I sat in the darkest corner I could find, burying my hands in my face and wishing I could just throw myself into an abyss.
I was desperately trying to keep it together but it was hard when one was going through one of the worst experiences out there. Your biggest fear and worry, actually coming true.
I knew I was far from being into the latest fashions, shows or artists and I had grown to accept being out of touch. Never did I think I would regret it.
I was wrong.
When the first question was delivered and I hadn't said anything, everyone assumed I just was a little off in sync.
After the third and apparently obvious one about some actress, shocked and confused faces surrounded me. I'd never felt more out of place before. It was like I was hearing a different language. It was all so foreign and perplexing, I was rendered into a stuttering clueless mess by the end of it. A few of the Milton Prep students had even started laughing.
If not for our team's exemplary scoring earlier, I would've cost us the game. Not that I hadn't cost them the chances of victory by a certain extent.
Once they switched to break, I was in shock. Had I'd honestly been that ignorant of things people my age knew as common knowledge? It was horrifying.
The next pair of competing teams were on stage now while the rest were helping themselves to snacks at the commissary which I'd declined. I had no appetite. Or they were in the green room, viewing the other competitors along with the crowd. Amina tried to encourage me but I settled to stay backstage wishing I could just disappear.
Maybe I was being a bit dramatic but try having an embarrassing moment not just in front of classmates, but in front of a whole set/crew and a studio packed with strangers. Not to mention, it was all taped and going to be broadcasted on national television tomorrow.
Yeah, reviewing again it did sound bad and I was bringing out my phone to contact my parents to tell them not to watch the show. I could spare minimum of the humiliation.
"Stevie."
I flickered my eyes to Will poking his head round the corner. "You can't keep sulking about it," he told me as he stepped closer.
"Tell me that when you've humiliated yourself on a national level," I replied.
"Technically, it's only three quarters of the nation because this channel doesn't air on Northern Ireland."
"Thanks, that makes me feel so much better."
At that, Ben stumbled in with an urgent demeanour. "Will there you are— oh hey, Stevie. You guys have to come to the green room right now!"
"Why?" Will questioned.
"The team that called for the bonus round got Riddle as a theme and they're diving into the rubber nose pit to find where the riddles are written on!" He enthused. "They got to wear goggles like they're swimming and everything. Come, quick."
"I'm alright," I declined.
Ben pouted. "Oh come on, Stevie it'll be fun. You'll definitely feel less bad about not being able to answer a single question and letting the team down. I always distract myself when I do something stupid."
"Ben!" Will hissed.
"What?"
"Just go please." sighed Will, making a gesture with his hand to shoo the boy away like a dog.
"Fine, suit yourselves." Ben scampered off.
I studied the laces on my converse, avoiding Will's gaze that was unquestionably focused on me.
"He didn't mean it in a bad way."
"I know." That didn't mean I didn't feel like less of a loser.
"Okay, I'll admit I didn't think there was anyone my own age who didn't know Zayn left One Direction and Leonardo Di Caprio was in Titanic, but hey, everybody has a weak point."
"Then what's yours? I bet it can't be anywhere as bad."
"Oh, way worse."
"Try me."
Will bit his lip. "It's taste."
"Taste?" I parroted.
"Yeah, I have the worst taste. I always fall for a person that's completely wrong for me." He stated. "I end up dating them and it always fails horribly or either I'm trapped in the eternal hell known as the friendzone."
I regarded his statement thoughtfully. "... Okay, I guess that sucks."
"Feel better then?"
"A little."
"Enough to join me to eat some paninis?"
I debated the invitation. Although wallowing in the spot was still soothing, I was hungry and it wouldn't be fair to deprive my stomach from offered food. "Alright."
Will lent me his hand and I rose up to my feet, letting him guide me to the snack bar. I'd expected Garren to maybe have approached me, told me off for screwing a perfect win since he prided himself on success but maybe he was so disappointed that he couldn't be bothered to even interact with me. The idea left an upsetting feeling in me and it dawned on me that I was concerned about what he thought of me. The day couldn't get any grimmer.
