There was a loud buzzing in Build's ears. He closed his eyes and aimed his focus on trying to control his breathing, but it felt like his chest would cave into sobs. And that was the one thing he absolutely couldn't allow. He couldn't cry in front of Wichapas, and especially not after what Luuk said. The accuracy of those awful words was enough of an embarrassment.
The coach couldn't have hit home any harder. Build felt like he was wasting away in a loveless marriage where he had already been abandoned once. No matter how hard he tried to prevent it, the feelings for the man who didn't love him had grown into something. Something that caused him to feel deprived and vacant.
There was a scrape against the linoleum, and the sound made the hair on Build's arms stand on end. Ego was the only thing keeping his tears at bay. He was definitely shivering, though he didn't feel cold. All he could feel was that tight grip on his composure loosening.
"Biu." Wichapas calling for him did not have the same effect that it did back in the guesthouse. It didn't even sound like the same thing; there was no pleading undertone. It was just a quick statement, dry and void. Build hung his head and his forehead creased. Why was it painful?
"Kantee is looking for you." The second set of words had a softer sound, but it did nothing to remedy the ache.
"I'll be there in a minute." Build spoke, but it was a strained and barely audible noise. He focused back on the short inhale and the extra long exhale of breath and hoped his husband would walk out and let him keep his pride.
It felt like forever, but it was probably a few minutes before Wichapas walked out of the bathroom. Build slumped the moment he looked up and saw he was finally alone. His torso crumbled forward as his hands cradled his face.
"Maybe if you did, your husband wouldn't walk around looking like discarded goods." The words echoed and they kicked just as hard as they did the first time, and Build cursed behind his hands. The tears came soon after, and he hurried to wipe them away.
"I know I have been gone for a long time. I am back now and I would appreciate it if you stayed away from my husband." Remembering Wichapas' words was an unraveling. Build hurried to one of the stalls, sure his breakfast would come tumbling out of him, but instead he just choked and coughed. His knees finally gave up their pretense; he fell back against the stall wall and slid down to the ground. The pain of the hit was a welcome distraction. He wished he could lose himself to the blur of it, the numbness in the back of his head.
Build waited for the room to stop spinning before standing up, but it took him about ten more minutes to gather the courage to reach the door of the bathroom. He walked slowly to give his legs some more time. All he wanted was to get back to his son, to see his smile and know that not everything was lost.
Raising Kantee was the one thing he did right, that one task that he and Wichapas were able to navigate together without too much trouble. It was all they had.
"Phaw!" Bear noticed his father first and left the table to run to him. Build wrapped him up in a hug and pressed his forehead to his son's neck, trying desperately to find his center of gravity. "Gan is going back to the field after pizza to play some more. Can I go too?"
Build pulled back to look at his son's Bambi eyes, but even those didn't bring him the comfort he was seeking. Kantee was the spitting image of his father, a reminder that no matter how strong their bond, their DNA was not the same. Even their son was more Wichapas' than his.
"Did you ask, Papa?"
Bear nodded and Build finally began to walk toward their sitting area. "He said I had to ask you."
"Are Amber and Sofia invited too?"
"Yes!" Kantee pressed his hands to his father's cheeks. His happiness was a blanket of warmth that engulfed Build and softly mended his broken heart. He didn't want to let go. even as he reached his chair next to Wichapas, he stood behind it holding onto Bear for a little longer, sucking his cheeks between his teeth to move his lips like a fish. Kantee giggled.
Build eventually sat to the right of his husband, and that pull he had been feeling before was momentarily suspended. Instead he placed his arm over the back of Bear's chair to make sure he stayed put and didn't end up leaning toward his husband again. The kids sat between him and Sofia.
Sofia could tell something was wrong. She looked over Build's face and shot worried glances at Wichapas. She had met Build as a sad divorcee, but it was the first time she was meeting the bitter husband of Wichapas Sumettikul.
Build did his best to keep up with conversation throughout the meal, but Sofia's anxious glances at the man beside him never stopped. Eventually Build did a discreet sweep of the room so he could catch a glimpse of his husband.
