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Heaven
(The chapter starts with a shot of Heaven's golden gates. The gates open and "Cherub Towne" is shown. Cletus flies in front of the camera)
Cletus: Well, howdy! I'm Cletus! Welcome to Heaven! Guess you did somethin' good to get here, and good people deserve to give loved ones special blessin's!
(Cuts to a man jumping out of an airplane. He pulls the ripcord to release his parachute, only for it to snap off instead. He splats onto a rock while a censoring cloud bubble reads "OWIE!")
Collin: ♫ Does it make you want to cry? ♫
(Cuts to another person getting run over by a speeding train from a tunnel as "Oh No!" appears in a censor cloud)
Keenie: ♫ When your loved one has to die? ♫
(Scene goes to another man who accidentally shoots himself in the face with a shotgun. "Oopsie!" is seen in another censor cloud)
Cletus: ♫ Does it hurt you through and through? ♫
(Clip shows a struggling man's face turning blue in a hangman's noose. A stylized version of Cletus's head fades into view with a sad face and a tear running down his cheek)
All: ♫ When your face is turnin' bluuuuue? ♫
Collin: ♫ Well, luckily for you... ♫
Keenie: ♫ There's somethin' we can do! ♫
Cletus: ♫ We can help keep them alive, ♫
All: ♫ So you can watch them thrive! ♫
(All three pose together. The orange C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appears with a registered trademark symbol. The letters appear as they are sung)
All: ♫ 'Cause here at C.H.E... R.U.B.! ♫
(Cletus rescues a woman from a pack of wild animals. Keenie pushes a scared Collin in front of them, as he holds a plank of wood with a nail in it)
Collin: ♫ We'll save your honeybun from dying violently! ♫
(The C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appears again)
All: ♫ 'Cause here at C.H.E....R.U.B.! ♫
(Cletus is shown waving a dismissive hand at a person handing him a handful of dollar bills)
Keenie: ♫ No, we never even ask a fee! ♫
(Collin and Keenie give each other a hug in a yellow heart background)
Collin: ♫ Because good people spread the love! ♫
(Small hearts of light spread out around a spinning Earth in space)
Keenie: ♫ And we're here for all above! ♫
(A stressed Collin rapidly writes on piles of paperwork in an office)
Cletus: ♫ We do the paperwork for you! ♫
(Keenie lifts a boulder from a woman trapped under and flattened by a boulder, who gives her a thumbs up)
Collin: ♫ And the heavy liftin', too! ♫
(The three Cherubs comfort a horribly wounded man after a car crash. he is bleeding profusely from a neck wound)
Cletus: ♫ So sit right back ♫
(The three Cherubs appear back on the screen and sing in harmony. They pose some more)
All: ♫ And let us bless a soooul for you! Oh, we... are the C.H.E.R.U.B.! ♫
Hell - I.M.P Headquarters
(The Cherubs appear on a small, old-fashioned TV which zooms out onto the I.M.P Headquarters. Blitza blasts the TV with her flintlock pistol, and it explodes)
Millie: Nice one, B!
Blitza: Gimme another, Mox.
(Moxxie nervously sweeps away the flaming debris and puts another old-fashioned TV onto the stand. She turns it on with a scared look on her face. The 666 news logo appears. Blitza pours gunpowder into her flintlock)
Blitza: Eh, nah. Not feelin' it. Next!
(Moxxie switches the channel. A demonically dressed Betty Boop appears in black and white, dancing erotically with prominent, bouncing breasts, holding a pitchfork. Moxxie flinches in anticipation. Blitza and Millie look bored)
Blitza: Uh-huh. Keep going, keep goin', keep goin'...
(Moxxie switches the channel again. Wally Wackford appears on the screen dressed in white with a black top hat, holding a cane)
Wally Wackford: I say, I say, are you lookin' to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets?
(Wally whacks his cane on the wall at either side of him, producing the graphics for "CRAZY CONTRAPTIONS" and "GOOFY GADGETS" as he speaks)
Wally Wackford: WELL, call me at Wacky Wally Wackford's Wacky Idea Factory,
(The Wacky Wally Wackford's Wacky Idea "Factory" ™ title appears against a similar circular background of classic old cartoons)
Wally: where you make the things and I make the money!
