Know that feeling when you're getting comfortable with someone and you start ranting over and over again, not realizing that you actually are ranting until they only reply with groans or tell you to stop?
Yeah, I had it.
Gally did not leave my side much. I was suspecting he felt bad and maybe because it was his Builders, he felt even worse. Turned out, he was quite nice to hang out with. Yes, he was grumpy, but he had humor and was kind.
"It's following you." He gave Josephine a sharp glance.
"She." I corrected. "It's fine. Josephine is lovely. And she doesn't bite."
He didn't reply and kept up a firm pace as we walked through the Glade, on our way to absolutely nothing. He just forced me to get out of my hut.
"Don't walk that fast," I ordered. "It hurts my leg and I have to walk super fast since you're enormous and take big steps."
He slowed down his walk. "Okay."
"Do you want to pet Josephine?" I held the animal in front of him.
Gally stared at her like it was some weird space creature. "No. Thanks."
I shrugged and held her in my arms myself. "Did you know that chickens have a great memory for faces? If you're suddenly gonna act nice to her, she'll keep in mind not to trust you because you're not nice right now. You said she was stupid."
"It's a chicken. A shuck animal." He sighed deeply. "Not a human. So if I killed him, would you cry?"
"Depends on the circumstances."
"What?"
I will cry about it if I'm on my period.
"Anyway. Imagine if you were a chicken and—."
"No."
"—someone says you're stupid and doesn't want to hold you. That's mean. This brings me to the fact that chickens bathe by covering themselves in dirt. I think that you all do the same thing, because none of you ever smell clean, and you're covered in dirt."
"I smell clean."
"I won't deny that you stink the most in here, but you do look dirty," I commented.
He didn't reply again. That was quite usual already. I smiled in satisfaction, and took my notebook— that I had stuffed in the band of my pants— out, sitting down against a tree.
"What're you doing?"
"I'm gonna write."
"Poems?"
"Yep. So either leave or be quiet. Your choice."
He put his hands on his hips and watched me brainstorm for an idea. I let out a deep breath, staring right up at him with a small eye roll.
"And don't stare. I can't concentrate."
He chuckled. "Write, roses are red, violets are blue—."
"No." I cut him off. "That's not a poem."
His arms folded. "Okay. Give me proof of what a real poem is."
My face grew red. "No. I won't read what I write here out loud. Or let you read it ever again."
"I didn't have the chance to read anything yesterday, I swear. Please, one poem! Maybe you have talent."
I scoffed. "Of course I have talent."
"Proof it."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because... because these poems are my way of letting... emotions out, and I don't like to share what I feel with anyone."
He lifted an eyebrow. "Just me."
"Don't feel special." I searched through the pages, hoping to find a happy one to read out loud anyway.
There were no happy ones. None.
"Just one." He begged.
I took a deep breath and started reading the one my eyes fell on. "And I wish I could say this— no, Gally. I won't read it."
"Ah, come on! And I wish I could say this...?"
I bit my lip. Reading those poems would reveal literally everything about myself. I wrote them a long time before my attempt, but all those weeks in bed, I wrote even more.
"And I wish I could say this doesn't cause me fear." I started slowly. "That I'm not weary of this body. Of what it's been through. Of what they might do." I took a deep breath. "I am a woman. And I love being one. But why does it mean I have to receive less? Why can you freely voice your opinions, while mine always have suppress? I— enough."
"No, Val. Continue."
I blinked a few times. "I am a woman. And I have my unique style and preferences. I want to be able to go out wearing what I love, without fearing the consequences. I-I am a woman. Why do you shame me for that? Being a woman doesn't make less of a person, nor does it make me your prey. I have the right to feel safe when I walk around by myself. I..."
"Valerie."
I sighed. "I am a woman. Yes, I am. But before that, I'm also human. Just like you. And all women deserve to be treated with the same respect men do. Because, regardless of gender or race, each and every one of us... have the right, to feel safe."
I slammed my notebook closed. Reading it out loud hit hard. It made my eyes water, thinking about how I could ever put this on paper and relate.
"Wow." Gally breathed. "That was... good, Val. You do have talent."
The ground was a nice thing to look at.
"Did you get anything of what I just read? The meaning?"
He was silent for a few seconds. "Oh."
I smiled weakly and got off the ground, just for everything to turn black. I stumbled over my feet, becoming dizzy, and then five seconds later, I could see again.
"The shuck was that?" Gally frowned.
"Low iron."
"What?"
I stared at him blankly. "Do you seriously not know what low iron is?"
A simple shrug was enough.
"Jeez. Builders indeed have nothing upstairs." I shook my head, rubbing my forehead.
"What Newt says about Builders is not-."
"Whatever. Low iron is when you, easily explained, don't have much iron in your blood. Most common thing that happens, is when you get up too fast, everything turns black for a second. Happens to me too. If I'm lucky, which is most of the time, my vision turns clear after a few seconds. I feel a little dizzy, but that's it. If I'm not lucky, well, then I faint."
