MARA JACE is out the front door before I even get the chance to tell her that her phone is on the kitchen island next to her cold half touched tea.
It's a black iPhone XS that she earned through her hard work as a prize for her perfect season. It's an undeniable fact that LaCrosse is and always will be MJ's forte; running through her veins naturally like blood and water. It's her sport.
I pick her phone up off the island, the screen quick to illuminate in front of me. Her lock screen is a picture of us we took several months ago.
Cute.
Riley sits quietly on her stool and watches me observantly as I pace around my kitchen like a headless chicken. She needs her phone. Surely. What person could possibly get through the whole day without their phone? Was it just me?
I tuck the phone away into the pocket of Mara's hoodie. "You don't think she'll need it?" I ask.
Riley sets down her copy of our biology textbook next to her loose leaf notes, pens, pencils, and a stack of printed test papers across the marble kitchen island that she's been working on all day.
"Do you think she'll need it?" Riley questions.
"I don't know." I fold over against the counter. My forehead is pressed against the cold marble, outstretched arms on either side of my head.
"She doesn't normally run off on me like that unless it's important..." My voice fades. "No, scratch that. She never runs off on me like that,"I pinch the bridge of my nose before exhaling a sharp sigh. "I don't think I've seen her walk out the door so fast for anyone except a cronut!"
There has only been two reasons as to why Mara Jace has ever raced out my front door:
1. when she slept in and missed practice
2. craved a cronut so badly
It's honest to say that the cronut lived up the hype, and her passion to be first in line at the bakery managed to get us a free box of cookies.
Riley chuckles lightly and says, "who doesn't love a cronut?" I can hear her attempt to make me laugh somehow. She's sweet like that. "But that's not the point," She straightens up. "The point here is that she ran out your front door. And if you think that's strange then could she possibly be in some sort of emergency? Like something happened? But she would've said so..."
I feel my chest ache. "She would've told me. Jace doesn't leave without a word because she hates leaving me in the dark. She likes me to know where she is in case I need her and go looking..."
"And have you ever done that? Go looking?"
I lift my head up from the counter. "Is it unfortunate to say that I have?" I croak out.
"I think it's the opposite," She answers. "You have someone to run to when you need them. It pretty much means that she's ok with you being around even when she's busy or simple preoccupied."
Is that really true?
There's been numerous times where I've turned up unannounced at any given location where Mara Jace would be. "She welcomes me with open arms no matter the time of day," I add. "Whether her head's in the books or on the field. She'll drop it all just to make sure I'm ok."
"See. I may not know her a whole lot but it seems to me that you're something certainly special."The smile on her face eases up the ache in my chest. "Mara cares for you. That's undeniable."
My first impression on Riley wasn't great. I'll admit that. I genuinely wish that I could've been a lot more kinder than I had been. The latter hasn't been anything but kind. Even when I'm tired or not in the mood, Riley has been patient with me whenever we meet for our sessions. The version of me from a few weeks ago would never believe this; that I'm sat with Riley Marsh in my very own kitchen, talking about the girl I have feelings for.
"But how do you feel right now?," Riley wonders. "You're starting to look a little pale over there. I can fetch you a glass of water. Maybe a tablet?"
I shake my head lightly. "No, it's fine," I reply weakly. "But to answer your question, I feel horrid. Absolutely horrid. Sick to my stomach." I answer, almost inaudible. "I have never liked anyone—ever. And to think that out of our population of who knows how many, the first person I decide to give my heart to is Mara Jace," I tilt my head back to stop the tears from falling. "I thought that first crushes were supposed to be cute and somewhat unserious? This is fucked up."
Riley huffs a breath. "Not all the time. It's not meant to be like the movies or the books," She holds out a hand and takes mine in hers. "Not all of them anyway." She chuckles. "Take Belly as an example. Conrad was there for her. He always had been. And so it came to be that Belly had fallen for Conrad. In all his glory. Her first love."
"God, my head hurts." I sigh. "But I'm not Belly. I'm nothing like Belly...and I'm not even remotely Mara's type. Belly could pull anyone. Not me."
Riley shook her head. "You're not meant to be, Belly. You're meant to be, you. And if she can't like you back in the same way, then she's the one at loss. She should like you for who you are."
I feel a heaviness form across my chest. "Mara has always been there for me." I reiterate. "Ever since we were kids...I had her in my life like we were always destined to be with one another. And now I'm so fond of her. I feel like my heart could burst," I bite the side of my cheek. "Everything about MJ is excruciatingly perfect and I hate it. With a burning passion." I chuckle. "It's so fucked to think that I've put myself in a situation where I'm gonna hurt myself either way. Riley, I think..."
I take a moment to ponder. It can't be. But what if it really is? What if it's the red hot burning feeling that ignites within the deepest parts of me?
"I think I love her. Truly, not in the friend way."
I feel those five words pool up inside me like I'm ready to drown in them. This is crazy. It doesn't feel like it's right; I shouldn't be feeling this way.
Riley kisses my hand. Her warmth is comforting but different. I feel her thumb glide against my dorsal as I shut my eyes closed and think of every time she's held me and kept me close.
It's really different.
Her warmth is dangerous, absolute, constricting, compelling and addicting. It sends shivers down my spine and electric shocks throughout my whole body; ready to start a fire so puissant.
"Are you in love or do you just love her?"
The question is jolting, yet I know my answer.
I've known since our kiss on the field. The kiss that has been on a constant loop in my head. The kiss that has sent alarms throughout my whole system; red and blaring; loud and profound.
I certainly should not feel the way that I do. But I can't help it. I can no longer deny the cold hard truth. The truth that was bound to come out.
"I'm in love with her." I answer.
My throat had run dry. A cup of water would hardly make a difference. I was parched, but not for water. I wanted her. I wanted all of her.
I vividly remember that tingly sensation and the taste of her chapstick. I remember how it felt and how she left me breathless and wanting more.
I have never felt more fragile than I do in this very moment. I feel like I could snap or break; one wrong move and it's over; it's all done for.
I still have so many questions that need answers. I don't know how to act or what to think. I don't know how I'm meant to carry on like I don't want her more than a friend. I don't even know how I'm meant to be okay when I'm standing right here while she's off with someone else that's not me.
"Would you tell her?"
Riley continues to comfort me as much as she possibly can, and for that I'm entirely grateful.
"I honestly don't know." I shake my head as I chuckled half heartedly. "I tell her that all the time. Mara does too. Always. It would hold a whole new meaning for me." I explained. "But I'm sure that it'll mean the same old thing to Jace..."
"And your certain?" Riley knits her brows closely.
I'm very certain. I know that for a fact. It is the absolute truth no matter how or when you look at it. And that is what hurts me the most.
"I'm certain." I answered firmly. "I know Jace better than anyone. I never realised how badly that would affect me now that I'm here, loving her like this. This has all been unexpected after all. But I can't deny the undeniable fact or truth that even anyone else would agree with. She likes Mavis."
I feel tears start to pool in my eyes.
"Maisie..."
Riley stands from her stool with haste and makes her way around the kitchen island to pull me into a tight long hug—I didn't know how badly I needed that. I feel my heart start to ache as tears begin to course down my cheeks like cold rain.
MJ's phone vibrates in the pocket of her hoodie. I take a deep breath before I take it out to look. Whatever part of my brain had ushered me to do such a thing has now killed a part of my soul.
It had become quite clear that I was losing a game that I wasn't sure had begun in the first place.