Big Pine Lake, New Jersey
"DADDY GET OFF"
Austin groaned and rolled onto his better side, reaching for Benny who was pushing to get on the bed.
"Ben Ben, Daddy's stomach hurts today,"
You scooped Ben up into your arms before he could get to Austin and kissed his cheek.
"We're gonna let daddy rest," you tell him
"No!"
"Little Cowboy" Loretta chided from the door
"Here darlin' give him to me, I'll take him outside to play so you can get Cowboy washed up,"
Loretta took Benny from your arms who squirmed with a huff, reaching back for Austin.
"DADDY I HELP"
Austin pressed his face into the pillow with a pained grunt, waving his hand dismissively.
"I'm gonna throw up" he muttered into the fabric
"Ok, baby, I'll get the pan"
You grazed his sweaty hair back before walking to the bathroom to get it, taking a minute to pause with an outward breath.
Austin was detoxing from his pain medication, and trying to switch over to non-opioid pain relief has been tough on him.
He wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and you have to resist the urge to touch him because he doesn't want to be touched. He feels as if he's coming out of his skin, and you didn't realize that only a couple of months on opiates would do this to him.
He was weak, and the physiotherapy you had him doing was making him feel even sicker, but he had to do it to get his function back immediately.
So not only was he withdrawing from the meds, he had to force himself to push hard with his healing leg, and the situation together was making him mercurial and contemptuous.
"Baby, hurry" he pleaded in a rasp from the bedroom
You shook yourself out of a daze and jogged to his bedside, holding the pan in front of him.
"I'm here," you whispered, caressing his hair
"I'm here, my love,"
Austin groaned insufferably, gasping with his head slanted over the bed.
"It's okay, sweetheart," you raked your fingers at his hairline and watched him swallow, moaning in distress.
"I know, I know,"
He closed his eyes and grasped the nightstand, letting another stuttered pant out before hurling into the pan, spitting.
His wretched moans made your heart contract with pain.
Another heave
Tonight's dinner.
"It's okay," you whispered again, kissing his temple.
"I hate this," he whined
"I hate everything right now, I hate my life, I hate this fucking bed-" his words were slurred with bitterness and agony
"I know baby," you pushed his hair back and held the nape of his neck, waiting.
"Try again, get it out,"
Austin shook his head with a hard swallow
"No more?"
"Don't think so," he answered
"Okay, I want you to lie back down for a few minutes and then I'm taking you to the bathtub"
He nodded when he sat back up, dropping his head on the pillow.
You cleaned the pan after dumping it and had to stop yourself from crying within the few short minutes you had alone.
"Baby," he called from the bedroom again
"Do you have to throw up again?"
"No, I have to pee,"
"Okay, my love, one second I'll get your walker,"
A quick inhale for equilibrium and you left the bathroom, wheeling his walker to the bed.
"Alright just put your legs down, slow - slow for me, my sweet lion," you whispered
Austin turned his body and put his feet on the ground, hissing.
"Put that beautiful strong grip on those handles for me,"
His long fingers clutched them and he shakily stood with your help, grunting again.
"Alright, we're upright, we're doing good today," you soothed, rubbing his back
You eyed him move a few paces in his grey socks, breathing heavily.
You always made sure that you used the phrase "we" because no matter what, you were in this together, and it also benefited in letting Austin know he wasn't alone, it made him feel less like a burden.
You knew he felt like one.
"Alright, slow, we're gonna move slow,"
Austin inched a few steps and squeezed the brake handle, panting.
"I know, I know it's hard,"
"It's bullshit," he said through clenched teeth
"We're strong, we're gonna get through this, you and me, always"
You walked beside him when he started to move again.
He was in better spirits when he initially came back from the hospital because they had him on some pretty heavy medication. It was his idea to stop taking it and it looked like he was starting to regret it.
"Just a few more steps,"
Austin's feet shuffled to the side of the bathroom.
"Brake, and leave it there, yeah - we're okay," you took his arm and assisted his twist to the toilet.
"Do you want me to help?" You asked, flipping the seat up
He shook his head with a jagged breath and pulled the elastic band of his track pants down, gripping himself.
"Steady," you murmured, kissing his sleeve.
You held your arm on him as he urinated and made sure his sway was a normal one, sometimes he would get too close to losing balance and this six-foot man was dead weight.
His skin was hot to the touch, and you were sure that his urine was hotter as well.
He tilted his head back, shaking himself.
"That's better, yeah," you hummed, pulling toilet paper from the handle to wipe him, flushing the toilet.
"We're already in here we might as well get you in the tub?" You suggested
He sighed with a nod, already looking completely depleted of energy.
"I know, darling,"
You pulled his pants all the way down and lifted his knees to help him step out of them.
"Arms up," you whispered
You stood on the stool in the bathroom to take his shirt off with as little discomfort as possible.
You twisted the water on and modified the temperature, letting the bathtub fill up. Austin wavered there with his hand on the wall, naked, breathing heavily.
"Do you need to sit, baby? Or can you wait just a few minutes?" You asked him, veering around.
He nodded, knee wobbling
"I can stand" his voice was rough, and you knew he was lying.
His incision was right above his knee and the medical wrap kept his wound from being penetrated with water but you still had him elevate it in the bathtub.
"Okay, my sweetheart," you murmured, taking his arms to support him.
Austin's long legs stepped into the bathtub shakily. This was the hard part, you could get his feet in but having him bend his legs to sit was excruciating for both of you.
"Alright take a second," you reminded him
His toes wiggled in the water, one hand holding the shower wall with the other in yours.
"Bend your knee, the good one-" you advised
"Yeah, we're okay," you soothe
"Good,"
Austin bent and tried the other, grimacing.
"I know, I know, just a little more,"
You felt the water soak you when his large body plunged into the bathtub.
