Since then, Killian has always been at the university. I always see him around. At first, I was confused about why the university let an alumnus walk around the campus and loiter in the corridor where classes were still going.
Kung noon ay nagtataka rin ako kung bakit kahit graduating si Killian ay hindi s'ya mukhang busy. As if he has time on his hands. But now that he already graduated, I stopped questioning myself. They own businesses. He was the boss. Kaya kumpara noon, mukhang mas marami nang oras si Killian ngayon.
And then, I remembered that he's a Romanov. By now, I realized that their family could do anything they wanted. Including being around the university even if he already graduated.
I was wrong when I thought that I could get away from him easily just because he finally graduated. Of course, he wouldn't be around the university anymore. Mas madali akong makakaiwas. But as half of the semester went by, I already accepted the fact that there was really no escaping him.
Nagtataka pa nga ang mga kaklase ko noong una. Palagi kasing nandoon si Killian. Like before, he was always outside our room. Hindi naman araw-araw pero sa kagaya n'yang graduated na sa university, it was really unusual that he was still going around the campus.
But they got used to it quickly. They were even happy that they could still see a Romanov around. Nalungkot daw kasi sila that the Romanov brothers already graduated. They thought they wouldn't see them again. So, Killian being around was a happiness for them.
Which was so opposite for me.
Inis na inis ako. I was trying to get Killian out of my system and my life. Pero kung palagi ko s'yang nakikita, mahihirapan akong gawin 'yon. And the devil seemed like he was enjoying my misery. He even looked more comfortable around. He was enjoying himself, entertaining my block mates when they were talking to him, especially those girls who obviously liked him. Parang nang-iinis pa nga s'ya.
Fortunately, Killian didn't try to approach me either. He was just... around. As if he wanted me to know that he was always there, watching me. As if he didn't want me to think that I finally got rid of him. As if he didn't want me to forget about him, to forget about my feelings for him. Even just for a second.
But still, I tried my best not to mind him. Hindi ko s'ya pinapansin. I've never talked to him again after the first day of class. Iniwasan ko s'ya. Hindi ko na s'ya kinausap.
But I guess, even if I did all of that, it wasn't enough. Like a predator who already caught his prey, he wouldn't let me escape from his claws anymore.
"Aren't you really gonna tell me what happened between you and Killian?"
I glanced at Annika. Nagdi-discuss 'yung prof namin harap but it didn't even stop her from asking me that. Siguro ay hindi na talaga s'ya nakatiis. I could imagine that ever since that first day of class, she wanted to ask me what happened. Alam kong doon pa lang, may nahalata na s'ya. May na-confirm pa siguro ang hinala n'yang when Killian began to stick around pero hindi naman kami nag-uusap.
To be honest, I was even surprised that it took Annika this long to ask me.
"Do I have to?" tanong kong sa harap nakatingin.
Annika fell silent. Hindi kaagad s'ya nakasagot. I closed my eyes when I realized that I might've offended her. I looked at her to apologize but she had a guilty look on her face.
"You don't," mahina n'yang sabi. "But... I feel guilty. I was the one who pushed you and Killian together. I think... I somewhat forced you to spend time with him even if you didn't want to. Like when I asked him to be our model without even asking you first."
I took a deep breath. I didn't know that Annika was feeling this way.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Annika." Muli na akong tumingin sa harap. "It's not your fault that I fell in love with him."
As soon as I said those words, I suddenly questioned myself. What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I fall in love with a man like Killian Romanov? I admit that I knew there was already something different about him but it didn't stop me from developing feelings for him. Maybe because I've felt how to be with him, how caring and thoughtful he was, and how to be loved by him.
Kaya sa kabila ng mga takot ko, ng mga naranasan ko... My stubborn heart was still beating for him.
"I'll tell you everything later," I said.
When I looked at Annika again, she seemed surprised at first. But then, she flashed me a relieved smile.
Ah... That's right. I still have a friend. Hindi ko kailangang sarilinin 'to. I can confide everything with her.
Annika decided to have a sleepover at the house. Para raw makapagkwento ako nang maayos. May pakiramdam daw kasi s'yang magiging mahaba ang kwento ko kaya hindi na muna nagpakwento kaninang nasa university kami. Isa pa, nandoon si Killian. Sa palagay ko rin ay hindi ko masasabi sa kanya ang lahat kung nasa paligid lang ang pinag-uusapan naming.
