Warning: talk of suicide, explicit sexual content
I wanted to know what was going on in his head. He kept his eyes cast to the floor the entire time I'd helped to clean the blood from his skin. I'd never seen him so hollow before, not even on his drunken nights of melancholic thinking. It was like there wasn't a person inside him anymore, just muscles moving a corpse.
I'd found him with a dead body in his lap, sobbing and coated in more blood than I think he realized. He had smeared it across his cheeks when wiping his eyes, it coagulated in the strands of his hair when he ran an anguished hand through the locks. That room- gods, that room was nauseatingly thick with violence. I had no clue what had happened, but I knew that Rhysand was not okay.
It kept me from sleep, brows furrowed in thought as I stared at his bare back as he faced away from me and toward the wall. His breathing was even, but I doubted he was really asleep. I leaned forward, pressing my lips between his shoulder blades tenderly. He sucked in a quick breath, but made no other moves. I kissed across his shoulders next, twisting my head to kiss his neck, too.
His shoulders shook silently, and his jagged breathing let me know that he was crying and trying to hide it from me. I didn't say anything, just snuggled closer to his back, wrapping my arms around his middle and holding him tightly, my eyes squeezed shut and stray tears leaking from the corners at the sound of his pain. I kept kissing his back, hoping any of it was a comfort. I didn't know what else to do.
He was still crying a few minutes later, and I sat up to peer over his arm to see his face. He stared blankly at the wall, empty even now, alone with me. What had she done to him? It was like she'd drained him of everything that made him who he was. It fueled a deep and burning rage inside my stomach, the acidic feeling twisting and turning in my gut. I wanted her dead.
"Rhys, honey," I whispered gently, using my fingers to push the hair off of his forehead. He blinked, but made no move to respond or look at me. Okay, then. At least I knew he was listening. "I am so sorry. I know you're in so much pain right now, and I am so, so sorry. Feel the hurt however you need to. I'm not going anywhere. I will be right beside you, waiting when you're ready to talk about it. I will never leave you alone in this. Nothing she did could ever make me feel differently about you. I know who you are. And if all you can do right now is listen to me, then I want you to really hear me."
I sniffled, trying to keep my own composure as he squeezed his eyes shut at my words, tears falling faster than before. But he needed to hear me. I needed him to hear me. "You are a good man, Rhysand. You put your life at risk to save me before you even knew me. You sacrificed yourself to save as many of your people as you could. You bear the brunt of Amarantha's destruction so that no one else has to. You are a good leader, a good friend, and you have glued me back together more times than I can count by now. Lean on me, please. Let me love you in this. I don't want you to hold it alone."
He turned his body, burying his face in my lap as he wrapped his muscular arms around my middle. My fingers twisted in his hair, massaging his scalp. He nuzzled into me. His skin was so warm against mine. He still didn't speak, and I couldn't really blame him, but he was allowing me to comfort him in the only way he could right now. For that, I was appreciative.
I fell asleep with Rhysand in my lap and my head tipped back to rest against the headboard. Eventually, Rhysand woke up and stretched lazily, sighing as he blinked his violet eyes open to look up at me. The faintest tug on the corner of his mouth let me know he was happy to see me.
He picked up my hand, lacing his fingers through mine.
"Thank you," he said hoarsely, pressing a kiss to the back of my hand. I pulled our hands to my own lips, doing the same to him.
"Always," I promised him.
"She figured out about the poison." Rhysand looked at our hands, avoiding my eyes as his cheeks turned pink with anger. "She assumed it was the kitchen staff, and didn't hesitate. I couldn't save them. It was all my fault, and I couldn't protect them." He said, crying again. It was like he couldn't stop. His eyes were puffy and his nose was raw from the amount of times he'd had to wipe it with a napkin.
"Rhys," I shook my head in disbelief. "That is not true. Nothing could have stopped her once she put her mind to something, and if you'd have tried, she would have killed you, too. You cannot protect and save everyone. You are one person. You are exhausting yourself by carrying the weight of everyone's life on your shoulders."
"I dosed the food in the kitchen," he growled in frustration, like he wanted me to be angry with him. He expected it, craved it even. He wanted my wrath because he felt like he deserved it.
"You were trying to help us find a way to kill her so that she can never hurt anyone else like that again," I reassured him, rubbing my hand up and down his arm.
"I'm lost, Feyre," he said, his voice cracking. "I don't know what else to do. I'm so tired. I feel so heavy, and it feels so hard to find the will to even crawl out of bed these days. She took everything from me, and everytime I find hope of escaping her, she makes everything worse for everyone." He sounded truly broken. My heart ached in my chest.
"I know," I soothed, pulling him closer to me.
"Before you came, I-... I was in such a dark headspace that I had started to plan a way to end things for myself. I just wanted to make it stop. I couldn't bear another night with her hands on my body and her tongue in my ear. I told myself I'd jump into the chasm. It would be painful, but I wouldn't be able to change my mind. Once I had gone into the water, I knew I would never come back up. The thought of it soothed my pain for that moment where I imagined it." The thought of him feeling so alone that he would do such a thing sliced my chest wide open and yanked out my heart in a clenched fist.
"I'm so glad you didn't," I breathed, fighting tears of my own.