This was also typical
Austin was heavy, and long. He was lean in the lower part of his body but his upper half was a heavy mass of muscles, arms and chest not evenly distributed. You always made the joke that you weren't sure how his legs held his upper body.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled with a huff
"It's okay, I'm used to you getting me wet," you teased, turning the water off.
His mouth turned
"Stop with the pouting, you'll get me in full force when you've healed up, I promise you,"
You took the pillow for his baths and put it under your knees, scooting forward.
"Come toward me a little more, my prince," you say softly
Austin's body moved slightly, water sloshing around him.
You took the cup you used to bathe the children with and poured it over his hair, pushing his dark blonde locks back.
"I can massage your knee when we get out, give some kisses,"
Austin sat there, toes pointed outward, mouth turned in frustration with water dripping over him each time you poured.
"Bathing me like I'm Benny," he muttered
"Austin, stop being so headstrong," you whispered, placing the cup down.
"I feel like a child,"
"You're a grown man, you're just healing, baby, and that takes time and help,"
"You have to be more patient with yourself"
He looked down when you put shampoo in your hands, rubbing them together.
His wet eyelashes blinked as you sat forward, pushing your fingers into his locks to massage his scalp.
His lip curved slightly
"There's my boy," you whispered, scrubbing under his head.
"That feels nice," he mumbles
"Your favorite part," you say
"DADDY!" Benny came running in with his tiny toy motorcycle, Brody and Loretta behind him.
"Come on now, Benjamin, daddy's having a bath," Loretta scolded gently from the door.
"I get in baf,"
Your soapy hands snatched Benny's waist before he could jump in.
"No no, no Benny - Daddy is having a bath alone,"
"Why?"
"Because he's sick, Mommy will come get you when it's safe to snuggle Daddy,"
Benny wriggled
"Be a good boy,"
You put him down and he clutched his toy, rolling it over the lip of the tub.
"Vrooooom"
Austin leaned forward with your hands washing his hair, observing Benny.
"Vroooooooooom!" the little plastic wheel rolled until Austin's finger stopped its progress.
"DADDY! I'm going to cwash in the ocean!"
Austin chuckled, placing his hand on his son's head to rub it.
His hair was still soaped up, bubbles beginning to slide down his face.
"Come on, Benny back up a little bit so Mommy can rinse Daddy's hair," you say
Benny screeches and throws his toy on the floor, grabbing the cup.
"I rinse Daddy!"
"You wanna rinse daddy's hair? Okay, come here,"
You pushed Austin's hair back when he tilted his head, lifting Benny to the rim of the tub to watch him tip the cup.
"The whole thing, baby, just dump it back like mommy does,"
Benny lets the water fall and giggles, dipping his hand down to get more.
Austin opened one eye
"He doing okay? Benny let mommy finish," Austin attempted until more water was poured down his head and neck
"I love Daddy," Benny shrieked, scooping more.
Austin tilted his wet face forward and kissed Benny's cheek.
"Menace, come on now - down," Austin's weak voice carried out.
You rested Benny on his feet and watched him pick his toy back up from your peripheral.
"They can stay in here, Letty," you say
"They're okay,"
"Alright, you just holler if you need me," she replied, closing the door
Brody sat on the toilet with his tablet, swiping and tapping.
"Vrooooooooom" Benny pushed the motorcycle back and forth on the lip of the tub.
"Mommy?" Benny asked
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"You and Daddy stop praying, are you mad at Daddy?"
Austin looked defeated as you put conditioner in his hair.
"Daddy's too hurt to pray right now," you told him
Austin's mouth frowned
"Stupid," Austin muttered
"Hey, you - shhh," you hushed
"Daddy doesn't want to kiss," Brody says, tapping.
"He's mad at his leg,"
"I fix leg," Benny says, trying to climb in again.
"No, no, stay out of the tub," you held Benny's legs and kissed his curly hair.
Austin was still sulking.
"Baby,"
"Tilt your head back,"
Austin leaned his head and watched you push the conditioner out, gripping the nape of his wet curls.
"Give me a kiss," you whispered
Austin's cobalt eyes stared back at you as they blinked, leaning forward to press his mouth soft to yours.
"Mmm,"
"Ew that's gross" Brody shouted
Austin laughed into your mouth
Benny giggled and then you felt the water get dumped right between your faces.
"I WASH"
"Child, for god-"
SPLASH
You were able to catch him before he completely jumped in, holding him under his little arms.
"You can't come in the bathtub handsome boy," you pulled him up to sit on the lip of the tub.
"Daddy come!"
Austin leaned into Benny who held his goatee and rubbed his face on it, trying to move closer.
"Aus, stop he's gonna fall in,"
"Hey buddy, you want a kiss, too?"
"Ya!"
Austin kissed his tiny lips and pushed his hair back with a damp hand.
"Go downstairs and play with Letty, okay?" He instructed gently
"Otay"
"I love you, Benny, be a good boy," he murmured
Benny ran off with his bike, and after a couple of turns managed to open the door.
"Brody, come here a sec," Austin gestured with his hand
Brody swung his legs back and forth on the toilet before shoving his tablet almost fully into the sink.
Austin's strong hand pulled his son closer, kissing his cheek.
"When I'm all healed up, we're gonna go somewhere just the two of us, maybe a fishing trip," he says
Brody looks a little uncomfortable for a second but relaxes into Austin's grasp.
You conceded that in his condition of pain and pressure, he was trying to connect with his other son, it was hard for Austin to connect with Brody the same way as Ben, and you had touched upon this subject several times, reminding Austin that he needs to feel loved and seen as well, even if Austin assumed he was fine.
Austin grew up projecting "fine" and you wanted to make sure that Brody was treasured just as much by his daddy. You treated both of them the same. But there was something so different about Benny - the way he fared with everyday situations seemed to be harder. You believe Austin saw that need in him and pushed almost too strongly to alleviate it.
