TRIGGER WARNING: the following chapter may offend some readers' sensibilities.
My throat was so tight I felt like I was going to choke on my sadness.
My tears, so abundant that they blurred my vision, burned my skin as they froze on my face from the icy January wind.
My whole body was shaking violently, but I didn't know if it was from the cold, the fatigue or the overflow of emotions ravaging my heart and mind.
My fingernails were so deeply embedded in the flesh of my palms that I could feel blood seeping from my skin and dripping down my fingers to my knuckles, ending up in the snow.
The funeral had already been over for many hours, but as soon as my parents had taken me home, I'd pretended to need some fresh air and had run back to the cemetery, as if coming back here would bring Touya Todoroki back to life.
He'd always been right about that: I really was a dumbass.
His face came cruelly to mind as I reread for the umpteenth time, through the haze of my tears, the epitaph that adorned his tombstone.
Here lies Touya Todoroki
Beloved son of Enji and Rei
Cherished brother of Fuyumi, Natsuo and Shouto
Forever in our hearts
What an odious lie!
Beloved son, eh?
His bastard of a father hadn't even had the decency to respect the usual delays of Japanese funeral rites, since he had buried the urn containing Touya's remains in the family vault barely five days after his death, as if he couldn't wait to get rid of it! Even my parents had been shocked! What an abominable lack of respect! Everyone knew you had to keep an urn at home for forty-nine days, damn it!
Oh, of course, to appear in the best possible light, Enji had hurried to install a Buddhist altar in effigy of Touya in the house, but this was just a crude decoy, an underhand trick designed to mislead any visitors, to make the whole world believe that the famous Endeavor was in mourning. On top of all that, I was willing to bet that Rei wasn't even aware yet that she'd just lost one of her sons, since nobody was ever going to visit her!
And Enji had dared to have those hypocritical words engraved on the tombstone!? That little... piece of shit! That horrible son of a bitch!
I was about to explode.
Unable to stop myself, I collapsed miserably onto my knees, sobbing bitterly and moaning in pain, feeling my stomach twist horribly. It hurt.
Far too much.
"Da... Dabi..." I sobbed between hiccups. "Forg... forgive... me..."
Yes, it was all Endeavor's fault that his son had died, but I was also partly to blame.
Because that night, I had abandoned him.
I had left him alone with his hopes and dreams, when I knew full well that he was deluding himself into believing that the man who claimed to be his father would come.
If I'd stayed with him...
If I hadn't encouraged him to wait for his father, when I had told him I was sure he would come...
If I'd listened to the bad feeling that had suddenly gnawed at my guts...
If I'd had the courage to stay after giving him a kiss...
Touya would never have died.
**
On Touya's side – Six days earlier
"You should leave," I said. "If my father ever decides to come and sees you here, he'll understand that you've been helping me train for years and he might get angry with you. I don't want to drag you into this, and if my father were to take it out on you... I'd never forgive myself. Besides, I'd like to do a bit more training before he gets here."
I had to do more training, it was essential. I was so close to my goal now! I felt like a fire was raging inside me, just waiting to come out. I knew I could do it this time!
"You're probably right," replied (Y/N) with a slightly tense expression. "But if you're still training and I'm not here to heal you..."
"You'll heal me tomorrow. I promise I'll be careful."
My best friend was certainly not fooled; she knew I was going to get horribly burned. However, if that was the price I had to pay to show my worth to my father, I would do it without hesitation. He would have no choice but to admit that I was worthy of succeeding him, even surpassing him. He'd finally see how wrong he'd been about me, that jerk!
"Okay," she answered. "I'm leaving, then."
I caught her quick glance at our fingers, which were still entwined, and couldn't help smiling. Did she even realize how incredibly cute she looked, blushing like that?
When she slowly untied our fingers, I felt a slight twinge of regret. It was a shame... I promised myself that next time, I'd hold her hand in mine for much longer.
When (Y/N) stood up, I imitated her, then watched her as she shifted from one foot to the other, biting her lips as if she wanted to tell me something but couldn't.
