Scotlynd shifted on her feet as the morning air dressed her. The temperature was so low that she felt that she was breathing in ice and exhaling the smoke. It was also metaphoric of her heart, that once beating tunnel of heat had been doused out with the water of lies. Her hands rubbed over her cardigan briskly as she leaned against her car.
"Scottie," the voice shrieked.
She turned her face towards the voice and felt a body full of joy, seeing Akoni running towards her. His tawny skin, and the slightest crack in his front tooth showed the boyish smile that she loved and craved so much at that moment. Scotlynd knew if there was one person of the male gender who would never disappoint her, it would be her baby brother. She jogged towards him, slightly tackling his small body and holding him like she never wanted to let go. Her head nestled in the small of his shoulder as she breathed him afraid of letting go of his scent.
Akoni giggled in her arms as they embraced. "Scottie, I can't breathe," he laughed. "You're squishing me."
"I'm sorry," she sniffled, wiping the tears that just wouldn't seem to stop falling. "I'm sorry," she said, as she wiped her face and grabbed him again. "Let me look at you." Her hand trailed his face, savoring his touch. His puffy cheeks had slimmed and he was taller. That little boy was slowly transforming right before her.
Scotlynd looked up as she heard the clacking of heels and was met with her mother's face. She stood and wiped the slight dust of the ground from the knee of her pants. Their stare was intense like the two didn't know how to be around each other. It had been years and there was no telling when their relationship would just become natural. Scotlynd knew she gave Londyn her bare minimum, but Londyn could only fault herself because it was what she accepted. What she allowed.
"How was your flight?"
"It was good, smooth for the most part. Not as scary for my first time flying," Londyn answered.
Akoni smacked his teeth. "Un uh, Mama lying Scottie. She practically squeezed my hand off," Akoni argued.
"Boy hush! Scotlynd, how are you, baby? You look good," Londyn smiled.
"Thanks... So, no Zahir." Scotlynd tried to control the annoyance on her face when Londyn said no. He was what kept them glued together, who was the strong force that kept them from their demise over the years. Scotlynd gave a tight smile and walked over and grabbed the bags from her mother placing them in the trunk. The ride was quiet for the most part besides Akoni and his TikToks.
Scotlynd bolted for the door as the car inched to a halt, but Londyn reached out and grabbed her. She wanted to snatch away but didn't want to be disrespectful in front of Akoni. Because although she may not have had the best relationship with her mother, she didn't want him to think it was okay for him to do. She sat quietly with slit eyes, as she watched her brother open the door and practically dash to the storefront.
"Akoni! Wait right here," Londyn called.
He pouted, stomped his feet, and crossed his arms as he stood impatiently. Scotlynd turned her head as the swift giggle passed her lips.
"Scott— Scotlynd," Londyn paused, correcting her words. "I—I don't want. No, I can't allow us to go on like this. Baby, we barely talk and when we do it's like it pains you to speak to me. I've made my share of mistakes, I know I have but I'm trying. Scotlynd I'm trying to write a wrong right that caused so much pain. I hurt you more than my words can ever express and I'm sorry. I know I'm not worthy of your forgiveness but I'm asking, no, I'm begging," Londyn croaked with tears pouring out.
Scotlynd almost scoffed at her pathetic attempt at reconciliation. Truthfully, she didn't hate her mother, she just didn't know how to love her. She sat back in the seat crossed her arms and looked forward. She was holding onto all the air in the car and with one simple pull she could deflate the room. To tell her it was too late for them when she came back those years ago. Scotlynd's nose wrinkled as she tried to hold back her tears as her mind was invaded with miserableness. So many memories that her mother missed. Her first crush, her first period, losing her virginity, facing her first heartbreak, and so much more. If there was such a thing as a Time Machine, she wondered if Londyn would change the course of history. Love her a little longer, hold her, fight for her.
"I said I forgave you. We don't have to keep doing this every time we see each other," Scotlynd said with a sigh. "It's chilly out there and Koni doesn't need to be—"
"And you lied. You didn't forgive me, you never did. I don't think I blame you. I wanted so much for you to welcome me back with open arms and I didn't think of you. Scotlynd it seemed like I never thought of you. When you called me and told me that you couldn't," Londyn looked out the window choking on her words. "That you couldn't have children, I felt something die inside of me... Scotlynd when I felt held you, I felt like God had sent me an angel when I needed one the most. You were so beautiful, so fucking beautiful. Scotlynd I love you, and I know my actions may make it hard to believe" Londyn swiped her eyes as she stared at her hands trying to contain herself.
