"𝑰𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒉 𝒂 𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂 𝒄𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒐 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒅𝒆𝒆𝒑𝒍𝒚."
~~~
Vidyut stretched his arms and snapped his neck to relax his bones. He had been reading all night and lost track of time. It was only when he heard the birds chirping outside, he noticed it was six in the morning.
The weather was chilly but it did nothing to his half-naked body sitting beside the window.
Come on Vidyut! Another day, another battle!
He motivated himself and stood up from the chair he had been sitting on the whole night. His feet walked towards the bathroom so he could shower and go out for a morning walk.
As soon as he stepped into the garden he took in a long breath, eyes closed, hands relaxed, and face tilted up towards the sky. The morning breeze brushed past his body leaving a lingering chilly effect. The winds played a rhythmic encore that ringed in his ears. Day by day the cool and misty breeze of Dehradun was suppressing the flame burning inside him, though very little by little but it was.
There was something peaceful and assuring about this place and the aura it radiated. When he felt his drumming temples relax, he opened his eyes and slightly smiled looking at the passing clouds.
As a child I believed these clouds were travellers, completing a World Tour. I used to see them and imagine how would the world look from that altitude. I wished I could also travel the world.
Now that I've achieved those heights, I see the world so small yet so full of pain and misery. Home is far behind now and though I have it in me to travel the whole world it feels worthless to do so.
No corner of this world is blessed with pure peace. I might see each of these corners and yet be empty from inside. The love, warmth and empathy I was filled with as a child vanished in the air ten years back leaving a hollow gap inside me which I think cannot be refilled again.
Yet when I'm breathing in this air I feel there's still some hope left in this world.
When I saw that little girl smiling and giggling I felt happiness still thrives and will triumph over misery.
This hope, this belief is assuring yet scary. I don't want to come out of my dark only to be pushed into it once again when the world fails me.
"Watch out!" Vidyut heard someone scream from his left. As soon as his eyes turned towards the voice he saw a frisbee flying towards him, and in reflex immediately his right hand raised to his face and catched the freesbee with ease.
"Woah. You didn't even flinch!" said a boy who came running towards Vidyut. He was the same young boy Vidyut had met in the group yesterday. He wore a plain blue hoodie and black joggers with a pair of sneakers, which radiated his genz style well.
Vidyut handed him the frisbee with no reaction.
"Hi I'm Ayush. Would you like to join us?" Vidyut's eyes followed behind Ayush and noticed five more people standing at a distance out of which two faces were new for him.
"No, you guys continue, I'm better alone."
"No one's better alone buddy. Anyways if you wish to join us anytime, you're welcome." Ayush ran back towards the group of people and Vidyut walked ahead.
After about an hour Vidyut returned to his room and plopped on the small couch.
"Hey Siri, call Roohi." he said rubbing his eyes.
"The number you've dialed is currently juggling to make breakfast, pack tiffin and reach office on time. Please try again later." came the voice of a young woman from the other end.
"Why do you sound so much in hurry? You still have an hour before you leave for office." Vidyut said placing the phone to his ear.
"Well, it's not easy to be Mr. Vidyut Saxena's assistant you know, and especially in his absence, when the whole office has been put under the responsibility of his younger brother who is a total pain in the ass. So I've to hurry to reach office as early as possible. " Roohi chided tossing the omlet she was making.
"My brother's not an actual pain in the ass Roohi. He just doesn't likes you so he keeps annoying you."
"Whatever! Why did you call early today?"she asked curiously.
"I heard you were on a holiday for two days and when I tried your cellphone it was switched off. I called to check."
"Oh, mom fractured her ankle so I had to take her to the clinic. Unlike your brother, my brother has no sense of responsibility so I was the one staying besides her for two days, before dad returned from a small trip yesterday night. Now that he's here I'm going back to office." she put her phone to ear holding it between her ear and shoulder.
"Why didn't you inform me about Mrs. Sharma?" Vidyut's eyes furrowed as he questioned in a slightly upset voice.
"It wasn't a major injury boss. Just a small fracture. Anyways you're not allowed to take stress about things happening here. Veer and I'll handle things."
"I know, I know. It's because of you both I don't have to worry much but let me know Veer's meeting schedule for today."
"Isn't that supposed to be with his assistant? You can call him."
"If I call Ajay wouldn't Veer know that I'm keeping a check on him. Just send me his schedule once you reach the office."
"Sitting kilometers away yet you keep ordering me around. What kind of boss does that?" Roohi whine stuffing a peice of apple.
"Every boss does that. You bitch about my brother in front of me and have the audacity to talk to me so casually. What kind of assistant does that Huh?" His voice had no ounce of anger or annoyance. In fact he talked calmly.
"Well that's your fault, you let me do that. Now tell me how's things there?"
"Hmm... Pretty fine till now. I don't know when I'll run from this place."