"Well, um..." she said, playing nervously with a lock of her hair "I'm ready to go, now..."
I didn't know why, but I got the impression that she didn't want to go. I really wish she'd stayed, too. But if my father saw her here... (Y/N) would suffer his wrath. And there was no way he'd take it out on her.
"We'll see each other tomorrow, promise?" she asked suddenly.
"Of course, dumbass," I replied, smiling as I flicked her lightly on the forehead.
The touch of her cold skin on my warm fingers made me shiver and my stomach suddenly felt like it was contracting.
Was this what it was like to have butterflies in the stomach?
When I'd told Fuyumi that I often had a knot in my stomach when (Y/N) was near me, she'd said it was because I had butterflies in my stomach, but I wasn't sure what to think. Girls could be pretty heavy, sometimes, with their romanticism! Luckily, (Y/N) wasn't like that.
And there was no need to mention Natsuo's response when I had told him about this! In all his splendid innocence, my nine-and-a-half-year-old brother had told me I might be allergic to (Y/N).
So Fuyumi's answer, though a little too cheesy for my taste, was actually more plausible...
"Dabi, I... um..." stammered (Y/N), drawing me out of my thoughts.
"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, frowning, suddenly worried.
What was happening to her? She'd been acting strangely for the past few minutes...
"Y-yes," she said, sounding like she was lying. "I'm off, but first I wanted to say... Er... Happy birthday in advance. Just in case..."
"Just in case, what?" I whispered, curious.
And then the strangest thing happened.
Because after a split second of hesitation, (Y/N) moved towards me, closing her eyes, and put her lips on mine.
It was so brief, so innocent, so ephemeral that I didn't even have time to react. After just a second or two, she stepped back, blushing violently, then stammered:
"G-good luck, for... for tonight, with your father. Show him... what you can do, Dabi. I-I believe in you."
I was so taken aback by what had just happened that I didn't even have the wit to reply. Simply unable to move, I could only watch as (Y/N) ran off like a thief, throwing her hand over her shoulder, before exclaiming:
"See you tomorrow!"
What had just happened, eh?
(Y/N) had long since disappeared into the trees when I finally managed to regain control of myself. As I fluttered my eyelids to clear my thoughts, I instinctively brought my fingers to my lips to brush them, suddenly realizing that a goofy smile was stretching them. It felt like the place where her lips had kissed me was on fire. And I knew a thing or two about burning...
She had kissed me...
I hadn't been dreaming, I was sure. Otherwise, my heart wouldn't have pounded like that. Why had she done it? And above all... why hadn't she let me kiss her too? Because that's what I would've done... probably.
I inhaled deeply, shaking my head vigorously to forget what had just happened. I'd think about it later. For now, what mattered was training. My father would come... I was convinced of it.
He would come.
**
He hadn't come.
Sitting on the ground against a tree, my legs bent upwards and my face against my knees, I fought back tears of anger and frustration with all my might.
Why hadn't he come?
Why did he always act as if I were a worthless, miserable wreck who should never have been born?
Why did he simply refuse to be my father?
Why? WHY?
A painful lump of rage mixed with bitterness oppressed my chest, as if I were about to implode. I wanted to scream until I tore out my vocal cords, so that the whole world would know that Enji Todoroki was nothing but scum.
I had waited in vain for my father for hours. The moon was already high in the sky when I had been forced to stop my training, out of strength. Worst of all, just moments before I had to stop, I had discovered that puberty had finally begun to have an effect on my Quirk, as I had sensed: my flames, more ardent than ever, had suddenly turned blue for a few seconds, before turning orange again, then blue. It was incredible.
I was incredible! And my father wasn't even there to see it...
He was never there.
He never had been.
And he probably never would be.
I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.
"N-no... don't cry..." I said aloud through clenched teeth, trying to control the tremors that had just taken hold of my body.
But it was useless to fight.
Because this time, the betrayal was far too intense. The deception was far too fierce. And the humiliation was far too cruel.
