Ai POV
I shouldn't have looked.
The room felt suffocating, a tangible heaviness pressing down on me as I sat alone in its dimly lit corners. The only source of illumination came from the soft glow of my computer screen, casting eerie shadows that danced along the walls. It had been hours, yet I remained curled up, my fingers clutched tightly around my legs, as if trying to hide myself from the darkness surrounding me. Every now and then, the screen would flicker to life, bathing me in its pale light as new messages popped up. Each notification was a reminder of the world beyond ANHS. Each new message reminded me of the world I had left behind.
The floor was littered with torn posters and markers, while the walls were covered with diagrams and photos of myself. All windows were shut, and my bed was a mess. The kitchen was full of half eaten food and opened cans. After the morning, eating had been getting harder for me, even when I tried to enjoy the food I was always reminded of flashing cameras and shouting fans.
For the first time in months, I found myself standing in front of the mirror, gazing at my reflection with a mix of fear and anxiety. The same eyes that had once critiqued every angle and expression during my preparations for performances now turned their discerning gaze upon me. Did I look different? Had my appearance changed in a way that would invite even more criticism if I did return?
A faint flicker of uncertainty danced in my eyes as I assessed myself. Did I grow too slim? Did I gain weight? The questions echoed in my mind, each one a testament to the relentless scrutiny that had become an intrinsic part of my existence. It was a world where every physical aspect was dissected and judged, where even the slightest perceived flaw could become fuel for endless discussions and criticisms. I couldn't have more of that. I already had experienced enough.
I was so naive to think that making friends with people like Airi and Kiyotaka would have changed me. I was so stupid to even think of joining the study group. I could never open up to anyone again. Doing so with Kiyotaka, even though it was ever so slight, was a mistake. Hiding behind the mask is always for the best.
My gaze shifted to my bloodshot eyes, a telltale sign of the emotional turmoil I had experienced that morning. The tears shed in solitude, the weight of hurtful comments, and the strain of grappling with self-doubt had taken their toll. I had pushed myself to the brink, both mentally and emotionally, all in an effort to meet the impossible standards that had been imposed upon me.
I can't believe that I'm in the state that I'm in right now. I said I wouldn't care about my career here. I looked online because of what Kiyotaka said, I wanted to try and understand them.
Burying my head into my knees, I let out a small, muffled sob. The action only served to further dishevel my already tangled hair, a visual representation of the chaos within. The feeble light that had been seeping through the curtains had now been swallowed by the encroaching darkness of the room. Time seemed to blur, its passing unnoticed in the midst of my emotional turmoil.
Stupid Ai. Why did you have to open that app? Why. Why. Why.
It had all started earlier that day in the morning, when I decided to go online, eager to gauge the public's reaction to my decision. The words that Kiyotaka had said to me made sense, and I thought that doing so would help me be a better idol and maybe even a person. How stupid I was. While ANHS students were strictly prohibited from engaging with the outside world, we were granted limited access to certain social media platforms. Of course the information was heavily filtered in order for the school to control the flow of information, but that didn't reall matter to me. I wanted to know what people thought about me. While I couldn't directly participate in conversations, I could at least read what people were saying about me and try to interact with them through taking their feedback and changing.
The initial responses had been positive, brimming with support and well-wishes for my break. Positive comments had flooded in, encouraging me and expressing excitement for my future return to the public stage. But like a storm brewing on the horizon, the tone of the comments gradually shifted, evolving into something far more sinister. It started as simple comments regarding the length of my break being excessive, which I could understand. 4 years is a long period of time after all. Though as I continued on, the negativity began to surface more and more.
(I wonder if you can guess the platform this is based off)
Random User: "I bet she's just using this as an excuse to be lazy."
Random User 2: "Honestly, she's overrated anyway. She doesn't deserve the attention she gets."
Random User 3: "LMAO have you seen her? She's not even that good-looking, and her personality comes across as completely fake."
Random User 1: "This is a classic 'don't meet your heroes' situation. I wouldn't be surprised if she's a terrible person in real life."
Random User 4: "She's probably just cashed in and won't bother coming back. Typical of entitled celebrities."
Random User 6: "These people are so out of touch with the community. We created their careers and without us they would be NOTHING. The audacity she has to take a break for this long just shows how disingenuous she really is as a person."
Random User 2: "It's so disappointing how some idols turn out to be so self-absorbed. Remember, we're the ones who made them famous. She obviously decided to take her break without considering any of her fans."
I had dealt with these types of comments before, and in reality if this was the end of it I would have been fine. The people who actively posted negative content about me usually were few and far between. I had spent quite a lot of effort crafting the perfect public image for my fans and they seldom spoke harshly towards me. However as I continued to scroll, I saw more and more of it. The supportive comments that had once been common were now a rarity among the sea of distain. Insults were flung around, and everything from my appearance to my performances were attacked. The supporters i had were drowned out by the never ending tide of hate.
