Toni
My head thumped as I rolled out of bed to start my morning.
I cried all night, thinking and reminiscing. Thinking about my kids...thinking about Janet. What transpired last night I still can't wrap my head around. I won't put all the blame on her for the argument, but the way that she acted in front of Elijah is not okay.
I really don't see how all of this can get better. We've tried to talk things out multiple times, but she's not taking accountability for anything she did. She tries to pin it on me and act like I'm crazy for feeling the way I do.
There's really no more fight left in me to try and work things out. I did my part; I tried.
I really don't feel like getting out of bed, but Elijah has practice this morning, and I have to get up. Them before everything.
Jayla has been asleep for almost two hours, so if my calculations are correct, I have about 45 minutes to take a shower and get dressed.
Having a newborn is not easy.
I walked into the bathroom and turned on the water to heat up. I looked in the mirror and sighed at how tired I looked. I look like I've been up for days on end.
I grabbed towels out of the closet and began to take my clothes off. I was moving slow when really I don't have a lot of time before Jayla wakes up, so I should speed things up.
I opened the shower door and stepped in, immediately feeling the tension leave my body when the water hit. My body relaxed, but my emotions stayed the same, and what better thing to do than cry in the shower?
Flashback: December 20, 2017
"Janet, are you going to be here for Christmas?" I asked through the phone.
The background is loud wherever she is, and I could barely hear her.
"We're back on it. J come on," someone said in the back.
"Baby, I gotta go. Tell Jah I love him, and I love you too. I'll see you soon." She said kinda rushed.
"Janet wait-"
The line went silent, and I slowly pulled the phone from my ear.
I feel so alone right now. I'm 6 months pregnant with no one but my son. Of course there's other family, but no one like Janet. That's who I need. And I get it; she's working, but with the complications that I've been having with my pregnancy, you would think she would make time. I guess it's my fault for not telling her about it all, but I never have time to. Our phone calls barley last five minutes.
I cry every day...I cry ever night. Wishing that she would just come back and be with me. I'm mentally drained. Raising a 17 year old while being pregnant...with lupus is not an easy task at all, and I'm barely making it.
It's like she doesn't care. If she did, she would be here, but she's not. I'm slowly falling apart, and the only thing keeping me here is my children. I wake up every day for them.
There's little left holding me and Janet together, and it hurts just because we've been through so much, and I thought we would be forever. I don't know if it's my mind not thinking straight or what, but I can't deal with this much longer. I'm hurting too bad.
Flashback Over
Tears started falling down my face, but they mixed with the downpour of water. I grabbed my soap and poured some into my towel before starting to wash my body.
Days like this are hard, and I have to say right now this is the worst I've felt since we split. The way she carry's herself about it all shocks me. I don't know what to do anymore.
After overthinking and washing, I turned off the water and stepped out. I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around myself before walking back into my bedroom.
I dried off, lotioned up, and put on some clothes for the day.
Jayla surprisingly was still asleep, so I decided to go and make a quick breakfast. When I walked into the kitchen, Elijah was already up, eating cereal.
"Oh, you're up," I said, walking over to a chair next to him.
"Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night." He answered.
I looked through the mail on the counter and sighed. "That makes two of us."
He finished his cereal, then put his bowl in the sink and started to walk away.
"Wait-" I started.
He took a deep breath and reluctantly turned around.
"Um...are you—are you mad at me? You know for arguing with Janet yesterday?" I ask quietly.
No matter what his answer may be, I feel like he is.
"Because if so, I'm sorry, I just—sometimes I—" He cut me off by hugging me, and I closed my eyes to keep my tears in.
"I'm not mad at you mom, or her. I just... I don't know," he said, pulling away and turning to walk away again.
"You just what E?"
He kept walking to his room and shook his head. "Nothing. I'ma get dressed for practice."
I heard his door close, and I stood there thinking about what he did and didn't say. He said he's not mad at either of us, but obviously something about what's going on is bothering him.
Me and E are close. He always tells me if there's something wrong with him, and he's honest about how he feels, so him not telling me today worries me.