There wouldn't be any problem though. Wala naman kaming pasok bukas.
Annika was quiet as I told her what happened. She was just listening intently, lying on the bed while I was sitting up, my back on the headboard, and I was hugging my pillow.
"I knew it," Annika said when I finished talking. "Of all the rumors I've heard about the Romanovs, they being in the Mafia is the one I actually believed."
"Really?"
She nodded eagerly.
"Yes!" Natigilan s'ya saglit. She then shrugged her shoulders. "Oh, but I also believed about Kill's cock piercing though, but of course, it'd be better if I see it to confirm, right?"
Napapikit ako nang mariin. I groaned in annoyance.
Trust Annika to make every conversation lewd.
"Annika, that's not even our topic."
Kahit naman alam kong may ideya si Annika na may nangyari na sa 'min ni Killian, I didn't want to be detailed about it. I didn't want to share it. I'm not... comfortable.
And I guess, I was being selfish too. Gusto ko, sa amin lang 'yon ni Killian. It was a precious moment for me.
"But it's one of the rumors about him," she reasoned. Nang tingnan ko s'ya nang masama ay tumikhim s'ya. "Right. As I've said, I quickly believed that rumor about them. That Romanov is a Bratva family. I didn't even doubt it though I'm not sure where and how the rumor started. I didn't know if someone confirmed it but that rumor goes around a lot. I think it's because many believed it too."
"Even though it wasn't really confirmed?"
She nodded.
"I guess there wouldn't be any confirmation needed. I mean it's quite obvious. Just one look at both brothers and anyone would know that they're powerful and... dangerous."
"That's what I thought too!" I said with so much enthusiasm that Annika eyed me.
Nagulat lang kasi ako! Hindi ko kasi alam na ganoon din pala ang tingin ni Annika sa mga Romanov. She likes them. And then she even implied that that's what everyone thought. It means that I'm normal! I was even worried that something might've been wrong with me dahil sa nararamdaman ko para kay Killian.
But... Annika didn't see what I saw. It was only me who saw what Killian did and how brutal he can be. Normal pa rin ba kung sa kabila ng mga 'yon, hindi man lang nabawasan ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya?
"There's more," Annika continued. Umakto pa na parang may malaking sekreto s'yang sasabihin that she even got up and knelt on the bed to look at me properly. "Their family is rich. Like filthy rich-rich. They have lots of businesses. Bars, clubs, hotels, casinos, and so much more that I even forgot. Like... They're everywhere!"
I frowned.
"I didn't know any hotel that is owned by the Romanov."
Ilang hotel na ba ang napuntahan ko dahil minsan ay sumasama ako sa mga fashion show ni Mommy at doon sila nag-i-stay? I often searched about the hotel they would stay at. Dahil pangarap ko ngang maging fashion designer, I already researched in advance in case there would be a time in the future that I would hold my own fashion show too. Kaya ngayong maaga pa lang, inaalam ko na ang mga bagay na kakailanganin ko.
And so, I often searched for the best hotels. It was already my advantage that I could experience their service dahil nga minsan ay sumasama ako kay Mommy. But of all of them, walang kahit anong hotel doon ang pagmamay-ari ng mga Romanov. I'm sure that the hotel would be famous as the family is powerful.
"Oh, no. That's not how the Mafia works," Annika said. "Listen, okay? I'll explain to you since you're so... clueless."
"Thank you very much," I deadpan.
But Annika ignored my sarcasm.
"So, there's the Pakhan, right? The head of the Bratva. He's the one who's making sure that everything in the family is going well. He deals with something else, something more... mafia head-ish work so he doesn't directly handle the businesses. Instead, it is the underlings that run the business. They have their cuts, of course, but most of the money goes to the Pakhan."
"Isn't that unfair? He gets more money but he isn't even the one who works for it?"
The moment I asked that, I realized how stupid I was. That's how the corporation works. That's how employment works. It was the employees who suffered most. Sila 'yung madalas na nagpapakahirap sa pagtatrabaho but it was the owner of the company that earned the most, 'yung mas yumayaman. But the employees would just stay as they were. Hirap pang makaipon.
Bahagyang natawa si Annika. Natahimik na lang ako. Medyo nahiya dahil hindi pa nga masyadong marami ang alam ko.
