I was sitting in my bed on Friday night, waiting to ask Soonyoung or Jeonghan if Chan was still at Tiger Pounce so I could go get him. No one answered me so I walked into the living room to ask Joshua if he had heard from anyone.
I looked around the dark living room and kitchen before checking Joshua's room. He's not here. Well where did he go? Why isn't anyone answering me? I decided to shoot him a text.
"Where are you? Can you ask Jeonghan if Chan is at Tiger Pounce? I tried to text him but he's not answering and it's getting late so I want to make sure I go walk him home if he is."
I waited for a bit before he responded.
"Jeonghan and Chan are with me right now at Stray Kids, we're watching 3racha!"
Without me? I guess that's okay, but why didn't Chan answer and tell me he wasn't at Tiger Pounce? The next thing I saw illuminated the dark living room as I sat down in the couch, my body sinking as my heart followed it.
It was a picture of Joshua and Chris, which was cute, but the picture beside it had my full attention. Chan standing against Changbin, leaning against him and a blush on his face. He looked happy.
Seungkwan told me he was clingy with friends but, since when was he such good friends with Changbin that he was that friendly?
Stop being so jealous Hansol. He is not yours. He doesn't belong to you. He can be clingy with Changbin. Maybe he likes him? What if he does?
Still looking at the picture I responded, "Oh, okay. Have fun, if you need someone to come get you, give me a call."
The feeling in my chest started to physically hurt as I finally tore my eyes away from the picture, turning off my phone and throwing it to the side. I leaned back against the couch as I closed my eyes, sighing heavily before starting to speak to myself.
"Hansol Vernon Chwe. You love him. You absolutely love him. And he probably doesn't love you back. He's so sweet and amazing... I want him to be happy. If he likes Changbin... I'll just get out of his life so he doesn't have to deal with me being in love with him. Anything for him to be happy. You don't own him. You are not his boyfriend. You can't be jealous. You're not allowed to be fucking jealous!!"
I sat in silence after I yelled out, opening my eyes and sitting in the darkness, staring up at the ceiling. After I calmed down a bit, I heard my phone go off.
I opened it and saw a message from Chan. Maybe I'm overreacting? I opened the message and immediately felt a lump in my throat.
"I have a confession. I like a rapper I saw perform at Stray Kids."
I paused, starting to type, deleting it and typing it again and again as tears welled up in my eyes. I decided to just not say anything, throwing my phone back down and shoving my face in my hands as I sobbed into them.
I knew it. I knew he liked Changbin. Why would anyone like me? I'm not buff. I'm not that attractive. Jennie was right. No one will ever love me. My mom was right too, I'm not good enough for anyone. It was too good to be true to think that someone like Lee Chan would actually love me. Joshua, Seungkwan, and Jeonghan... All of them lied to me... And Joshua and Jeonghan are with him!! They took him to see the guy he actually likes.
Is this pay back? Punishment for dating Jennie when they didn't like her? Punishment for how I acted after she ended it? Did they bring Chan here just to break my heart and actually make me leave this time?
My dad was right... This profession is stupid and I'll never do good at it. I'm not as good as Changbin. I'm never gonna be big. I'm never gonna be loved.
I got up, taking my phone and throwing it on my bed, locking my room door to keep Josh from seeing me before flopping down onto it. I grabbed my phone and opened a picture. A picture I secretly took the other day when Chan borrowed my shirt. Was it creepy that I took it? Maybe... But he just looked so cute. I stared at it as I cried, the tears soaking my pillow.
"Lee Chan... I love you so much..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"HANSOL VERNON CHWE WAKE YOUR ASS UP RIGHT NOW WE HAVE A SHOW TODAY AND YOU HAVE TO GET READY!!!" Joshua yelled as he banged on my door, waking me up.
I sat up slowly, wiping my swollen eyes, speaking out with a hoarse voice, "Josh, I don't think I can perform today, I feel really sick..."
"Woah you sound sick. Let me in?"
I got up, sighing and unlocking the door, slowly cracking it open.
"Holy shit Vernon, you look horrible!" Joshua said, opening the door and putting his hand on my forehead, "Are you running a fever??"
"I don't think so but I feel like I'm gonna puke..."