"I love you so much, to the point I had to walk away. I thought I could fight that monkey on my back, but when... When I saw you with that needle. It was in your tiny hands, so damn close to piercing your skin. That dirty fucking needle. I knew I couldn't." Londyn shook her head as her eyes stormed. "That ride I was on, baby I couldn't bring you for the ride."
"But you got clean! You got and never came back, you never fucking came back. Do you know how it felt to have no one, Mother's Day, Father's Day, or holidays? People laughed at me! I used to be so embarrassed when Paw Paw and Maw Maw used to show up at parents' events. And I couldn't figure out why... Why should I have been embarrassed by the people who have been there for me, good or bad."
Scotlynd was having an internal battle that was preventing her from speaking her truth. It was never in her character to speak down or hurt someone. But Scotlynd was losing control of herself. Physically her hands shook as she stared into the parking lot.
"I had so many questions, Maw Maw could only answer so much, I needed you. I needed my fucking mother! I needed you more than you ever could understand," she whispered hoarsely. "But I forgive you, I do. I swear I do. Not for you but myself. Because hating you is too heavy for me to carry."
Scotlynd pushed the car door open and hustled to the other side to grab her brother's hand. Akoni was staring at her hard, trying to decipher her face.
"What's wrong Scottie?" He asked.
"Nothing wrong with me big head," her hands roughed the top of his head causing a ripple of giggles.
"Stop, you're messing up my hair," he huffed. "I got to look fresh, you never know if I'ma find me a lil' yea yea outchea."
She stopped and turned to look at him and busted out in laughter. "A what? Koni, you're 10."
"Almost 11," he corrected.
Scotlynd rolled her eyes. "Still too young to be thinking about little girls," she said as she pulled the cart and began walking towards the frozen aisle.
"How old were you when you had your first lil' boyfriend?"
She paused as she held the bag of frozen vegetables in her hands. Thoughts of Sevyn rushed through her mind, and when she first gazed into his pretty eyes.
"Tessa, I don't get why you want to sit out here. The sun is killing me," Scotlynd murmured as she held her hand as a visor from the sun. She followed behind her cousin and her friends as she rolled her eyes the deeper they moved into the crowd. Bodies bumped into each other as people stood skin to skin to gather close to the court.
"Let's sit there," Tessa said, pointing to the front seats of the bleachers that were unoccupied.
The front. Front and center. Scotlynd hated it. "You don't want to sit somewhere further back? Tess, you don't know one thing about basketball." Tessa smacked her teeth and Scotlynd dropped her head and followed behind. Tessa looked back at her cousin and gave her a reassuring smile before running to take the seats. Scotlynd walked behind the trail of girls and took a seat towards the end. She lifted her face with the palm of her hand while her arm rested on her knee.
"Y'all see Sevyn? That nigga is fine as shit," Gia cooed. "My mama said his daddy, that nigga was what all the females talked about back in the day, Shit if that's the son I can only imagine the daddy." She stood and screamed his name waving her hands and trying to catch his attention. Scotlynd's face reddened in embarrassment as people began to look in their direction and whisper. When he looked their way and winked at Gia, Scotlynd felt the wind rush past her. She saw what all the girls in the city were talking about. Sevyn Watson.
"Girl sit down," Tessa grabbed Gia's arm and pulled her down with a thud. "I told you that boy is not checking for you."
"Just like Julz ain't checking for yo ass," Gia cut back. Tessa rolled her eyes at her words before shifting in her seat to try to watch the basketball game. The tip of saying something smart was on her tongue but when Julz hit the three-pointer kissed his two fingers and pointed at her all she could do was a smirk. "Yeah, not checking for me at all."
The court was lively, people lingered as if this was a real basketball game and not some kids from around the wayside playing ball. However, the boys were playing with expert skills from handles to dunks. Tenseness on the court was at an all-time high because Sevyn was uncontrollable on the court. No matter who stepped in front of him, they ended up left in the dust. Everyone watched with big eyes as he juked the young boy making his ankles lock up and landed a smooth three-pointer.
"Scottie, let's get some popcorn?" Tessa asked.
