Chapter 6
Being in the kitchen with my mom was great, except for her constant questioning. My dad would enter the kitchen once in awhile to see if we needed help but I think he was wondering if we were both still alive.
"When's your next appointment with Emily?" My mom asked.
"Um...in a bit over 2 weeks."
"Do you find that it helps to talk to her? I mean, like it did when you were younger?"
"Yeah, she helps." I answered.
"What do you two talk about?" She asked while checking the carrots.
"A lot of things...different things." I said, trying to be vague. The last person I wanted to know what Emily and I talked about was my mom, or any family member for that matter.
"Like what?"
I took a deep breath feeling my anger and frustration taking over my body. As much as she could trigger them so easily, it wasn't a good enough reason for me to explode on her.
"I'm not having this conversation with you mom." I said using a different tone of voice, warning her to stop pushing.
"Is it about me? Is that why you're not telling me? I know you tell your father."
I looked at her and started to wonder.
"No he doesn't say anything I just wonder why you can't also tell me."
I was relieved. Talking with my dad was calming, he gave me good advice but sharing some conversation I had with Emily to my mom made me nervous.
"Do you want an honest answer?" I asked, stopping what I was doing to look directly at her.
"Yes, of course."
"Because your questions...they drive me crazy. Before I can even answer one of them, you ask another. Your questions never stop. We're not the same, I'm not you, and I handle things differently. All your questions, they frustrate me. It makes me not want to answer any of them. You want me to talk to you so that means you have to listen and just stop with the questions. They're driving me crazy." I repeated, raising my voice a bit.
"I'm sorry." She said looking down and the guilt just hit me. I felt like the worse daughter.
Crap, why did I have to say all that. I should have kept my mouth shut, I thought to myself.
I took a deep breath, "Mom...some questions are fine." I said coming closer to her. "The 'how are you', 'what have you been up to' even the 'have you been sleeping', is fine. You're my mom and I know you worry but you need to understand that I'm an adult. When I need you, I come to you. You might realize it or not, this is the first place I come to. I need you, dad, A.J. and Felix, you're my family and I wouldn't change it even if I could. I just need you to be my mom and not...a detective." I told her standing close to her.
"I'm sorry." She said again. "I'm just curious about your life. You always pretend like everything is fine and you put on a good show but you forget, I'm your mother and I know you. The smile you have on every time I see you isn't the real one. On occasion, your father notices too but I notice every time. I guess that's why I ask so many questions. I need to know you're okay but you say you're fine and I don't believe you." She said, almost in a whisper.
I didn't know what to say. I thought I was putting on a good show but she's right, she knows me better than anyone.
"May I ask something?" She asked and I smiled.
"Yeah." I said while nodding my head.
"Why do you not tell me? I know the questions are very irritating and maybe I am turning like my mother... that thought I find very troublesome but..." She said.
"When I use to tell you everything, you had this look in your eyes. I felt like I was ripping your heart out of your chest. I hated...I hate that look, so I just stopped. I don't want to see you cry over the past anymore. I love seeing you smile and happy... I just don't want to make you cry." I told her.
"When I see someone I love in pain, I'm in pain. I want to see my kids and Derrick smile and laugh. How can I be happy if I know one of you is hurting?" She asked.
I thought for a little bit and I couldn't find an answer to that. "I don't know."
"I know more than anyone else about our past. I remember things everyday, little flashes and sometime I can even remember the smell of that room. I have nightmares about it, even to this day. You need Emily, I don't think that will ever change but I have answers that she doesn't and I lived it, right with you." She said.
"You still have nightmares...flashes? You never told me that."
"You never asked." She said smiling, making me smile in return.
"Okay, I get it." I said, laughing a bit.
"So next time you come over, if you want, we'll talk. No questions...well maybe a few, we'll see." She said.
"Next time?" I asked.
"As much as I love Justin, Nicole and the girls, I don't share that part of my life with them. Justin knows a lot more than the others. I know you don't share that part of your life with everyone too. I don't like to remember, who would, but I don't speak about it to just anyone. It's not about being ashamed, judged or pitied. Most people...I'm afraid they won't understand."
"I feel the same way." I said to her. I was surprised. For the first time in years I could understand my mother better.
She smiled and put one arm around my shoulders, squeezed a bit and kissed the side of my head.
"I love you baby." She whispered. "Always have and always will. That's never going to change."
That made me smile. "Love you too mom."
She let me go, "We need to continue before they get here or before the dinner burns." She said making me laugh.
