MY HEAD feels like it's about to explode. I don't know how much longer I can sit here and act like I'm not ready to tear my hair to absolute shreds.
The annotated copy of my latest read sits on the desk beside me as I swallow the last shred of patience I have left in me. I don't think I've ever felt this irritated before. I just want to go home.
I want to sit back and continue where I left off. I want to immerse myself in the words that run across my page and into my mind like a movie.
It feels more like an unreachable reality now that I think about it. It's all I want to do right now. I want to forget that I'm tired and that I miss her.
I haven't seen MJ since the drive home from the Cabin. I wasn't sure what I was expecting given the way that day had gone. It's only given me the most horrid of reality checks. That I'm the jealous type that can't seem to control their own jealousy.
But who wouldn't be? When your best friend happens to be the Mara Jace Kim; lacrosse captain, a soccer forward, a bassist, and a writing prodigy. Mara Jace Kim has it all,
including my heart.
I admit it now. I admit it wholeheartedly, like I had sinned or spread lies. But this is nothing than the mere and absolute truth. An ever growing truth that I have come to realise is the consequences of my own actions. The time I've spent with her has only come down to one thing.
I have feelings for Mara Jace Kim
and it won't go away.
It's hardly been forty eight hours since I last saw her. Yet my heart can't seem to take it; Mara's lack of presence has sent me into a deep spiral and probably a deep depression that could only ever be cured by her warmth. I really do miss it.
I feel a smile form on my lips when I think back to our time at The Haven; Mara's arms around my waist as we sit by the fireplace. I remember it like it had been wired into my brain and—
"Did I get it right?"
I knit my brows together tightly. "What?"
I break away from my dazed mind and found Riley staring back at me like a lost child in a supermarket. "The answer. Did I get it right?"
Yikes. I completely forgot where I was.
"Um..." I look down at her test paper. She's terrible. Absolutely terrible. "About that..." I take her pencil and use the other end to erase her mistakes. "These are hardly even right."
Riley looked at her test paper then back at me. "Oh. Really? I figured I'd gotten them right since you were smiling..." She explained.
I scratch the top of my head. If you only knew..
"No. I'm sorry." I chuckled. "I just remembered something and I guess I couldn't hide it." I don't know what came over me. I can't believe I just admitted that to someone I still barely know.
"Must've been pretty great if you were smiling like that." I can't help but feel shy. "You don't smile often. Or at all really..." Riley admits.
I don't know whether I want the be offended by that or not. But to be truthfully honest, Riley Marsh is not wrong. People could probably count the number of times I've smiled with their fingers.
"It's hard to make me smile." I answered.
Riley takes the pencil between her fingers and spins it effortlessly. "I've noticed." She chuckled. "So who's the lucky guy? Or girl? GO LESBIANS!"
I stare back at her blankly. "Did you just..."
We burst into laughter; earning looks from those who sit around us. "I think I said that too loudly."
I nod. "Couldn't have been any quieter could you?" I rest my head against my palm as I point to the correct answer. "It's 57." I answered.
Riley quickly fixed her mistake. "Thank you."
This exact scene reminds me of a moment I shared with Mara several weeks back. We were sat in her room while she'd been talking about her latest project. I remember her talking about it for over fifteen minutes before she fully realised I had fallen asleep on her notebook; drool and tousled hair everywhere. Mara didn't wake me up. She carried me to bed and continued to write lyrics for her song while I recharged. I didn't even realise I had fallen asleep until she made fun of me for several long hours until I left her house.
I remember how much I tried to apologise for falling asleep while she had been talking to me so passionately about her project. I expected her to feel upset or somewhat disappointed; but it wasn't like that at all. She just told me that she was happy enough to tell someone even if I were asleep. She felt happy enough as it were.
"You fell asleep. I know how tired you get after school so I didn't bother waking you up."
I never thought that she'd be so selfless. Mara has always been so kind to those around her; but it always feels so different when it comes to me. There's no denying that this time isn't any different. But the one thing that has changed is the way it makes me feel. How Mara makes me feel. Even the mere thought of her makes my heart race. It seems as if the mere thought or idea of her has the power to take my breath away,
like right now in this very moment.
I think about the way she looks, the way she speaks, the way she moves. It all comes down to a hitched breath and suddenly I can't breathe.
I feel myself draw further and further away from reality. I can't stop thinking about her. Even in this moment does she consume my entire being.
I can't live without her.
I can't breathe without her.
I want to make her mine.
But that alone seems impossible,
just as much as the concept of being able to breath when her skin touches mine.