"We're here."
Silica and Hange stood before the alleged front door of Kenny Ackerman. Curtains draped the windows, and there appeared to be no light coming from inside. Silica chewed on the inside of her cheek as she stared at the numbers on the door that matched the piece of paper in hand. She didn't know whether to knock or turn tail and run. All she could seem to do was root herself in place and stare.
"Silica?" Hange's voice sounded far away, and she didn't feel her as she placed a hand on her shoulder. "Can you hear me? Are you alright?"
The words caught in Silica's throat, and it felt as if her jaw was wired shut. She didn't know what to make of this new found feeling in her chest, but she knew for certain that she didn't like it.
"Silica," Hange tried again, and gave her a gentle shake. "We don't have to go any further."
Finally, after another beat of prolonged silence, Silica finally found it within herself to turn her head in Hange's direction. She was met with a concerned expression, and when their eyes met, Hange offered her a crooked, sympathetic smile.
"It's alright," she encouraged. "Really."
"We..." Silica looked down, unsure. "We came all this way."
"Maybe this is as far as we needed to go," Hange's hand still sat on Silica's shoulder, and she gave it a supportive squeeze. "Maybe if you change your mind later we can try again."
"No," Silica shook her head sternly and faced her father's door once more. She took in a steadying breath. "I have to at least try."
Hange didn't utter a word of protest as Silica walked out from under her hand. She watched silently as Silica slowly approached the door, and as she rose her trembling fist to knock.
Her knuckles rasped against the door quickly, and she took a nervous step back as she awaited an answer. It felt like hours had gone by in just a few short minutes, and as Silica began to hear shuffling from the other side, she found herself suddenly grateful to have Hange standing behind her.
"Who is it and what the hell do you want?" An older man's voice sounded from beyond the door, and the sound of it made Silica's stomach drop.
She blinked, and threw Hange a look. "My name is Silica... Ackerman."
Silica held her breath when there was no response, and just when she thought there wouldn't be, the sound of Kenny's door unlocking made it to her ears.
The door opened slowly, and Silica continued to hold her breath in her lungs as the moonlight illuminated his face. He was significantly taller than she was, appeared to be middle aged, and had dark slicked back hair. He had wrinkles around his piercing eyes and a thin beard lined his jaw and chin. The look on his face was stern, and if Silica didn't know any better, she'd even say it looked as if he recognized her.
"Did you say..." his voice sounded raspy. "Ackerman?"
"Yes," Silica nodded once. "Are you Kenny?"
The man before her was silent again, and slowly his eyes traveled passed Silica toward Hange and back again.
"If you want to talk, you'll have to do it alone." Was his blunt response, and at his words, Silica looked over her shoulder to meet Hange's waiting stare.
"I'll be right out here." She encouraged with a reassuring smile. Her worried eyes deceived her grin, but Silica nodded anyway.
Without another word, Kenny took a step to the side to allow Silica entrance. She stepped inside quickly whilst Kenny shut the door behind her, and watched him tentatively as he motioned for her to sit at the wooden table beside the staircase.
His home was small, and didn't look as though it was lived in at all. There was minimal furniture, of which included an old leather armchair and the table Silica had obliged in sitting at. The counters of his kitchen were barren, and the air smelt of stale alcohol.
Silica watched as Kenny sat in the seat across from her, and the two had neglected to say a word as they stared at each other. The silence felt suffocating.
"What did you say your name was?" Kenny was the first to break it. The look on his face remained the same as it did when he looked at her the first time.
"Silica."
"You're Agnis' kid?" He guessed. Silica was taken aback by his question, but slowly nodded in confirmation.
"She told me where I could find you." She added.
This made Kenny scoff, and he crossed his arms as he leaned back in his chair. "How did you manage to crawl your way out of the Underground District?"
"I was involved in illegal business and was tracked by the MPs until they sent the Scouts after me," Silica summarized briefly. "I've been on the surface a year now."
"How old are you?"
"Thirty."
Kenny was back to silently staring at her. She didn't necessarily know how she felt as she looked back at him. He looked like a stranger, but at the same time all too familiar. She was sure he felt the same way about her.
"Why did you come here?" He asked. His brow twitched. Silica didn't know what to make of it.
She looked down at her hands in her lap at his question. She didn't know how to answer him.
"If it's money you're after you came to the wrong place." He added, sounding snappier this time. His words made Silica's face scrunch up incredulously.
"You live like this and you think I'm here to ask you for money?" She snapped back, scowling. She wasn't expecting Kenny to laugh.
"You're my kid alright," Kenny said, sure of himself. "But I can't say I'm much of a father, back then or now."
His words made her lip twitch with irritation. "And I can't say I disagree. Have you made it a habit to abandon your family?"
Her tone was challenging, and so was Kenny's glare when her question hit the air. When he didn't answer, Silica continued.
"It was me first," she said. "And then Levi, right?"
Kenny's eyes lit up in recognition at the sound of Levi's name. "You know Kuchel's boy?"
"I do," Silica reinstated. "Since we were kids. He said you had some relation to his mother, but he didn't know what kind."
Kenny scoffed. "Cool it, Kuchel was my sister. I only took in the little runt because she died. He would've too if it weren't for me."
"Oh, spare me," Silica rolled her eyes. "What good were you if you were just going to leave him again? He had no one!"
"He had you, didn't he?" Kenny pointed out. The look on his face was hard to decipher and it made Silica angry.
"You know what I meant," she seethed. "You're a deadbeat bastard. You're not sorry at all."
"Why should I be? The two of you seemed to grow into adults just fine without my help," Kenny spoke matter-of-factly. "Listen, I'mma save you the trouble and tell you now that all I'll do is disappoint you, so why don't you ask me what you came here to find out and we can go on about our lives?"