The tingle in her stomach prompted her to decline because she hated walking past crowds of people. The snickers about her skin, or the way she dressed were always so loud. Scotlynd swallowed and stood following her cousin's shadow closely.
"Tessa, what's up with cho ass," a light-skinned man said, causing her to stop. Scotlynd rolled her eyes and turned to face the court wrapping her arms around herself. Her glance went from them and the court.
"The damn sky, 'cause ain't shit up between us," Tessa snapped back. The 19-year-old grinned as he rubbed his sparse facial hair while taking in her young frame.
"Nigga thats jail bait," his homebody laughed.
"Listen to you friend," Tessa told him and turned until he intercepted her arm.
"Do you see me worried about that shit?" he asked seriously. He stood, towering over her small frame, and reached into his pocket peeling a couple of bills from the thick roll and tucking them into the back pocket of her shorts, letting his hand linger for a moment. He smirk and sat back down.
Tessa smiled before digging the bills out of her pocket and slamming it back into his hand. "I'm not like these naive bitches out here. I can't be brought. I'm not interested." Scotlynd placed her hand over her nose as she tried to discreetly hide her laughter.
"BALL," someone screamed out, but it was a moment too late to stop the damage of the collision. Scotlynd tumbled back as her hands shot to her nose as blood poured from her. The throbbing and swelling had her bent over and in tears.
"Shit." the voice muttered.
"Nigga you don't know how to fuckin' pass the ball?!" Sevyn pressed as he jogged over to her. Scotlynd tried to step back when she felt his hands touch her. "I'm good!"
Sevyn pulled the towel from his pocket and wet it with water, bending until he was at eye level with her. "Let me see," he demanded.
"I said I'm fine!"
"And I can fuckin' tell you not. Now let me help yo stubborn ass," Sevyn returned. Scotlynd looked up slightly and saw the glimmer of gold looking right at her.
Her eyes fluttered as she pulled herself from that memory lane. She looked over at her brother and saw him studying her facial expression, and Londyn as well out the corner of her eye.
"15."
"Where is he now? All still together? You love him, Scottie." Akoni was firing off questions quicker than Scotlynd could process them. Sevyn had consumed her heart, he had stolen all her love. Life without him wasn't one that she wanted to live at a point in time. He had been her best friend, her confidant, the love of her life. There wasn't an on and off switch for those feelings and if there was she wasn't sure that she would turn them off. Those days, no years without Sevyn she felt like she was drowning. Some days she wished she could make herself get over his disloyalty, but it was almost impossible. Just as she wouldn't expect him to just get over hers.
"Akoni, I know you want some snacks. Go grab something baby.," Londyn softly said as her eyes glanced sympathetically at Scotlynd's tears. When Scotlynd felt her arms around her she sobbed harder than the thunder of storms. They held each other as their souls wept.
Londyn moved the strands of hair from Scotlynd's face and lifted her chin. "It'll get better baby, it will hurt less. Those Watson men... they can make you feel like you are the sky and moon. But when they don't." Scotlynd clung tighter to her mother because she didn't need to hear the rest to know exactly what she meant. She was a living testimony. She tried to sniffle back her tears but she had opened floodgates that wouldn't close.
"I have to let him go," she whispered. "This ain't living..."
Who would've known, that you'd have to go
So suddenly, so fast?
How could it be that sweet memories
Would be all, all that we'd have left?
Syrai held the bag of plastic in her hand, fingers twiddling over it and battling herself to open it. All these months she hadn't even thought of it, but as fate would have it, the temptation was placed right into her hands. She bit the inside of her cheek as tears rushed her. The urge was so intense that she felt herself caving. Just as she could feel the rush through her nostrils.
No Syrai, don't do this shit she told herself as the baggy unclasped. As strong as she portrayed herself to be, this small substance had deeply rooted itself into her life. When she was alone, it overtook her mind. It had stolen her spirit. How it slipped into her bag yesterday during the club she would never know. She had spent the last hour wagering herself to just flush it.
"God," she cried as her hands shook and her heart shattered. Syrai cried so hard that her tears hit the photo frame that had the powder spread across. The hunger she had for this was more than any food she had ever had. She swiped her hair from her face and stared down at what haunted her mind.
