~~~~~~~~~Dipper's POV~~~~~~~~~
For the first time in a while, today had been a day that had been more or less relaxing and without any supernatural surprises. Just us employees sitting around the gift shop praying no customers would interrupt our peace until the end of our shifts.
Even Mabel had been behaving less annoyingly, spending most of the day in a corner with Waddles and occasionally singing at the top of her lungs, which was honestly very mild compared to other days. It wasn't until she came back from a bathroom break that the peace was interrupted by her skipping into the room, singing loudly, and crashing into the door as she screamed, "Braces!! Braces caught in the screen door!! Someone dictate my will!! I'm giving it all to Waddles!!"
I was about to help as I tried not to get a headache when Soos went ahead of me holding a screwdriver, "Say 'ah', girl dude."
Mabel did as told, keeping her mouth opened as Soos untangled her braces off the door. Once she was back on the ground, she smiled at him, "Soos, you saved me!"
He chuckled in response, "Just doing my job, hambone. I'll see you dudes tomorrow."
So we all said our goodbyes to Soos and paid no attention as he left the gift shop. Well, all except for Mabel, who kept her gaze on him from inside. Then she raised an eyebrow and asked, "You ever wonder what Soos does when he's not here at the Mystery Shack?"
"No," (y/n) and I said in unison, followed by Wendy, then Stan.
"Not really."
"Not even once."
I think she question stayed in her mind until the next day, but she didn't bring it up again. Instead, I was unfortunately a witness to one of Stan's eighteenth century toys he still had lying around.
A kid passed by, flicking a nickel and blissfully looking around. That is, until Stan smelled his money and stopped him in place, "Hello!!" The kid screamed as a result, and Stan just went along with it. "Please, don't let my horrible elderly face frighten you! Don't you want to use that nickel to get a nugget from ol' Goldie?!"
He took off the cloak, revealing the statue of a man kneeling down with his mouth open and hand extended forward (though not as dirty looking as it sounds), all tinted in bronze. I think it was meant to be some sort of robot, but even I could tell it was far too yanked now to work.
Still, Stan snatched the nickel from the kid's hand and slipped it into Goldie's mouth. The machine then raised his arm and hat, like a greeting in the old days, but things started getting traumatizing when the eyes popped out of their sockets and oil starting heavily trailing down his face, followed by a scream of bloody murder.
Needless to say, the kid ran away crying, and I just hoped the parents would have enough money to pay for his now needed therapy.
I debated whether or not to make a comment about it, Stan always got weirdly territorial about his merch, so I decided against it. Thankfully, Wendy commented instead, which I was grateful for. "Okay, seriously, Mr. Pines. It's time to throw that thing out! Its face reminds everyone of the inevitability of death."
"What?!" Stan yelled back, "Sure, he's a little rusty around the edges, but old Goldie's a classic showstopper like me!!" He went to rest his hand on the table Goldie sat on, slipping on the oil and making his hand land inside Goldie's mouth and bite, not letting go as Stan desperately hit the robot against the table, "KILL IT, KILL IT!!"
I let out a sigh, already feeling a migraine coming on as I rubbed my temples, when another voice spoke next to me, "Trouble in paradise?"
Glancing up, I saw (y/n) now beside me with his usual smile on his face, holding two mugs of hot chocolate, "Figured you could use one."
His presence was always enough to get me into a better mood, but that was hard to avoid when he always did small but sweet gestures like this. I grabbed one of the mugs, taking in the scent, "I wouldn't exactly call this place paradise. Also," I nodded at the mugs, "You sure? In summer?"
"Hey, it's never a bad time for some hot chocolate."
I rolled my eyes, the smile never leaving my face as I took a long sip. It really did help me cool down, ironically enough.
That's when we both noticed Soos now hiding inside a rack of clothes, a young woman standing nearby. When she walked over to be close enough, Soos popped out from his hiding spot, "Your face is good!! I'm a Soos!!"
The woman, understandably so, dropped the items she was planning on buying and ran out of the store screaming in terror, even punching someone out of the way in the process.
In response, Soos sighed in defeat and sunk back into his hiding spot, with (y/n) and I sharing a glance of confusion before heading over.
"Soos? What was that all about?" I asked.
Soos peeked up at us, "I.. I think that was flirting..? But I'm not sure.."
Mabel then popped out of the barrel behind us, startling all three of us as she smiled brightly, "Did someone say flirting?!"