(Wally moves close to the screen with a pleading look)
Wally: Please! I'm very desperate!
Blitza: Bingo!
(Blitza shoots and explodes the TV again, scattering debris)
Millie: WOO! You're on a roll, ma'am!
(The camera pans over to Y/n who rubs Loona's head who is lying on his lap snoring and drooling while sleeping. She has one foot up on the table that twitches in her sleep. A plastic cup with Y/n's name written on it and filled with water sits on the table next to Loona's foot. She is awoken by a rumbling which also knocks Y/n's cup over, spilling its contents)
Loona: Guys... do you feel that?
Blitza: Oh, shit! Is that a hellshake?
Y/n: That's not a thing.
Moxxie: That's possible?
Millie: Alright! Don't panic, Moxxie!
(Moxxie's tail stiffens from being startled by Millie's sudden outburst. She then grabs her arms in an attempt to "calm" her)
Moxxie: I'm not-
(She holds up finger quotes)
Moxxie: -"panicking," because just like Y/n said, hellquakes don't happen.
(Loona roughly grabs hold of Moxxie and shakes her)
Loona: STOP GETTING HYSTERICAL, FATTY!
(Loona slaps Moxxie in the face, sending her flying against the wall and slightly dazing her. She is then knocked down further by what appears to be a wrecking ball made of black tubes Part of the wall crumbles on top of Moxxie, crushing her.
As the dust clears, the wrecking ball untangles into multiple robotic tentacles and a supervillain-esque demon uses two of them to hoist himself into the room through the hole, covering himself with his cape. Loona growls while on all fours)
Loopty Goopty: Do not be afraid!
(The man grins and extends his robotic tentacles)
Blitza: Please tell me you got that insurance thing.
Y/n: Nope.
(Millie takes out her black axe)
Millie: Who are you, and what do you want?!
(Loopty Goopty extends a tentacle into a loop-de-loop and slides along it to the other side of the room)
Loopty: I am Loopty Goopty! Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopiiiiiish!
Loona: Coulda just used the door, dude. Doesn't need to be this whole thing.
Loopty: I am eccentric and must therefore do eccentric SHIT!
(Loopty Goopty does a wavy dance)
Y/n: Yeah. We can see that.
(Blitza sniffs him and flinches)
Blitza: Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?
Loopty: YEEEEES! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me HEEEERE!
(Loona taps on her phone)
Loona: Just sayin'... the front door would've gotten you here fine.
Loopty: Shut up, dear furry!
(Loona growls in anger. Y/n glares at Loopty, fire appearing in his eyes, Loopty Goopty flinches and turns to Blitza)
Loopy: This is the man I'm gonna need you to kiiiill!
(He holds up an old photo of an old bald man in a bed. Blitza takes the photo from him)
Blitza: Not even a shit's length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge. I can respect a man with that sort of passion! I'm Blitzo, the "A" is silent.
(Loona walks away as Blitza walks over to Loopty and shakes his hand)
Loopty: What "a"?
Blitza: Aww, thank you.
(She shakes her hips)
Blitza: Now, what's the tea, sis?
Loopty: The TEAAAA?!
(Moxxie's arm appears as she struggles under the weight of the debris)
Moxxie: Guys, help!
Blitza: Yeah, why are we killin' this guy?
(She elbows Loopty)
Blitza: I mean, what did he do to you?
(Moxxie's arm inches back and she squeals in pain)
Moxxie: LOSING... OX--!
Loopty: He was... my business partner! You see, I was not always an old man!
(An old film montage in brown shades depict Loopty's early life)
Loopty: My partner Lyle and I ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics, a technological empire!
(Lyle and Loopty pose with capes and spiral glasses on top of a tall building labeled "Lyle-Loopty Robotics". The building is surrounded by factories and columns spewing smoke. A line of text fades into view at the bottom of the screen reads "very dramatic re-enactment from earlier that day", with a question mark at the end joining it seconds after)
Loopty Goopty: Earlier today, we were testing a new machine intended to stop, or reverse, the aging process!
(The clips show Loopty putting wires together and Lyle tightening a bolt with a wrench. The two stand by a large white machine labeled "De-age-ifier." Loopty is briefly seen slapping Lyle on the ass)
Loopty: It could've saved all three trillionaires!
