it comes to the sex scenes. You describe in detail about how much passion they have in those scenes, but their actions themselves are written rather awkwardly and do not match the passion you describe. I suggest spending more time with those scenes as it seems like the erotic aspect of Hide and seek seems to be a big draw or feature of the book. You could also refer to other examples of sex in other dark romance books for an example.
Moreover, the writing style lacks personality between Daphne and Andrej's POV. Because they are such vastly different people with different personalities, perspectives, and temperaments, it is natural that they should think and narrate things very differently. However, their POVs read very similarly and do not say as much about their personalities as I would like aside from Andrej's very strong obsession with Daphne.
I notice that you sometimes represent quotations using commas but other times you just use commas. For example, one of your sentences can look like ,,I'm not doing that." but another one looks like "You will stay." It's a matter of style if you don't want to adhere to traditional novel formatting, but I think that you should pick one and be consistent with them since it's distracting.
ENGAGEMENT
Am I inclined to read further?
No.
What makes me want to read more or less?
The plot and characters are confusing and difficult to understand, and the romance suffers as a result. Without a good foundation of solidly-written characters that readers could easily understand, trying to build a compelling romance with them would be difficult. However, the handling of the topics of rape, graphic assault, and child abuse had been handled so poorly that it was the strongest factor in repelling me from reading more. I have no problems reading about them, even when written about very explicitly as Hide and seek had, but I cannot enjoy reading them if the author does not go further than a description of the event in portraying the topic.