"A second chance will never be able to heal the wound of the first one."
―Laura Chouette
Astoria was sure she was getting the front seat of the rover no-questions-asked because she was sick, but as Bellamy drove through the rain over rocks and fallen branches she didn't care. She had already forced him to pull over once for her to throw up, and she quieted any questions with a harsh glare before she took some water into her mouth just to spit it back out with the taste of her vomit.
After, she fell asleep for an hour and a half, and no one tried to wake her as they followed the map in Lincoln's journal. It wasn't until Bellamy failed to avoid a pothole that Astoria flinched, and took a deep breath as she blinked away her grogginess.
"Sorry," Bellamy forced her attention, and she looked over to him as she sat up slightly in her seat. She brought her legs down from where she had them tucked under her, and shook her feet slightly to get the tingles out. She only nodded her head, because she wasn't sure she wanted to become completely friendly with him again. She loved him, she pretty sure even he knew that, but it didn't change the horrible feeling she got in her gut when she looked at the healing cuts on his face. "You sure you were up to coming?"
"That doesn't concern you," she shut his question down quickly, turning her body slightly to be looking out the window to her right. She didn't need his worry.
When he heard that she was awake, Jasper leaned over in his seat to show her a page from Lincoln's journal. "Well, look who it is," he spoke with a smile, and when Astoria looked down to the drawing she found one of her own.
He let her take it from his hands, and Astoria ran her finger over the charcoal lightly. He had done it before he had properly met her, after he saved her from an arrow and left her in her cave alone. She looked younger, which made sense because she was only fifteen, but her face was sad. He had never shown it to her, and her heart ached as she looked at it. She felt Bellamy's eyes as well, and she nearly sneered at him to keep his attention on the trees.
She gave Jasper a smile as she passed the book back to him, and it was ten minutes before he spoke again. "It's been an hour since we passed the airplane wreckage," he observed, though Astoria had been asleep then. "Seeing as we're using a map without any distances, it could be days before we reach Luna's village."
"At least we know we're going in the right direction," Bellamy spoke up, and Astoria flinched slightly when he drove too close to a tree on her side.
"We're running out of daylight," Jasper shook his head. "We should stop in the sun and recharge the battery."
Clarke looked out the back window, "What sun?" She shook her head as well, meeting the boys eyes from where she sat across from him. "We keep going until it dies."
"We keep going until we get to Luna," Octavia corrected, her voice sounding like the fact wasn't up for discussion.
A few seconds of silence passed. "What do you think she's gonna say when we show up asking to put an AI in her head?" Jasper asked.
"Most grounders I know would jump at the chance to be the Commander," Astoria pointed out, but in truth she didn't know much about Luna. Lincoln had mentioned her once, and told the younger girl that she could find refugee with her at the ocean. Astoria didn't take him up on the offer, because she barely liked having him help her. She preferred to be alone back then.
"Lincoln said she helps those that are in trouble," Octavia continued for her, and Astoria hoped she was right. Otherwise they drove all the way out for nothing. "She'll help us too."
Once the words fell from her lips Bellamy was slamming on the breaks, and just as he always did he held out an arm to help brace Astoria. She held it for a moment, until she realised she was fine, after which she quickly pushed him away. He didn't speak a word, or even huff, and they both looked to the tree than had fallen from the storm.
"Think she can help us find a better map?" Jasper quipped, and Astoria rolled her eyes.
"We'll backtrack," Bellamy decided, moving the gearstick slightly. "Find somewhere where the trees aren't so bad-" he stopped when Octavia opened the back door, and Astoria couldn't stop herself from smiling. "Hey!"
She shook her head, and opened her door as well. "Try telling her that," she mumbled, and Bellamy pushed his lips together as he followed them out of the rover.
"Anyone hear the part where I said it could be days?" Jasper called as the girls began to rush through the trees, though they didn't get far before Octavia was putting her hand up.
"Stop!" she ordered, and they all obliged. "You hear that?"
Astoria listened carefully, and nodded her head as Clarke answered. "Water."
The continued to run up a small hill, and when Bellamy called out Astoria huffed in annoyance. "Eyes sharp, they could be hostile," he warned, and Octavia turned as she reached the top.
"They're not hostile!" she argued, shaking her head. "Put the guns down!"
When they found a rushing lake, Astoria quickly pulled her bow over her head and followed after Octavia. They walked beside it until they found the ocean, the rain no longer as heavy and now being blocked by the trees. Until they came to wide open water, where they all stopped.
"Where's the village?" Jasper voiced the concern they all had, because there were no huts or people to be seen.
Octavia opened Lincoln's journal and looked to the map, allowing Astoria to look over her shoulder as well. The cairns to their left marked the area, and proved that they were in the right spot. "No," Octavia whispered, sounding defeated before she shook her head and took a deep breath. "No, it can't be."
When she took off towards the stacked of rocks, the others followed quickly behind. When they got there they stopped in the middle of them, and Astoria spun in a small circle, almost not believe the sight. Lincoln told them it would be there - it had to be there.
"It isn't a village," Jasper breathed, sounding just as confused as the rest of them. "It's just a bunch of rocks."