(Cuts to the interior of the De-age-ifier machine. The handle twists and the door swings open. Cuts back to Lyle and Loopty. Lyle puts on his goggles and the two step into the machine)
Loopty: Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine on the poor, like we usually do. We were too sure of our own genius! But the machine was accidentally set FORWARD!
(The two men stroll into the chamber and close the metal door. A lever next to the door labeled "YOUNG" and "OLD" is set to "OLD" at the bottom)
Loopty: By the time we managed to get out... it was too late! At least... for me!
(The two men struggle to open the door, pounding on it. Both of them rapidly shrivel up and age. Loopty stares in horror at his shriveling hands. Lyle grows old and fat and slides to the floor. Loopty clutches at his chest as he suffers a heart attack, then falls dead to the ground, his leg twitching.
A man opens the door, sees the two men, and motions for doctors to come in. They put a stethoscope over Loopty's heart, and they shake their heads somberly. A woman puts an oxygen mask over Lyle's nose and mouth. Loopty's body is zipped shut in a body bag)
Loopty: Now, that evil son of a bitch is going to take over the empire WE BUILT TOGETHER! Without me to share it with, he'll make all the goddamn money in the world and become the fourth trillionaire... and get ALL the credit!
(Scene cuts to Lyle laughing evilly as piles of money rain down on him)
Blitza: Ehhh, that's not really evil.
Loopty: It's evil towards meeee!
(Cuts to Moxxie, still stuck under the rubble. She weakly reaches her hand out for help)
Moxxie: Everything... is going... dark--
(Y/n walks over to Moxxie)
Y/n: Hold on.
(Y/n grabs Moxxie's hand and pulls her from under the rubble. Moxxie clings onto Y/n while taking deep breaths)
Loopty: Now, get your crimson asses up above and send that heartless, no-good son of a bitch to Hell, where he belongs!
Blitza: Eh, y- y- y- You do know, Poopty--
Loopty: Looooptyyyy!
(Blitza holds her hands up defensively)
Blitza: Of course! Of course... If we do kill him, though, and he ends up down here... y'know, you will be stuck with him. Forever.
Loopty: Oh, trust me...
(Loopty summons an array of weapons from his back on a series of mechanical armatures: a pistol, a rifle, a missile launcher, and a circular saw blade)
Loopty: I'm counting on it.
(Moxxie is strained but gives a thumbs up)
Moxxie: That's kinda hot!
(Everyone glances at Moxxie)
Earth
(Scene cuts to the I.M.P. crew wearing wigs and disguises on a tour bus. Moxxie looks through binoculars at Lyle's mansion)
Moxxie: Gee! I wonder whose house this is.
Y/n: The guy was not kidding, this guy has a shit ton of money. I'm going to burn that place after...
Tour Guide: And to your right is the home of famous inventor, Lyle Lipton!
(The crowd "oohs" and takes pictures with their cell phones. Blitza removes her sunglasses, wearing a clown wig)
Blitza: Let's do it, gang!
(Y/n and the three Imps pull out their weapons: Blitza a flintlock pistol, Moxxie an assault rifle, Millie two sharp swords and Y/n grabs two bazooka's. They jump over a fence and land in poses)
Millie: Let's kill this rich guy!
(Y/n and the Imps race over toward the windows)
Tour Guide: And here you'll find four tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder! Things like this could happen to famous people all the time!
(People snap pictures. Y/n, Blitza and Millie dash over to the window, while Moxxie slides on her back. Moxxie peers through the window, joined by Y/n and the sock puppet cat on Blitza's tail)
Moxxie: Wow...
Y/n: Ew...
(Millie and Blitza then join them in looking through the window. Cuts to the interior of the room. Lyle Lipton is lying on his bed, an IV bag attached to him. A heart rate monitor sits on a shelf next to the IV bag. A TV screen and video player sit at the other side of his bed, connected to the bed itself. Lyle is holding a framed picture in his hands, looking at it sadly)
Moxxie: That machine really did a number on him.
Y/n: That's a huge understatement.
(Zooming in, Lyle kisses the picture, his hands trembling)
Lyle: Goodbye... my one true love.