"Well, I sorta promised my grandma I'd get a date by the end of the week, but I've never actually been on a date before!" After explaining, he took the Out of Order sign from the vending machine and placed it on him, "You belong on me, Out Of Order sign.." then let out another sigh.
Mabel was overjoyed, "Finally, my prayers for a chance to matchmake this summer have been answered!!"
Stan seemed to have been listening to the conversation, since he barged in once he was close enough, "Soos, a little advice, you need to get rich! Or lie about being rich! Outside of that, I don't like your chances."
Wendy rolled her eyes at that, "Don't listen to Stan, dude. You're a sweet guy with a steady job and a pickup truck!"
"Would you date him?"
"Oh, would you, heh, look at that..!" She then hid her face behind a magazine.
(y/n) then looked back at Soos, "She's got a point, you know. I think there's definitely someone out there for you."
"Soos, you help us so much that it's time we help you, dude!" I followed after, "We're gonna get you that date!"
Mabel hugged Soos's face, "We're taking you where romance lives and fashion styles die!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"To the mall!!"
Stan ended up coming along too, but for other reasons, "I'm gonna go find a replacement for old Goldie. Babysit Soos while I'm gone." We nodded as he left.
Mabel was already scouting around, "Alright, Soos, are you ready to explode the charm bomb on these poor unsuspecting ladies?!"
"As long as we could get accused of assault," (y/n) added, looking visibly nervous by Mabel's planning.
Soos was having his own issues, "Uh, but what if I embarrass myself again?!"
Mabel shrugged, "Eh, you can't be any worse at this than Dipper."
"Yeah! Wait, wha-?! I still managed to get a boyfriend, you know!" I argued back.
"He's got a point," (y/n) added in a very matter-of-fact manner.
She ignored us though, blowing on her whistle as loud as she could, "And... FLIRT!!!"
To say that Soos was a hopeless case was an understatement. Forget knowing how to flirt, he needed to learn how to socialize without coming off as a potential murderer! Almost every women he talked to would scream and run away or try to attack him, and frankly, I don't know which is worse for his ego.
After a few hours of this, we ended up sitting in front of Beebly Blop's video game store to try to cheer him up.
Mabel did a round from the gumball machine that gave out toys before walking over to him, "Don't worry, Soos, you'll find the right girl! You just need to.." She opened the fake gumball, revealing a green sticky hand, "Stick with it!!"
It didn't help though, with Soos letting out a sigh, "Could this day get any worse..?" And apparently it could, for a couple that Soos recognized walked past us, "Oh no, cousin Reggie!! He can't see me like this!! I gotta hide!!"
He ended up running into the store in a panic, leaving the three of us outside unsure of what to do. (y/n) rubbed the back of his neck, worry spread on his face, "Poor Soos.."
"There's gotta be a way to help him get a date by the end of the week," I said after, trying to brainstorm.
We spend a few minutes trying to come up with something, anything that had a slight chance of success, before heading into the store to look for Soos. To our surprise, he was sitting against one of the isles, holding a game in his hands. The cover was of a girl in an anime style with bright pink hair and a huge bow, and I assumed right away it must've been some sort of dating simulator.
"Virtually improve your dating skills! Nine out of ten basic dwellers recommend!!" Soos read from the back of the case, "This is perfect!!"
I smiled to myself, "Well, I guess you are better at games than at flirting!"
"Anything to get you out there, Soos!!" Mabel agreed.
The employee at the cashier counter overheard us though, and she didn't seem too thrilled about our decision, "Uh, I don't recommend buying that game. This is the third time someone's brought it back, and there's a note on it that says 'Destroy at all cost'."
"Any more specific feedback about it?" (y/n) asked, both intrigued and worried about this information.
The employee shook her head, "They all just seemed anxious to part from it, left in a hurry after leaving it."
"So hey there, what's your deal? Like a-" Soos poked the cardboard cutout of a woman he was talking to, making it fall over as he flinched at his action, "Oh, she's dead!!"
Mabel looked at the employee with a smile, "We'll take our chances."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We didn't think twice about him buying the game until the next day, when Soos missed work for the first time in his entire life!
We had planned to spend another day at the mall helping Soos, but after waiting an hour for Soos to come to the shack, we got worried. Thankfully we had (y/n) with us, and he knew the town like the back of his hand, so he easily took us to Soos's house. His grandma greeted us cheerfully, and let us over to Soos's room, where he apparently hadn't left since getting home yesterday.
Once inside, the first thing we heard was him laughing, "So that's basically my entire life story! Now you tell me a thing about you!"
"Every time you compliment me, I get another highlight in my eyes!" Another voice spoke from the computer.