"No, Irina... The fact that they're working under a powerful family is already too much of a repayment. They have so many privileges in their world. Besides, the money flows inside the family, anyway, since the Pakhan needs to maintain the status and the power of the family."
Napatango-tango ako.
"Right... More money, more power."
"And," she emphasized. "Strength, intelligence, and strategy are important too."
I wasn't even surprised to know that the Romanovs were rich. The fact that Killian has his own expensive car, his own place, his own building, and a penthouse already says a lot.
I thought the Mafia's world was complicated. I thought they always needed to kill like it was part of their everyday lives. But with what Annika had told me, I realized that they operate like... normal corporations... But with added violence and illegal things.
Annika enumerated some of the Romanovs' businesses. All legal ones. But I know, and I'm sure of it, that they do illegal business too.
After all, that's how the world knows when they hear the word Mafia.
An organized crime syndicate.
So, they do illegal things too. And I already witnessed how illegal a Mafia could be.
"You seem to know a lot about the Mafia," I commented. Kahit nga kung paano mag-operate sa loob ng organization, may alam din si Annika.
"Well... you know that I like Serj and Kill, right? When I heard the rumors about them being Mafias, being made men, I kinda... researched about it."
Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kanya.
"Kinda?" Hindi kasi ako naniniwala ro'n. Sa dami ba naman ng mga sinabi n'ya sa 'kin.
"Yeah..." She smiled. Pero duda ako sa sagot n'yang 'yon.
"You believed that rumor but..." I pursed my lips. "You still like them?"
She shrugged.
"It doesn't really bother me. That's what they are. I can't do anything about it."
"But you said it yourself that they're dangerous."
Natawa s'ya.
"Silly. It's not like they'll kill me just because I like them. I can understand though that the thought of the Mafia is frightening but they won't resort to violence unless they need to. They're not... unreasonable. That's why they called it an organized crime syndicate."
Natahimik ako saglit. I didn't know if what she said should comfort me.
"Then..." Nag-alangan pa ako but I already told her everything anyway. "Is it okay for you if ever the man that you... that you love is a made man?"
"Of course!" mabilis n'yang sagot. Nagduda pa tuloy ako kung pinag-isipan man lang ba n'ya 'yon o hindi. "I told you. It doesn't bother me."
I stared at her. I could see that she was telling the truth. Mukhang siguradong-sigurado pa nga s'ya sa sagot n'ya that she didn't even need to think so much about it. Like what I've been doing all along.
So, it wouldn't bother her if her man's doing illegal business? She wouldn't mind it if her man's doing illegal things? Even if there's a possibility that they killed and would kill someone?
"And, actually, Irina..."
I looked at Annika. There was a small smile on her lips and I couldn't tell what kind it was.
"When you told me what Kill did... What he did to those guys," she clarified when she saw the confusion on my face.
She bit her lower lip. Hinintay ko lang s'yang ipagpatuloy ang sasabihin n'ya. For some reason, she looked hesitant. I think I even saw a light tint of blush on her cheeks but I was sure she wasn't wearing any makeup on anymore as we were about to sleep. So, I figured that the blush that I saw was because Annika was embarrassed about what she was gonna tell me.
But then her smile widened. I even saw a naughty glint in her eyes.
"What Killian did... I actually find it..." She giggled. "Hot."
I blinked.
"What? Are you okay?"
Her giggles were uncontrollable this time.
"I mean..." Umayos pa s'ya ng upo sa kama. "He tortured those guys because they did something horrible to you. And the way he tortured them based on what you told me? I could imagine how angry Kill was because you got hurt. Like—" She even squealed. "He's willing to do that much for you."
"I didn't ask him to do that for me."
"Yeah, but... Those men asked for it the moment they touched you. Like do they think that they could get away from it?" She giggled again. Mukha s'yang kilig na kilig. "I think Killian Romanov is that kind of man who would literally kill anyone who would touch or hurt his woman."
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I didn't even know what to say. I could understand why Annika was reacting this way but I think it was wrong. There were people hurt. Parang mali yatang kiligin dahil doon.
"Killian will do anything for you," Annika said when I remained silent. "He was actually in another town that night when you called me."
"He was?" Nagulat ako roon. "But he got to where I was so quickly."
How could he be there so fast kung nasa malayo naman pala s'ya?
Annika chuckled as she shrugged her shoulders.
"I don't know how he did it. But I know that you're different from all those girls he's been with."