(Lyle runs a finger down the picture lovingly. The picture in the frame is shown to consist of a stock image of dollar bills with a "Free Stock Photos" watermark over it. Lyle then puts the frame down and grabs the tube from his IV bag and begins tying it)
Lyle: All the riches of the world can't fill the emptiness I'm feeling now that my shitty old body can't do anything of value.
Blitza: Oh, fantastic! He's gonna do our job for us!
(Lyle finishes making a noose out of the tube, pulling the knot taught)
Moxxie: Should we go in there and tie it for him?
(Lyle is about to put the makeshift noose over his head as Y/n and the Imps watch with drinks and popcorn. The noose glows white and a concussive force knocks the Imps back. Blitza's cat sock is blown away by the blast, making her sad. Lyle adjusts to the light and sees the three Cherubs floating down gracefully in three rays of light)
Lyle: Oh lord, I'm being haunted by ugly orphan children now!
(Cuts to Y/n, Blitza and Moxxie recovering from the sudden blast of light. Moxxie rubs her head)
Blitza: Who the fuck are they?
Moxxie: Oh, no!
Y/n: Blitz, those are...
Cletus: Cherubs, Mr. Lyle!
Lyle: I hate filthy, stinking orphan children!
Collin: We're here to convince you not to kill yourself, sir. To grant you a blessing, on behalf of those in Heaven... benefited by your amazing... technological advances.
Blitza: Oh, HEEEELL no!
(An angry Blitza rolls up her sleeve, hoisting her flintlock pistol at the same time. She then marches in through the window, smashing the glass instantly)
Blitza: Don't listen--
(Misjudging where the floor is in relation to the window, Blitza face-plants onto the floor, multiple glass shards sticking out of her. Y/n and Moxxie enter through a door to the side, Millie peeking in)
Moxxie: Lyle Lipton, it is our--
(Moxxie glances at Blitza before looking back at Lyle)
Moxxie: ...humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die.
Millie: I mean, what do you expect to do with all this money now you're old... and gross?
Y/n: Yeah, not even a gold digger would go for you.
Keenie: Is that a serious question?
(Keenie adjusts Lyle's bedsheets, revealing his wallet full of dollar bills. Cletus grabs the wallet)
Keenie: He can help spread his wealth around with the people of the world! And do so much good with it! And be so fulfilled!
(Keenie flies around, grabbing Lyle's wallet from Cletus and happily throws Lyle's dollar bills in the air which Y/n grabs and puts into his pocket)
Lyle: Nnnno!
Collin: He could pay for new hospitals and schools!
(Lyle grips his blanket)
Lyle: Why won't you let me die?
(Blitza appears beside him)
Blitza: Oh, sounds like ya need help offin' yourself there, buddy. Moxxie, what do we got for this fella?
(Moxxie reaches into her coat and tosses a variety of weapons to Blitza and Lyle. They each catch an assault rifle, Blitza also catching a crossbow with her tail)
Moxxie: I have some assault weapons, crossbow, hunting bow, Tommy gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three colors, chainsaws, katanas--
Y/n: I got some bazooka's if you wanna go out with a bang.
Collin: He's classier than that!
Y/n: You sure?
(Lyle points the assault rifle into his mouth, before Collin takes it from him)
Collin: There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle!
Millie: Yeah, right. Smells like he ain't been out of bed in months!
(Millie sniffs Lyle. She becomes visibly ill, covering her mouth, and holds Y/n by his amr as she vomits on the floor. Y/n pats her on the back)
Cletus: Life can be beautiful at any age!
Keenie: And we'll show him!
Cletus, Collin, and Keenie: Yeah!
Y/n, Blitza, Moxxie, and Millie: NOOOOO--!
-----Time Skip-----
(The three cherubs roll Lyle in his bed outside to a hill overlooking a forest and a lake)
Cletus: Look around, Lyle. God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age! Or wealth!
Collin: If you were to end your life, you'd be missing aaaaaall of this!
(Blitza appears in a tiger costume with Y/n who has grown a tail and two wolf ears)
Blitza: Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?
(Blitza does a suggestive gesture with her fingers, indicating sex. Keenie covers her mouth and gasps. Collin blankly stares in disbelief, and Cletus gives a disappointed look)
Keenie: That is so inappropriate!
(Millie and Moxxie appear in cat costumes)
Millie: Oh, kiss our ass, prude!
