"Nice work on holding the fort down, Bean," I compliment, patting Hershel's head as we walk.
"I told those people in the white suits that they weren't allowed inside until Mom got back, so they're setting up stuff out there," he explains. "Diane, Lydia, and Elijah went to get cleaned up because those people brought some water."
I look over to the camp that the Commonwealth people were setting up. Mom, Daryl, and some others went hunting with Pamela and the rest so she sent me back home to make sure things were safe here.
"I haven't seen this many people in a long time," Hershel notes. "It's weird."
"It is," I agree.
I gnaw on the inside of my lip as Hershel and I watch the people continue working.
"Do you think Mom is gonna come back with food?" Hershel wonders, kicking a rock.
"Doesn't she always?"
Hershel smiles. "Yeah.. She always finds a way."
"Ellie, right?" that Sebastian guy asks, walking over with a girl.
Great.
"I think our previous introduction was cut short. I'm Sebastian and this is Kayla," he continues.
"This is my sister, Ellie!" Hershel introduces. "She's like.. the Princess of Hilltop. our Mom is the Queen."
"We have a King and Queen, bud. It ain't us," I mutter under my breath.
I still never saw Ezekiel. I hope Carol is okay. Since Daryl is here, I'll ask him if things went okay after I left.
"I'm the Governor's son," Sebastian explains. "Kayla is my girlfriend."
My brain short circuits. "You.. what?"
"The Governor's son," Sebastian repeats.
Governor?
Bad man.
The start of it all.
"Hershel, go play with Elijah for a little," I urge.
"Huh?"
"Go play with Elijah."
My eyes lock on Sebastian and Hershel takes off inside the gates.
"Is everything all right?" Sebastian asks.
I try to find words.
He was talking about someone else, right?
How could I be sure?
Governor.
The past comes back in full force.
"Excuse me, Ellie-"
It was like the man dressed as a walker all over again. I blacked out and wasn't in control of my physical movements.
"Ellie!" Daryl shouts. "Ellie, no!"
I saw the Governor in the man that I punched square in the face and pulled my knife on.
When I come to, Daryl has his arm around my shoulders from behind and I'm towering over the man I didn't know.
"This is Lance Hornsby," Daryl helps out. "He's with Pamela."
I grab Daryl's arm with my free hand and try to take a breath in.
"You're all right," Daryl coaxes me down.
I blink a few times and the eyepatch in my mind fades, the man below me only with a bloodied nose and two eyes.
I gasp in a breath and Daryl eases me to stand upright.
"She's been on the road for a decade.. It's still fresh," Daryl announces. "Sorry about that."
When I break my eyes away from the Lance man, I catch sight of the Commonwealth soldiers that had their guns pointed at me.
"At ease," the lead soldier announces- the one with the orange suit that I'd seen when I was locked up.
The soldiers lower their weapons at his command.
"You good?" Daryl whispers to me.
I put my knife away and relax in Daryl's hold. He rubs my shoulders as the man with the orange suit helps Lance up.
"Heard you packed quite a punch," Lance lightly jokes and takes a handkerchief out of his suit that he places against his nose. "I can verify that."
Awkward chuckles go around, but I can't find it in me to partake.
I look around the camp for Mom, but she and Pamela still hadn't arrived.
I pat Daryl's arm and turn my back to the people, going back inside the Hilltop gates.
I catch a glimpse of Elijah helping Hershel wash up with a water bucket and a tattered rag. I exhale slowly and march straight through Hilltop and to Glenn's grave.
Everything was so loud in my brain.
Thoughts of the Governor repeat like a broken record.
"Everyone else moved on," I complain. "Why can't I just be fucking normal?"
I crouch to the ground beside Glenn's grave.
"This isn't fair! Why does this shit keep me up? Why do I have to remember the shit from the past from just.. random things? It's over. It's done. He's gone.. you're.." I huff and try to not cry. "You're all gone."
I run my hands over my face and try to breathe. I fight off the tears that keep trying to build.
"So why can't I just.. move on?" I ask. "Like everyone else has moved on.. why can't I?"
I slap the insides of my wrist to my temples.
"I'm just fucking frozen. I'm stuck. I can't.. I can't let go. I can't.."
My breathing turns erratic and I pant in hyperventilation. I keep my eyes clenched as I lower myself to sit down on the ground. I bury my head in my knees and refuse to cry.
I can't stop looking over my shoulder.
I can't stop looking for my dead friends.
I can't see things normally- like a man in a costume or a regular man who just resembles someone from the past.
--
When I got my shit together, I just watched the group outside. Mom walked straight to me when she spotted me finally out of hiding.
"I still don't like it," she admits, sitting on the porch beside me.
"I punched a dude in the face," I confess. "Because.. I don't know why."
"Daryl told me," she assures. "I get it."
I hook a lock of my hair behind my ear and look over to where Hershel was. He had on the lead soldier's helmet and was showing it off to everyone.
A knot forms in my throat as I remember the feeling of being his age and playing with the prison riot gear with Carl.
Carl liked to wear the helmet even though his head was too small.. Just like Hershel was with the orange helmet.
My chest burns and I force my eyes to the ground.
"I always told you that you're the only opinion I care for. That's still true."
"I don't think my two cents is good for much right now. My brain is a mess," I say and sigh. "I can't get myself to think straight for shit. I'm sorry, Mom."
"It's okay. How about you just go rest? You're still healing, you know?"
Mom and I trade a quick hug and I leave. I make my way inside where Anna was cleaning up the main house.
"Hey," I greet.
"Hey, babe," she smiles and sets the broom against the wall. "Can you believe this shit?"
"What shit?"
"It's the end of the world and there are still gross, white men hitting on people like me."
For the first time today, I find myself laughing. I open my arms out to her and she quickly dives in for a hug.
"What'd you do about it?" I wonder, rocking us back and forth.
"Well, after I laughed, I just told him I was gay. He backed off after he found out that I was with Ellie Grheene."
"My name holds so much power," I joke and pull back to look at her.
"All right," she scoffs. "You're still not topping."
I throw my head back and laugh loudly at the remark. "You suck!"
Anna giggles and kisses my cheek. I turn my head so our lips meet.
"I punched a dude in the face and you're stepping on another's pride," I mutter against her lips.
"Power couple, what else can we say?"
I bury my face in the crook of Anna's neck.
In her arms, I felt safer. Stronger.
But, I knew that the past was a lingering dark cloud that wouldn't let me go.
So, I just refuse to let Anna go instead.
𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓇 𝓇𝒶𝓂𝒷𝓁𝑒𝓈--
yeah that's right I'm bringing back governor trauma what about it
honestly the governor effected ellie hella more than negan but the governor is dead so she doesn't know what to do with that anger (she points it to negan and rick lol)
ellie is a power bottom and nothing more nothing less okay