"Okay, Daddy,"
"Hey," Austin's voice softened more
"I love you, Brody, you know that, right?"
Brody pulled away unexpectedly and ran out the door, leaving his tablet on the counter.
"Brody!" You called out
When you turned to look at Austin he was welling up with tears, looking down.
"I don't mean to make him feel -"
"Baby," you whispered
"Let me talk to him,"
You stood up and passed him the loofah.
"Wash your chest and back, even though I know you prefer I do it" You teased
He glanced at the loofah and frowned
"Just let me talk to him," you say
He nods shortly, sloshing to wring the soap out, massaging over his left arm.
You walked to the boy's bedroom down the hall and found Brody face down in his bed.
"Hey Brode," you whispered, resting a gentle hand on his back.
"You wanna talk to me about how you're feeling?"
Brody shook his head into the pillow
You sighed, rubbing up and down his red t-shirt.
"Your daddy loves you so much"
Brody cried into the pillow, muffled by the fabric.
He sobbed harder when you rubbed his back, kicking his feet on the bed.
You presumed that the worst feeling you would ever experience in your life was watching your husband weep until you had to watch your son do it.
And you knew this would tear Austin to shreds.
"Brody," your voice was even paler
He couldn't verbalize big feelings, they both couldn't. They were so young. They knew they were handling emotions that were surging through their bodies but they didn't know how to properly helm them.
"It's okay to be sad, it's okay to feel angry," you assured him
"Tell Mommy"
Brody lifted his head and his blue eyes were swollen, lip jutted in distress.
Your heart was breaking.
"Daddy doesn't love me," he says
"Daddy only loves Benny"
"I understand why you would feel that way, sweetheart, come here," you encourage him, opening your arms
Brody pushed into them and cried heavier, huffing into your neck.
"Daddy doesn't love me,"
"Daddy loves you more than anything," you whisper
"Okay baby, alright, it's okay,"
You held his blonde hair and scoured your thoughts, stroking it.
You couldn't tell Austin about this right now.
He couldn't deal with it.
Fuck.
"Daddy's gonna heal, and take you fishing, just Brody,"
"My bruver takes all Daddy's time," Brody sobs
"I know, I know, that must be so difficult," you held the back of his head and closed your eyes.
"Daddy is gonna make more time, once he's okay,"
"I wanna go downstairs now," Brody tells you with a stifled sob, pulling away
"Ok," you released him and he ran to the staircase, making his way to the living room.
"Baby, I'm done!" Austin called out from the bathroom
When you walked in he had his arms draped over the bathtub and his bad knee in a comfortable position.
"Brody?" He asked
You shook your head
A tremble quivered in Austin's jaw, eyes falling to the water beneath him.
"You're gonna fix it;" you ensured him
"You're gonna fix it,"
He nodded
"But right now you need to focus on getting better, we both made the wrong judgment here with Brody, it's not just on you,"
"I should have been more adamant about you having a closer relationship with him," you sank to his level and took his face
"You're gonna fix this, my sweet lion,"
"You love our cubs, more than anything, I know you do,"
Austin let tears fall out of his eyes and exhaled, wiping them away.
"I thought he was fine like he didn't need me," he choked
"I thought he didn't need me,"
"He's always gonna need you," you murmured, raking his damp waves from his hairline.
"You're his daddy,"
Austin wept into his hands dropping the loofah.
"Oh, my sweet, sweet wonderful man," your breath caught on the last word, fingers stroking his hair.
"Sometimes-" you whisper
"Sometimes parents don't make the correct decisions,"
"We both messed up here, baby," you slid your hand under his chin and brought his eyes to yours.
"We're gonna fix it, I promise, but let's get you better, first,"
"I swore I'd never be like my fucking parents" he spat, jaw clenching.
"I neglected my son, I'm a fucking terrible father,"
"Austin" you cut him off
"We're gonna fix this"
He nodded, pushing more tears that collected away from his eyes.
"I want to sleep," he mumbled
"I feel sick,"
"Okay, let's get you back to bed,"
*****
4 weeks later
Over the last month, Austin had trouble not only recovering but comprehending that he needed to give himself time to recuperate before he could be well enough to take Brody out.
Brody would sit in bed with Austin every night now and watch his favorite show with his head in Austin's lap.
It took a while for Brody to come around, he was moody and reluctant at first. Benny started to notice that he wasn't getting as much attention and acted out in jealousy
Whoever gets parenting right the first time?
Benny was beginning to act out in school as well, and you or Renegade would have to go and pick him up when he threw fits. The other kids were surprisingly good with him, you found it was the teachers that weren't understanding him properly.
One particular day close to Austin's end of recovery, Benny had screamed so loud in class that he had to be physically removed by the teacher. You were finally able to start working again and it was your first week back at the restaurant when this happened so you couldn't go and pick him up.
Renegade decided to take the brunt of it and brought his Harley to lift Benny's spirits, which only seemed to make him worse. He screamed for Austin, saying that he wouldn't leave the school until Daddy came to get him. Now that Brody was doing better, Benny wasn't.
Renegade called you first.
"Hey Shortie,"
You could hear Benny screeching in the background
"You calm down Benace or I'm gonna stick you in my side saddle," Ren chided
"It's bad, Y/N, he's screaming and crying like he's been murdered or something, I can't even get him to leave the school,"
You sighed on the other end of the phone.
You didn't want to call Austin, he was finally able to walk alone with his cane, but far trips were still a week or two away. Not that he really had to worry about that, but he wasn't emotionally recovered either and was running at about 60% at the moment.
"Fuck," you exhaled into the receiver and turned to look at your manager who was watching you with a pursed mouth.
"I can't leave, Ren - my shift ends in two hours," you tell him
"I know but I've gotta call Cowboy, you know I do, he's only gonna leave if he comes to get him,"
You sighed again
"Alright, let me call him, okay? Just stay there with him,"
"Alright, Shortie,"
You hung up and swiped to Austin's message thread, tapping the call button.
