Dearest Marsali,
We have arrived in Lallybroch. I must first tell you of our time in Inverness. Seònaid and the baby were well. We spent the night in an inn, planning to leave the next morning for her aunt and uncle's house. Seònaid said she needed to make a quick trip to a place nearby, and so we agreed to take her before heading back to Lallybroch. Your father was very grave on the trip. We rode near where the battle of Culloden took place, but I do not think it was because of that. We continued on to a hill, where a ring of standing stones stood. He told me to wait with the horses while he walked up the hill with Seònaid and the baby. A long time passed before he came back alone, and I could tell he had been crying. I asked what happened, and where Seònaid went, but he did not tell me. I think perhaps he could not tell me. We never saw her again though.
It is good to be back in a place I called home for many years. Young Jamie's wife has given birth to a healthy baby boy. Michael is expecting their first child any month now. It is a beautiful thing. The ladies in Paris were always having babies, and I loved each of them as a brother or sister. I never had a family of my own, and so I would pretend they were all my family. I would brag to everyone how many brothers and sisters I had, not realizing everyone would know the truth behind it. Anyways, Jenny is happy to have Jamie home.
I miss you greatly. I have never cared so much for Hogmanay— you Highlanders and your superstitious holidays—but I am happy it is so close now. When you arrive, I do not want to anger your mother by meeting you at the front of the house. I will be waiting below the tower that gives Lallybroch its name. I hope you do not mind that I slipped this letter in with your father's. I thought your mother would be displeased to see a letter coming from me. It is good that I am an expert at removing and replacing wax seals after working for Milord in Paris.
Yours,
Fergus
I read over the letter countless times. I should have burned it, but I could not bring myself to do it. I slept with the letter under my pillow, and during the day I tucked it into my clothing. I developed a habit of always checking it was still there, the rough paper pressed against my skin. I convinced our mother to allow us a few extra days at Lallybroch under the guise of missing the Murray family so that we could leave earlier. I thought the ride to Lallybroch would never end; even when I knew we still had a great distance to cover, I scanned the hills for the shape of Lallybroch's tower.
Da and Auntie Jenny greeted us at the door. Playing the part of devoted daughter and niece who arrived early just to see them was the most difficult thing I had ever done. In my mind, what I really wanted was to run right past them to the meeting spot Fergus arranged. Over an hour of greetings and conversation I had to endure before I had my moment to slip away. I prepared Joanie by telling her of my plan, and she created a wonderful distraction by pretending one of the bairns had hurt her in their play. While everyone rushed to my screaming sister, I snuck out the back door to the garden and ran around the house to where I knew Fergus would be waiting under the tower.
He was pacing back and forth in the tall grass with a small parcel in his hand. When he saw me, he smiled and raced towards me. "Marsali!" With one hand still holding the parcel behind his back, he picked me up with his other arm and swung me around. "I have missed you," he said over and over again, while pecking at my face over and over again. "I have missed your eyes, and your freckles, and your funny little ears."
"Funny little ears? Is that any way to greet a woman?"
"Oh but I love them, the way they stick out from your hair." He kissed both of my ears and finally stopped to hand me what he had been hiding behind his back.
"Christmas present. In France, we do not make such a big deal over the new year, but we do celebrate Christmas."
"Aye, I ken what Christmas is. I'm not totally ignorant. What is it?"
"Open it to see." I tore the ribbon off of the box, and felt guilty that it must have taken him a long time to tie it. Inside sat a small wooden bird, hand painted the color of the one Seònaid and I had found what seemed like ages ago. I lifted it up, and turned it in the sunlight.
"It's wing... it's broken."
"Oui, you are not seeing the vision of the artist. I loved you for your kindness that took in that poor bird with the broken wing, far from its home and family."
"Aye, I ken yer meaning well enough. I am just surprised is all. I have never received a gift from a friend before, thank you," I kept looking at the bird while Fergus held me from behind and rested his chin on my shoulder. My finger tip ran along the bent wing.
"I hope I am more to you than just a friend." .
I shrugged coyly. "We'll see about that. Now can we go back to the part where you said you love me?" I heard voices coming from around the corner. It was only some of the children, but children talk.