We got back to work. She checked on the chicken that was in the oven while I continued to cut vegetables that were going in the salad.
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I was cutting the bread that my mother had made. She had bought a bread maker a couple years ago and since then she always made the bread herself instead of buying it. It was the best bread I had ever tasted and everyone in my family knew that I couldn't be trusted alone with it or else it would all disappear.
I heard the door bell and I looked over at my mom.
"Do you want me to answer?" I asked her.
She smiled, "Yes please, that would be great." I nodded, grabbed a slice of bread and made my way to the door.
"I saw that!" My mom yelled.
"I know!" I yelled back laughing.
I took a big bit from the bread and opened the door.
"Hey there kiddo!" My uncle yelled out.
I smiled but kept my mouth closed. He looked at my hand and saw the bread. He smiled and shook his head.
"Is that your mom's bread?" He asked, keeping his voice down and I just nodded.
"Nice." He said with a big grin.
I laughed but still kept my mouth shut. I swallowed and was now free to talk without food in my mouth.
"Yeah, it's awesome and it's still warm." I told him and his smile got bigger.
He looked towards the kitchen and I just smiled. I loved that he still had the mind of a child sometimes but was indeed an adult.
"Hello honey." My aunt said, giving me a hug and a kiss on my cheek.
"Hi Aunt Nicole, how are you?" I asked.
"I'm good thank you. How about you?"
"I'm good." I said. "Hello ladies!" I said to my cousins Anne and Sarah.
"Hi Amanda! I'm so glad you're here. My parents weren't sure if you'd be here or not. I need your help with something." Anne told me.
I looked at her and she had my attention. I was curious to know what she needed help with. Anne was 14 years old and her sister Sarah was 12 years old. They were pretty close at times, since they were close in age, sometimes it was good and others not so much. Just like any other siblings.
"She likes a boy." Sarah said loudly.
"Sarah!" Anne yelled.
"You like a boy?! No, you're too young! No, just no." Justin said loudly.
I laughed. If he thought he had control on this subject he needed a reality-check.
"We can talk later." I whispered to Anne and she gave me a small smile.
I went up to my uncle, "Good luck. It's out of your hands." I whispered to him.
"No, it's not." He whispered back. He reminded me of Felix, when he was younger.
"It's not like you didn't know this day was coming so now you need to be more of a friend and listen instead of shouting and ordering around." I whispered to him.
I could tell he was thinking, so I was surprised when he said, "Brought you these." The small box of Timbits made their appearance.
"Hello." I said to the box. I grabbed the box and held onto it with my two hands.
Mine, I thought.
Not many people understood the relationship between my uncle and me. We were more friends and I could always go to him with any problems I had, I just never did.
Everyone wanted to know what I thought or what was happening in my life but for some reason I never shared. Didn't matter if it was with family members, I just kept everything to myself, aside from Emily.
"Thank you." I told him and he just smiled but he got back to the subject at hand.
"Yeah but boys only think of one thing." He said, still keeping his voice low.
"You should know."
"Exactly, so why would I want my little girl with boys like that?" He asked.
"The way you handle this won't just affect Anne, it might influence Sarah. It's important to know they can count on both parents. I share some things with my mom and other things with my dad but what's important is that I know I can go to one or the other if I need help with something. I know I can trust them."
I could see my comment making impact by his facial expression and his eyes changing.
"I still won't like it." He whispered.
"I didn't say you had to." I said smiling. I tapped his back and walked away. He would figure it out on his own. He was a big boy and didn't need my help. He would probably ask my dad for his opinion.
I smiled to myself. My dad didn't have that problem with me. I think that was the only 'positive' thing about my past. I didn't let boys or men get close. Just a physical relationship was hard enough. To let a man into my head and to say what I thought would probably be the end of the relationship.
I never had a boyfriend, not even close. Blake was the first guy I ever slept with but I never told him that. We didn't talk so it wasn't an issue, but now...I didn't know.
"...Anne, I just want you happy and know that you can always come to me." I heard the last part of what my aunt told her daughter.
"Thanks mom."
I looked in the kitchen, "Mom, need help?" I asked.
"I'm good baby, but thank you." She said with a smile.
I turned to look at my cousin whispering back to one another so I got closer.
"You have a big mouth." I heard Anne say. By her tone of voice, it was evident that she was angry.
"I'm sorry." Sarah answered her head down and her eyes not leaving the floor.
When Anne saw me, her eyes went big.
"Hi." I said to both of them.
I went close to Sarah, "You can go see one of the boys if you want. By the music, A.J. is in his room, Felix is probably in his."