"No," she told herself. Syrai stood with the picture frame in her hand and rushed to the bathroom swiping the substance down the toilet. The glass frame dropped, shattering around her as she slid down the wall holding onto her legs as she tucked her legs between. Her grief didn't last long before a pool of nausea knocked her down and she moved swiftly to the toilet seat as she released all her stomach contents. Tiredly she let her head slump against the toilet.
"Syrai! Girl what are you doing in there? Glass breaking and shit. That bet not be my good china," Tirion called from the door.
She groaned as she lifted her head from the toilet to speak but just collapsed from weakness. "Tirion, bring me water please." Syrai's hand flew to her nose as she wiped the sweat droplets that formed there.
Tirion stood by the door crossing his arm with a smirk. "I told you Syria, I told yo ass. You can't hang with the big dawgs, now look at yo ass."
Syrai took the water and gargled it with a spit before taking a swig. She turned her head to the side and stuck her middle finger at him. Tirion helped her from the floor and across the glass so that she wouldn't harm herself. She laid on the bed with this pinging pain, that just wouldn't go away.
"You okay? You look pale babe," Tirion said as he walked towards her and pressed his hand against her forehead, feeling for a fever.
She swatted at his hands. "Tirion get off of me," she laughed. Tirion flicked his invisible hair before falling next to her. Both bodies sighed as they lay next to each other. She moved her hand over until it found him and grasped tightly to his hold. "Thank you," she whispered.
He rolled onto his side propping his head up as he stared back at him. "You don't need to thank me, girl, that's what best friends are for."
Syrai's face cramped as she tried to swallow the tears that had her hemmed up on the inside. Tiron thumbed away the one that escaped and pulled her into a hug. "In every battle, know that I'm always on the front line for you."
"Look at you always tryna cop a feel," she blurted in tears, laughing that God had brought her a soulmate in the form of a friendship. Tirion could feel her pain from her words. He was a wordsmith of all things Syrai. If no one knew the real her he did. The girl loved dolphins so much that at one point she thought she would be a Marine biologist. His Syrai volunteered with Uniquely YOU, a nonprofit for underprivileged black girls. His ears had become her diary that held her darkest secrets. He had been just what she needed and so was she.
"Tirion, why are you crying," she asked with surprise.
He smacked his lips before dragging his hands across his eyes. "Bitch, you know I don't cry. I just sprinkle a little."
She lifted her body until she was looking directly at him. "I thought bad bitches don't cry..." she paused as her phone began to ring. Her eyes shot around looking for it, before she pulled it from the pillow and answered. "Hello?"
"Hello, This is Nurse Austin from Silver Peak Hospital. I'm calling to reach Syrai Watson, you are named as a patient emergency contact..." Syrai gripped the phone tightly as she listened with piqued interest.
"To a Saide Watson?"
"Yes," she breathlessly answered. "She is my mother."
"Ma'am I'm sorry..." Syrai didn't allow her to finish the words as her sobs drowned her out. Her head shook, fell back, and started all over again. The air wasn't coming, her chest was moving rapidly. Syrai thought that if she never let her finish her words, it wouldn't be true. "Don't say that. Don't fuckin' tell me that," she screamed back into the line.
"I'm so sorry Ms. Watson." The nurse sorely said. The phone fell from her hand and she stared blankly at the wall as the world began to slowly move around her as she sat in a trance. Saide had never been the kindest or held an interest in anything Syrai, but that was her mother. Her one and only. Even with her wicked soul, she was still hers. Syrai was made from her limbs. The last piece she had left on this earth.
God, that was cold. So cold she whimpered in thought.
Tirion picked up the phone and talked to the nurse as he watched Syrai have a manic episode right before him. She outstretched her hands and watched as they shook in front of her. The longer she sat the more she couldn't control herself. Syrai jumped from the bedroom and rushed towards the front door with Tirion screaming her name from behind her. No shoes, nothing but the pain in her chest.
"Ma'am," ongoers called as she pushed through the city crowd barefoot. She didn't stop running until she made it to an empty alley and crumbled to the ground. Her screams were soul-deep as she lay in agonizing defeat. Somehow she felt this was her fault, that her sins had brought forth this distress. As she lay alone in that city alley, all she could think about was how lonely she was already and how much it hurt that without Sadie's presence, she wouldn't feel that much more alone. She wanted to feel completely tore apart like with her father. And that guilt, was eating her alive.
"Mommy, I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry, please. Don't take her from me. I have nobody... I'll have nobody," wailed "Please, don't leave me here all alone."