I can say, with absolute certainty, that there's no chance I'll ever be given the kind of love I need, the proper love. To be more apt, I can see there's no such thing as a love that fits me. I used to believe in the notion of love being this beautiful, cleansing balm I can apply to my heart and mind and soul to fill the gaps of my life. I used to see it as a welcoming place to seek shelter from the turmoil and uncertainty of life, a hideaway to retreat to that can take anyone in regardless of wealth or condition or issues. Yes, I did hold such lofty, high-minded ideas of what love can do for me. I believed in them and fervently held onto them. Having had a rough start in life, without anyone to help me understand life, I needed a grand, powerful, and inclusive idea to follow and be part of. I was that desperate for something bigger than myself.
Now, I'm deep into my adult years, and I'm sorry to see how horribly mistaken I was. I can't believe how amazingly naive I was, how easily my innocence led me to believe in notions I haven't definitely grasped. Maybe I was wrong in expecting people to fill gaps in my life when they weren't interested or ready, or maybe I thought I'd have the same experiences and be in the same circles as the peers around me, as well as those I saw and read in the media. Or maybe I wasn't forward and vocal enough with what I expected and wanted from the environment around me at that point in time, and didn't focus enough on realizing them. All I know is a whole range of factors, external and personal, came together to stymie the plans I had in mind. I should've known back then that old saying: No plan survives first contact with reality. I wish I knew those lessons back then in my adolescence, and not later on in my adulthood. I seem to be slow in absorbing life lessons and finding their application in life. It's a lifelong challenge I've always grappled with.
Today, it's been a few months since my birthday, but I don't really have any recent achievements or milestones in my life to celebrate. I'm more preoccupied with the search for a job that will help me achieve financial stability. In terms of emotional matters, there's no getting around the fact there's no such thing as a loving, lasting girlfriend and potential lifetime partner out there for me. It's not happening, not now, not anymore, not ever. That's not for me, and I'm simply too hard and too difficult for female interest, let alone romantic involvement. No, perhaps intimacy-on-demand is the way for me, and that'll have to be enough. I'm meant for other, bigger things in this world anyway. Maybe personal achievement and growth can be a substitute for romance.
I think of that song by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, "Cat and Mouse", in particular the chorus, because it distills my sentiments regarding my changing perspective about love, now that I've known the dark side of these lofty ideals:
"Am I supposed to be happy, when all I ever wanted, it comes with a price?"
Remember, you said that you would die for me. You said you'd keep me safe and build your future with me, together. But in the end, you ran away. You did what you said you'd never do. You left me. And you broke my heart. I can't believe you'd do this to me. I gave you everything I had. I don't think I can ever trust someone like you again. I'll never let anyone into my heart ever again. It's taken so long to discover this, but I know you now. I know you now. Everything is clear to me now. I was fooled before, I won't get fooled again. I will succeed, whatever the cost. I will get my way in the end.
Don't worry. Every dog has his day. Every dog has his day.