(She flips a double bird. Blitza shoves Lyle aside in the face and sits next to him after she gives Y/n a wink)
Blitza: Aaaanyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close.
(Blitza grabs a pair of binoculars out of nowhere. Y/n's hand glows red and he smirks. Lyle looks through the binoculars and sees an adorable group of bunnies and squirrels together. The critters are suddenly torn apart and eaten by a pack of hungry wolves with glowing red eyes)
Lyle: Ohhhh, noooo!
(Collin tries to tug his binoculars away)
Collin: S-Stop looking!
(Lyle holds onto the binoculars)
Lyle: I CAN'T stop! I've never wanted to die more than I do now!
(A bear with glowing red eyes swipes a wolf to the ground. It raises a paw to attack but is then crushed by a falling tree, cut down by a beefy logger with a chainsaw and red eyes. A beehive lands on the man's head and he screams, flailing his head to get the hive off while also throwing his chainsaw into the air.
The chainsaw comes back down, cutting both of the man's arms off and causing him to scream harder, before his body is skewered from behind by the antlers of a charging stag as lighting flashes dramatically. Everyone freezes in horror, Y/n and Blitza faking it before grinning smugly)
Y/n: Goodness.
Cletus: Uhhh, let's go check out someplace else!
(Millie and Moxxie bump fists, the paws of their cat costumes squeaking)
-----Time Skip-----
(Cuts to a shopping mall. Lyle in his bed is pushed through the door hard enough to destroy both it and part of the wall surrounding it)
Lyle: Oh, Lord! Where are we now?! Let me perish!
Keenie: We're here to show you another thing life is worth living for: childhood wonderment!
(Keenie motions to a crowd of kids cheering by a sitting Santa Claus. One kid wears a "Craft Mine" shirt, while another eats his booger)
Lyle: Why... look at those sweet, disease-ridden vermin. Th- Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood... and their middle-class existence! Such simple joy they have. It is inspiring. Thank you for showing me this.
Blitza: Hey, dipshit!
(Pans over to Y/n, Blitza and Millie dressed as elves, while a grumpy Moxxie wears a Rudolph costume. They stand by Santa with a kid in his lap)
Y/n: Hey, kids. Wanna see whose lap you're sittin' on?!
(Y/n grabs Santa's beard and rips off the costume. "Santa" is revealed to be an ugly, sweaty gnome wearing a "#Cuties" shirt and underwear, making a gnome noise. The kids scream and run in terror. Lyle sobs like a baby as Collin and Keenie cover his eyes. A concerned Cletus pushes the bed away)
Boy: Santa's EVIL!!
Y/n: Santa's not real!
-----Time Skip-----
(Scene cuts to Lyle in bed in the woods next to a crude wooden sign reading "LOVERS' LOOKOUT", a cartoon heart replacing the O in "LOVERS'". A small note underneath it, possibly written after the fact, reads "I guess...")
Lyle: Egh! This place reeks of TEENAGERS!
Cletus: Lovers' Lookout, sir! We're here to remind you about possibly life's greatest joy of all!
(Lyle holds up creepy, trembling grabby hands)
Lyle: Money!
Collin: No! Love.
Lyle: I've never been in love before. I imagine it's quite anice!
Collin: It's not too late, sir! You can still find--
(Y/n who has transformed into a woman)
(And the Imps who are wearing wigs and dresses arrive)
Blitza: HA! Nice try, ugly. Y/n, megaphone.
(Y/n pulls out a megaphone and hands it to Blitza)
Blitza: Hey, horny lovers! Which one of you would FUCK this old man?!
(All the cars speed away in an instant. Lyle deflates, dejected. Collin gets into Blitza's face)
Collin: You know, you three are so utterly c-c-cruel! We're just trying to give hope to someone in need!
Moxxie: Oh... and you three are so superior to us just because WE want some selfish, greedy, authoritarian capitalist to keel over DEAD!
(Moxxie through her hands out for emphasis)
Blitza: You're makin' things too real now, Moxxie.