Ring
Ring
Ring
"Hey, babe,"
"Hi, sweet boy," you murmured, facing away from your manager's prying eyes and ears.
"Benny is having a hard day at school," you tell him
The phone crackles as he shifts his hands
"What do you mean?"
"He's been screaming in class, having tantrums, yelling at the teachers..."
Austin let out a defeated breath
"He won't leave for anyone but you,"
There was silence for a few seconds until he responded.
"Alright, I'll go get him,"
"You'll be okay with your cane? Getting into the car?" You ask, chewing your nail
"Yeah, I'll be alright - I'll go get him,"
It was as if you both understood and felt each other through the phone without speaking. There was a level of comprehension there beyond words.
"I love you," you whispered
"I love you, too, baby," he kissed the receiver and hung up.
*****
Austin stepped out of the black Cadillac, pulling himself up with his cane. He was wearing a white t-shirt under his leather jacket, and grey faded jeans with the trusty boots he's had for years.
He took the aviators that hung from his belt loop to slip them on his face, pushing his hair back before he walked to the front door of the building.
He angled his head when he saw Renegade's motorcycle and chuckled, entering the stuffy air with a clack of his cane.
"This little bastard," Renegade moved to Austin with Benny under his arm.
"Hey," Austin's voice hardened, slender hand reaching to push Benny's curls back.
"You don't scream in school," Austin told him
"Give him to me,"
Ren hoisted Ben to Austin who threw him over his shoulder, ambling to the office with his cane.
"You good, man?" Ren paced beside him
"I mean to hold the kid?"
"I'm fine," Austin said shortly, pushing the door open with the rod.
"DADDY LET GO"
"Not happening, ya little terror,"
Benny squirmed with a kick.
"Cowboy seriously, I'll take him back,"
Austin approached the desk and set Benny on the ground who collapsed in a huff, kicking the side of it.
"Don't kick," he says down to him, placing a hand on the marble
The receptionist looked up with annoyance, pressing the button for the principal.
"Mr. Butler is here,"
"Benjamin's dad,"
Beep
"Send them in,"
Austin lowered his hand to grip Benny by the shirt, pulling him into his good side.
"I'll just sit out here," Ren said, plunking into a plastic chair that was far too small for him.
"You're listening to me and I don't wanna hear it," Austin gritted, following the receptionist
"Mr. Butler, please come in,"
Principal Andrews was a kind woman, but she could be stern when she wanted to be. She had the sort of tiredness around her brown eyes that suggested she got less sleep than most people. Which made sense to Austin.
"What did he do?"
"Did your wife call you?" She asked
He nodded short, attempting to break Benny's grip but he wouldn't turn his face to accept the consequences.
"Daddy no!" He gurgled
He screeched into Austin's chest and Austin dropped his cane, pulling him outward.
"Come on, sit down on the chair,"
"Mr. Butler it is quite alright if he wants to stay with you,"
Austin eyed her and pulled his cane back up, sitting down with Ben's face pressed into his black t-shirt.
"Benjamin is having some difficulty acclimating to school - we see this kind of behavior when there is an unmet need," she tells him
Austin moved his jaw and looked out the window, avoiding eye contact.
"Mr. Butler, is there anything going on at home? Anything that might cause this behavior in your son?"
"He's been like this for a while," Austin says, meeting his blue eyes with hers
"I think I was too close to him when he was a baby,"
She pressed her lips together and nodded
"Mr. Butler-"
"He's having trouble in school," he cut in
"Learning," Austin continues
"His brother doesn't have any problems with it, but it's been difficult for Ben to understand things like a regular kid," Austin says
"Brody excels, yes -" she agrees
"He had a bit of a hump there for a week or two but he's back to normal, he's actually reading at a higher level than most of the children in the class, but - Mr. Butler, I do apologize, we are not here to talk about Brody,"
"Do you have a history of any mental illness in your family?" She asked
Austin gaped at her
"He's 4 years old,"
She exhaled through her nose
"Benjamin always speaks of you," she says
"So what?" Austin responds defensively
"So? He's my son, he loves me,"
Benny has stopped crying, only merely snivelling into Austin's leather jacket with his head pushed into it.
"He's secure," Austin tells her, taking off his sunglasses.
"He's secure, and he loves me,"
She folded her hands on the table and leaned forward.
"I advocate the importance of children feeling secure and attached," she looks him
up and down
"But it is also very important that he is attached healthily to both parents. I have seen this many times when a boy is over-attached to his father, it has the possibility of negatively affecting his development, social skills and independence, Mr. Butler,"
Austin's face was turning red, and his long fingers were gripping unnaturally tight on his silver handle.
"Mr. Butler, the only thing I want for Benjamin is for him to feel safe and happy,"
Austin's eyes narrowed
"Don't look at me like that," he spat
"Like I'm the bad guy, here, he's just different!" Austin's voice rose
"He's just different and if you won't help him, I'll put him in another fucking school,"
Austin pulled Benny closer and stood up, moving to the door.
"I'm sorry you feel that way," she sighed behind him
Austin set his jaw and turned around, facial features coated in disbelief.
"You don't fucking know me,"
His ringed hand pointed a finger at her.
"So don't you look at me like I'm some horrible person,"
She stared back at him.
"Your parents must have hurt you," she says
"I'm sorry,"
"I hope you heal from it one day, Mr. Butler or your son will end up needing you for everything"
"He won't develop social skills, he won't be his own person,"
Austin's mouth moved in rage and frustration as he pulled his cane, using the back of it to push the door open again, Benny hanging into him with a sob.
"You have no idea,"
And walked out.
*****
You were grabbing your keys from the register to go home when the phone call came.