It seemed as if the moment I had left, people took the opportunity to vent their frustrations. People I once saw supporting me, now were talking about how I was selfish for taking a break. It was as if I was no longer a human being.
I felt small tears well up in my eyes as I read this, slowly covering my cheeks then my keyboard. It wasn't enough, your smile wasn't enough. They know, they all know about how much of a terrible person you are. I continued to scroll for some time, despite my better judgement. I was all too used to this type of hate, however this time around it was... different. People were mad on a more personal level. Their comments grew steadily more agressive and violent.
Random User 1: "I can't believe I ever liked someone like her."
Random User 6: "At this point I doubt she should come back."
Random User 2: "See how she hasn't responded to all the backlash? She obviously either knows she's wrong or is actively ignoring her fans. Typical tbh."
Random User 5: "Ai Hoshino is an entitled, uneducated and uselss human being. She adds nothing to the world and simply got to where she is by luck and most likely bribing people in the industry. She has no talent, looks ugly and should kill herself."
The realization hit me like a tidal wave, drowning me in a torrent of self-doubt and regret. I had started on this journey with a clear purpose—to seperate myself from the idol life for four whole years. But in my moment of ego and curiosity, I had gone online seeking validation, allowing the toxic words of strangers to affect me. How could I have been so naive, so foolish?
The room that I was so excited to recieve at the beginning of the year now felt like a prison, its walls closing in around me as I grappled with my own inadequacies. I wrapped my arms around my legs, pulling myself into a tighter ball, as if trying to shield myself from the relentless onslaught of negativity. A bitter taste of regret tainted every thought, every breath.
Why did I even come to this school? The question hung heavily in the air, a damning indictment of my own decisions. I didn't deserve any of it, I don't deserve the opportunities that are provided by attending. A simple and useless person like me, someone who is less than human. Someone who has never felt anything for another human.
A bitter laugh escaped my lips, a harsh and mirthless sound that echoed off the walls of my dimly lit room.
Ai :"I don't deserve to be here with everybody else," I whispered, the words a painful admission of my own insecurities. I had tried to ignore this fact for the longest time. My interactions with Kiyotaka, Airi, and others had almost made me forget who I truly was. I was happy and in turn I grew self absorbed. I thought that maybe everything would be fine.
My fingers clenched around my legs, nails digging into flesh as if trying to anchor myself to some semblance of reality. How can someone like me compete in a place like this? Everyone here is smart, capable and deserving. The question was a lament, a cry of frustration and despair. The faces of my classmates flashed before my eyes, each one seemingly more confident, more capable than I could ever hope to be.
The torn posters, once carefully propped up as a hopeful reminder of myself, now lay scattered across the floor in disarray. It had been just a few days ago when I had propped them up on my walls, I had decided to use them as a way to analyze my past performances and find ways to improve. I had plastered images of myself on the walls, each one capturing a different variation of my smile—subtle shifts in expression that I had hoped would unveil the key to winning over my fans' approval.
But time had a way of warping perception, and those few days felt like a lifetime in the wake of the emotional maelstrom that had engulfed me. The images that had once held promise now felt like haunting reminders of my own imperfections. A mockery of everything that I tried to be. As I gazed upon the torn remnants of those posters, I couldn't help but feel a sense of bitter irony. I had tried so hard to make everyone happy, just to see that it didn't matter. I was incapable of it.
I had been so arrogant, so confident in my ability to control and manage public perception. Each smile I had meticulously studied and displayed had been a step towards crafting a persona that would be embraced and adored. I looked at what they love, and replicated it. I looked at the most popular idols and adpated from them. Yet, in the face of the vitriol that had consumed my online presence, those efforts seemed futile, almost a laughable attempt.
The torn remains of the posters seemed to eye me with a mix of reproach and mockery. The glossy image of "Hoshino Ai", the perfect model, something I could never truly be. A person I had created that was so different from who I was. They were a tangible representation of my shattered self-assurance, a reflection of the futility of my attempts to mold myself into something palatable for the masses. The very smiles I had practiced and polished now appeared as mere facades, masks that concealed the true turmoil beneath.
I turned away from the remnants of tye poster, unable to bear their accusatory gaze any longer. The room felt stifling, each breath a struggle as the weight of my own doubts pressed down on me. The darkness seemed to close in, a physical manifestation of the emotional abyss I found myself in. And as I huddled in the corner, my gaze fixed on the dim glow of the computer screen.