She nodded and left. I watched her go and when took Anne's hand and brought her to the living room where it was a bit more private.
I let go of her hand and sat on the couch. I put the box of Timbits I was still holding on the coffee table beside me. When I saw she was still standing, I tapped the couch showing her I wanted her to sit down.
Slowly she made her way closer to me and sat down beside me.
"Are you angry?" She asked me.
"Um, no...Why would I be?"
"For what I said to Sarah." She answered.
"Oh. Well, it wasn't very nice. You're her big sister, she looks up to you. She didn't say it to make you angry. I think she said it because she's excited."
"Why would she be excited? It has nothing to do with her."
"Sometimes news, any news even if it isn't your own, people has the tendency to share. Most people call it gossip." I answered.
"You don't."
"Because I never have any." I said smiling.
"That's kind of sad." She stated making me laugh.
"Yeah, you got me there...maybe one day." I said.
We sat in silence for a bit. I looked out the window when I felt her move.
"Do you want to know about him?" She asked me.
"Of course." I said smiling.
"He's so hot, he's older than me and he's really nice." She said with a huge grin on her face.
"Are you guys friends?" I asked.
"Sort of, I know he likes me but sometimes he's shy." She answered.
"Okay, what does he look like?" I asked and I could tell she was excited. I wondered if she had ever spoken about him to anyone or if it was just the feeling she was giving me.
"He's tall, well taller than me. He has brown hair and brown eyes. When he smiles, he has these two dimples that just..." She said, stopping mid-sentence and gave me a big smile.
I laughed, "You sound like a girl in love." I teased her.
"Maybe." She whispered.
"You didn't even tell me his name." I said laughing.
"Oh!" She giggled. "It's Jesse."
I froze. As common as the name Jesse was, every time I heard it, I always had the same reaction.
"Okay." I said, trying to act normal and telling myself to keep smiling even if it killed me.
"Yeah, he's perfect." She said, still on cloud 9 and not paying attention to me which pleased me.
I opened the Timbits box, without looking I grabbed one small doughnut and shoved it in my mouth.
Keep breathing, keep breathing, keep breathing... I kept repeating over and over in my head. I wanted to leave, either leave the room or better yet, leave the house. I hated that name and I didn't want to hear it again.
"He's named after his dad. It's really sad though, Jesse's dad died before he was born so he never got a chance to see him or know him...Isn't it sad?" She asked looking at me.
Anne had managed to make me stop breathing twice in not even 5 minutes. It felt like my thoughts were going so fast that I was having a hard time processing them.
"You said he's...how old?" I asked, trying to speak up. To the best of my knowledge, Anne and Sarah didn't know about what happened to my mother and me...about my childhood, that house or about that man.
"I think he's two years older than me... maybe I'm not sure. He got held back because of his grades."
I was horrible in math but...if he's 16 years old minimum and I'm 20, was held for a little over 4 years before I killed Jesse...
Is it possible?
"Yeah, that's very sad... How did his dad die?" I asked, hoping I didn't sound heartless in my cousin's eyes.
"He didn't say."
I looked at her and I felt like I was going to throw up.
I wanted to get up, but I couldn't feel my legs. I knew if I tried to get up, I'd fall to the floor and that would just attract attention, which was the last thing I wanted.
I wanted my mom. I hadn't wanted her this bad and so close in a very long time. I felt like I was four years old again and I wanted my mother to protect me...like a shield.
"Um, what's his last name?" I managed to get out.
"McKein." She said with a smile.
I wanted to ask if that was his last name from his father or mother's side. Sometimes if the father wasn't around, the child could have the mother's last name.
"Did you meet his mom? What's her name?" I asked.
"No, I haven't met her." She answered.
"Are both his parents from here?" I asked with a hand over my stomach, each question making me feel bad to worse.
"I think so, why?" She asked.
"Curious."
"You remind me of your mom." She said laughing. "You're asking so many questions."
Crap...I thought but realized that I didn't care about that right now.
"I'm curious. I want to make sure you're safe. I love you, we're family." I said, trying to keep my panic from showing.
Could it be possible? I remember he wasn't in the house all the time, but I don't know where he went or what he did....
I wanted everyone out of the house and I wanted to talk to my mom. I wanted my brothers to go to sleep because I always tried not to talk about those years with them around, even though A.J. knew. I needed to talk to my dad. I remember him saying he'd seen Jesse a few times while mom and I were in that room. Maybe he would know if Jesse had a girlfriend during those years...
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