"Hello? Mrs. Butler, this is Principal Andrews again, I'm sorry to bother you,"
"Oh, god I hope Benny is not there still," you say, taking your purse from under the desk.
"He's not, your husband and his Uncle left not long ago,"
"Oh," you paused, pulling your purse over your arm to make your way to your car.
"Well, then, what are you calling for?"
"Your husband is planning to take both children out of our preschool,"
For fucks sake.
"I wouldn't recommend a change in scenery or lesson plans, especially with Benjamin's needs and Brody's comfort level"
You exhaled heavy
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Austin has been going through a lot right now, just - don't take them out - let me talk to him,"
"I understand completely," she tells you
"Do give me a call once you've spoken to him, we would love to keep the children under our care,"
"Thank you, and again - I'm very sorry for my husband, he has been on edge lately," you apologized, sinking into the car.
"It's quite alright, you have a good night, now,"
"You, too,"
You hung up and let your head drop back into the headrest.
Austin, you stubborn man.
*****
"Austin Robert!" You shouted, slamming the door behind you
Austin surfaced from the kitchen with his cane, Benny trailing him.
"Put the babies in their room, we need to talk," you tell him
His blue eyes closed, neck craning in discomfort.
"Babies. Room. Now," you tossed your keys on the table
Austin kept his eyes on you as he pulled both boys up the stairs.
Making decisions without me.
Again.
You moved to the kitchen and slipped the bottle of scotch from the shelf, swigging right from the lip.
"She was a fucking bitch," Austin's voice is already rough from the doorway,
You lifted your eyes to his, hand still on the bottle.
"These are our fucking children, Austin, and this is the best school in the county," you took another swig and he watched you, mouth turning.
"And you once again made a decision without me,"
Austin's mouth opened and shut again.
"What the fuck happened?" You asked him, emphasizing every word.
"She asked if mental health issues ran in the family. Inferring Benjamin is messed up or something? He's four years old, baby! Why the fuck was she asking me that?!"
"Austin!"
He closed his mouth and stared at you.
"Are you mad because she asked that, or because her assumption was right?"
"He's four!" Austin roared, veering around with his cane.
"He's four years old! He doesn't have problems!"
"He does," you say low
"He does have problems, and you have to accept it, Austin, because if you don't we can't help him,"
"MY SON IS FINE!" The power in his voice erupted with pent-up anger, hand shaking on his cane.
"OUR SON," you corrected
"He's ours! He's not just yours, he's ours!"
"And he is way too attached to you, we were supposed to deal with this early on," you reminded him, screwing the cap back on.
Austin glared at you through his eyelashes with his head inclined.
"You are his father, and you are holding him so close he won't be able to cope without you," you countered
"He is going to need you, for the rest of his life if you don't stop this,"
"I WANT HIM TO NEED ME!" Austin shouted
His anger made your body jump with anxiety, hands gripping the counter.
"I WILL NOT EVER BE AWAY FROM HIM, EVER!"
"You have to be," you respond
"You have to be away from him,"
"Baby, I told you," your voice shook
"You need to go back to therapy, okay? Because this is settling back in, all that progress is being lost when you stew in your head, the borderline, the depressive episodes, the anger,"
Austin roared in his throat, smashing his cane so hard into the drywall that it punctured it, dust flying between you.
Your heart was pumping heavily with panic and unease, anxiety flooding your entire body.
"Austin, you're scaring me," you whispered
"You want me to have nothing but you," he moves closer, white dust flitting around his features.
"You want me to need you, how different is that? Huh? It's okay when I can't be without you? Fucking hypocrite,"
His dark blue eyes alternated back and forth from yours.
"What the fuck is your problem?" You could feel your voice trembling
"What is it, huh? What's really wrong?"
Austin's hand pulled back and slammed beside your head causing you to jump, eyes observing your face.
"Talk to me," you held his gaze
"Is it because you've been feeling too vulnerable?" you ask him
His jaw squeezed, freckled throat swallowing with tension building in his eyes.
"I know you," you whisper
"I know my man,"
"You're my husband, I know you better than you know yourself,"
Your hand lifts to his cheek, fingers gliding over his hairline to tuck it behind his ear.
"Been 6 weeks since we had sex,"
Austin's looking back without saying a word.
"You're all worked up," your finger travels down his mouth to the curve of his lip, pressing it.
"You wanna be a man, be a man,"
There's a millisecond where Austin's eyes flit back and forth from yours again before his free arm slams you into the wall.
You let out a breath and looked into his eyes, still holding his face.
Your other hand grips his face
"Be a man,"
"Look at me," you mumbled on his lips, gazing into his blue eyes that were growing in anticipation.
"Fuck me, Cowboy,"
Austin's throat churned a soft growl.
"Yeah? Yeah? You like that?"
His lips moved against yours, eyes connecting as he inched his mouth closer.
"Fuck me hard, Cowboy," you breathed
Austin let his cane fall to the floor and lifted your body, slamming you into the wall with a rough kiss.
"Yeah," you panted, kissing his mouth hungrily back.
"Yeah, there he is,"
Austin moaned, extending his hand down to unbutton his jeans in a frenzy.
"Yeah, Cowboy,"
Austin's hands pushed your work skirt up, holding strong eye contact as his long fingers pulled your panties to the side.
"Are you okay? To do this?" you asked breathlessly
"Don't you dare fucking ask me that," he pushed himself into you abruptly, filling your body with a stretch that was uncomfortable at first.
"Aus, ah, baby, careful, it's been a few weeks" Your lips kissed his, feeling him adjust to sink further, maintaining his gaze on yours.
"Yeah, that's what my man needs," you whimpered
"Give it to me," you begged
A groan pushed through Austin's lips, hips moving in a rhythmic thump against the wall.
"Hahh, hahh,"
The stretch became slick and his girth pushed further, eliciting a moan from both of you.
"Fuck me, Daddy," you pleaded, gripping the back of his head with a hard tug.
