N.S
October 18th
"So what's going on with the photography thing you joined?" Indiah asked me as we were at our regular meet up spot between our classes. Today ain't going oh so well for me since I had a test in my first class brand management which was brain squeezing. To make everything more stressing, I had another test for my last class which was Economics.
Before answering her question. I dropped my shoulders and slouched my back as I released a heavy sigh "I quit the second day, yeah it's fun and all but I have too much to do and the club just a waste of my time."
As I finished my response. I looked over to Indiah to see her face held slight concern, "are you okay Dalia?"
The question took me by surprise to be honest. Yeah me and Indiah vent to each other and make sure one another is good but I guess it was the context she decided to ask the question.
Last time I talked to Indiah and Dakota how I felt overwhelmed in a way and how I think what I'm going to school for might not be something I actually want to do.
Now that I'm thinking about, am I okay?
Taking a shallow inhale. I re-faced my best friend, "I don't know to be honest, I guess I'm kind of just going through the motions in a way."
"Is it still your major thing or like— is it something else?"
I looked into Indiah's caring and concerned dark brown eyes before replying. I don't really know what it is that's bothering me, maybe it's a collective of multiple things attacking me all at once pr it could just be one thing I haven't pinpointed yet due to distractions.
I didn't even know I was not okay until the question was asked which was weird. I guess I really have just been rolling with the punches.
"Maybe it's just everything like school and myself and the Dakota thing hasn't made it better, but it's fine I just need to take more breaks and get used to the whole college and adult shit still you know" I released a soft chuckle as I finished my response. Indiah looked at me for a few seconds longer before she let out her own soft chuckle.
"Yeah I get that you been saying that from the get-go, probably my fault for begging you to come with to places my fault Dolly."
Before she can continue on her apologetic rant I quickly stopped her as I shook my head and held up a silencing hand.
"Be for real, it's not your fault and I had fun going out and experiencing other sides of college so don't worry about that."
What I said was completely true. If I hadn't went to the party or skating or even the beach. I probably wouldn't have gotten to know Dakota and me and Indiah wouldn't have gotten to know her friends. The being out wasn't the issue at all but I'll figure out the actual one when I have more time to myself, I feel I've spent so much of my own time thinking about Dakota so much. It's honestly unhealthy now that I'm thinking about it. Hell my thoughts about the girl literally has been silencing my worries about what I actually want to do with my time in school and my career.
Indiah's composure soon returned to its lightness as her eyes softened as well before she let out a more genuine but relief filled laughed.
"Oh fuck, okay good cause I would've hate to have been an enabler or whatever the actual word is to you feeling such a way. I would also hate to have any more outings with my bestie" She shimmied her shoulder into mine with a teasing expression devoting her face and body language. The act causing me automatic joy as I began to laugh. One thing Indiah could do is make me laugh or enjoy myself or something. Even though most of the time she comes off as one way, shes also very considerate and serious as well when needed. I love how she can provide both of those aspects at the right time and when needed.
"You most definitely aren't, the only enabling you do is enabling me to delve into relationship mess" I teased back causing her to roll her eyes playfully. As she was going to say something in reply, I watched as she stopped herself while her eyes was held captive by something behind me which automatically made me turn to sought out what it was.
The something that had reeled in my best friend's sight was no other than Maurice.
I watched as he got closer to our view, helping me out with my poor ass vision so that now I can see that the previous walking blur was fitted in a black polo shirt and light denim jeans with a pair of low blue skel Amiri sneakers that he then paired with two gold chains, a gold watch, and two gold rings that sat next to his fraternity ring.
A few beats later his smirk grew wider as he finally appeared smack in front of Indiah who was spotted in a forced smile.
"Maurice" She stated in a tone that sounded fake happy. I almost wanted to laugh at the scene "what is it that you want?"
Maurice smacked his teeth as he brought a hand to his chin to lightly rub while his lips held a smirk "why you acting like you don't wanna see me huh?" He questioned. It seem like he was tryna be flirty in some weird way. Or maybe that's just how he acts I don't fucking know.
"I'm acting like a person who wanna know what it is you want, walking up on me like this" I watched as Indiah folded her arms against her chest as she looked him up and down with a cocked brow.
Feel like I'm interrupting something
Maurice smacking his lips again caused me to bring my attention back to the pair as I watched him play with one of his locs as he licked his lips, tilting his head to the side in the process.
"What you mean shorty, I walk up on you during practice what's the difference now?"
Indiah audibly scoffed "first off we damn near the same height second off the difference is the field is smaller than this school how you know I was over here?"
"Cause I ask around but man forget all that why you ain't text back yesterday?"
"Because I didn't want to and because you play around a lot, I knew I wasn't gonna be able to take you seriously."
Okay this is most definitely getting too Love and HipHop for me right now. I'm like third wheeling in a fucked up ways
"Not to interrupt whatever this is but imma start making my way over since it's almost time. We'll talk later Indiah."
Indiah brought me into a quick hug "oh for sure, see you!"
I gave her a bright close lipped smile as I gave Maurice a slight wave goodbye to which he just nodded his head to. After the short ending interaction, I quickly made my way to my second class. I was so caught up on what me and Diah were previously talking about and whatever Maurice and her were going through that I didn't even realize how I'll be seeing Dakota in person until I was actually in my seat next to her.
As our professor spoke of the lesson as I was removing my belongings from my tote, I could feel the girls gaze on me. As much as I wanted to look I didn't.