"No wonder you were in bed when I came home from Stray Kids last night..."
Suddenly the image of Chan with Changbin crossed my mind and my stomach dropped again, so much so as I looked into Joshua's eyes that I ran to the bathroom, slamming the door shut and falling to the floor as I actually puked.
Once I felt like I was done I stood up, opening the door to a worried Joshua.
"That's it, I'm calling Chris and Seungcheol. We can't perform with you like this. You need to rest. Get back in bed, I'll make some soup and get you some medicine."
I slowly nodded and made my way carefully into my room, laying back down and feeling my phone vibrate as the band chat got messages, Joshua saying shows cancelled I'm sick. Everyone chimed in, saying it's okay, get rest, they hope I feel better soon.
How long does it take to heal from heart break?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After staying in bed sleeping and loathing all day Saturday with not a single message from Chan, I woke up late on Sunday and felt physically good enough to get out. I told Joshua I was going to Stray Kids to apologize to Chris for yesterday, which I was going to do, but I was really going to talk to Changbin.
After some convincing he finally let me leave and I made my way to the bar, not driving carefully at all as I decided maybe if something happened it would solve everyone's problems since that's all I am, a burden.
I walked in and looked around, seeing less of a crowd than on Saturdays. I looked at the stage and saw a sign that said "Karaoke Night! Sign up here!"
No one was currently singing so I walked up, writing my name on the super short list. That's when I spotted Chris. I made my way to him and gave him a sheepish smile as we made eye contact.
"Vernon! How are you feeling!"
"Better today... I don't know what happened yesterday... I'm sorry we had to cancel on such short notice..."
He gave me a soft smile and patted my head, "Hey mate, it's okay! We just let Felix, Hyunjin, and Minho perform some dances and stuff. No harm at all!"
I gave him a small smile and nodded, "Good, I was worried we had left you with nothing... I didn't wanna hurt your business!"
"No, of course not! There's always something we can put on here! All I care about is how you're feeling! Your health is more important than entertaining some bar goers."
I slowly nodded, "If you say so... I signed up for karaoke, since I missed singing yesterday."
"Oh that's great! We'll do whatever you want! Most of the time there's not many people signing up until later. Go talk to Han or Changbin and they'll get you set up. Everyone on the list already sung." He said with a wide smile, showing off his charming dimples.
"Perfect! I'll go see them after I get a drink."
"Enjoy! You know where to find me if you need me!" Chris said, waving as he walked away.
I looked around, seeing Changbin behind the DJ system on the stage. I let out a sigh as I walked over to the bar, sitting down as Hyunjin made his way over.
"Feeling better today?"
"Much... Thank you. Can I get some white rum and coke? Only a little bit, I have to drive home." I said, thinking they would tell everyone if I got black out drunk here and slept in my car... Plus I know how mad they got when I used this as a coping method before. I didn't want to burden anyone anymore.
He nodded and grabbed a cup, filling it before sitting it in front of me.
"So, what do you know about Changbin? Is he single?"
Hyunjin snorted, "Why, you interested?"
"No, but I think someone I know is..." I mumbled out sadly.
"He's very single. I don't think he likes anyone though."
I just nodded, looking over at him, "Well... Who I think likes him... Could probably win him over... They could win anyone over..."
"Well, maybe you should tell him then?"
"It's not my place..." I said before gulping down the drink, sitting the empty cup down and feeling warm as the alcohol hit my throat, "Anyway, I gotta sing. See you later Hyunjin." I got up quickly and made my way over to Changbin.
I had planned on asking him his feelings for Chan. I won't come out and ask if he loves him but...
"Hey Vernon! Good to see you around here! Feeling better?" He asked, smiling at me.
Of course Chan would like him. He's charming and sweet.
"Much better, I'm here to do some karaoke, and ask you a question!"
"Oh? Shoot, what's your question?"
"Are you friends with Chan?" I asked, looking away.
"Yeah! Of course!" The smile on his face made my chest hurt.
"Do you like him?"
"Of course I do! He's sweet and adorable!"
I looked over at him and nodded, "Yeah, he is... So, can I do the song 0X1 = LOVESONG, by TXT?"
Changbin looked through the computer for a second before nodding, "Ready to go whenever you are!"