Austin growled heavy, hips working into you with more vigor.
The fingers of his one hand rose to your face to hold it, pelvis pressing deep between your legs with a long grunt into your mouth.
"Oh god, baby," you dropped your head back uncomfortably against the wall.
It was so good to feel him, to pull his rigid member into your body again. The familiarity of it felt like a second skin, and the more he moved, the more you pushed into him, grunting back with elevated breaths.
Austin's face was your favorite color, rosy and sheened with sweat. Freckles decorating his skin like artwork.
And his eyes, his eyes were almost a dark midnight blue piercing into yours with resolve and domination.
Whatever was going on inside his head was being pushed into your body with heavy pressure, body jolting you up.
"Aus, Aus, mmm,"
"Yeah," he rasped, mouth dropping against yours.
"Yeah, take my big dick," he demanded through clenched teeth, clapping heavier.
"God, baby," you cried out, fingers yanking the golden waves on his head with your body pulling and pushing under his hands.
"Fuck it's been too long, it's been too long since I've had your beautiful cock inside me," you whimper, holding his face with both hands.
"I need you, you're right," you're looking at him deep, eyes connecting with love and determination.
"I need you so bad, every second," the last syllable of the word cuts off when he presses hard, groaning loud onto your mouth.
"You're stubborn," you tell him, tugging his hair back with a swift jerk.
"You're angry, and sometimes you make me want to scream in your fucking face,"
Austin's still looking at you, fingers clasping your hips to work his.
"You fiery, unyielding, capricious-ah," you gasped when he jolted heavier, smirking with his mouth open, watching you.
"Cum for me," he begs
And you can feel his slide, hips settling lower to take you at a different angle.
You can see his bad leg shaking, and want to tell him to stop, until you feel him smack in lunges upward, panting.
"Oh, oh, god - Austin,"
The fuzziness in your head advanced with each movement he made, and you knew - you knew what he was going for.
"Give it to me," his mouth is so close you desperately kiss it, holding his strong arm with one hand, feeling his weight.
Your body reacted to him as it always did, liquid rushing with a heavy smack when he pulled out.
You breathed his scent in, inhale his neck as you needed it to breathe.
"The baby, back in, back in," he's mumbling, pressing himself into your body again just before he ejaculates heavy, letting his face fall into your cheek, huffing.
"Yeah," his breath tickles your ear
"Yeah give me another baby,"
You felt yourself drop into him when he pulled out, holding the sweaty nape of his neck with several moist kisses on his mouth.
"I love you, you capricious bastard," you whimpered, kisses softening that led to whispers between each press, telling him you loved him telling him he was perfect. Telling him he was crazy, stubborn, and bull-headed. Telling him you've never loved anyone else in this world the way you loved him.
You could feel him zip his pants up, kissing him so many times your head started to fuzz again. And he kissed back just as romantic and gentle, teeth peeking with love and affection.
"What in the world is-"You both turned to see Loretta in the doorway.
Austin's body had you pinned to the wall, and you watched Loretta's eyes lower to his cane on the floor where the drywall dust had settled.
"Cowboy, you better get your hands off that girl,"
"Letty, it's fine," you attempt
"Cowboy, what have ya done here?" Her eyes travelled the floor to the hole in the wall.
"Now I won't stand for violence," she made her way over and you pulled your skirt down.
"Water on the floor? Did he throw somethin' at you, child?" She's looking at you, and you're still trying to catch your breath.
"Loretta,"
"Cowboy you better watch what you do, youngin' or you'll be getting the lick from me,"
"Loretta," you repeat
"We were having sex"
"Oh,"
She looked back at the wall, and then to the floor again.
"Oh..."
"Well you can clean that up yourself, those children are upstairs and one of you better go up to them, they heard their daddy yelling and their mom screamin'" She moved to the opening and shook her head, walking out.
Austin laughed on your mouth, face ducking to kiss your hand on his cheek.
"Shit," he finally says
"Yeah, we need to talk to the kids,"
"We," you took his face
"We need to talk too, Austin,"
His eyes softened
"I know,"
*****
Benny was blubbering into the pillow when you both got upstairs.
"Ben Ben," Austin sat on the bed and dipped his hand to Ben's hair.
"Daddy's right here,"
"Why- huh- you yewwing at mommy" he hiccuped
"Mommy's right here with me, Daddy's still not doing well, Benny," Austin's voice lowered
"That's not mommy's fault," Brody says from the chair at their desk.
"You're right, it's not," Austin sighed
You could tell that Austin was struggling, verbalizing, how he felt, and how his emotions and inability to cope with them was ultimately hurting his children.
You could see in his face that he was ashamed and felt guilty for his behaviour today. The remorse coated his features and welled in his eyes as he spoke to both children.
"Daddy's sick," Austin swallowed, stroking Benny's hair.
"C'mere Brode," he beckoned, blinking a tear down his cheek with a sniff.
Brody put his pencil down and sat on the bed next to Benny.
"Daddy's gonna go back to the doctor, and he's gonna be better, I'm sorry,"
"I was wrong," the last word came out in a choke
Your hand found his, holding it.
"Aus,"
You felt him let go of your hand to pull both Brody and Ben into his arms, holding them tight at a downward angle.
"I love you both, so much,"
You heard a sob break in Brody, Benny following shortly after.
Both boys sat up further and held Austin at each side, crying into his cheeks.
"My babies," Austin weeped
"You're only 4, I can love you as much as I need to," he whispered, kissing their faces one at a time.
Your heart felt heavy as you watched him hold your children.
"Daddy's here," he murmured
"Daddy's here, forever,"
*****
"Austin it's nice to see you again," Dr. Brown greeted from the small screen of the laptop.
"I'd prefer in person," Austin admitted with a sigh
"But we had to move,"
"I understand," she tells him, leaning forward
"Your wife has told me a little bit about what's going on with you lately, I was sorry to hear about your friend Charlie," she says
Austin closed his eyes in discomfort and guilt.