"She's gone," Clarke whispered with a shake of her head, not wanting to think it true.
They had managed to find enough dry wood to build a small fire, and Astoria had quickly got to work lighting it. Octavia was at her side watching as she rubbed the two sticks together over a bundle of dried grass, and up until then they had been relatively quiet. It was quite the group; Jasper and Astoria were mad at Clarke, and Astoria and Octavia were mad at Bellamy. It would be difficult to have a conversation that wasn't tense.
When Bellamy came back from the woods and dropped more wood down by the unlit fire, Clarke stood to her feet. "It'll be dark soon," she started, and Astoria continued to rub the two sticks together. "We need to talk about what we're gonna do."
"We wait until first light," Octavia took charge, seemingly having thought of the plan already. "And then we split up, and search the shore in both directions."
Astoria huffed and nodded her head, and Octavia quickly leaned down and started to blow on the small flame she had created. While the grounder tossed the frayed sticks to the sand below, Octavia picked up the grass and continued to blow on it, placing it into pile of logs. The fire took quickly, and when it did Bellamy nodded his head.
"I agree," he looked over the group, and Astoria kept her eyes on the growing yellow and orange flame. "Lincoln's wouldn't put this spot on the map unless it was important-"
He had bent down to grab the mans journal, but Octavia quickly reached over and snatched it from him. "Don't touch that!" she spoke harshly, and Astoria put her tongue between her teeth.
No one spoke a word as Bellamy crouched beside his sister, "Come on, O. How long?"
Octavia didn't meet his eyes, and cracked a stick over her knee before throwing the pieces into the fire. "I don't know," she spoke truthfully, and Astoria shuffled slightly. She pulled her legs up and took a handful on sand, letting it fall between her fingers as she looked out to the water. "I can't even look at you, because every time I do, I see Pike putting that gun to Lincoln's head. I hear the gunshot. I see him fall."
Bellamy waited a moment, and then shook his head. "I didn't kill Lincoln," he sounded pained, and Astoria tried not to flinch.
"No, but he is dead because of you," Octavia hissed, standing to her feet quickly.
"I came to you," Bellamy argued, getting up as well. "You didn't take my help. If you had just trusted me, I..."
He stopped when his sister huffed and bent back down, returning to breaking sticks and tossing them into the fire. He closed his mouth and barely huffed, instead simply walking down the beach and out of earshot. Astoria watched him go, and she only just allowed herself to frown when the fire roared and she twisted her head to it quickly.
The flames had turned green for only a moment before they returned to orange, and she tilted her head slightly as the others backed away. "What did you just do?" Octavia asked Jasper, shaking her head in confusion.
He shrugged, and looked down to the pine branch in his hand. "Nothing, I just threw these in the fire," he explained, and Octavia narrowed her eyes.
"What?" Astoria asked, just as confused as the others. Sometimes she thought that Octavia knew more about her people than she did.
The younger girl grabbed for Lincoln's journal quickly, and flipped through it until she found a small branch of pine needles tucked inside. She brought it up in front of her eyes to examine it, and then tossed it into the fire. It turned green again.
"Signal fire," Octavia breathed, sounding relieved. "He was trying to tell us, this is how we contact Luna."
Clarke was clearly happy as well, and Jasper quickly tossed the remaining pine into the flames. "I'll get more," he spoke before he left to collect the branches that were scattered along the beach.
It was dark before Clarke finally looked to the grounder amongst them, and Astoria knew what she was going to say before she opened her mouth. She didn't want to talk to him, or try and comfort him, when she was still fighting with herself over whether he deserved it. She just wanted to ignore the problem, just as she normally did.
Jasper continued to lazily throw pine needles into the fire, and after a few seconds of feeling the blondes eyes on her, Astoria huffed. "Don't, Clarke," she warned, but her friend didn't listen.
"You should talk to him," Clarke tried, and Astoria huffed and shook her head. "He'll listen to you-"
"What am I supposed to say to him?" Astoria raised her voice suddenly, not even meaning to. She took a deep breath and looked back to the fire. "I asked him countless times to do the right thing, and he didn't listen. Now, he has to deal with that."
She had decided she hated love. It wasn't fair; her heart shouldn't be tied to someone who brought it such pain. She should be able to cut it out by its roots and pretend that it never happened.
When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because that is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not desire to mate every second of the day. it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it?
Astoria had rolled her eyes when she read the passage from one of her books, but now she wished to travel in time to punch Louis de Bernières in his nose. Her and Bellamy were no longer in love, perhaps, but, God, if she didn't love him more than her heart could take. She loved him so much is hurt her chest, and made her bones ache to be near him. She loved him in a way she never thought possible, and felt her heart tighten every time she looked at his face.
She loved him so much, that every time she saw his guilt - the horrible, heavy, heartbreaking guilt - flash behind his eyes, or whenever he flinched slightly at Lincoln's name, or when he hid his hurt at the harsh way she spoke to him, she wanted to rush forward and capture his lips and tell him everything would be alright. She wanted to forgive him, and forget the past weeks had ever happened.
As strong as her love was, her stubbornness was stronger, as well as her anger. She loved him, but the sight of him made her want to cry.