(Blitza walks up to Moxxie with a spray bottle labeled "PISS", adjusts the nozzle, then sprays it into Moxxie's face, causing her to flinch and hiss)
-----Time Skip-----
(Cuts to the inside of an auditorium. A woman dressed as a Viking sings opera on stage while wearing a fake unicorn on her lower torso. A well-dressed man plays a grand piano behind her. The cherubs and the audience are also well-dressed, though Lyle only wears a bowtie over his simple, sweat-stained hospital gown)
Cletus: Behold! The wonder of art and music! Somethin' always there to comfort... entertain... and live for!
(Up above the stage, Y/n and the three Imps look down from a catwalk near the ceiling. Blitza wags her butt and tail like a cat)
Millie: So... how do we make this bad?
Y/n: Can we?
Moxxie: We can't. There's literally nothing bad about opera. That's fact.
(Blitza starts shaking her butt in Moxxie's face)
Blitza: Unless we ruin it somehow!
(With a mischievous grin, Blitza grabs the spotlight and moves it away from the singer. The singer pauses and follows the light, resuming her song. Blitza moves the spotlight again, and the singer again pauses to follow it)
Lyle: She's not very good.
(Blitza chuckles softly and moves the light faster and faster around the stage as Lyle and the cherubs narrow their eyes in suspicion. Blitza wiggles the spotlight around aggressively, then gasps as she accidentally breaks it off entirely. The woman sings a final high note before the light crushes her on stage, smashing her to pieces and splattering blood all over the stage. The audience, Lyle, and the cherubs scream, while the pianist nervously tries to keep playing, his face drenched in sweat)
Blitza: Well, at least we made it bad.
(The three cherubs fly angrily up toward Y/n and the Imps)
Cletus: THAT'S IT!! I HAVE HAD IT!! You four monsters have messed with us enough!
Collin: D'ooh, we're just trying to do our j-j-job!
Y/n: Boo fucking hoo!
Moxxie: Well, so are we!
Cletus: EEEENOUGH!!
(The Cherubs summon golden crossbows and aim them at Y/n and the Imps)
Cletus: We are savin' that shitty old man's life, whether he wants it or not!
Blitza: Well, someone wants that fucker dead, m'kay? And he paid in advance, and I spent it all on this...
(Blitza reaches into her coat and pulls out a jewel-encrusted green horse figure wearing sunglasses and a "MARE-AJUANA" cap)
Blitza: ...so he's gotta go!
(Keenie flies into Blitza's face and while that's happening Y/n jumps down into the crowd and sits down while taking out a drink and some popcorn)
Keenie: You all are such disgusting, loathsome beasts! Your kind is nothing but dirt that shitty dead people tread on! And now, you're trying to meddle with the lives of HUMANS?!
(Millie pushes Blitza aside)
Millie: So are you! So why don't you shut your trap, you judgmental...
(She pulls Keenie by her necklace and snaps it back)
Millie: ...cotton candy, tit-havin' BITCH?!
Y/n: Go Mils!
Keenie: ...FILTHY DEMON CRAP!!!
(She tackles Millie. Intense opera music plays as the fight scene begins. Keenie and Millie roll over in a cat fight. Cletus and Collin shoot golden arrows at Blitza and Moxxie who run away, drawing their guns in the process. Millie and Keenie roll off the catwalk. Moxxie sees them and jumps off of the catwalk, grabbing and swinging on a rope. She aims her pistol at Keenie, who is still fighting with Millie as they fall.
Millie and Keenie exchange punches to the face. Moxxie aims up and fires at a rope which releases a sandbag. The sandbag slams into Keenie, separating her and Millie, and Moxxie swings over and catches Millie as Cletus and Collin chase them down, firing their crossbows. Millie grabs Moxxie's face and they stare into each other's eyes with lustful grins.
They make out as they swing above the stage, Millie pulling two machine guns out of Moxxie's coat and firing as they spin rapidly. Blitza climbs onto a catwalk and spots Millie's bra and Moxxie's bow tie fly past her. The bullets hit and kill various audience members in the first two rows, but they all miss Lyle and Y/n blocks all bullets that almost hit him)
Lyle: It's all starting to make sense now! Life is worth living because we only get one! We must cherish it! If creatures far beyond this living world are going through these lengths over my life, then certainly it's worth living! Killing myself is not the answer! Plus... I'm still rich! I can just buy all the things!
(He pulls out two wads of cash in triumph)
Lyle: I NO LONGER CRAVE DEATH!