"Now for this topic I want us to go into Race and Identity" the professor spoke as he changed the slide to his next talking point on the screen "more so of African American woman for now, I want you guys to read the book Undeserved Women of Color, Voice, and Resistance and when you are finished I want to 2000 word essay of what it meant to you and what you gathered and relate it to problems you've either experienced or witnessed" As I was writing down notes off his instructions I could still feel her watching me, it was anxiety inducing.
"You guys have a two weeks. Now I posted the PDF version and I want us all to open that up and read the first five pages as a collective and take notes from it."
When he was finished speaking, me and the rest of the students brought up the PDF and waited for him to give more of what was next, but the feeling of my hand being tapped made me lose all focus as I finally looked over at Dakota.
"What? Can you not get into the PDF or something?" I quietly asked. I knew damn well that wasn't it but I just was scared of what she really wants to say. I want to know but I also don't because I don't want to feel any more embarrassment or anxiousness.
"Now you know that's not it Nadalia, I been tryna get your attention since the class started" she said in reply just as quiet. Her face was stoic but her eyebrows was slightly drawn together in her own anxiousness. The observation caused me a confusion.
What could she possibly be anxious about
The sound of our professor's voice and the students that spoke was a mere focus as they were drowned out from my focus now being on Dakota.
Letting out a heavy sigh I decided I'll be mad at myself for giving in later and how even though curiosity kills the cat. Satisfaction brought it back.
"What is it Dakota, we kind of are in an important lecture right now." Even though I wanted to know what she wanted to talk about, I still care about school and I didn't need her distracting me and I end up fucking this upcoming assignment up.
Dakota lightly swallowed as she cracked her knuckles and readjusted the position in her seat, getting closer to me.
"Look, I just wanna say that if it seem like I was ignoring you or some shit I wasn't. Like on God and I can explain why too if you down to give me the time."
I watched Dakota's face expressions the whole time. Watching as they contorted to one's of need, anxiety, and maybe guilt?
I've never seen her look as such before, it's usually me that's a mess by her but it seems I'm in her usual spot and she's in mine. I know it's kind of fucked up for me to think this, but I'm kind of enjoying it.
Alright Nadalia this is not you
Clearing my throat as the thought came and left my mind. I finally replied, "yeah—yeah okay um let me just record this and then we can go out to the hall" she nodded her head quickly as I went to the voice memos app on my MacBook to record anything that I could miss while I'm outside the room.
Even though seeing Dakota in a semi nervous state felt a little good because me being the usual nervous one all the time was tiring and embarrassing, I didn't want her to feel such a thing. I felt cruel for even feeling a prick of.. accomplishment? Or would I say satisfaction. I don't know but I know I didn't like it that much to make her dwell in such a feeling.
Soon after I was getting out of my seat and walking out towards the hallway. Dakota walking out a few moments later. Today she was in a gray Gap sweatsuit with a pair of gray Yeezy Foam Runners and her usual jewelry. She also had her long curls in two side pony's and her eyes were decorated in her usual false lashes and her lips coated in her aquaphor. She looked so comfortable but so cute at the same time.
Alright alright enough with the admiring, we're talking
Right, serious talk. Bringing my eyes from off her and planting them on my red uggs instead, I cleared my throat before I spoke "so uh what did you want to talk to me about?"
I heard the sound of her clothes move as she transferred her hands into her pants pocket.
"Can you look at me Dolly?" Her tone was firm but pleading, as well as a tad bit soft then the usual semi bass it held.
Taking in a breath I finally looked up at her. Her stare never not intense as she walked a bit closer to me.
"Again I wasn't ignoring you, I was goin through some shit with my parents and I'll tell you more about that another time but to keep it short I had seen your message yes, but I was still in the process of some news so when I was in a better mood which was the next day I felt it would've been too disrespectful to reply and I was gonna just tell you about it in person but class was canceled so it was like a weird thing you feel me?" Her hand was now out of her pocket and rubbing her other arm.
I slowly nodded to the information letting her know I got that part and that she can continue.
"So it had nothing to do with you or our.. phone call. Um and then I guess I kinda wanna talk more about that in case that still have you feeling a way when I tell you about my other situation."
The mentioning of our phone call made my heart start speeding as well as the feelings I felt during and after the fact. I'm glad she was able to explain that I didn't do anything wrong, I guess it kind of helped with some stress and overthinking I had. I hope the rest of what she has to tell me will get rid of it all so then I don't have to have this whole situation teetering on my mind and then I can go on to fix the other things that's plaguing it and causing my worries.
"Yeah, I get it I guess Dakota so I'm thankful that you explained that to me, it actually helped with some overthinking I had from it but uh yeah we can talk more whenever just text me when you want and when you're ready." I began playing with my tongue piercing.
Her reactions still cause me nervousness I see
I watched as a small smile graced her lips, "yeah for sure Dolly, so we good right?"
The nickname that everyone and their mothers calls me making me feel tingly and warm coming from her mouth.
"Yeah totally!" I smiled in return. As I thought that was all I started to walk back to the door but was stopped as Dakota softly pulled at my wrist and pulled me into a hug.
Her taller frame against mine as one of her arms curled around my waist and the other around my neck. I was frozen for a minute as I began feeling those damned jumping frogs and butterflies and whatever else that causes thumps and flutters inside my stomach and chest. Once I was semi aware of my awkwardness of not hugging back, I quickly did so as I felt the warmth of her body.
Ugh now imma be really stuck. So much for saying how I wasn't going to have Dakota be apart of my brain's plague.
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-We love a good communication dont we?
-Wonder what's going on with Indiah??