"You better don't even think about it. I'll not let you enter your own office if you do anything like that." Roohi announced with finality and Vidyut was left flabbergasted.
"You know I can fire you for even thinking like that."
"All I know is you can't kick me out of the office cuz you won't find anyone better than me." Roohi giggled closing the lid of her tiffin which she was packing whilst talking on the call.
"That's true." Vidyut chuckled.
"OK fine. I'm leaving for office in a while. I'll have my breakfast now. Bye Boss!" She carried the word boss little longer as she knew it would annoy him.
"Roohi!"
"Haan baba, I know you don't like it if I call you boss, l when in private. Byee Bhai. Have a good day! "
The line got eventually cut from the other side.
Vidyut glanced at the time on his phone which read 7:30 AM. The meditation session was at eight and Esha would arrive 10 minutes before as informed by her.
Vidyut paced around the room, taking in long breaths so as to prepare himself for whatever lies ahead. He had no idea how the session would turn out be. Meditation to him did what petrol does to fire.
Above all, he was nervous to face her.
Vidyut walked into the bathroom and splased cold water multiple times on his face. Running his hands through his hair he looked into the mirror, water droplets dripping down his face.
There was a knock on the room door and his body stilled. She was here. He grabbed a towel, wiped his face and throwing it on the chair walked towards the door.
There was another knock on the door, this time followed by a call from outside.
"Mr. Saxena. It's me Esha."
Vidyut's hand which had reached the door knob freezed at its position when he heard her voice. His mind contemplated as he fought the urge to tell her to go away as he wasn't interested in doing this session with her.
Why is this happening? I should be happy to see the same face again. Shouldn't I?
Yet here I am shit scared to see that face again.
"Mr. Saxena?" Came her call again breaking Vidyut out of his trance.
Sucking in a deep breath Vidyut finally turned the door knob and opened the door, but found no one standing outside.
Now, have I started hearing her voice in imagination?
Confused he peeked out and noticed her standing at a distance,
her eyes furrowed and nose scrunched as she typed something furiously on her phone.
Stop ogling at her!
His conscience schooled and he had to retreat himself back into the room while Esha also walked in after a minute or two.
"Good Morning!" she greeted and as usual Vidyut being Vidyut just nodded.
Wish I'll be lucky enough, to someday be greeted back, Mr. Saxena.
"First question. Where would you like to meditate? In this room or in a more open space, maybe the garden."
"I think the room's better Ms. Therapist."
Agreeing with him, Esha walked towards the window to open it fully which was otherwise partially open. More amount of fresh air gushed into the room making it a better place to breath.
Vidyut meanwhile laid a small carpet available in the room and both settled down facing each other with crossed legs.
"I've read in your reports that even though you've tried meditation before, it didn't came out much of a help to your situation.
Can you tell me what exactly happened whenever you tried to meditate?" Esha questioned him.
"Every single time I close my eyes, I feel someoane pushing me into a dark pit where all I can hear is a scream. The same one I hear in my nightmares. In my most recent mediation sessions I've started to feel that there's something my mind is telling me other than the voice but I haven't yet exactly understood what it is." Vidyut answered as Esha heard him silently and attentively.
"Your nightmares, these screams, this feeling of something more you should know, these are all signs by your subconscious. Whatever happened four years back, your subconscious mind remembers something which currently your conscious self cannot recall. This might be result of either an injury on the head or a sudden shock to the brain. Our meditation sessions are practically arranged so that you can try and connect to your subconscious."
"But I can't. It freaks me out to close my eyes." Vidyut greeted his teeth while saying.
"Don't worry Mr. Saxena. I won't force you to go beyond your limit. We'll start with shorter sets and gradually increase our time. I'm here Mr. Saxena. I will help you with getting rid of all your fears."
"Now take in deep breath, close your eyes and form a Buddhi mudra with your fingers. Join your thumb and pinky finger and let them rest on your knees." Vidyut followed her instructions like an obedient kid which surprised Esha.
She smiled looking at a silent and calm Vidyut who otherwise always looks he's ready to beat the shit out of a person anytime.
"The Buddhi mudra is basically used for mental clarity. We perform this mudra when we need to understand intuitive messages from our subconscious, like dreams and mediations that might confuse you. We'll hold this mudra for five minutes. "
Vidyut did as instructed by Esha and was also amused about her meditation knowledge.
Two minutes since he had closed his eyes and Vidyut felt himself drifting into a dark place where nothing existed except for his subconscious.
"Vidyut..."
The same scream, the same voice, the same pain and the same fear.
Vidyut jolted open his eyes as a gasp escaped his mouth alerting a meditating Esha. She opened her eyes to notice Vidyut sucking in deep breaths.
"Mr. Saxena..."