"Oh. Alright." He cleared his throat. "Did you ever faint with it?"
"Yeah, once. Newt helped me. Yelling at me to wake up does not help, we learned." I laughed slightly. "If you touch me right after I fainted, I wake up pretty fast since I'm not fully 'gone' yet. Just give me some water or sugar and it will be fine."
"Thanks for the education."
"You're very welcome."
~
At dinner, we were the first ones there and claimed a table. "So, I've been thinking."
"Impressive." Gally whistled.
"Shut up." I rolled my eyes but smiled. "You didn't have to work, aka build, yesterday, or today, or any of the days we have been talking."
"Make your point, please."
I leaned over the table and give him a push on the shoulder. "I'm getting there, don't be impatient. So I thought, did they send you to babysit me or something? Why do you suddenly care and why don't you have to build?"
He didn't seem impressed. Not that he ever did, except for when I read the poem.
"I've always cared. Maybe now I just show it better. And I do have to build, but as the Keeper, I can excuse myself. They can't stop me from making you happier."
"No one said you made me happier."
He raised an eyebrow. "Of course not."
"But, you could do me a huge favor and tell me where Newt has been hiding."
"He-."
Gally got cut off by Alby slamming his plate on the table and sitting down next to Gally. "Valerie. One last thing."
"Yes, Alby?"
"Because it has been a while since your... try, I'd like to know for what reasons you did it. We never had the... chance to talk about it."
"Dude," Gally warned. "You cannot just show up here and bluntly ask—."
"I wasn't talking to ya, Gal. Listen or leave."
He remained silent. I stared at Alby, angry he really had to ask my reasons. I was sure I had warned him, begged him to keep Luke alive, and asked him to stop the Builders... did he really not get it?
"I..." It took a lot to not yell at him. Instead, I used formal words. "Because the Builders sexualized me. They called me horrible names, and told me I wasn't worth being here. I got happy when Luke arrived, but then he got stung and banished. I had nothing left. I started believing the Builders and knew, still do, that I maybe am worthless. I've never done anything good for any of you."
I finished by pressing my lips into a tight line. No tears came. I told it so blankly and without emotion, it hadn't even hurt me.
"Obviously, the Builders get a punishment."
"A week in the Slammer. I'll get in right now." Gally got off his seat, but Alby told him to stop.
"I want clear words of exactly who and what first. The ones that didn't do anything won't get a punishment, of course."
"Right." I swallowed. "Who did what?"
My voice lowered automatically. It sounded weak and as if I was scared... maybe I was.
"Yeah. The things you remember."
"Oh." I paused. "Yeah, well. Uh, David called me a... you know, once. Carl, Peter, Hank, and Henry locked me up in a closet and-."
"Gave her a panic attack," Gally added.
I didn't reply to him. "And Peter kicked me in the stomach."
"That's it?"
"They called me other stuff and made comments about how women didn't have rights. But, uh, that's it, yeah."
They joked about drowning me. They let me beg for mercy. They put my wrists behind my back and squeezed hard enough to leave bruises. Carl said I should've died. He made a single comment about eating, which I hope will not lead to more.
"Say it again," Gally commanded.
I blinked a few times. "What?"
"Say 'that's it' again, without stammering or pausing." His tone was stern. His eyes stood stern, too.
"Why?"
"Because I don't believe you. Yesterday you said something you thought you weren't supposed to say, but covered it up by a lie. What else did they do?"
"Look, Valerie. I get that you think other things will happen if you betray them. Or that you're ashamed, but tell us. You have to. I swear that a nice week in the Slammer will let them stop, along with a good warning."
I rubbed my chin. They would probably get revenge again, since the drown thing was revenge too. But Alby had a point. "After I punched the wall out of anger, I sat next to the lake, mostly crying. Those three appeared. They... they took my wrists and moved me toward the lake, pushing my head toward the water in an attempt to drown me. Right before I hit the water, they said they were joking and would never drown me. But as it happened, I was sobbing and begging and crying and-." I paused and breathed in. "I made it clear I didn't take it as a joke and it wasn't funny. They didn't listen. But after that, they left me alone."
Both boys were silent for a long time. I couldn't read their expressions. It was too blank.
"Who?" Gally asked. His voice had a lot of force and anger, though.
"Hank, Peter, and Henry." It was just higher than a whisper.
"I'm gonna-."
"Gally, sit down." Alby made a hand movement. "Thanks, Valerie. I didn't call a gathering for this because I thought you wouldn't feel the most comfortable explaining to a dozen guys. We'll discuss this with all the Keepers, though. Decide their punishment."
He got up from his seat, stretching his back before he turned around again. "Oh, and Val?"
"Yeah?"
"Newt's up the tower. He wants to talk to you."
~
A/N: I'm not good at writing poems so I just steal them, but of course, I'll give credit. The one in this chapter is "I Am A Woman". I don't know the full name of the writer, but it says "s.s.w."