"So am I," he reassured me, squeezing my hand in his own. "You were what brought me back to life. I felt hope for the first time in over 40 years. Some days, I felt like maybe you were the last good thing I was gifted. That if I had to go, at least I got to spend time with you and know you before I did. That night I came down to see you in your cell for the first time was the night I'd stood at the edge of the chasm. I was ready to do it. I had a whiskey bottle in my hand and nothing to lose. Until I heard you crying. The sound called out to me like you were right next to me. It was the strangest thing. I knew I had to see who you must be, to have gotten into my head so easily."
"Why could I?" I asked.
He shook his head. "I have my theories, but nevermind that. I just wanted to thank you. Thank you for being my friend, Feyre."
"I will always be your friend, Rhys," I said, pressing my lips together in a thin line to keep my bottom lip from wobbling with emotion.
"I have to kill her soon," he swallowed. "I can't let anyone else die. She has to go."
"I will help in any way I can," I added supportively.
"Thank you."
"This isn't just physical," I sighed, rubbing the tears from my cheeks with my palm. He looked up at me, eyes searching my face, his own brow deeply furrowed.
"What?" His voice was small and wary.
"Between us, Rhys," I explained. "What we're doing here is not just sex."
Silence.
"I know."
"You know?"
He nodded.
"Tell me what you're thinking," I begged, hoping to place the pressure on him instead of myself. I couldn't let myself blurt out feelings if they weren't reciprocated. With all the abuse he'd suffered, it wasn't fair to expect anything of him that he wasn't genuinely ready and happy to give.
"I'm thinking, Feyre darling," his eyes flicked up to meet mine from under his lashes, "that if any other man ever touched you, he would no longer have hands. Does that clear things up for you?"
My stomach heated at his words.
"Maybe," I choke out.
He nodded.
"Let me be clearer then," he said, reaching for me. I let him twist us to that I was on top of him, straddling his hips as I draped across his chest, my elbows supporting me on either side of his head. His hands found my hips and drifted down to my ass, pulling me down against him, where I could feel how hard he already was. "You. Are. Mine." He growled the words against my neck as he planted kisses there. I gasped, opening my throat up to give him easier access to those sweet spots his lips and tongue always knew how to find. We were both naked, which meant his cock slid through my wetness immediately. He let out a shuddering groan.
"If someone else touches you ever again, they'll wish they hadn't," I whined against his touch, his hand cradling my face as he devoured my mouth with his own. With his other hand he pushed my hips down as he ground up into me. I moaned as his hardness added such delicious friction between my thighs. Gods, why did that feel so good?
"Gonna keep you so full of my cum that everyone will smell me on you and know exactly who you belong to," Rhys snarled, grinding into me harder. My mouth hung open as I panted for him. He was so hard, the head of his cock pushing against my clit with the perfect amount of pressure with every roll of his hips. The way he was whining underneath me made it evident that it felt just as good for him as it did for me.
He kept grinding against me until my eyes squeezed shut and my breath caught in my throat. As I came, he shoved his cock inside me, feeling me pulsate around him as I rode out my high. The stretch of him heightened the pleasure, and I felt breathless.
"Fuckkkkk," he groaned, gripping my hips to lift me up just to slam back into me even harder, making me whimper. "So tight and perfect."
"You feel so good," I whispered as I started to rock my hips, riding his cock. I moved my hips, finding the movements that made him hit that gloriously pleasurable spot deep inside of me.
"Want you to soak my cock in your cum," he sighed, tipping his head back in pleasure. He looked so pretty like this, underneath me and making such desperate noises. It drove me wild, my speed and fervor picking up as I bounced on his cock, taking him deep.
"Gonna come again," I writhed in his lap, my hips undulating of their own accord as he continually stroked that spot inside me that had me milking his cock all over again as I came.
"Same," he said through gritted teeth, sitting up and wrapping his arms around me as I rode his cock in his lap, feeling his teeth bite down on my collarbone as he came, pumping his cum as deeply inside me as he could. He held me to his chest, rocking me slightly and rubbing soothing strokes up and down my spine.
"Did so good for me, my pretty girl," he murmured against my neck. I hummed with a sleepy smile. I loved when he praised me like this. It made a blush form in my cheeks.
I pulled back and kissed both of his cheeks where the tears had dried on his skin. I looked into his eyes, holding the sides of his face. Adoration in my eyes, I grinned at him. He smiled back to me.
"Rhys, I-... I love you," I whispered, our faces only inches apart.
His eyes blew wide, pupils dilating. He pulled me so hard against his chest that the air rushed out of my lungs. I wheezed out a laugh, holding him back. He murmured inaudibly into my shoulder, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Say it again, please say it again," he said quietly.
"I love you, Rhysand," I repeated, making sure he looked at me when I said it.
"I've always loved you, Feyre," he sighed happily. "I've never even had to try. Loving you comes so naturally to me that I could never deny it. You consume my mind."
I chewed my bottom lip, fighting a big cheesy grin. He kissed my forehead.
"I love you," I whispered into his skin as I cradled my face against his neck. "So much, I love you."
"I love you," he returned.
We cleaned up and laid back down together, both feeling the smallest bit better just to be in one another's arms and be so physically reminded that we no longer had to deal with any of this alone. We had each other.