When the last pair were through, the scores were tallied and a private school named Triston High had gained the highest total of points. Then in second place was St. Sinclair Academy.
I let out a large sigh of relief when I saw our name right beneath. The perfect score on the main question set had saved us from my screw up so now we had one last chance to win.
I hadn't really thought I'd care so much about being the victor, rather than simply having fun but I'd convinced myself that winning would be exactly what I needed to recover.
"And now we shall reveal our grand finale mystery game!" boomed Jason.
Everyone peered to the screen and the letters emerged one by one in an animated bouncing fashion; GUESS WHO?
Quizzical murmurs filled the room at the reveal. An immediate answer came at seeing the title but I shrugged it off, certain it wasn't what I was thinking.
"Yes, for the deciding round the contestants will play the dearly beloved board game of Guess Who?" Jason announced.
I was dumbfounded overall. So it had been what I was thinking of. The timing couldn't have been better to hear something familiar.
There was visibly less satisfied reactions from the opposing team, along with our side.
"A board game? Seriously?" frowned a junior by the name of Ryan. "Those stuff are more boring than my nan knitting."
The other junior snickered at his remark and I felt like popping the two brats. Youngsters never knew how to appreciate the real treasures.
Oh god, now I sound like my nan. I thought to myself and shuddered.
Jason carried on to give a brief summary of the rules and stated the leaders for each teams would pick a pair to play the game. Then there was three alternative additions; the board game props were gigantic. Two stage coordinates were needed to bring it onto the stage. The other alternative was there were only fifteen characters on this set and the last addition, each pair would play under a time limit of four minutes. Which ever team guessed the most characters in that time would be the winners.
Triston High's group were hastily huddled, deciding who would take up the challenge. Ewen didn't bother with any of that and I knew we'd have to use our best to secure victory, which in this case was the boy who'd been sat back in his seat with a bored expression.
Ewen spoke in his usual flat tone, "Garren and Amina, you'll do the game."
I didn't miss the smile that crept on Amina's lips as she nodded.
"No."
Everyone pivoted their heads to Garren from his blunt denial.
Ewen's visage gave nothing away. "No?"
"Stevie will be my partner."
There was a delay in response to Garren's words and I knew everyone was equally as surprised as me.
"Are you kidding me?" questioned Ryan.
I'd give the brat credit for speaking so boldly because I was wondering the same thing.
"I don't think that'd be such a good move," Amina said. "I mean, no offence, Stevie but...." she added with an apologetic smile.
"That was just a poor choice of topic," Will interjected. "That doesn't mean she can't play some simple guessing game."
I felt touched at the fact someone was bothering to vouch for me, when I didn't even have it in me to speak for myself. However, it was dangerously close to escalating to an argument which wasn't good.
"She cost us the bonus round!" Ryan retorted.
"Yeah, and I thought we were trying to win this thing." quipped the other junior, Brooke.
"Excuse me, we?" Garren cocked his head with a mocking smirk. "When did you two runts earn the right to include yourself in that pronoun? Let's get one thing straight here; the only reason you're being privileged to sit in my presence is out of regulations, not by any intellectual qualification. It's not necessary for you to speak or even look in my general direction. Now do everybody a favour and don't open those traps until puberty finds you replacement vocal cords."
The two instantly sealed their lips, completely down casted at the severe ridiculing of Garren Adler. Brooke was staring down at her buzzer while Ryan had a face which Ashton would call looking like a smacked arse. What's worse, I chomped down on my bottom lip to prevent a chuckle from escaping. Will on the other hand was just smiling like some proud mother.
"Garren, we're in front of cameras. Don't make anyone cry," said Ewen. Although it lacked any sternness that I wasn't sure if he was being serious with the scolding. "And if you want to pair with Stevie, fine."
"What?" Amina's tone sounded almost indignant. "But Michael put you in charge! You shouldn't be taking his orders."