Wichapas was typing a message on his phone, cap low on his face. His jaw was obviously clenched, his breathing a little bit faster than normal. The pizza in front of him was untouched just like Build's. There was a small flash of satisfaction at seeing his lack of a good mood.
Luuk went missing from the event. Build heard commentary on the matter as they cleared the tables. He pretended he didn't hear or ignored the conversation all together.
Luckily the girls were up to going back to the field. Sofia helped ease the tension by keeping a lively conversation with the kids on the way. At the field, Wichapas followed the children while Build and Sofia set up a picnic area under the shade of a giant tree. It was already past four and the day was finally starting to cool.
To his surprise, Sofia didn't ask a single question. She laid down on the large blanket using one of her arms as a pillow while her other arm held up a book.
Build took his time looking for a suitable playlist, and that distracted him for a moment, but eventually he had to give in and ask, "You really aren't going to ask me anything?"
Build was sitting lotus style next to Sofia, shoes off. Upon his question, Sofia put her book down over her chest to look up at him contemplatively.
"Number one: I know it was something Luuk did. Bible wouldn't be that mad about anything else." Sofia let go of her book to use her fingers to count. "Number two: I got the hang of it already. If I push right now you will make an excuse not to tell me anything. I have to wait until you want to tell me. Number three: I honestly don't think I even want to know. You look like a ghost, and he looks like he's about to make someone a ghost."
Despite Build's mood he found himself smiling at the three fingers his friend held up at him. He sighed in relief. Sofia's light-heartedness eased a little bit of the loneliness that had been creeping up since they were leaving the field.
"Do you think I'm pathetic, Sofia?" Build's question had his friend sitting up right, gaze settling at the same level.
"Why would I think you are pathetic? You are just another human stuck in a particular situation in life. Isn't that the same for the rest of the world? My husband's work-related death is suspicious, and I can't do anything about it. It left me raising a genius child on my own in a foreign country, with a wealth I have never even thought possible. Sometimes I think that's pretty pathetic too, but it just is what it is. We make the best with what we have. That's all we can do."
It was somehow what Build needed. He nodded his agreement and exhaled. The pressure in his chest lessened.
"Could I give you unsolicited advice, though?" Sofia requested, and Build nodded again. "I think it's time to talk to him, Biu. I was watching him while you were setting up; he looked scared like you were planning an escape." Sofia was looking far away, and Build followed her gaze.
Wichapas sat on the bleachers looking over at the children running through the field. He leaned forward, face resting over tangled fingers, elbows propped up on knees that were bouncing. His cap was low, but his head followed Kantee's every move.
"I wouldn't know how to run away even if I wanted to." The confession slipped out of him like a shuddering breath.
Sofia looked at Build apologetically, obviously out of advice.
It was impossible to get the scene out of his head. The moment that Luuk stepped into that bathroom Build should have stepped out. It was his own fault that he hadn't sounded as assertive as he should have.
Build didn't really sketch as much as he doodled through his thought process. There were two scenarios: either his husband knew they were married before, or he found out as he overheard the conversation. Build debated which one would be easier to swallow, but it was neither. As he closed his sketchbook and tossed it beside him, he knew that both scenarios were gut-wrenching.
As the sun set, the crowd of children in the field dispersed. It was Wichapas who decided it was time to go home. He brought the kids to the picnic area and sat with Bear on his lap while his son downed some water. Build could stare because his husband was avoiding his eyes and surprisingly, he needed that. Because the sharp lines of Wichapas' cheek bones and those pink and plump lips were a reminder that he never stood a chance. It was pointless to resist, and Build felt like the biggest fool in existence.
The kids were so tired that they were falling asleep on the way back to the mansion, Sofia and Build trying their best to keep them talking. Build caught himself smiling at their ridiculous efforts, particularly the loud singing.
Luckily dinner was set up by the time they arrived, and that brought a little bit of life back into Bear. He ate quietly while both of his parents' plates remained untouched. Aom, always the wisest, brought over chamomile tea and that seemed to help Wichapas enough because he finished a good amount of his serving. Build didn't even try; the tea was delicious, but the thought of food made him nauseous.