I sighed softly as I walked up to the mic. It feels lonely without the band. I swallowed as the song started.
"I know I love you."
As I continued to sing I thought about Chan, internally dedicating it to him.
"Now I can't stop thinking 'bout you
When I'm sinking alone."
Chan is always on my mind.
"Till the end of the world
All or nothing, I want all of you
I know I love you
Say you love me, say you love me
Till the end of the world"
I would do anything to have Chan tell me he loved me.
"All or nothing, I give all of you
I know I love you"
I love Chan.
As the song ended I let out a small sigh, stopping the tears that threatened to fall as I went back to Changbin, "Anyone next?"
"Still all you! Go ahead! What's next?"
"Loser Lover..."
"You're on a TXT kick huh?"
"Yeah, you could say that..."
Changbin smiled at me, "They're definitely really good. It's all set! Go ahead whenever you're ready!"
I smiled back and nodded, going back to the mic as the music started.
"I'm a loser..." I am. That's why no one likes me.
"In a car colored gray I'm running away
Beyond this fucked up world
My hand clutching yours, it's all banged up
It doesn't matter when I'm with you."
Chan made all of my problems disappear... Now they're all crashing back down. Memories of my childhood and Jennie came rushing through my mind.
"Couldn't win, fighting, bleeding, losing, and now I'm sick of it
If I can't have it I fuckin' keep it low
Crying, crying, crying, forget it now
Love you, love you, love you
No matter what I do"
I felt my eyes water as I screamed along, letting out all of my emotions.
"Time to say goodbye to tears
Run
Never look back."
As I sang that line I realized I was crying, immediately willing myself to stop as I started feeling angry. I loved Chan so much and he lead me on. All of my friends thought he liked me. Did they help him? Was everything a prank?
As the song ended I walked off without a single word, grabbing my jacket and going out to my car, making my way home as I frowned, a song idea bouncing in my head, already humming the melody.
"I'm super fiiine, don't need you anymore..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday came and I didn't go get Chan from Tiger Pounce. Soonyoung messaged asking if I was and I said no, I was busy. I'd never say this to Soonyoung but if he wants someone to walk him home, why doesn't he call Changbin...
I've been working on my song all day. I'd already told Josh about it. I told him I needed help singing it. I wanted to have it done by the next practice.
It's now Tuesday and we have practice tomorrow.
I was working on one last line when I felt my phone vibrate. It was the group chat. I still hadn't heard from Chan.
Soonyoung: We added some cute decorations to Channie's locker! A cute little otter label with Dino on it!
Minghao: And it's stuffed full with more clothes and decor!! ;3
Chan: Oh! I can't wait to see it all! Thank you guys so much! :3
He seems happy...
Jeonghan: You'll be able to see it tonight!
Chan: Oh... I'm actually busy tonight, sorry guys 😅
Busy? With who? Did he have Changbin over? Shut up Hansol.
Minghao: Oh? But we're not doing anything? Are you hanging out with other friends?
Chan: Not really friends... I'm just hanging around my place tonight.
Mingyu: Oh, around your place huh 😏
Seungcheol: Shut up Mingyu. Leave the baby alone.
Chan: It's nothing like that!
At that I muted the chat, throwing my phone across the bed and getting the idea for my last line.
"You're doing good without me baby... I'm super fine, don't need you anymore..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday is here and band practice is in a few minutes. No one has heard the song yet, but it was done. Once we all set up, they looked at me.
"So where's this new song that's so important we have to learn and perform it on Saturday?" Mingyu asked annoyed.
"It's easy, trust me. Here, I have a demo recorded." I mumbled before I started playing it.
They all listened intently and nodded as it ended. Seungcheol and Wonwoo clapped. Joshua gave me a look.
"Redemption song? Could this be about a certain someone?"
I nodded.
"Yeah!! Fuck Jennie!" Mingyu yelled, hopping up and down before he started playing his part since I had sent them each the music parts a few days ago.
Well, that's not the someone I thought he meant, but okay. Probably best they don't know what's going on with Chan and I.
"And you want me to sing part of it with you?" Joshua asked, walking up to me and giving me a look.
"Yeah... I don't think I can do it alone... Plus it's in English." I mumbled, looking down.