Suddenly, I felt an excruciating wave of heat rise up inside me, and I felt my Quirk bubbling in my veins. I wasn't going to implode... I was going to explode.
"Da... Dad..." I sobbed.
Suddenly, as the face of Enji Todoroki, the famous Endeavor, the man who claimed to be my father, flashed across my mind, an unbearable - and abnormal - burning sensation flashed across my eyes.
What the fuck was happening to me? Flames were coming out of my eyes. I was literally crying fire!
Frightened, I jumped to my feet, screaming in terror as my hands, arms and abdomen burst into flames.
"Ouch!" I cried. "N-no, it's... NOOOO!"
The next second, my whole body was on fire.
And I lost all control.
And panic took hold of me.
Because I was no longer able to contain my flames.
"N-no... NO!" I screamed. "It's hot, too hot! Dad, help!"
In a panicked reflex, I threw myself to the ground to roll in the snow, but the heat from the flames melted it instantly, turning the ground to mud. It would never work...
And then everything happened fast, too fast.
As I suddenly stood up, I started running in all directions, not even being able to see where I was going because of the orange flames obstructing my vision.
"HELP!" I shouted at the top of my voice as I tried to avoid the trees in my path, unaware that they were catching fire one after the other.
The flames still rising from my eyeballs began to attack my face and throat, ravaging my skin and shredding my flesh. An abject smell of burning flesh seeped into my nostrils, and my sense of dread redoubled in intensity.
"Dad!" I cried. "IT HURTS! HEL..."
Stunned, I felt a piece of my jaw detach from my face and fall somewhere to the ground.
It was all over...
My body was falling apart...
I was going to die...
"AAAAARRGH!" I exclaimed, hoping that someone - anyone, for fuck's sake! - would hear me.
Still running without knowing where I was going, I used all my willpower again to extinguish the flames, without success.
The impressive heat was unbearable. The pain was unimaginable. I had never suffered this much in my life.
My clothes had been reduced to ashes. I could now feel the skin of my whole body disintegrating, as the flames licked at my flesh and charred my muscles, my tendons, even my veins. Where the fire came into contact with my bones, I felt nothing.
I was aware of my imminent death.
I was burning myself alive.
My screams continued, but they were no longer human. They were more like the bestial babbling of a dying animal. And that's what I was.
An agonizing beast, a heap of putrefied, shredded flesh, on the verge of death...
But I hadn't said my last word. I would fight to the end. Because I wanted to live.
As I made another titanic effort to deactivate my Quirk, my brain suddenly understood something.
My father had never taught me how to cool my body temperature, which would undoubtedly have prevented this disaster. All he'd ever taught me...
was to burn everything.
I was suffocating. I was dying.
My frantic running came to a sudden end, for my leg muscles were almost all ashes now.
By what miracle was I still alive?
My thoughts became increasingly confused. I could no longer distinguish reality from fantasy, truth from falsehood, nightmare from dream.
I suddenly realized that I no longer felt any pain.
Was I dead?
I collapsed to the ground. And that's when I saw it through the blinding flames, like a mirage, an illusion.
There, only a few inches from me, a true synonym of hope, a symbol of my salvation.
A pond...
With the energy of despair, I crawled, dragging the remains of my charred and still flaming carcass to the small water source.
I was no longer aware of my surroundings. The whole forest was on fire because of me. Thick black smoke rose into the sky, billowing innumerable red embers.
But my almost blind eyes could only perceive one thing: the pond.
I was almost there. I was going to make it.
Water... water!
With a final effort, I let myself fall into...
Ice.
Of course. The pond was frozen...
I felt the ice begin to melt beneath my almost incinerated body, which was still producing flames of monstrous heat, but it wasn't fast enough.
I could feel my heart slowing down.
I don't wanna die I don't wanna die I don't wanna...
Mom... Fuyumi... Natsuo... Shouto...
(Y/N), my little dumbass...
Please help me...
I stopped fighting.