As soon as Kantee was done with his desert he was yawning, and Wichapas hurried to get him upstairs. Build had a little bit more tea before heading upstairs. He took a hot shower, let the burn numb him, but nothing was helping to ease the discomfort he felt.
The words from earlier echoed in an endless loop.
"He might have been there for Kantee, but he wasn't there for you."
"You are lonely. I can see it when I look at you."
"I would appreciate it if you stayed away from my husband."
"How about you start acting like one first, hm? Maybe if you did, your husband wouldn't walk around looking like discarded goods."
Build didn't say goodnight to Kantee, mostly because he couldn't face Wichapas, but partly because he knew that his son would likely be asleep by the time Build was done bathing. He still waited another hour and a half before sneaking out of his room. There was something he had to know for sure before he could come up with a plan of action.
Without his slippers or his robe on, Build made quick strides to the bedroom next to his. He hesitated at the door, heart pounding wildly. It was always the same feeling. He opened the door slowly, surveying the chamber carefully.
Wichapas' old room was exactly as he had last seen it. Leaving the door open, he hurried to the nightstand to the left of the bed and opened the first drawer.
It was empty, his wedding ring was gone. He opened the second drawer in a panic and even got on all fours to look under the bed and nothing. As he stood Build threw his head back with an exasperated sigh.
Of course it was gone. It had been four years since he took it off. It was either stolen by the help, or Aom put it away for safekeeping. Build turned to storm back out, but instead ended up gasping and practically falling back onto the nightstand in surprise. Wichapas stood at the threshold.
He was freshly showered, his hair still damped and pulled back into a messy ponytail. He wore his usual black set but not his glasses, and in his eyes there was an apathy that chilled Build to the bone.
Build focused on the rug underneath his feet, his left hand automatically squeezing at his right thumb. It felt like there was a ball in his esophagus, making it difficult to breathe.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." Wichapas' voice was soft, but Build still didn't dare look up.
There was a long silence, and in it, Build shook like a leaf.
"Biu," Wichapas called and it was back to that honey- like sound. It melted the knot in Build's stomach and had him closing his eyes with a sigh. It took a moment, but eventually Build looked up to meet his husband's eyes.
"Are you okay?" Wichapas asked and the cold look in his eyes had been replaced with one of worry that wrinkled his forehead.
"Yes, sorry. I'll get out of the–"
"Biu." Wichapas came a couple of steps closer, and Build stepped to the side to keep the distance between them. Suddenly, Build felt small. His husband wasn't really taller than him, but he had a gigantic presence. It took over every bit of space. Build was once again pinned, cornered for the second time that day. "What the coach said –"
"It's the truth," Build snapped because he could already hear the apologetic tone in his husband's voice, and that wasn't something he was willing to accept anymore. "Everything he said is the truth," Build repeated, and he was taken aback by the way Wichapas' nose flared and his lips twisted in a grimace. Build remembered that face.
"What was I supposed to do? First you avoided me completely, hiding from me every chance you got. I thought working together would help, but that turned me into your enemy and then we–" Wichapas closed his eyes for a second and began to pace.
Build stumbled back until he hit the large vintage dresser, his hand gripped the edge of it, his knuckles were white with the strength of his grip. There was a weakness in his knees, an unmistakable knot in his chest. The weight of his guilt was so heavy, it would surely crush him.
"I didn't see a genuine smile on your face until Kantee was born. He was the only thing that put some life in your eyes." Wichapas had stopped pacing. He stood by the middle edge of the bed and spoke the words carefully though his breathing was labored and his hands were fists.
"I ran out of options and then I ran out of time." Wichapas' last words seemed like an afterthought. It came with a sigh and the slump of heavy shoulders. He looked at the door as if deciding if it was time to walk away.
Build hung his head, a pathetic attempt at hiding his tears. His torso bent slightly, as if his stomach had squeezed. He sat back against the dresser with a stumble, hands covering his face. Shame and regret crashed through him, and it was a hit that had his chest vibrating with sobs.