I knew that. Because I don't think that Killian showed them his torture chamber. Hindi n'ya ipinakita sa kanila ang ginawa n'ya sa mga lalaking 'yon. I just couldn't understand why he even showed it to me.
I wouldn't ask why he did what he did to those men as I could see his reason. I could understand. And it was something I didn't want to admit. Dahil palagay ko, mali rin ang maintindihan 'yon. Because it was... unsettling.
As if... As if there was something hidden inside me. Something sickening. And it was only Killian who could unveil it.
I heard Annika groan when I didn't say anything. Nagbalik ang atensyon ko sa kanya.
"C'mon, Irina... Don't you find it hot? The things he'd do for you? That he'd kill for you? I mean if my man was like that, I'd be giving him a mind-wrecking blowjob as a reward."
It was my turn to groan.
"Are you really okay, Annika?" I asked worriedly.
Natawa s'ya sa naging reaksyon ko pero nagseryoso rin naman agad.
"I really envy you," she said. "I want my man like that. If I were you, I'd be falling for Kill even more."
I pursed my lips.
"Maybe you feel like that because you didn't see what I saw."
Napansin kong natigilan s'ya. She suddenly looked guilty. May palagay pa nga akong gustong n'yang bawiin ang mga sinabi n'ya pero hindi n'ya alam kung ano sa mga 'yon. She looked confused and hurt.
I looked away. I didn't like the sudden guilt I felt as well. Kahit ako, nalilito na rin and I really hate feeling this way.
I didn't want Annika to see it. I didn't want her to see my guilt. I didn't want her to see the truth in my eyes. That I understand her. That I'm a hypocrite.
Because just like her, that was what I was feeling too. And it's scaring the hell out of me.
Natatakot akong baka may mali na talaga sa 'kin dahil imbes na mabawasan ang nararamdaman ko para kay Killian, instead of being turned off, I... I was falling even deeper for him.
"I'm sorry," I heard Annika say after a while. "It was insensitive of me to say all of that. You're right. I didn't see what you saw so I have no right to tell you what you should feel."
I felt the bed move beside me. Mukhang humiga na ulit s'ya. I looked at her and she was indeed lying down again. Pero nakatagilid s'ya patalikod sa 'kin.
I sighed. I felt horrible. Hindi naman ganito ang gusto kong mangyari nang mag-decide akong magkwento sa kanya. I was actually relieved that there was someone I could tell my problems to.
It's just that... I'm so scared. Natakot kasi akong mali ang mga nararamdaman ko. Sa akin. I was new to this. Pero masyado naman yatang grabe ang ibinigay sa 'kin.
I decided to stay away from Killian as I was terrified of all the things that he was making me feel. There were good and happy feelings I even thought I was in bliss when I was with him. But... it was those horrible and sickening feelings I was afraid of that I even thought there was something wrong with me.
But Annika... She proved to me that it was okay to feel that way. Na wala naman palang mal isa 'kin. Kaya ngayon, hindi ko na tuloy alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ba'ng dapat kong maramdaman.
I decided to lay down as well. My back was lying straight on the bed as I stared at the ceiling. Ngayon ko na lang ulit hinayaan ang sarili ko na isipin si Killian. Kahit kasi nasa paligid s'ya, kahit halos araw-araw ko pa rin s'yang nakikita, pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong isipin ang anuman tungkol sa kanya.
Even though Killian had this kind of force to distract me so easily, I still tried to focus on my studies instead.
I took a deep breath and sighed. I didn't want that kind of distraction but my heart was not letting me do what I wanted. It still keeps on falling in love with Killian even more.
"Irina," nagulat pa ako sa biglang pagsasalita ni Annika pero nanatili lang s'yang nakatalikod sa 'kin. "To be honest, I'm thankful for what Kill did to those men. They deserved it. Who knows how many victims they had and how many more victims they will have if Kill didn't give them their lesson?"
Gumalaw si Annika. Tumagilid s'ya, but this time, nakaharap na s'ya sa 'kin.
"I know what you saw terrified you and probably scarred you. And I clearly understand now that Killian Romanov is a very dangerous man... But you know what, Irina? I think you're safest with him. I'm certain he'll do everything to protect you."
I... know that. And I think it was one of the reasons why I still feel this way about him.