And the flames consumed me.
**
On (Y/N)'s side
I awoke suddenly, bathed in my own sweat.
What was this horrible nightmare?
My head full of awful images, I tried to stop my body from shaking by taking deep breaths, gradually coming to my senses. In my dream, I had heard Touya calling me. He was crying out for help... And his face had suddenly appeared to me.
Calcined.
I shook my head vigorously, holding back a horrified sob, then patted my cheeks before rising from the bed to fetch myself a drink. My throat was incredibly dry.
Water...
Once in the kitchen, I cast a quick glance towards the window before grabbing a glass from the cupboard. However, an odd detail had caught my attention. Frowning, I returned my gaze to the window to see what was going on outside.
It was the middle of the night, and the sky was unnaturally orange.
My eyes widened as I dropped the empty glass to the floor, which shattered into a thousand pieces against the tiles with a deafening din.
"Oh, my God..." I whispered, bringing my hand to my mouth.
"(Y/N), is that you?" came my mother's panicked voice as she ran out of her room. "We heard a noise... are you okay?"
I was barely aware of my parents' sudden presence behind me as I rushed into the living room to get a better view of the sky.
"What's that?" said my father's voice.
"It's... it looks like Sekoto Peaks' forest has caught fire!" exclaimed Mom, confirming my fears.
At the same moment, in the distance, we heard numerous fire sirens.
"Oh, no..." I murmured, tears welling up in my eyes. "Touya! It's... it's Touya!"
Panicking, I started running towards the front door, ignoring my parents' cries behind me as they tried to hold me back. Suddenly I found myself outside, in my pyjamas and barefoot, running through the snow towards the hill. The path I'd taken so often, to join my best friend...
My Dabi...
"(Y/N), wait!" cried Mom behind me again. "You can't..."
I didn't even hear the end of her sentence. I was already far away.
But I knew it was already too late.
**
Surrounded by a crowd of onlookers who had come to see the show, I was crying my eyes out, staring at the orange flames that were devastating the forest where I used to go. The heavy smoke stung my eyes cruelly, but I knew it wasn't the cause of my tears.
We stood at the foot of the hill, while policemen kept us at a distance, unfurling yellow banners typical of crime scenes. I wasn't even aware of the cold, too shocked to realize that my feet were beginning to suffer from severe frostbite. There were more important things.
Touya... I hope you had time to leave before the fire spread...
Several heroes began to arrive on the scene, including Endeavor.
But I only had eyes for the devastating fire. And hope was an understatement for what I was feeling at the time.
I hope he had time to leave... I hope he had time to...
"(Y/N)!" came my mother's voice from behind me. "Here, put this on!"
Turning slowly, I saw my parents making their way through the onlookers, while my mother handed me a pair of boots and a coat. I grabbed them without complaining, put them on and immediately turned my attention back to Sekoto Peak.
I hope he had time to leave... I hope he had time to leave... I hope he...
"You think it's Touya, don't you? Is that what you said back home?" Dad asked in a gentle voice, placing his hands on my shoulders in a comforting gesture.
My throat too knotted to speak, I nodded weakly, glancing at the gathering of superheroes a little further on. They seemed ready for action, obviously awaiting orders from Endeavor himself.
But the bastard wasn't doing anything at all.
"You motherfucker..." I growled, feeling my hands start to shake.
"What?" exclaimed Mom. "What did you..."
"It's his son!" I shouted, turning to her, not caring about the surprised looks people were giving me. "It's his son, and he's not doing anything!"
"(Y/N), calm down," my mother said worriedly. "Maybe Endeavor's waiting for orders from..."
"He's the one who gives them!" I interrupted, crying harder. "Why doesn't he tell them to go, eh?"
Mom looked sorry, obviously at a loss for an answer. And just as I was making a move to tell the bastard what I thought, Fuyumi's voice rang out a few meters away from me.
In a heart-rending scream.
"No... TOUYAAAAAAA! WHERE ARE YOU?"