"I'd like to talk to you every night this week if you're available and have the mental space, your father has paid for several sessions to assist in processing the life-altering things that have been happening to you, Austin- it's important that you talk these things through with a professional,"
"Especially with your mental health conditions,"
A subtle jaw clench.
He hated being told there was something wrong with him. Something unwell in his head that itched. He was better at this before Charlie, before almost dying.
Austin was hanging on by a thread and you knew it, you could see it all over his face every night.
Austin nodded, sniffing into his hand, blue eyes blinking downward.
You sat on the couch beside him away from the camera. You were just there for emotional support.
"I want to try an exercise today, Austin, would that be okay?" She asked
Austin looked at you with insecure eyes, and you took his hand into yours, kissing it.
"Only if you're ready," you told him
"Good afternoon Mrs. Butler," she smiled through the screen
You waved and sat back, letting her talk.
"I think I can," Austin looked at the camera
"Let's try," she urged gently
Another nod
"I'm going to say certain words out loud, and I want you to answer with the first word that comes to your head, what do you think of when I say this word to you? Does that make sense?" She asked
"Yeah," he muttered
"At any point, we can stop and resume at another date, I just want you to feel comfortable, Austin,"
He pressed his chapped lips together and played with the handle of his cane.
"We'll start easy," she says
"Are you ready?"
"Yeah,"
"Okay - Motorcycle,"
"Vandals," he mumbled
"Bar," she says
"Wife" he looked at you
You puckered your lips at him softly.
"Love"
"Hh- wife," he kept looking at you
"Happy,"
His eyes were gently looking back at yours
"Family"
"Mother,"
"Angry,"
"Father,"
"Me,"
"Okay, Austin,"
"These next words are going to make you a little uncomfortable, but I need you to answer them with one word as best as you can," she tells him
He nods short
"Grief"
"-Ch-Charlie," his voice quivers
"Guilt,"
"Endless"
You watched him, trying not to cry as he bowed his head, tears starting to spill down his cheeks.
"Leg"
"Death"
"Hate"
"Myself," he sniffed, eyelashes blinking
Your heart was thick with sadness, hands wanting to reach for your husband but thinking better of it.
She waited for a second and watched him, writing something down on her notepad
"Shouldn't,"
"Be here"
"Must"
"Fix it," Austin's voice was strained, jaw moving in discomfort
"Let's bring it back to a better place, Austin" she whispered
"Wedding"
"Cherry cake" he blinked another tear
"Kiss"
"Y/N"
"Pregnant"
"Happy"
"Okay, Austin, you're alright, give yourself a second,"
Austin sniffed again, so many tears slipping down his cheeks that it was physically painful to stay away from him.
"Can I hold him?" You asked with a swallow
"Not quite yet,"
"Austin.." Dr. Brown pressed gently
"I need you to have a session with me all week, alright? I can see you're not doing very well,"
Austin nodded, letting a stuttered breath out.
"You are human, you make mistakes like everybody else," she tells him
"Your heart is in the right place, most of the time, you have to go easier on yourself to process this"
Austin wiped his cheek, still looking down.
"You can hold him," she tells you
Austin lifts his head and his blue eyes are drenched in pain, hands reaching for you.
You stumbled across the couch and pulled him into your arms, feeling him weep heavier.
"Oh, my sweet boy," you kissed the side of his face.
Your fingers raked his hairline at the back and held him, cupping the curls.
"I love you so much,"
Dr. Brown spoke again after a few minutes. You had almost forgotten she was there.
"Same time tomorrow Austin, I have a few more exercises that I would like to try with you, we need to release some of this pain and guilt from your body," she tells him
Austin lifts his face from your shoulder and nods, sniffing.
"Okay, I'll call you at 4:15 sharp,"
Then the screen went black.
Your hands slid forward to his cheeks, holding them.
"Are you okay?"
He nodded but his eyes were still clear with tears.
"Sweet man,"
His mouth turned.
"You're an amazing father and a wonderful husband," you assure him
"My man,"
Austin pulled you closer again with an exhale, holding you tight.
"I love you, forever," he whispered
"I love you, forever," you reply softly, holding his hair
"And so do our babies," you kissed his cheek
"Thank you for going to therapy,"
His face pulled back to run his nose against yours, indigo eyes searching
"I couldn't lose you again, or my babies,"
"I have to be better,"
"You will be," you murmur, kissing his mouth.
"You will,"
*****
"I told this fucking idiot not to go out to Jersey," Carlos was pacing out front of the warehouse in Manhattan,
"He's gonna cause shit, when it's over, I want to live my Goddamn life in peace, what the hell are you lookin' at me like that for?"
Lou shook his head.
Carlos continued pacing
"He goes and kills the Cowboy kid, that comes back on us - a widow and two kids without a daddy? Do you think I want that on my conscience, Lou? I'm 73 years old, I wanna have a fucking sandwich and die by the time I'm 80, I don't care about this kid, this is fucking ridiculous,"
Lou's eyes followed Carlos
"He's gonna kill that kid, Lou - and it's gonna come back on the Mancini's and they know it," he spat
"Get your ass to jersey and make sure that kid doesn't get killed-"
Carlos gaped at Lou who looked confused
"WHAT ARE YOU DOIN, go!"
Lou turned around and walked back to his car in silence.
"Christ's sake I gotta do everything around here,"
Carlos took a sip of his beer and watched the door close.
"Fuckin' morons, all of 'em"
*****
"Austin, I want you to close your eyes for me can you do that?" Dr. Brown asked
"Yes,"
Austin is sitting cross-legged on your bed with his eyes closed, golden waves tucked behind his ears and a grey long-sleeve shirt on. His toes wiggled with anxiety in his socks.