Even after that talk with Annika, I continued to stay away from Killian. He still didn't try to go near me or even talk to me again. Pero ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin ang presensya n'ya. Alam ko pa rin kung kailan s'ya nasa paligid lang. My classmates were making it hard for me to ignore his presence.
When the second semester came, I was kind of relieved as we needed to do our research paper this time. I have a feeling I would be very busy this time. Baka sa pagkakataong 'to, I would successfully ignore Killian.
It was just bad that Annika wouldn't be my research partner. 'Yung prof na kasi naming ang nag-assign. Gusto ko sana na si Annika na lang para komportable ako. Wala pa naman akong masyadong ka-close sa mga kaklase namin. I didn't want to be awkward with my research partner especially since we would be working on our research for the whole sem.
Fortunately, the partner that was assigned to me was the friendliest guy in our class, Terrence. I like him as a person. He was a gentleman. Dahil mostly sa klase namin ay mga babae, kung minsan, s'ya ang nauutusan kapag may mabibigat na gawain ang kailangan naming gawin. Sometimes, he would do it voluntarily even if we didn't ask for his help.
As we did the research together, I realized how responsible he was. Maaga n'yang natatapos ang part n'ya. Kung minsan nga ay nahihiya pa ako kahit on-time kong natatapos ang part ko. S'ya kasi, palaging maaga kaysa sa napagkakasunduan naming time.
"I could help you if you want," he said when I was about to go to the library to find something for our related literature. Tapos na ang klase namin para sa araw na 'yon.
Mabilis akong umiling. Sinabayan n'ya ako sa paglalakad papuntang library.
"No, it's okay. You're done with your part. It's my work this time."
"And?" He even frowned as if he didn't get my point. "I'll help you."
Natawa ako.
"It's really okay. Don't worry. I can do this."
We stopped in front of the library. He was still frowning as he stared at me.
"I'm not worried that you won't do a good job. I just want to help you."
"Terrence." I smiled at him. "Just take a rest, okay? I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?"
Mas lalo tuloy akong napangiti. He's such a good guy.
"Yes. See you tomorrow."
Ilang sandali pa s'yang nakatayo sa harap ko. Parang ayaw pa nga talagang umalis. But then, he nodded and smiled at me.
"Okay. See you tomorrow, Irina."
I nodded and smiled at him. Tumalikod na s'ya at nagsimulang maglakad palayo.
Hindi muna ako pumasok sa loob ng library. I watched as Terrence walked down the hallway. I was so thankful that he was the partner that was assigned to me. Komportable rin kasi akong kausap s'ya. Hindi tuloy ako nahihiyang magbigay ng opinion at ideas para sa research namin.
I blinked when I noticed something at the end of the hallway. Hindi ko kasi kaagad 'yon napansin dahil sa likod lang ako ni Terrence nakatingin. Plus, it was kind of dark in that part as it was already at the corner.
My smile vanished when I noticed what it was. No. Rather who it was. It was Killian and he was looking at Terrence without any emotion on his face.
Bigla ang naging panlalamig ng katawan ko. I couldn't move. My heart started to beat fast as well out of nervousness.
And it was as if Killian felt me looking at me, his eyes turned to mine. I saw the corner of his lips rose for a terrifying smirk when he saw me looking at him.
He was like that again... Like a devil lurking in the dark, waiting for his next victim.
Nakita kong nakalagpas na si Terrence sa kanya. He turned to walked down the stairs at tuluyan nang nawala si Terrence sa paningin ko.
But I saw Killian follow him with his gaze. He was a few steps away from me but I could see something bloodthirsty in his eyes.
He took a step forward as if he was about to follow my classmate. Napasinghap ako. Hindi ko na napag-isipan pa nang maglakad ako palapit sa kanya. Natakot ako. Naisip ko kasing sasaktan n'ya si Terrence.
I even saw a murderous glint in his eyes.
"Killian!"
He stopped and looked at me. When he saw me walking towards him, his smirk widened. His body faced my way as he put his hands inside the pockets of his black slacks. He was coolly watching me but his smirk and the expression on his face was something of amusement.
I fell right into his trap.
He chuckled when I stopped in front of him. My hands were shaking but I stared at him right into his deep green eyes.
He cocked his head to the side and gazed down at me. As though he was observing his victim and planning what he would do before devouring it and getting his fill.
He bit his lower lip and when he released it, a low chuckle escaped from his lips.
"Hmm... Finally."