Je Suis Prest || Outlander

Chapter 11

Ma always said everything looks better in the morning, but I was not sure about that upon waking up. The only person I wanted to see was Fergus. Stepping out of Balriggan, the autumn wind sent a chill down my spine. Snow would be falling soon, and so I knew Jamie must make the choice to leave or stay in the Highlands over winter. I looked forward to sitting with Fergus in the warm shelter of the barn, but as I searched the stalls and the loft, I could not find him. His belongings were not gone, but neatly folded as if awaiting a journey.

I climbed back down the ladder from the loft and ran out into the fields where our sheep were grazing. Fortunately that is where Fergus was, acting the part of a good sheepdog. "Fergus!" I waved him over, and he waved back but did not come over. I guess I will have to go to him, lifting my skirts to join him in the middle of our flock. "Yer up early this morning."

"Oui, I have much to do for Milord before we leave." He never looked up at me, but continued gazing down at the sea of walking wool.

"Oh. Will I see ye when yer finished?"

"I do not think so. You know your mother would never allow me in the house."

"Then I'll come see ye in the barn after supper!"

"No, Marsali. There is no reason to anger your mother."

"No reason? Fergus, what are you going on about?" My heart sank. I thought we had confirmed the day before that we would continue courting.

"Forget it, forget me. I was thinking last night that it just... it cannot work between us."

"How can you say such a thing to me? How dare you? I told you yesterday that I am willing to risk everything to be with you-- no, dinna interrupt me-- I choose you and I will only ever choose you. I dinna ken if Ma and Da will bless our marriage, but we willna need them. We can make it on our own, I can be a seamstress and you will work, and--"

"Marsali!" His hands flew into the air, exasperated. "That is just the problem. I would not want you to work, I need to be able to provide for a wife, and I cannot."

"It is not your decision what I will and willna do. If I want to work, I will work. I will not bend to your ego, Fergus." I let out an exasperated sound and glared at him, waiting for a response.

"What, do you want to throw shit at me again? Will that make you happy?"

"I've a mind to if ye keep talking the way ye are."

"Do it then. I am all yours, just as you wanted." He turned to face me, spreading his arms wide and to bare the front of his shirt.

"I do want ye. But I want to love ye... not this. I willna do this." I turned on my heel and made my way back to the house without looking back. Jamie was coming the opposite direction on horseback. He swung a leg over the horse's chestnut back and dropped to the ground.

"Marsali! What were ye doing in the pen, lass? Yer covered in filth."

"Where have ye been?" I asked angrily.

"I had business in Lallybroch. What's the matter with ye? Is Joan alright?"

"Joan?" Men are so dense. I crumpled in his arms, and I would have fallen if he had not been holding me upright.

"Talk to me, lass. What's been troubling ye? Ye've not been the same since Edinburgh."

Where to begin? "Ma doesna want me to marry someone I love. She thinks I need someone that is perfect, and able to provide for me as if I were useless."