All she got in reply from Ewen was a shrug. As Jason was making to the stands to know who out of each team who'd be participating, my attention was seized as Amina abruptly clutched my arm. Her manicured nails digging deep to reach my skin.
"Stevie," she hissed in a whisper, "you need to say something! Garren's just picking you because he's not taking this seriously. He wants to rebel against Ewen to get back at Michael for not letting him be designated captain. Do you want to embarrass yourself in front of dozens of people for a second time in one day?"
I was dumbstruck by the unfamiliar malice in the girl I depicted as an angel. Her charming dark brown eyes just resembled charcoal by the sudden cloud looming over them and I didn't feel any sort of comfort by her hold. "Well, do you?" Her grip tightening.
I winced, yanking my arm free. "Amina that hurts."
All at once, the cloudiness in her gaze lifted. "Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry." She apologised with a sweet tone. "I didn't mean to."
Only she didn't know it wasn't my arm I meant was hurt. "Whatever," I muttered.
I walked up to Ewen to inform that I needed to use the toilet then after getting his nod, I excused myself, avoiding Amina's sharp gaze.
Triston High was up against the clock first while I was trying to compose myself in the green room. Amina kept shooting me nerving glances but I was determined not to back down. However, I was scared to be in the limelight again. Her words had gotten to me. The thought of screwing up twice made me slightly nauseous.
I stepped out to the backstage, close enough to hear the competitor's voices trying to figure out the identities.
Calm down, Stevie. I told myself. The only way this could get worse is if you throw up.
"What are you doing?"
The sudden voice made me jolt as I swerved my eyes to Garren. Poise and cool as always.
I fiddled with my fingers. "Nothing, I'm just..." I took a large intake of breath, then slowly exhaled. It didn't make me less uneasy in the slightest. Every mantra I knew wasn't working either. I was doomed. "Why did you ask to be partnered with me?" I spat out. "I know this contest doesn't mean anything to you but you said you enjoy crushing people. Don't you still care about winning?"
"Of course," Garren replied.
"Then why pick me? I looked like an idiot up there. Isn't that what you think too?"
"You look like you're beating yourself up about it enough for the both of us, so there's no need to. And that doesn't change anything. I'm usually never wrong on what I've said about someone. They say the average person's brain can no longer develop once hitting their mid-twenties but I've known Michael to finish an essay of a post graduate degree three times faster. And you, you solved a decipher by me that he miscalculated. Me, Garren Adler and you're getting scared over this? That's insulting. Winning a dumb thing like this is nothing in comparison. You could do it in your sleep."
Although his words were full of vanity and pride, I strangely felt less tension in my shoulders. "You think?"
Garren sighed. "Don't ask stupid questions, what did I just say?"
"Right, be full of myself. Got it," I said it with a huff. "You do it everyday and it works out just fine— how hard could it be? Only my whole mental state on the line."
There was some sort of emotion casted in his eyes and I assumed he was going to make a remark at my lame attempt to hide my panic through sarcasm. Instead, he said,
"Let's make a deal. If we win this, you'll fully agree to let me take you under my wing as an Ace. If we don't, I'll stop."
No part of me wanted to believe his claim when trust had always seemed to bite me in the ass. Though, I knew he wasn't asking for mine, but looking for an opportunity to show off how much he trusted his own prediction on my response. As badly as I wanted to say no, pride wouldn't let me sit with that after shaming myself so particular.
"How do you know I won't make us lose on purpose?" I asked.
"You won't," Garren declared with no hesitation. "Like I said, we're alike."
Five simple words I once scoffed at before. Now it triggered something inside me. I didn't know what it was but I wasn't feeling nauseous or as fretful anymore.
When we started hearing applauding, it signalled us that it was our turn now. I walked onto that stage, dismissing the pressuring crowd, harsh spotlights, the questioning thoughts of winning or losing and sat down in front of the rack with my mind focused on one thing; playing alongside the king of the Aces.