"I'm sorry,I'm sorry," he repeated, and it was a muffled cry against his palms.
"Biu, please don't."
The gentle hand that brushed against Build's arm was soft and warm. It made it worse, far worse, because of the way he craved that warmth. He wanted to be wrapped up in it, get suffocated by it. That want had grown into a monster, one he couldn't control anymore.
Build's hands fell away from his face and reached out for his husband, fingers gripping at black fabric, pulling. Wichapas came forward without hesitation. Build rested his forehead against his husband's broad shoulder.
"I'm sorry," Build sobbed and Wichapas came closer still, his arms gently wrapping around Build's shaky body.
"Please stop apologizing. It isn't your fault, none of this is your fault. You didn't do anything wrong." Wichapas' words were a beautiful lie, and they sounded like a lullaby against Build's ear. The gentle back and forth of Wichapas' hands over his back aided in the healing. The need wasn't satiated; the monster needed more.
Build stood, untangling his fists and wrapping his arms around Wichapas' torso. His face hid on the crook of his husband's neck while his arms squeezed. Bible was smooth granite, a heated rock. He smelled of something earthy, like cedar trees after a warm rain, a faint smell of lavender. Build inhaled it all as best he could through the sobs.
Wichapas stroked the back of Build's head, on occasion squeezing his neck gently to loosen tight muscles. His other hand rubbed the expanse of Build's back. The cooing words that swore Build held no guilt never stopped trying to convince him. And though it took some time, the sobs finally calmed.
"Biu, would you look at me?" Wichapas asked, but his hands did not stop their soothing. Build already felt like he was taking advantage of his husband's kindness. He didn't want to step away from the tranquility of that embrace, but there was no other option. It was time to face the truth.
Build loosened his hands and slowly took a step back. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand and braced himself before meeting his husband's eyes. He was surprised by the sadness he found there, one that deeply resembled his own.
"I wanted you to have the choice, and I really thought it had worked out. I'm sorry. I came back as fast as I could."
Build stepped back a little farther.
"So you did know. Since when?"
"About two years in. When—Biu?" Build's body had turned toward the door upon hearing the answer, but his name stopped him in his tracks. It felt like his veins were on fire with the anger he felt. The resentment at being kept in the dark.
"Days before you arrived."
"Fuck."
Build turned around again to face Wichapas. "You should have told me." His words lost their strength when his throat tightened.
"I wasn't sure how, Build. I didn't want to make it more difficult than it already was. If you want to try again to file the—"
"I don't want a divorce." Build could hear his own heartbeat, felt his face flush. He fisted his hands until his nails dug into the flesh of his palms. "I never wanted a divorce. Kantee deserves a real family and he is our son. A divorce would devastate him and I... I want a family too. I'm sorry I pushed you away for so long. I was confused and scared and, I was angry at my father. Please, I don't want to be lonely anymore. I don't want to be invisible!"
Wichapas was visibly stunned, monolid eyes rapidly blinking, breath elevated. Build didn't mean to shout, he covered his mouth in reflex and stared back aghast. Wichapas came at him so fast all Build could do was flinch.
Strong hands cradled his face, long fingers lightly digging at the back of his neck. Wichapas tilted Build's head lightly, leveling their gaze. They were a millimeter apart and it took all the air out of the room.
"When you are in the room, it is everyone else who is invisible. Do you understand? And I'll give you whatever you want, baby. Just ask me and I'll give it up." Wichapas' words made Build feel drunk. His hands held onto Bible's shirt again, hoping it helped steady him as he swayed.
"Goddamit, I don't fucking blame him for trying to take you away from me. That fucking bastard." Wichapas spoke through clenched teeth and then his sweaty forehead rested against Build's. His eyelids fluttered to a close. "If you give me this one chance to take care of you, I promise I'll try my damn hardest. I don't want you to stop looking at me like you do now. I can't bear to go back. I'll be like a dog at your door."
Build was on fire from the inside out. The words erased the pain of eight years, a salve against every wound it ever created. Build's hands pulled at his shirt until their bodies collided. The resulting rumble from Wichapas' throat caused Build to gasp. Build angled his neck and offered his lips.