"Don't! I told you it's a bad idea. I can never gain control of my subconscious. I can't concentrate, how am I supposed to connect with my subconscious? I thought you really cared about your patients Ms. Therapist!" he spoke in a vicious tone.
"Mr. Saxena calm down. Look at me."
That's one thing I can't do!
Vidyut was still taking in deep breaths and his hands had started to tremble. Esha moved forward and held both his hands in hers in an attempt to calm him.
"Mr. Saxena look at me. Try looking at me and distract yourself from whatever you heard."
When her their skin touched a high voltage current passed through his body. He finally looked up and his stormy amber eyes met her calm blue ones. Calm and blue like an ocean. Ocean which was a pool of concern right now. Her eyes carried magic which even the stars would envy.
Her eyes held stories she had lived.
Warm and resplendent, he saw her eyes and only her eyes. The screams, fears sushed and he felt himself loosing into her magnetic eyes, his eyes softened and the storm seemed to subside.
"The only way to stop these voices is to find the root Mr. Saxena. Trust me when I say you'll have to face these voices again and again before you finally mute then. The storm that has been breathing inside you won't vanish in one attempt or one day. It will gradually keep getting smaller and smaller before one day it's gone forever.
If you bare with me now, you won't have to fear closing your eyes again. I've promised myself to free you from the cage of your past and trust me, I'll fulfill it by hook and crook."
Her grip on his hands loosed bringing him back to present moment, as he suddenly felt empty again. Her warm skin wasn't touching his anymore and he realized how much her warmth, melted his cold demeanour. The voices were gone for now but the disturbing feeling was still there.
"You can't heal something that doesn't wants to get healed Ms. Therapist. Past wounds are deeper than the Pacific. I have this feeling, I'll lose my sanity if I'm revealed to the roots of my darkness. I might collapse... "
"...and I'll be there to hold you Mr. Saxena."
Esha's voice held determination. Vidyut looked into her eyes and a second's moment of hope flickered in him.
"Now just slowly close your eyes, take a deep breath and release it."
Vidyut did as she said.
"Once more."
Vidyut felt lighter due to deep breathing.
"Now, whatever is concerning you, a situation, a moment, an incident. Keep it aside. Try to remember the happy moments with all the people you love. If any of them was involved in the incident, try to think about the things that made them special for you. Let your mind create a happy and fond image of you with this person."
Vidyut's mind took him to his childhood where he could hear himself giggling with his siblings in the small backyard of their two storey house. They ran from one end of the backyard to the other, to test who ran the fastest. He looked the most happiest, probably because he was with his siblings at a place he used to call home once.
A sudden transition took him five years back of present day as he stood outside a one storey house with a bouquet of white roses in his right hand, hid behind his back. The door opened to reveal a woman in a white dress with an electrifying and contagious smile adorned on her face. The moment their eyes met she hugged him whispering "I'd been waiting."
Next second his subconscious imaged her.
A blue kurta paired with white straight pants, oxidized jhumkas and bangles. The same outfit Trisha wore on the day of the accident. They stood with her back touching his chest and his arms wrapped around her, and him resting on the car bonnet.
"I love you so much Pearl!" he kissed her forehead as she closed her eyes in anticipation.
"I love you too Baby and no matter where I am, I'll always love you!" she replied.
Esha's eyes caught a glimpse of a smiling Vidyut with his eyes still shut. It wasn't an ear to ear smile but still a smile wide enough to tell that whatever he was thinking about, it brought him content.
You have a sweet smile. I wish you always keep smiling.
Vidyut's eyes opened and the first thing to witness his eyes was a smiling Esha.
"So how do you feel now?"she asked with an expectation of a positive response.
"Better" he said unaware that the smile was still lingering on his face.
"Everytime you find yourself drowning in the miseries of past, try remembering the happy moments of your past. Everytime you smiled because of someone, smiled for someone. Let the positive things that have happened to you before fight the negativity that has creeped into your life.
For the next few days, I'll accompany you for your meditation. We'll start with five minutes of practice with the mudra and then few minutes of reminiscing. Like this we'll continue to meditate with breaks for atleeast half an hour. This process will help you connect with your subconscious without dreadful memories capturing your brain. "
Esha stood up followed by Vidyut. She was about to open the door when she heard Vidyut from behind.
"I don't know whether I'll heal completely or not, but Ms. Therapist after today I believe that I can atleast start hoping to be healed."
Vidyut spoke so softly, as if high octave of voice would harm her.
In that moment Esha witnessed the softer side of the person who otherwise stood like a mountain in front of the world. A person who wore a facade of anger, sarcasm, rudeness and discourteousness. He was capable of being a warm and considerate person but he chose to guard his tainted soul and broken heart with his facade.
"I'm happy I could instill a hope to heal in you, Mr. Saxena. I hope all our sessions further would not just give you some hope, but actually heal you." She spoke before walking out of the room leaving behind an amused Vidyut.
**********
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