Into The Wild Blue

The Archer

Chapter Seven:

The Archer

When we die we go into the arms of those who remember us
We are home now out of our heads out of our minds
Out of this world out of this time

Are you drowning or waving?
I just want you to save me
Should we try to get along
Just try to get along

So we move we change by the speed of the choices that we make
And the barriers are all self-made
That's so retrograde

Are you drowning or waving?
I just need you to save me
Should we try to get along
just try to get along

I am alive
I am awake to the trials and confusion we create
There are times when I feel we're about to break
When there's too much to say
We are home now out of our heads out of our minds

Out of this world out of this time
Out of this time
Out of this time

Big Pine Lake, New Jersey
12:30 am

He's not home yet.
He told you he was meeting the guys at the track to discuss track time.
And he wasn't home yet.

An exhale escaped your lips as you glanced at the clock in the bedroom again.

Austin did make sure you were comfortable and that the kids finished their homework before he left. He did everything he said he was going to. Except be home on time.

You didn't like controlling him.
You didn't feel like you needed to,
On top of that, you knew that trying to control him would only make him worse.
You didn't want to be that wife.
You thought about the days you'd helped him in and out of bed, cleaned his vomit and piss from withdrawals.

You didn't want a dysfunctional relationship which maybe led to you casting an eye away from what he'd been doing the last few weeks. His ego was something you could never tame and try as you may, he was still that hot-headed impulsive man you married years ago.

No amount of moments of remorse took that away for long. A tiger doesn't change his stripes, a lion doesn't change his mane.

But you thought you hoped and prayed.
That maybe your lion could learn.

You loved Austin more than you loved anyone. He was truly the person you could always count on. Nobody apart from Renegade and Abigail understood this.

And your marriage had mourned enough up until this point.

Why couldn't he just work at the auto shop and live life normally? His foolish need to maintain his masculinity was never going to subside. You thought it might with age.

Even when you told him several times that he was always a man to you.

He was always a man to your children.

Even as his child grows inside you.
As your children grew in front of him.
He still needed more.
And you think that's when you knew that you weren't enough. That there wasn't enough love in the world to fix your husband's cracks.

It was the cracks you didn't see that made him shatter every time. The things he wouldn't say. A bucket of tears and almost a decade later you thought he could talk to you by now. Work things out in his head and care enough about how his decisions affected you and your children.

You almost divorced him for it already.
But you were too intertwined with his soul, too tied to his heart. Every breath he took, you took - every heartbreak, heartbeat. All shared. If you ever believed in soulmates you would be sure he was yours.

You were so mad at him.
He should know better by now.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a blaring ring from your cell phone.