It wasn't at all what Build remembered; it was definitely more than he ever expected. Wichapas sucked Build's bottom lip first, a cry stumbling out of Build as he did.
Wichapas must have understood what that sound meant because he angled Build's head again to devour his mouth in a kiss that weakened knees and completely fogged the mind. The desperate and wet clash of Bible's tongue against his dismantled Build. His heart felt like it could burst with its excessively loud thumping at the surrender.
Wichapas let go of Build's face. Instead he pulled at his husband's waist, pressing him further into him. Their warm bodies rubbed together in a delicious wave that had Build pulling away from the kiss to catch his breath. Wichapas was a furnace. The heat weakened Build's muscles; it felt like he was disintegrating as his husband's lips explored the edges of his neck.
Build could barely remember the last time they were together; there was some pleasure, but it was such a faded memory he couldn't really pinpoint it. But Build was sure that he had never experienced a pleasure quite like the one he was experiencing as Bible advanced and pinned him to the wall behind him. His head fell back in a moan at the sharp sting of his skin being sucked into his husband's mouth. Build's fingers clawed at Wichapas' solid back.
Wichapas demanded another kiss, and Build was easily amenable. He welcomed that overpowering feeling, the lack of thought and reason. Wichapas' hands were just as rough as his kiss and they kneaded on every part of Build's body they could reach. It wasn't until they found Build's plump bottom that they did the most damage. Build arched his back at the pleasure and his hips bucked against that hard body that pinned him.
Build had been holding on by a thread, but it snapped upon feeling the arousal of his husband so firm against his hip. It was a powerful high, a hit of adrenaline that coursed through him so desperately he was once again fisting at Wichapas' shirt, moaning into that sloppy kiss.
Bible broke the kiss with the smack of lips. He panted while he pressed his face on Build's shoulder. Build whined and wriggled, lost to the need he had given into.
"Fuck, you smell so good. I can't even think," Wichapas complained, his nose running up the side of his husband's neck. It caused goosebumps all over Build's body. He whined again.
"Bible," the call was delivered with a wanton breath. Wichapas stilled and sighed. His shoulders slumping, more of his weight crashing onto Build.
"God, that– say it again." Wichapas requested and his hands were once again kneading at Build's ass, hips angling to rub their erections together. Build moaned, unable to comply, as much as he wanted to.
There was no way to get out of the fog when Wichapas was nibbling at his neck and his hands were sliding under Build's shirt. Build moved his arms over his husband's shoulders because his knees were not supporting him anymore. It gave Wichapas easier access. Wichapas hands were quick to slide up the milky skin of Build's sides. Bible's teeth pulled at Build's earlobe, the sweep of his thumb over his husband's left nipple turned his soft cries into a choke.
The embarrassment had Build squeezing his arms around Wichipas' neck, trying to hide his face in the small space that existed between his arm and Bible's neck. But his hips were bucking, the muscles of his abs fluttering with their strain.
"Biu," Wichapas called out and it was a warning. His hands left Build's torso to hold his balance on the wall behind him. It seemed he could no longer hold both of them up. "I'm going to close and lock the door, okay?" Wichapas asked as he left kisses over his husband's shoulders. Even over the fabric of his shirt the heat was tantalizing.
Upon Build's nod, Wichapas stretched to the right. There was a brisk move before the unmistakable click of the door closing. Build gasped when his husband's hands gave his ass a rough squeeze as he lifted him off the ground. Wichapas pressed his forehead to the side of Build's temple, he had limited mobility due to Build's vicious grip.
"Hold on, baby." Wichapas' voice was low and raspy. His hot breath swept over Build's face, and that delicious scent knocked a bit more sense into Build.
Build captured Bible's mouth again, wet tongues clashed. The click of the lock sounded loudly.
Notes:
I post this with tears in my eyes because that is how much I miss them. I miss BibleBuild, my sweet weirdos.
I hope this chapter brings you some comfort Bubble. Consider it a big hug from me.
Let's just hold on for a little bit longer, hmm? I'm here with you, you aren't alone.