**
The whole game had slightly been a blur with me. All I could recall was scrambling my brain for the best paths to narrow down the possibilities and reading Garren's expression for a lead. I'd gotten a few but Garren had definitely gotten more if I was counting. It was almost like he could see the answer written on my forehead. I couldn't help but feel impressed. So much so that the alarm to indicate time was up went off before I knew it.
Garren wore the grin of a champion straight away and I was seriously curious to how someone could be so confident. On a good point, the boy had an optimistic outlook on life. Even if that was only his own life, so to speak.
As he'd predicted, the game ended in our win. Triston High made 4 identifications out of 15. We, on the other hand made 9.
There was high spirited applauses as we were awarded the trophy and also the specialised set for the board game, Triston High getting to keep their own too.
It was great to receive the commending gesture from the rest of the teams. The juniors were clapping, Will patted my shoulder while Ben playfully messed up my hair. Ewen even gave me a proud nod. Well, it didn't seem any different from his usual ones but that was what I was choosing to take it as.
When we began to depart, I had to make a quick stop to the toilets because I really needed it this time. When I was stepping out, I once again encountered that hate filled glower. Amina stood by the entrance with the arms crossed.
"You do like Garren."
I held back an eye roll. "I'm not in the mood for this, can we just get on the bus? Everyone'll be waiting."
Amina's brows arched at my tone. "So you admit it."
"No, I don't fancy him, Amina. Would you please relax?"
"Don't try and play innocent. I actually trusted you to share with you how I feel and you just swoop in at the opportunity to claim the win with Garren. As if you actually did any of the work."
I frowned. I wasn't sure when it happened but Amina Pahlavi no longer held an angelic glow. No longer did I feel compelled to straighten up in her presence. Although still had the demeanor of a goddess.
The goddess of the dead.
"Don't even think for a moment Garren is actually gonna give you the time of the day." She said.
"Oh yes, because he doesn't go for plain janes like me, right?"
The caught off guard look on Amina's face was all I needed as confirmation. I'd suspected that in the malicious commenters on the fan site, she was among them. There was one in particular that stated quote, "in the club". Not the name of it or any elaboration like any of the others. It was informal as if they were a member of Coeus themselves.
I'd truly wanted to give Amina the benefit of the doubt but that honestly just felt... exhausting.
"Y'know what, I don't think this whole being friends thing is gonna work out," I said.
Amina recovered from the reveal, eyes narrowing. "As if I'd want anything to do with a backstabber." She spat, turning on her heels.
It was there that it sank in.
How easily she could just turn all blame and cast me aside as the enemy was because I was never an ally. I was never anything that mattered. I was only something to use to her convenience. Just like every other 'pretty' girl back home.
They were graceful, charming and I'd be swept away by the attention. Then tossed aside like garbage.
'Stevie don't be so clingy, I just sat next to you for the test okay?'
'I was trying to be nice but you don't need to always be such a smart arse. That's why no one talks to you.'
'Admit it, you only answer all the questions to get attention. You're so full of it.'
'If you're so smart, why do you dress like a retard?'
I wasn't sure whether it was hurt or anger that got me, but I wasn't content with letting her walk just like that. I'd had it.
"It must really kill you inside," I started.
Amina halted in her steps, glancing back at me.
"No matter what, you'll just be nothing more than a feminism compromise to Garren huh?"
I'd hit a nerve. Unmistakably. Amina's expression couldn't have been more of a dead giveaway of that. It was the first time I'd spoke without considering the consequences whatsoever and I didn't need to wait long for the out come when all at once, fingers slashed across my face. A scorching heat spread along my cheek but the surprise quickly subsided and I was left feeling ultimately numb. A letdown. Just like her.
Amina's nostrils were flaring, eyes holding a glint like she was close to tearing up and fingers trembling. Either because that was the first time she'd hit someone or she was that emotional. I couldn't care less at that point. She was such a shameful sight- what had I admired in this girl past looks?
"I rest my case." I stomped past her, my hand absentmindedly traces my cheek but not once did I look back.