"Uh, you're pretty!" Soos said, a gasp following, "And pixel-y!!" Another gasp, "And so agreeable!!" One last gasp, and Soos threw a fist in the air out of triumph, "Yes!!"
"Uh, Soos..?" Mabel interrupted.
He finally noticed us, smiling, "Oh hey, dudes, come in! This game is amazing!! I'm making eye contact, going on dates, and I haven't seen any natural sunlight for thirteen hours!!"
"We can tell," (y/n) said with a forced smile as I kicked away a can in front of me.
Mabel walked forward, "Soos, maybe it's time to play these skills with real girls!"
"But I'm about to meet her parents!!" He leaned over to whisper, "Her dad is an octopus man..!"
"You're starting to freak me out, Soos," (y/n) said before walking over to the window, opening the blinds, "How about we-"
Soos screamed and hissed at the light, hiding under the desk like a cat. I was starting to get tired, so I walked over and grabbed his arm, dragging him out, "We're going back to the mall, man! You need to unplug!"
"I- I'll see you later, •GIFfany!! I'll be back, I swear!!" he yelled as we left the room.
Mabel laughed, closing the door behind us, "Soos, you don't have to wish her goodbye, it's just a game! It's not like it's going anywhere!"
We ended up having to drag a very anxious Soos back to the mall. Once there, Mabel began to look around for any women in sight, "Dang, where are all them sweet honeys at?!" When she saw none, she ran into the girls' bathroom with a megaphone and started bro yell, "IT'S LOVE TIME, GIRLS, GET OUT THERE!! NO TIME TO WATCH YOUR HANDS!! DATE! DATE! DATE!"
As women started running out and screaming in terror, (y/n) and I stared at the scene in disbelief, sigh (y/n) going, "How have we not been alerted to security yet?"
He spoke too soon, cuz just then, a security officer started running over to Mabel, "Aaand right on cue." I turned to Soos, "We'll deal with this. You stay here and and practice on some real women."
It wasn't too hard to convince the security officer we weren't doing any harm, we just had to make sure Mabel would stop harassing the other girls, so we decided to buy one of those toddler leashes, hoping there was one big enough for a twelve year old.
It was then that we noticed Soos riding on a little toy train, the ones you always find in malls for kids that work when you place a quarter or two in. He was laughing along, but when the train stopped moving and he checked his pockets, he grew defeated, "Oh, man.."
From the side, we heard a giggle, "Oh! Sorry," and a young woman walked over to Soos, "Dude, that's awesome that you're a grown man riding a little train like that! You're totally like owning it!"
"Huh? Oh yeah, I'm like if it's fun uh, do it, you know?"
"Exactly! Being an adult is the worst. Skewering meat, remembering to pay bills, I just want to ride tiny trains all day!"
"Well, at least you get to work at Meat-Cute, extreme lunch meat are the food of the future!"
"I feel the same way!! I'm Melody, by the way!"
Soos shook her hand, "Oh, I'm Soos! I tell you, if you like robots for kids you should check out the best restaurant of all time!"
"You mean-"
"Hoo-ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree!!" the two said in synch.
Melody began to fiddle with her light brown ponytail, "What?! You've heard of Hoo-ha Owl's?! I loved that place when I was a kid!!"
"Oh, yeah, dude! There's one right in this mall! I should show you sometime!"
"I'm.. free around eight," she said hesitantly.
Soos smiled, "Boom, done!"
"Perfect! I'll see you then!" She handed Soos two more quarters before walking to the mall exit, giving him one last wave.
Soos waved back, "What a nice lady! Well, back to riding this tiny train for children!"
Before he had the chance though, Mabel tackled him down with all her might, punching his head playfully like some monkey, "WOO!! SOOS!!"
(y/n) and I ran over as I smiled at him, "We saw the whole thing, Soos!!"
"That was amazing!!" (y/n) continued, "You talked to a real girl!!"
"And you got a date!!" I finally added.
Soos raised an eyebrow, "I did?"
"AH, AH!! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!" Then Mabel threw herself into the ground.
(y/n) began to count down some reasons, "You were in the zone, you made eye contact-!"
I accidentally cut in, "It was like you've done this a million times before!! Don't you see?! That game really works!!"
"Yeah, you don't need it anymore!" (y/n) added.
Mabel sat up, "Yeah, you can toss it out!"
"Toss it?!" Soos stood up, his expression serious, "But I like •GIFfany, she's good to me! She's predictable!"