I'm going to trust that he will talk to me when he's ready, or even talk to Janet about it. I just hope in the meantime, he knows that I'm trying my hardest to make things work.
I heard cries coming from the other room, so I snapped back and went to get Jayla ready. I picked her up out of the crib and laid her on the bed. Immediately, she stopped crying, and I laughed.
"So you were just faking, huh?"
I changed and got her dressed before putting her in her car seat. I walked into the living room with the seat, and Elijah came to take it from me.
He had on his football gear and a bag in hand.
At first, I was totally against him playing football. Years ago, when he was about 8, he expressed to Janet and I that he wanted to play. Janet agreed almost immediately, but me? Not at all.
Football is a dangerous sport, and I didn't want him to get hurt. They finally convinced me after pointing out the obvious that everything is dangerous. We all take risks every day.
Still, at his first practice, I cried; first game, I cried, and many more after that. And who was there cheering me up and cracking jokes...Janet.
I miss those days.
"Mom!" Elijah yelled.
I jumped and looked at him.
"Why are you just standing here? We gotta go?" He said.
"Right...right," we walked out the door, and I locked it behind me.
I need to get myself together.
20 Minutes later
We arrived at the school, and I dropped Elijah off at the door before going to park.
Sometimes I go out and watch, sometimes I stay in the car, but today I'm going to go. I opened my door and got out to go get Jayla. She was back to sleep again, so I took the car seat out and closed the front covering.
I walked over to the field and sat on the bleachers. They weren't outside yet, so I sat the car seat in front of me and got on my phone.
"We should talk," a voice said from behind me, scaring the hell out of me.
I looked back and saw Janet sitting behind me. How did she even get behind me that quickly and quietly?
"You know, you should be more aware of your surroundings when you're with our daughter."
I rolled my eyes and turned away from her. "Let's not start today Janet. How did you even know we were here?" I asked seriously.
"Jah told me. I told him I wanted to talk and apologize to you, and he told me you all would be here." She answered, going to grab the car seat.
She lifted the blanket, and Jayla smiled up at her. "Hi baby," she said happily. "Momma was sad without you last night."
The players came into the field, and the ones that knew us waved, and we waved back.
"You wanted to talk, then talk, Janet," I said annoyed.
She picked up Jayla out of her car seat and sat her on her lap.
"Sit somewhere else and get my baby out of the sun." I told her, grabbing the car seat so she could move.
She moved and sat next to me. "You goin stop bossing me around and telling me what to do."
"When it comes to my babies, you're gonna have to deal with it." I snapped back.
She didn't say anything back and looked up at the field. The players had started running, and it looked like they were doing punishments the lengths they were going.
"I'm sorr—I apologize...for raising my voice at you yesterday. I just...lost my temper and got loud. And that doesn't mean I didn't mean what I said because like it or not, it's the truth, but it came out the wrong way." She spoke.
"Okay," I said dryly.
I looked back, and she raised her eyebrow at me. "...Okay? That's it."
"What do you want me to say, Janet?"
"I want you to talk to me, Toni. Look, I'm tired of us fighting and arguing. It's gotta stop, so don't give me the cold shoulder." She said seriously.
I looked her in the eyes, and my jaw clenched. I'm not trying to talk about any of this today.
I got up and went to grab Jayla from her, but she blocked me with her hand. Let's hope we don't start again.
"Janet, please don't start." I warned, not wanting to make a scene.
"Why are you trying to take her away from me Toni? Last night, I get why you were worried. I was worked up, but I would never...ever harm you or my children."
She put Jayla back in her car seat and picked it up. "Let me take her with me."
I looked back to the field, and Elijah was looking up at us. The coach blew the whistle, making him look away and get yelled at.
"Yeah, um, yeah, you can take her." I finally said. It really wasn't a well thought through answer, but for some reason I just felt the need to say that.
She smiled. "Thank you." She stepped up and tried to hug me, but I backed away.
"Just—go, Janet. I..." I trailed off and shook my head. I pushed past her and felt my eyes water for some reason.
"Toni....Toni!"