Silica's hands were balled in her lap so tight that she could feel the trickles of blood seeping out from between her fingers. She knew not to expect anything from him, but she didn't know that he would make her so enraged.
"Did you know about me when you left?"
Another look of something Silica couldn't place flashed across her father's face, and this time he was the one to look down. She didn't know what this falter meant, but the anticipation of his answer ate her alive.
"I think I did, deep down," Kenny confessed. "But I didn't leave because of you, I left cuz I shouldn't be anyone's father. Believe me you were better off, and so was that pipsqueak."
Silica's eyes widened at his usage of her nickname for Levi, and suddenly realized all of the similarities she must have had to Kenny without even knowing it. It made a sick feeling settle in the pit of her stomach.
"Are you still in contact with Agnis?" Silica asked thereafter.
"When she first made it to the surface we crossed paths a handful of times," he replied honestly. "I haven't heard from her in a decade or so."
"Alright," Silica released a settling breath. "I have just one more question."
Kenny motioned for her to continue.
"Did you love my mother?"
Her question struck Kenny silent, much to Silica's surprise, but his gaze did not fall from her. She couldn't tell if he was deep in thought or studying her face, but he sat unmoving for a few beats as he mulled over his answer.
"I'm not so sure I'm capable of that."
Silica blinked, and at her lack of answer, he continued.
"I've never been the loving type," he ran his hand over his hair as he spoke. "Don't think I ever will be."
Silica's brow twitched at his words, and she found herself staring at her lap again. Her bloody palms laid open, and she surprised herself when the sting of her tears made contact with her cuts.
"Don't take it personal," Kenny said once he realized her crying. "I'm sure you're... great. Best to keep it that way."
Silica quickly used the sleeve of her waist coat to wipe her face and straightened herself out as she finally got to her feet.
"That's all I needed to know." She said, and didn't look at him as she turned on her heel toward to door.
"I'm sure we'll meet again," Kenny's words made Silica pause in her reach for the doorknob. "Some day."
She clenched her jaw, and without looking back, she threw the door open and walked right passed Hange, whom had to scramble to run after her.
"Silica!" She called after her to no avail. Adrenaline pumped in her veins and her heart jackhammered in her chest as she blindly sped through the streets of Mitras, and only stopped when Hange had grabbed her by the wrist.
The gesture made Silica let out an angry wail, and before she could stop herself, she had winded up her fist and struck the brick wall beside her so forcefully that the stone cracked.
She fell to her knees as she caught her breath, and Hange was quick to kneel down beside her.
"Silica," she said carefully, and placed a warm hand over her's. "What happened?"
"He's everything I thought he'd be," her voice sounded strained as she spoke. "A deadbeat alcoholic loser."
Hange appeared genuinely disappointed for her at the news and placed a comforting hand on her back. "I'm sorry to hear that... think of it this way, at least now you'll be able to move on with your life, right?"
"Yes..." Hange words helped to calm her. "I guess you're right."
"Of course I am," Hange offered a warm smile and pulled Silica to her feet. "Now let's get out of here."
Silica refrained from speaking any more on their journey back to HQ, and Hange did the same. Silica didn't miss her occasional glances of concern as they went, and didn't expect Hange to ride with her all the way home.
"I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning, Silica!" Hange beamed as Silica dismounted.
"Right..." she agreed absently. "And... thanks."
"Hm? For what?" Hange quirked a brow in question.
"For coming." Silica specified, and her gratitude made Hange smile.
"Don't mention it, Sil. Rest up." She said, and with that, she had left for the tree line back to HQ.
Silica watched as she went for some time before finding it within herself to settle Toffee for the night, and once she finished, she was startled to see Amelia standing on the front porch; waiting for her.
"Ama..." Silica, despite the late hour, found herself relieved to see her. "What're you doing out here?"
"I heard your voice from the couch," she replied. "Erwin and I were going to wait up for you, but he fell asleep."
Silica couldn't fight the bubble that had formed in her throat, and her tears had come just as quickly as they did when she was with Kenny. The sight of her silently crying made a flash of worry cross Amelia's face, and quickly she approached her mother.
"Mom, what's wrong?" She asked softly. Silica enveloped her into a hug that was reciprocated immediately.
"I'll never leave you." Silica promised in a whisper. Her words made Amelia tighten her embrace.
"And I'll never leave you." She said softly, squeezing her eyes shut as she felt her mother's body trembling against her.
It was rare for Amelia to see Silica break down, and she struggled to remember the last time her mother was in such an emotional state so openly. It made a foreign, unpleasant feeling settle in the pit of her stomach, and she wished so hopelessly to be able to fix all of her mother's problems for her.
"I know you're scared of a lot right now, Mama," Amelia said without looking up. She felt Silica go rigid. "But I promise you don't have to worry about me."
Silica neglected to say a word in reply, and instead pecked a kiss on the top of her head. They stood there hugging for another moment of silence before Ama finally pulled away to get a look at her mother's face, and the redness of her eyes and her tear stained cheeks broke her heart.
"I'm sorry it had to be this way." Amelia said. Her arms still hung around her mother's waist.
"Me too, kiddo," Silica tried to smile, but somehow it made her look more sad. "But you'll be okay."
"We'll be okay." Amelia corrected, and her sassy tone helped Silica to laugh.
"Right," she agreed, and looped her arm around Amelia's shoulders as they walked toward the front door. "Let's get you to bed."
Amelia followed under her mother's arm without a word, and Silica did her best to steady herself.
This was just one day of many, and now it was time for her to move on to the next chapter of her life. No matter how badly it stung.