I raised an eyebrow, "Soos, can a computer game go to Reggie's engagement party with you?"
He hesitated to answer, realizing that was the whole point of this mission, so he decided to throw the game out before we met up later. Even so, there was something in my gut that made me feel uneasy..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We waited outside the restaurant with Soos, Mabel couching him on what to do, "You can do it, Soos!! Just remember what your love crew taught you! How does she look?!"
"Nice!"
"What are her stories?!"
"Interesting!!"
"And who's gonna pay for dinner?!"
Soos stood up and yelled, "SOOS IS!!"
"Now date!!" I yelled as (y/n) blew a small air horn, Soos running into the restaurant.
Mabel wiped off a tear, "They grow up so fast!"
We still didn't feel comfortable letting Soos handle this alone, so we got a table right behind them to overhear the conversation. I guess you could consider this spying and an invasion of privacy, but it was for the greater good.
Melody already had a smile on her face, "Man, I could go for some complimentary breadsticks right now!"
Soos chuckled in response, "Um, one time I was so hungry I ate the decorational bamboo sticks at a Chinese restaurant." He paused when Melody had no reaction, then patted his stomach in a singing tone, "Like a big old panda."
She laughed at that, "You are hilarious!"
"Well, you know, I just sorta say whatever pops into my uh.." All of a sudden, he spit out his water and began to choke.
Melody reached over, "Soos, are you okay?"
"NO! I-I'm fine, everything's fine!"
"Are you sure? You're spitting an awful lot!"
"Uh, could you sit tight?! I have to go to the bathroom for a long time! Not in a weird way!!" Instead, he ended up running to our table, looking terrified as he sat down.
Mabel was a bit angry at his actions, "Soos, what are you doing out there?!"
But he seemed really panicked by something, "I got a big problem, guys! I'm being stalked by •GIFfany!"
"•GIFfany?!" we all asked in synch.
"Or maybe it's pronounced •JIFfany? I was never really sure."
"Soos, get a grip on yourself!" I began, "•GIFfany can't stalk you because she's not real!"
"Uh, I wouldn't be too sure about that.." At (y/n)'s words, we turned to him, seeing him point up at the monitors with a freaked out expression. We were all startled to see •GIFfany staring down at us with sadness and rage.
Mabel blinked in adjustment, "Uh-oh."
I leaned over to Soos, "Take it from someone who brought an arcade game to life, this will not end well."
"Don't worry, I'm pretty sure she's stuck on tv screens," Soos explained with a smile, though I could tell he was incredibly nervous.
But what shocked us was the spark of lightning that zapped between any and every electric path, •GIFfany's face appearing in every monitor, even in the Fight Fighters arcade machine.
"Ha!! A new challenger approaches!!" Rumble exclaimed, prepared to fight, "Prepare to be-!!"
She zapped him into oblivion, zooming by more monitors until the zapped disappeared behind the curtain, and we all had a feeling that something awful was about to happen.
Soos rushed back over to Melody, trying to put on his best smile, "So hey, anyway, you wanna move this date into the forest far away from all electronics and people?!"
"What?" Melody looked at the stage with a smile, "But the floor show's about to start!"
The lights turned off and the curtains drew open, revealing the cast of forest-themed humanized animal robots. I think animatronics is the right term? It seemed to be going as planned for the most part, until the owl in the front (the leader, I assume) glitched out and was shut off.
It was the feminine chipmunk robot that rose to life, eyes a bright red as she began to speak, "Hello, friends! Hoo-ha the Owl is dead! This next song goes out to my forever boyfriend, Soos!"
Melody looked at Soos with confusion, "Soos, what's going on?"
"No time to explain, we gotta get out of here!!" He grabbed Melody's wrist and started rushing to the door, the three of us following behind.
I could hear the rest of the audience all running around the place in terror, with •GIFfany's voice yelling from behind, "The only way out, Soos, is in ny arms!!" She then snapped her fingers, and the rest of the robots began to move, "After them!!"
We were almost out the front door when they suddenly slammed shut right in our faces, the five of us all trying to punch it open.
(y/n) then took a step back, his right hand closed into a tight fist, "Okay, stand back!!"
"Sorry, Soos, you can't run away from our relationship!!" •GIFfany yelled, zapping one of the gift machines, which starts spitting out hard plastic balls in our direction.
(y/n) turned ahead, pulling me behind him as he blocked off most of them. They were that thick type of plastic, and a few ended up landing bruises on his bare skin. A few seconds later, Soos pushed down a nearby arcade machine, and the five of us hid behind it.