(The audience claps happily for Lyle while Y/n groans)
Y/n: Boo!
(Y/n grabs his drink and drinks it very loudly. Millie and Moxxie, spinning while firing their guns and being chased by Collin and Keenie, accidentally shoot a woman in the audience in the eye, killing her instantly.
Blitza runs along the metal scaffolding with her flintlock pistol. She jumps onto a bit of scaffolding holing some spotlights attached to the ceiling with a rope. She and Cletus point their weapons at each other. Blitza attempts to fire but finds her gun empty, looking at it in shock. With a wide-eyed glance at Cletus, Blitza throws the flintlock into Cletus' face)
Cletus: Oof! You fucker!
(Momentarily blinded, Cletus recklessly fires an arrow, severing the rope holding up the scaffolding Blitza is standing on and that Moxxie and Millie are swinging from. The three Imps all fall with the metal scaffolding as is smashes onto the floor of the stage, narrowly missing the pianist and cartoonishly bending a board so it holds up the piano at an angle.
The pianist is startled and stops playing, then straightens his bow tie, drops his stool down onto the stage, and uses it to drop down from the bent floorboard. The board then sends the piano flying through the air, breaking in the process. Y/n, Blitza, Moxxie, Millie, Cletus, Collin, and Keenie follow the piano with their eyes as it falls.
Lyle turns to see the piano flying straight towards him, screaming like a girl and scrambling out of his bed into a seat. Unfortunately for him, the piano suddenly shifts to his new location and crushes both him and a few corpses haphazardly shot and killed by Moxxie and Millie. Moxxie grins as she sits tied up to Millie. Y/n, Blitza and the couple grin smugly)
Y/n: Would you look at that!
Moxxie: You... did our job... for us. Heh!
(Millie smirks and gives the cherubs two middle fingers. Cuts to the cherubs staring at Lyle's unfortunate death in utter shock. Collin gasps in horror)
Collin: Ohhhh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my Gooood!
(Keenie grabs Collin by the shirt and slaps him across the face a few times)
Keenie: Get a hold of yourself, Collin! And do NOT use the Lady's name in VAIN!
Cletus: THIS... ISN'T OVER!
(Blitza, Moxxie, and Millie smirk as Keenie creates a portal to Heaven and the cherubs fly through, only to be mysteriously repelled back)
Cletus: WHAT THE--?!!
(A group of cherubs descends, composed of two bees, two sheep and Deerie, the leader. The deer conjures up reading glasses and a clipboard)
Deerie: Mmm, yeah, no, sorry, Cletus, but I'm afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human. I'm afraid you can't re-enter Heaven. Yeaaaah, noooo...
Cletus, Collin, & Keenie: WHAT?!?!
Deerie: Yeaaaah, mmmmm, sorry! Yeaaaah, no...
Collin: Is there...anything we can do?!
(Deerie files her hoof)
Deerie: Yeaaaah, nooo! Noooo, no, no.
(Deerie says "no" while pointing her hooves at Collin, Cletus and Keenie)
Keenie: Bu- But, we didn't mean to! We'd never! It was all--
(Keenie points to the spot where I.M.P. was, only to find them gone. All three cherubs stare wide-eyed, Keenie's pointing hand trembling, whist the sound of a horrified woman screaming plays in the background)
Deerie: Anyway, sorry, guys. But those are the rules! Yeaaaaah. Byyyye!
(Deerie does a happy wave before she and the group vanish through the portal)
Cletus: Wait! But--
(Cletus flies toward the portal but it closes. Cletus breaks down into tears and cries)
Hell - I.M.P Headquarters
(Blitza claps her hands together, transitioning back to the I.M.P. office)
Blitza: Welp, the old man wanted to live again and we didn't kill him, so we failed. Thanks to those fuckin' cherubs, he's probably up in Heaven now, so... It's a shame. All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner. And now the two are forever separated, and now we gotta face the fire of fuckin' up.
Moxxie: Ma'am... when are you going to tell the client?
(Blitza holds up and points at phone)
Blitza: Oh, I already sent him a text, and... we're in good hands, 'cause texts don't make people angry.
