Je Suis Prest || Outlander

Chapter 13

The following fortnight saw us home to Balriggan for what I knew would be a long time. Jamie and Fergus returned to Edinburgh during a thaw after Hogmanay. I had been hoping they would stay until the end of winter, but Jamie was eager to return to his press and put space between Ma and himself. Fergus promised to write often, which he did, and also sent along gifts and sweets when he could. In his letters he described his work at the printing press, and of the experiences he was having in Edinburgh. He always said he wished for me to join him, and offered to come and collect me from Balriggan when I was ready. After a while however, the letters stopped coming. I was heartbroken.

The winter snow melted away once and for all and spring returned in full bloom. Ma continued work towards arranging my marriage, somehow less successfully than Jamie. I found ways to reject every suitor brought before me. I begged and pleaded to be allowed another two years to see to Joanie's education, and remain at Balriggan. She grew irritated by my reluctance to marry, and it was the reason for many arguments. She would say that she was the mother, and that her and Joan would be fine without me. I knew in my heart I was reluctant to marry because I was holding out hope for Fergus to return for me, but I also knew in my mind that she and Joan would not be okay on their own. In the time it had been just us three, my mother leaned on me heavily to care for Joan and the home. It was all too much work for Joan to pick up the mantle yet. To be honest, I could barely manage it most days, but I could not disappoint our mother.

And so I stayed. Two more sheep were born to our herd, and a barn cat had had kittens in the loft. Joan and I cared for them by leaving cups of milk out and building little beds for each of them. It made me sad to tear up the blankets and bedding that we had kept in the loft for Fergus and Jamie, but we knew they would not be needing it anymore.

One day in late spring, nearly summer, I was reading a book Fergus had sent me from Edinburgh on my bed. It was a novel written by Eliza Haywood; Fergus loved her writing and so he was eager to pass on her novels about strong-willed, independent women to me. I was startled out of my reading by shouting coming from below, which in this house would not be so unusual, but on this particular day I was not the reason for the shouting this time. Ma was in a fit of rage after receiving a message from Lallybroch. "Girls! We are leaving for Lallybroch now!" Her face was beet red the entire ride there. I was concerned, of course, but figured she was only angry at the return of Jamie to Lallybroch. I anxiously waited to see if Fergus had joined him, but tried to put it out of my mind. I had not received a letter in several weeks.

Auntie Jenny was waiting at the door with her hands on her hips. "Laoghaire, he is upstairs. Dinna let the girls go," Ma rushed passed her.

"Like Hell I will, they can see their father for who he really is." She shooed Joan and I up the stairs towards the room Jamie usually occupied when he was home. I held on to Joanie's shoulders as if I could keep her from opening that door.

"Daddy!" On the bed across from us was our father and another woman with bushy, black hair. "Daddy, who is that woman?"

My ears were ringing. I knew Ma and Jamie had not had a happy marriage, and had been separated for well over a year now, but I thought he cared for us. I thought he loved us.

Mother was screaming and cursing the Sassenach witch before us. "Ma, I dinna think we should be here..." I pleaded with her, but she would not leave. She hurled insults at Da and this woman, who I now realized was in a state of undress. Da, how could you?

I stumbled down the hall to where the Murray girls shared a room. Joan ran away weeping, but I could not think of anything besides myself at that moment. Young Janet pulled me into her room and shut the door. "Thank the Lord you are here, and that your mother received our message."