"We will get your mother so drunk on Hogmanay that she will not even notice her daughter dancing with the bastard from Paris. Then, I will tell you how much I love you," he whispered before running around the corner to scare the children coming towards us. I hastily snuck around the other side of the house and rejoined the Murray family.
Over the next few days before the festivities commenced, Fergus and I would arrange our secret meetings any chance we could. He would also place himself in the kitchen as often as possible without raising suspicion, until Jenny shooed him out with a slap on his arse, like she would any one of her children. "No men in my kitchen! I've too much to do without you lazing about, eating the food faster than I can make it." Fergus was so comfortable in the Murray home. He played with the children and they all referred to him as an uncle. He also seemed to know the house better than even Auntie Jenny and Uncle Ian. When something was lost, it was Fergus they asked to find it. He says he learned how to be observant as a pickpocket. If Ma or Da caught me watching Fergus or saw us sneaking about the house, they never said anything. Fergus was too clever to be caught; he always had an excuse for being where he was, or a way to smoothly talk his way out of questions. It was I who was the liability, he would tease, but it was not without some truth.
Hogmanay finally arrived. There were more guests in the Murray house than ever, with Jenny and Ian's ever-growing brood. Seeing Fergus would be easy. As the night wore on, I made sure to keep my mother's cup of wine full. I should have felt guilty for the ruse, but she was enjoying herself for the first time in a long while. The party began in earnest late in the night, and as planned, Fergus and I were able to meet during the dancing. We made sure to dance with other partners occasionally, but it was me who occupied his time and vice versa. We laughed and twirled each other around until we were dizzy. We began to grow careless in our new love. Fergus would sneak kisses when he thought nobody was looking, and I would let my hands wander more than would be appropriate for strangers meeting as dance partners. I felt his strong back and shoulders, the muscles rippling underneath my hands as he moved. After midnight, and the celebrations began dying down, Fergus took my hand and led me away to our own little world.
"This is my bedroom." Fergus plopped down on the bed and patted the space beside him. "When I lost this," he said, holding up his wooden hand, "Jenny and Ian put me up here. I was in so much pain even after it healed that I would wake the other children at night when I tried to return to our shared room. I would have nightmares too about when I lost it. Jenny would come in here and sit with me until I fell asleep again. She was like a mother to me."
"Does it hurt you now?"
"No, nothing hurts me now when I am with you."
"If it does, ye'll tell me?"
"Of course," he pulled me onto his lap and we sat there, gently swaying back and forth with the fiddle playing below. "I do love you, Marsali, even when I try to act like I don't."
"I love you too, Fergus. I love you so much it hurts," He kissed my shoulder.
"I don't want you to hurt," his lips trailed up my neck and I let him. I wanted more though. I guided his hand to my chest and he instinctively knew what to do.
"Are you sure?" I nodded, but he did not seem convinced. "I will not take your virtue, not yet," he said with a wink, "but there are other things." I did not want to sound silly, but I did not know what those other things were. I let his hands wander, and felt nervous excitement course through me when they reached my skirts. I wanted him so badly, in ways I had never felt before. I breathed heavily into his neck. My fingers curled into his hair, forcing his head back. He chuckled, but did not try to fight it.
"Oh, Fergus."
"Say my name again," he kissed me and moved his hand faster with my breathing.
"Fergus," I shuddered and looked at him. "Was that... okay?"
"Okay? Ma Cherie, was that okay for you?" I nodded, feeling heat rise to my cheeks.
"Is there anything I can... do for ye?" Fergus shook his head no and kissed me deeply.
"I am satisfied. Just looking at you is all I need for the rest of my life. We better go back downstairs before people start to get suspicious." When we were both decent again, he peeked his head into the hallway and signaled for me to make my exit.
Once back downstairs, I rejoined my sister and the rest of the Murray women. Katherine teased me by pointing out the redness on my face, which I blamed on the wine. A subtle wink and glance towards the stairs told me she knew better. Fergus came down those same stairs a few minutes later and went outside to drink with the men. I felt as if I floated through the rest of the evening. Going to bed that night, I thought about being with Fergus and imagined him lying next to me. I did not care what my mother thought, Fergus was a good man, and he was mine.