(On Blitza's phone it shows that Loopty Goopty is called "Lupis" in her contacts. The text from Loopty reads "U fail, U die.", followed with Blitza replying "sorry" surrounded by emojis, with "saxophone emoji" typed a line below. Moxxie looks worriedly to the wall behind her)
Y/n: 3... 2... 1... Bam.
(Moxxie quickly scurries out of the way as a metal escalator proceeds to crash into the office)
Loopty: BLIIIIIITZ!
Blitza: Loofaaaaa! We can explain everything. I was--...
(Another metal escalator crashes through the wall and squashes Moxxie as Lyle, now a mechanical demon with piano keys for teeth and a rolling ball in place of legs, arrives with a grin. Moxxie twitches stiffly in pain)
Y/n, Blitza & Millie: Lyle Lipton?!
Millie: I don't understand. We thought you went to Heaven.
Lyle: Heaven?! You don't make millions in technological advances in robotics by NOT experimenting on the poor!
(He laughs)
Loopty: Oh, you no-good, HEARTLESS son of a BITCH!
(He turns to Blitza)
Loopty: Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend!
Lyle: The only question now is what do two old genius robotic inventors do now that we're in Hell?
(Wally Wackford crashes through the ceiling)
Wally: Did someone say, I say, inventors?! Name's Wally Wackford, and I am lookin' for creative new people to exploit!
(He realizes what he said and twirls his mustache)
Wally: I mean, employyyyy~
Blitza: Everyone, STOP FUCKIN' UP MY WALLS! Moxxie's gonna have to fix all this shit!
(Moxxie is shown trapped, frothing at the mouth and groaning in agony)
Blitza: Oh, chill out, Moxxie. If you kiss my ass any harder, you'll go right inside me. Satan's balls! First we deal with Heaven's table-scraps, now this?
Wally: I guess... you can say, you say, you have a... holey operation here, Blitza!
(He pronounced as spelled. Wally slaps his knee and laughs. Loopty scratches his neck awkwardly)
Blitza: Get out.
(Wally continues laughing, doubling over onto the floor. Lyle and Loopty glance at each other awkwardly)
Wally: Oh! I say, oh!
Blitza: No, I'm serious. Get the FUCK OUT!!
(Loopty, Lyle, Millie, and Wally all look at Blitza, shocked and surprised by her sudden rage. Y/n uses his telekinesis to throw the three extras out of the building, he then fixes the walls and frees Moxxie)
-----Time Skip-----
(Y/n is driving back towards the hazbin hotel after his work day. Suddenly Y/n is surrounded by a huge and bright flash, Y/n looks at his body)
Y/n: What the fu-
(Y/n suddenly vanishes his car continues driving and crashes into a nearby shop killing a bunch of demons)
Heaven - God's Throne Room
(Y/n appears in God's throne room, he looks around confused as hell)
Y/n: Where the hell am I?
God: You're in my throne room my dear~
(Y/n stops when he hears the familiar female voice behind him, Y/n slowly turns around and sees a woman sitting on a golden throne, smiling down at him)
Y/n: Ummm... who are you and where am I?
(God giggles)
God: Well dear, I'm God and you are in my throne room.
(Y/n stares at God with wide eyes)
Y/n: God?!
(God smiles widely as she appears right behind Y/n, he flinches when he feels her hands feeling up his whole body)
God: You have no idea how long I have waited for this~!
Y/n: Waiting for what...?
(In another flash of light Y/n drops down onto a big bed while God is holding him down, she licks her lips while Y/n's eyes widen even more as he blushes)
Y/n: Wait! Y-You can't just-
God: Oh but I can~ Let me make on thing clear, you can have other women in your life but I'll be the main one, the first wife~!
(Before Y/n can even respond, God's lips crashes into his)
Hell - Hazbin Hotel
(Once again in a flash Y/n appears at the front doors of the Hazbin Hotel, his hair is a completel mess, red marks all over his face and neck, his eyes wider than ever before. Y/n opens the doors and walks inside. Outside the hotel people can hear women screaming as they see Y/n's condition, Vaggie and Charlie are checking Y/n over, Alice is shaking while looking at Y/n and Angel Dust is complaining that someone fucked Y/n again)
Charlie: What happened to you?!
Y/n: Let's just say, I had an enlightening experience.
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EP 7: C.H.E.R.U.B. IS DONE :)
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Word Count: 5585
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