Hannah tiptoed through the house careful not to wake her parents. At half past two in the morning, she was dead tired. Her shift had been extra hard. The sports bar had been packed all night, and she spent the entire time on her feet dashing from table-to-table. Tips had been decent but still a fraction of the salary from her old job.
Five different guys had hit on her, and she rebuffed them all. Her breakup with James was still too raw for her to consider dating.
She peeled off her clothing and took a quick shower to wash the combined miasmas of spilled beer from her skin and cooking grease from her hair. The hot water relaxed her, soothing her into a contemplative mood. The server gig was honest work, but after being a white-collar professional, she couldn't get over the humiliation of reverting back to the job she held while in college. As a technology department chair, she had been competent in her job as a manager, a rising star, and respected by her peers. As a server, she had to fend off drunken jerks and endure their ogling.
While toweling her hair, Hannah's thoughts drifted to that guy, Cliff, and his sister, Izzy. She never bothered to remember customer names, but those two made an impression. Being honest with herself, she had to admit it had been he who had made an impression with his quick wit and cocky smile. If he wasn't such an arrogant jerk, she might find him attractive. He was good-looking in a rugged sort of way and built like a football linebacker.
Was he a body builder? At thirty, he was four years older than her. Did that make him too old?
Hannah gasped and shook her head. What was she thinking? Why should she care? It had been totally unforeseen their meeting twice in one day, not like it was fate or anything like that. Likely she would never cross paths with Cliff again and good riddance to him and his macho attitude.
She slipped between the sheets and turned off her night table lamp. While lying there in the dark, eyes open, and staring up at the ceiling, Hannah's thoughts turned to James. Try as she might to forget her ex-boyfriend and the humiliation he had caused her, she continued to dredge up memories during the quiet moments when her mind wasn't otherwise occupied.
After graduation, she landed her job while he took courses and studied for his CPA exam. Upon earning his credentials, a large accounting firm immediately snapped him up. The two of them became a popular power couple among their friends, the center of attention at parties.
How often had James told her how much he loved her? Everyone assumed they would marry. James had told her he wanted the two of them to grow old together, yet in hindsight, she wondered why she wasn't able to recognize the signs that not all was healthy in the relationship.
He often spent the night, but whenever she brought up the subject of moving in together to save money, he would hesitate, saying his parents wouldn't approve, using the excuse how they were devout, against cohabitation, and how he didn't want to disappoint them.
She and James vacationed together, often spending many days away. His parents weren't ignorant or naïve. They had to know the two of them were sleeping together. The irony of it was she got along well with his parents. She didn't think they would care.
Her world came crashing down the day she lost her job. "You're a fantastic asset to the company," her boss had told her, "but the executives are forcing me to make deep cuts in personnel. I hate like hell to do this, because I value you as an employee and I like you as a person, but you're the most junior manager on staff with the least seniority."
She argued how it would make more sense to fire senior managers since they earned larger salaries and were a bigger financial burden to the company, but her argument fell on deaf ears.
James had been sympathetic and supportive that awful first night when she had cried. He told her everything would work out, he would be there for her, and she would soon end up back on her feet.
All companies in the tech sector had tightened their belts. Despite a relentless effort to land a management job in her field, Hannah met with no success. She even applied out of state.
After a couple months had passed, James' attitude changed. His support faded and he even went so far as to blame her. "Are you sure you didn't do something to cause them to let you go?"
Those words still echoed inside her head, and how they had cut her. Instead of reacting at the time, she tamped down her hurt and quietly reassured James she would try harder to find a job, knowing she had exhausted just about every possibility.
After more time passed, James told her he couldn't support a wife who didn't work.
His declaration finally caused her to snap. "Can't or won't? Does that mean you don't want children? Are you not willing to support me when I take time off work to have your babies?"
He immediately backed down, apologized, and explained how he was just frustrated. She hadn't wanted to admit it then, but in her heart, Hannah realized it was the beginning of the end.
The actual end came days later when James told her how if they married there would be no way he would take on the responsibility of paying off her student loan debt. He had said how it wouldn't be fair for her to saddle him with such a financial burden.
She had erupted. "A burden? Is that what you consider me, a burden?" How many times had he told her he loved her? Also, the thought never entered her mind of asking him to pay her way. She was too proud and too personally responsible.
They broke up that night. How many good years had she wasted her affection on such a damn loser?
She needed no man to dig herself out of the financial hole. She had owned her misfortune by selling her townhouse and Lexus and taking a crappy service industry job and moving back in with her parents.
Hannah rolled onto her side. With sleep starting to overtake her, she wiped away a tear. "I lost everything," she whispered to herself, "my career, my independence, and my savings."
She was determined to hold on to her pride. It was the one thing she could still control. That's why it had angered her so much when Cliff offered to pay for her car repairs.
As she drifted off to sleep, she wondered if her anger had been misplaced. Pride was one thing, but had she succumbed to foolish pride?
She should have let the arrogant jerk pay. Yeah, she should have let him throw away his money for nothing, because she would give him nothing in return. It would've served him right.
Tough times for Hannah. Is she being too hard on herself?