"I want you to take a few deep breaths,"
"Good,"
"Very good,"
"Now I want you to picture your childhood door, I want you to envision what the door to your bedroom looked like,"
Austin's eyebrow twitched, mouth turning
"It's alright Austin, you're safe,"
He exhales through his nose, producing a small helpless sound in his throat.
"You're okay, Austin,"
"Can you see the door?"
"Yes," his voice is barely there
You're watching from the chair by the balcony with nervousness, trying to make sure you give him the space he needs.
"I want you to reach out and slowly turn the handle,"
"Okay," he rasped
"Open the door Austin,"
You watched his throat bob with a swallow.
"What do you see?" Dr. Brown asks through the speaker.
"I-"
His eyebrows pull together
"I see me"
"You see you?"
"Yes," he breathes
"How old are you?"
Austin swallows again before responding
"Seven"
"And what are you doing?"
Austin's upper lip trembles and you can feel yourself digging your nails into the upholstery of the chair to keep yourself from running to him.
"I'm -"
Austin intakes a breath
"I'm crying" he whispers
"Why are you crying, Austin?"
His breathing becomes jagged
"Austin," Dr. Brown repeats
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm all alone," he whimpers
"I'm scared,"
A tear runs down his cheek
"Austin, why are you alone?"
His face shakes with his breaths, more tears slipping down his cheeks.
"My mom left, she's been gone for 3 hours," he's speaking erratically through breaths
"Where is your father, Austin?"
"I don't know," he whispers
"I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,"
Tears are falling down his face
"Austin, Austin, you're okay," she gently assures him
"Breathe again, take a big breath in - good,"
"And then out, slow,"
Austin shakily exhales
"Another one for me," she instructs
You're crying, you already feel the wetness on your cheeks and the ache of your heart.
"And out, very good,"
"You're not that little boy anymore, Austin," she tells him
"I want you to sit with him,"
"Can you do that?"
"Ok," his voice cracks
"You sit with Austin," she says gently
"He's not alone, you're right there,"
Austin sobs, weeping with his hands in his lap, eyelashes fluttering.
"Thats it," her voice is hushed
"Give Austin a hug"
A strangled sob catches in his throat
"Give him a hug, he needs one,"
You lifted a hand to your face, stifling your own weeps with your sleeve so it didn't distract him.
"Tell him he's safe," she says
"You're safe" Austin cries
"Tell him it's not his fault,"
"It's not - huh- your fault,"
More tears spill down his face.
"Tell him you will protect him,"
"I will protect you," his voice hardens
"Tell him it's okay to feel anxious, sad and insecure,"
"It's okay to feel anxious, sad and insecure,"
His face is drenched in tears, wet eyelashes staying shut.
"Now, Austin,"
"Tell him you love him,"
Austin weeped, face twisting with agony.
You had to cover your eyes, your heart was flooding with grief.
"I love you," he sobbed
"Good, that's really good, Austin," She watches from the screen and gives him a few minutes, you take the time to wipe your own face, trying to breathe quietly.
"Take another deep breath for me,"
"And out, real slow,"
"Good,"
"And again,"
"Very good,"
"Whenever you're ready, Austin, I want you to open your eyes,"
Austin slowly opened his damp eyelids, blue eyes swollen and glazed.
"Good,"
"Y/N, he's going to need a minute to process this, please stay where you are, just for a minute,"
Austin breathed slow, pushing his long fingers into his rosy moist freckled cheeks.
Not touching him right now was ripping your heart out. You stayed perched on the chair, ready to launch into him when you were given the word.
Austin brushed his tears away and lifted his head, beckoning you with both hands.
You flew into him and straddled his lap, holding his head close to yours, fingers pressing him deeper into your body.
"Oh, my love," you kissed his cheeks and felt his grip tighten, arms holding you.
"Austin, we had a very good session today," she says
Austin turns his head to her on the screen and laughs, still crying.
"I saw the release in you," she says
"You needed that,"
"Same time tomorrow, don't forget, okay? I hope you two have a beautiful night together,"
When the sound of the call ending came, you kissed him, tasting salt on his lips.
"Oh, sweetheart, seeing you so hurt," you held his face hard
"I am so proud of you for doing what you just did," you tell him
"So fucking proud,"
He exhaled with another kiss
"I love you,"
"I love you," you kissed him several more times, keeping yourself in his lap to play with his hair and love on him, kissing his cheeks, his eyelids, his nose, and jaw.
Austin calmed down against you, breathing slower with each gesture of affection.
"COWBOY!"
Austin shook his head and pulled his eyebrows together as Loretta came running in.
"Cowboy! I can't find Benny!"
Austin immediately jumped, placing you down on your feet in front of the bed.
"What do you mean?"
Loretta's face is red in panic, hands flitting with anxiety.
"Letty!" His voice deepened
"What do you mean you can't find Benny?"
"I looked everywhere, youngin' I swear I left him out front for 3 minutes to go to the washroom,"
Austin pushed passed her and ran down the stairs, you trailing after him.
"BENNY!"
"Benny!!!"
You opened doors and cupboard, shaking with sheer dread.
"BENNY!" you screamed, veering around
Austin ran into the backyard, circling in
horror with his hands up.
"Benjamin!" His rough voice boomed
"Benjamin Thomas Butler, I swear to god-"
Silence
"Baby! Baby!?" You ran to him, gripping his arms
Austin's face went white as he took a few steps, picking up Benjamin's dinosaur from the ground
"Austin! No no... no-!" You fell to your knees and tugged his pants, sobbing
"My baby!!!"
*****
"Would you BE QUIET?"
Benny shrieked and kicked the drivers seat, screaming bloody murder.
"Fuckin' kids," Frankie spat, sliding the wheel in his hand to turn
"I WANT MY DADDY!" Benny screamed
"Don't worry, ya little shit - you're gonna see Daddy very soon"