Turning my head sharply in the direction of her voice, I saw my friend standing beside Natsuo and Shouto, tears rolling down her cheeks. Without missing a beat, I broke through the crowd to join them, leaving my parents behind.
"Fu!" I cried as I reached her. "Tell me that..."
"Touya didn't come home tonight," interrupted Natsuo, answering for his sister, who was sobbing too much to speak. "He must still be up there... He had asked Dad to meet him, but... Dad didn't go."
No... So that's what it was...
My heart stopped.
My breathing quickened.
My tears redoubled in intensity.
And with one last look at the burning hill, something clicked in my mind.
That horrible nightmare, the one that had awakened me...
It had become reality.
**
Five days later
"To you, Mr. Touya Todoroki, who have left, remember that attachment is the mother of our suffering. This Earth, where we live together, is tainted, and suffering spreads like a shapeless monster..."
The words spoken by the Buddhist priest echoed through my mind, reverberating against the walls of my skull without me being able to understand their meaning.
"...death is suffering, anger, separation from those we love, the dissatisfaction we feel at never definitively having what we desire, all this is suffering. The body itself is a source of suffering. But think about it, these sufferings have caused attachment..."
Bitter tears rolled relentlessly down my cheeks as I looked around, trying to decipher the features of the faces around me. People, lots of people. Beautiful people, ugly people... strangers. Who were all these people to Touya? Where were they when he needed them? Why were so many people at his funeral, when so few had been by his side when he was alive?
"I now invite your friends to pronounce for you the name of Amitabha Buddha, and to pray that you may be welcomed into his pure land. Please, Touya, forget your suffering and fix your attention on the name of Amitabha Buddha; then he'll be there for you."
The priest took a few steps back, inviting Enji to take his place. The patriarch of the Todoroki family complied, a sober expression on his face, his eyes staring at the ground. Suddenly, his cavernous voice, the voice that disgusted me, echoed through the cemetery.
"Touya, my son... my beloved son..."
He was bullshitting us, the bastard!
"If you only knew how much I regret..."
With good reason, asshole!
"I wasn't there for you..."
Have you ever been there for any of your children, Endeavor? Even Shouto already hates you, and he's only six!
"...but your death was a tragic accident..."
A tragic accident? Yes, because you weren't there to prevent it!
"If only you'd listened to me and stopped training..."
If you'd taken better care of him, if you'd given him a little of your precious time, he'd still be here!
"I've always loved you and I always will, my son..."
To stop myself from screaming that he was a liar, I bit my lips so hard that I felt blood beading on the surface, spreading an unpleasant taste of iron in my mouth. That was the last straw. He dared to say he loved his son. I had to be dreaming. This man was making me sick.
As the monster continued his speech full of lies while shedding crocodile tears, I reread for the hundredth time the epitaph adorning my best friend's tombstone.
Here lies Touya Todoroki
Beloved son of Enji and Rei
Cherished brother of Fuyumi, Natsuo and Shouto
Forever in our hearts
Here lies Touya Todoroki...
Here lies Touya Todoroki...
What's left of him, I thought bitterly. Indeed: Endeavor had waited so long before ordering his men up the hill to make sure no one was in danger, that Touya's bones had had time to turn to ashes. All that had been found of him...
was a piece of his jaw.
I suppressed a shudder of horror, fighting with all my strength not to collapse to the ground in tears.
Then I saw Enji returning to his place to let the priest speak, and I suddenly felt Fuyumi's hand find mine as she interlaced our fingers.
"(Y/N)..." she murmured, her voice choked by sobs she was holding back with great difficulty. "My brother liked you a lot. Thank you for being his only friend... and for being there for him."
Unable to answer, I turned to her and hugged her, without taking my eyes off Endeavor. I ruminated. I fulminated. I wanted to kill him.
Because it was his fault.
Entirely his fault.
He hadn't gone to his son, his child who so desperately wanted some of his attention.
And Touya had died as a result, burned alive by his own flames.
And Endeavor would pay for that.
*****