He then turned to Melody, "So about all this, I may have purchased a dating simulator that obtained sentient and went crazy!!"
"Oh, I am crazy!! Crazy for you, Soos!!" •GIFfany spoke as she made her way over, throwing electric currents over us as we screamed.
Part of Melody's hair was lit up in flames, which Soos quickly helped but out in a panic, "Oh no!! I'm so sorry, Melody!! I'll fix this, it's me that she wants!! I'll distract her while Dipper, Mabel, and (y/n) keep you safe!! It's the only way!!"
He climbed over the arcade machine, with Melody going, "Soos, these are children!"
"THE ONLY WAYYY!!" He ran across the room, avoiding most of the balls being thrown over, "Over here, •GIFfany!!"
"STOP!!"
He avoided as many obstacles as he could, running past the robots and into the kitchen, where we lost track of him.
I turned to the group, "On three we split! One, two-"
Before three, one of the robots broke the machine we were hiding behind, forcing us to run our separate ways as we all got chased by a different one. It didn't take long before I was cornered against a wall by one, with only a nearby crowbar for protection. But before it could launch, its head suddenly flew off as a chair sliced through it's neck, crashing into a pile of boxes. As the body collapsed, I saw (y/n) in a throwing position, then straightened his back as he yelled over, "You okay?!"
"I- y-yeah! Thank you!" I stuttered to get the words out, my face feeling red. I don't think I'll ever get used to his strength.
He smiled, and I think we wanted to say something else, when one of the taller robots suddenly tackled him to the ground, making him scream as he grabbed it by its muzzle to push it back. I yelled his name, running over as I gripped the crowbar for dear life, swinging it into its neck so the curved end would stab into it, ripping out some wires as I pulled it off.
The robot glitched and shut off, (y/n) throwing it to the side with a harsh force before grabbing the hand I offered and helping him stand up. We both glanced at the two broken robots, then looked at each other, when he let out a chuckle, "Call it evens?"
I let out a laugh myself, but another scream grabbed my attention. Melody was fighting off another robot with a chair, only for two others to grab her from behind. (y/n) was already running over to help, but I glanced over at the room Soos had gone into. I could see his silhouette panicking for a while, then a throwing motioned follow, as well as a bloodcurdling scream. That's when all the remaining robots froze as sparks flew out, falling over and shutting off.
The place was a mess, with gears and wires spread all over, pieces of furniture broken or burned, but at least we were all okay. Soos ran over us and explained what happened, how •GIFfany wanted to transfer his consciousness into the game with her, and how he'd thrown her game disk into one of the pizza ovens and letting it burn, burning her consciousness wit it.
Ten minutes later, the fire department arrived, and we were left by the entrance with water bottles and blankets to heal. Soos sat beside Melody, letting out a sigh, "I'm sorry for all this, I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid."
"Believe it or not, I've been on worse dates."
"Really?!"
"Never date a magician," she said with a glare.
"Ew, why would I?" Melody playfully smacked Soos's arm at his answer, the two laughing as if we hadn't just been attacked by ten robots. But hey, I guess we're all used to the usual monster attack per week.
"Oh hey!" Soos lit up, looking down at her, "You wouldn't maybe be interested in coming to my cousin's engagement party in a week? I promise there's like zero robot badgers!"
She laughed at his comment, "Yeah, I'll still be in town then!"
"Still be in town?"
"I'm going back home to Portland in a few weeks, but we can video chat if that's okay with you."
"A relationship with a girl that I can only see through my computer.." He then smiled, "Sounds perfect!"
The three of us had moved to hide behind some bushes to let them have their moment, where Mabel watched her work proudly, "Spirit of love, we did it!"
Soos's grandma then popped up from inside the ball pit, "Yes, yes, I am so happy!"
I raised an eyebrow, "Have you been following us all day?"
"Soos's life is my soap opera."
"She has a point," (y/n) glanced down at me, "We did just spent the last two days trying to matchmake him.
I chuckled, "Fair." Then my cheeks heated up as (y/n) wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up like a sack of potatoes, "H-hey-!!"
"C'mere, mi amor!"
Next thing I know, I hear several snaps from the side, seeing Mabel with her camera and a bright smile, "I never miss a chance, brother!"
"Wha- no- hey-!!" I grew darker as (y/n) pressed a kiss to my cheek, "(y/n)-!!"
But it worked out for the best, cuz I ended up framing that last picture, now keeping it on my nightstand.
Thanks for reading!!! 'Till next time!!!
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