If only I had possessed even a fraction of Airi's apparent ease and charm. Even though she was very much like myself, her act was genuine. It wasn't carefully crafted or planned, it was what she believed her fans wanted. If only I hadn't relentlessly pursued an unattainable vision of perfection, always striving for a standard that seemed to recede further with each step. If only I hadn't stupidly believed that I could mold myself into something flawless, something that could please everyone and shield me from the relentless criticism.
But no, I had to push myself to the brink, to believe that I could be more than just another face in the crowd. I had to buy into the delusion that I could transcend my limitations, that I could outshine the doubts and insecurities that plagued me. That I could hide myself while being the perfect idol. And for what? For a fleeting moment of recognition, for the applause of an audience that could turn on me in an instant?
The bitterness welled up within me, a bitter cocktail of regret and self-deprecation. I chastised myself for my naivety, for believing that I could carve out a space for myself in a world that thrived on tearing down those who dared to stand out. I berated myself for not recognizing the futility of my efforts, for not realizing that no amount of perfection could shield me from the harsh realities of public scrutiny.
Airi, with her effortless grace and unassuming charm, seemed to effortlessly navigate the treacherous waters of fame. She embraced her imperfections, flaunted her quirks, and the world adored her for it. And here I was, shackled by my own unrealistic expectations, haunted by the unrelenting chorus of voices that condemned my every flaw. It was pathetic that mere comments online had reduced me to this level.
If only I had been content with mediocrity.
I don't blame Kiyotaka though. His thoughts were sound, he was taking an objective position on how a normal idol should act. Someone who is a real human being, someone who is passionate. Someone not like me.
Should I even show up to class? Is there even a point to me staying here? These questions reverberated through my mind. My thoughts were full of a constant barage of the negative comments I had read. Despite the fact that I had made friends, enjoyed my short time here at ANHS, I could not escape that I was still, and would always be Hoshino Ai.
Just then I heard a knock on my door followed by the voice of Airi. How ironic.
Sakura: "Ai? Are you there?"
I couldn't bear the thought of Airi seeing me in such a state. For the first time all day I rose from my spot and quickly set about concealing the mess that had taken over my room. Torn posters were hastily shoved under the bed, and the door to the kitchen was swiftly shut. I closed my laptop, and placed it back onto my desk.
As the room was restored to a semblance of order, I switched on the lights and made my way to the mirror. With a firm movement of my hand, I wiped away the evidence of my tears, and a forced smile replaced the turmoil on my face. I straightened my clothes, took a deep breath, and finally opened the door. Even now I still keep it up... I truly am horrible.
Ai: "Sorry for the wait Airi, I had to clean up a bit." I hope I got everything done. She shouldn't be able to see any of the mess and I think I look fine. I just hope that she didn't hear anything.
Sakura: "Oh, I'm sorry! I should have let you know I was coming." I noticed that she was dressed in attire that would help her blend in with the crowd, much like how I dressed when stepping out into the public. Was she perhaps planning to go outside?
Ai: "It's not problem! So, why did you want to see me?"
Sakura: "Well... I wanted to know if you would want to go to Keyaki Mall wit me." Why all of the sudden?
Ai: "Oh, sure! Is there any specific reason why?"
Sakura: "I just was feeling a bit lonely... and wanted to go outside with someone. I though that you might be alone too... It's ok if you don-" I grab her hand and lock eyes with her which seemed to shock her.
Ai: "I'll be out in around 10 minutes. Wait for me here." Her nervous face turned into one of gratitude as she responded.
Sakura: "Thank you Ai, I don't know if I could manage school without you."
Ai: "It's no problem, that's what friends are for right? I'll get changed right away, you stay right here."
Sakura: "Ok, I'll be waiting."
With that, I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, my hand covering my slightly quivering mouth. My mind was still full of the online comments and seeing Airi just made me feel worse. Of all days, why did it have to be today when she decided to come over? Taking a deep breath, I straightened myself up, my legs still feeling a bit shaky. Perhaps this was a silver lining. Stepping outside might help me divert my thoughts.
I walked over to my wardrobe, browsed through the collection of clothes, and eventually settled on an outfit.
Distancing myself from the harsh reality seemed like the only viable solution. The persona of Hoshino Ai, whether showered with praise or tainted by criticism, would forever remain in the spotlight, subjected to relentless scrutiny. The constant attention left no room for revealing my vulnerabilities. But maybe, just maybe, I could temporarily cast aside these burdens and experience a taste of ordinary life. It was a futile hope, I knew, but the desire lingered nonetheless.
Today's events only served as a painful reminder that embracing a normal existence was beyond my reach. The facade was unrelenting; every moment was a performance. And in the grand scheme of things, only in death does my duty end.
I got dressed and finally openeed the door.
Ai: "Let's go!" I smiled and replaced any previous emotions I had with my always present enthusiasm. From now on, there would only be the idol Hoshino Ai. No one else.