"I'll do it Solie. You're not alone." Joshua said, putting a hand on my shoulder and giving me a smile.
I gave him a small smile and nodded. Everyone started playing and I pointed out all the parts I wanted Josh to sing. He did so perfectly and it all fell together just fine.
After a few hours of practicing the new song and a few of our others, we decided to pack it up. Seungcheol came up to me as everyone was leaving.
"Hey Vernon, stay back a sec, I gotta talk to you."
I looked up at him and nodded, waiting until it was just us, "Yeah, what's up?"
"What's going on between you and Chan?"
My heart dropped.
"Nothing is, just found out he likes Changbin and doesn't like me. He tricked everyone."
Seungcheol looked at me with wide eyes, "Changbin?! Where the hell did you get that idea??"
"He told me so."
"He did not."
I pulled my phone out and showed him the picture and text, "See?"
"Vernon, that's not him saying he likes Changbin!!"
I sighed, standing up in front of him, "He's blushing and leaning on him, and he texted me that while watching him perform."
"Vernon you're a fucking idiot!! Don't be so stupid! I'm so disappointed that you would think-"
He was cut off by me grabbing his collar, surprising us both. He sounded just like my dad then. Calling me an idiot. A disappointment. Stupid. That's all I am. A god damn disappointment. A stupid idiot.
I didn't even notice the tears streaming down my face until Seungcheol kept his hands down and started apologizing.
"I'm so sorry Vernon I didn't mean to... You know you're not stupid it's just you're being silly about this..."
He moved his hands up, hugging me tightly as I slowly let go and hugged him back, sobbing into his neck.
"Shh.. it's okay, I'm so sorry... You know I didn't mean it like that. You're not a disappointment. You're smart, you're just frustrating with this. I love you Vernon, okay?" He mumbled as he rubbed my back.
I nodded and sniffled, still hugging him, "It's okay... I'm sorry... I just love him so much... It hurts that he likes Changbin..."
"He does not!"
"I think so..."
He sighed and slowly let me go as I calmed my tears, "Go home, I'm sure Joshua is waiting in the car."
I slowly nodded and made my way outside and into the car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The show is today. I'm sure Chan will be there since he likes Changbin. Maybe the new song will tell him how I feel. Maybe he'll understand.
I got ready, putting on easy clothes and fixing myself up before we all drove there. Setting up with no sign of Chan at all. I looked around every chance I could. He wasn't here. Of course he wouldn't come for me. He was probably here last night while 3Racha performed.
Everything was set up and I looked at Joshua, "So we're doing the new song first right?"
"Yeah! Are you ready for it?" He asked.
I looked out at the crowd, sighing as my heart dropped seeing the empty chair at the table the rest of our friends are at, "Yeah, I'm ready..."
Han introduced us again and Seungcheol started off the count for the song.
I took a deep breath and started,
"What's two minus one?"
Joshua continued with his line and then it came time for mine again.
"I can't get you out of my head, yeah
Gotta get you out of my head, yeah
How can you be so fine when I'm
I'm..."
Joshua joined me for the chorus.
"Two minus one
I can see you're doing really good without me, baby
Two minus one
I'm doing great myself, hope you know I am
'Cause I'm not lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Two minus one
I'm super fi-ine, I don't need you anymore"
I continued alone and looked down at the ground as I found myself searching for Chan again.
"And everytime I see you in my feed
I don't feel anything anymore
We used to be best friends
I remember you said that you can be yourself when I'm around
Guess that didn't really matter
All the feelings we had were not worth much to you at all
Well, I moved on, so keep your two cents
Sympathy subtraction"
I didn't move on at all...
"I thought you were the one
Didn't need any other
I can still smell the perfume you used to wear in my clothes
Can't erase it, no
I used to think you were that someone
We used to be so much alike
I can still see you in myself
Love is so blinding, love is so blinding"
I smell him all over me.
As we went to end the song, I looked up, "Don't need you anymore..."
And I found myself entranced, looking right into the eyes of someone in the crowd. I looked at the most beautiful boy I had ever seen... And I changed the lyrics of the song.
"I need you"
Joshua stopped singing as I sang a different line than him, everyone stopped playing as the song ended but my eyes still remained on his. The one and only Lee Chan.
(~Harley)