"I'm going to try and catch us something to eat," she finally grunted, getting to her feet and quickly shaking her head as Clarke tried to follow her. "Just..." she paused, scrunching her face up slightly in discomfort. "Just leave me alone."
She moved into the woods, pulling her bow over her shoulder and moving silently through the trees. It took her only ten minutes to find a hare, and she stilled and bent down at the sight. It lifted it's head slightly as she took out an arrow, but remained still as she brought it back and let it fly. It went right through the animals eye, and Astoria took a deep breath.
When she got up to go collect it, she froze quickly when a blade was pressed against her throat. "Gyn en wan," the man behind her hissed, and Astoria rose her hands. "Mof duan shuda," he continued to demand, and with a tilt of her head (that only caused the knife to be moved closer to her neck) Astoria let her bow fall to the dirt beneath them. A woman she hadn't known was with them reached down and picked it up, and Astoria eyed her warningly. "Strech au."
They pushed her back to the group with the blade still at her throat, and Astoria huffed at the sight in front of her. Jasper and Octavia had their hands up as grounders surrounded them, and Bellamy and Clarke had their hands tied behind their backs and gags in their mouths. Clearly the signal fire worked.
"No, wait!" Octavia tried as the two tied were shoved to their knees and Astoria was yanked back by her hair to have her neck more exposed.
The man in charge waited a moment before he spoke, "Who are you? Why did you signal?"
"I am Octavia of Skaikru, and I seek safe passage," Octavia spoke Trigedasleng in return, and it was clear she had practiced the phrase multiple times before.
"Skaikru, bringers of death," the man responded in English, looking to the other grounders. "Why should we give you safe passage?"
Octavia took a deep breath, "Lincoln." It was clear he had heard of him, because he started to listen more closely. "He sent us."
The man waited a moment, before nodding to the grounder who had the knife to Astoria's throat and addressing those behind Bellamy and Clarke. "Remove their gags and free their hands," he instructed as Astoria felt the blade leave her skin, and she took steps away from the man who had her quickly.
Once he was up, Bellamy looked between the two girls who spoke Trigedasleng. "What's going on?" he asked quietly, as if whispering would make the grounders understand him any less.
"I don't know," Octavia whispered back as the man in charge moved closer to her, unwrapping a case and handing her a vial of clear liquid.
"What is that?" Clarke asked quickly, not sounding happy with how the interaction had gone thus far.
The man handed her one as well, "Safe passage."
He gave them out to the rest of them, and Astoria studied it closely once it was in her hands. "What does it do?" Jasper asked as he took his own, but he didn't get an answer.
Without much though, Octavia removed the cork and poured the liquid into her mouth, and Bellamy quickly took a step forward. "Octavia, wait!" he tried, but she just shook her head and swallowed.
"I trust Lincoln," she shrugged, and Astoria titled her head as she removed the cap off her own vial.
"If only she drinks, only she goes," the grounder man told them, and Jasper had his ready as well.
He spoke as Astoria poured hers into her mouth, and downed his shortly afterwards. "See you on the other side," he mumbled, and almost immediately Octavia collapsed to the sand. Astoria felt her vision grow fuzzy as Bellamy tried to reach his sister, but he was held back by one of the men. "Oh crap," she barely heard the words, and soon she was crumbling to the ground herself.
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
"Astoria," the voice sounded far, he she knew it was right in her ear. Her sleep had been so peaceful, and the sun was hitting her face and warming her up in the cold December air. What reason could she possibly have for waking up? She was encased in arms that made her feel safe, and barely minded that the metal below acted as a horrible pillow. She'd stay right where she was until the moon rose once more, and more stars started to shine. "We should go inside."
She huffed, and shook her head as she grabbed the arms wrapped around her to ensure they didn't go anywhere. She recognised Bellamy's laugh, and it would have brought a smile to her face if she wasn't so incredibly tired. When he brought his lips to her cheek she didn't react, and he rolled his eyes and started to try and stand.
"Come on," he coaxed, but she held him tighter and kept him in place. "The camp will start waking up soon, let's go in and sleep for a few more hours."
"I don't think I can move," she whispered, and a frown covered her lips when Bellamy rolled away from her and got to his knees. "If you want to get me off this roof you'll have to drag me."
He huffed and grabbed her shoulders, pulling her to be sitting up but she didn't open her eyes. He knew now she was awake, and just trying to annoy him. When he stilled and waited for a few seconds she couldn't hold in her laughter, and it escaped quietly through a smile. "Get up," he groaned, and she frowned and pretended to cry. "I cannot believe anyone ever found you scary."
At that she laughed quietly, and he smiled as she opened her eyes and let him pull her up. He held her waist and she leaned her head on his chest, her exhaustion getting the better of her - Bellamy thought she was just tired because they had been up late stargazing, but Astoria knew it was her illness.
"We can go to my room and sleep," he promised as he turned her around and started to walk with his hands on her hips to get down off the Ark. He guided her like that all the way through the building until she was able to flop down onto his bed, and he smiled as he took off her boots and helped her crawl under his sheets.
He couldn't believe he ever thought she was anything but a soft, magical ball of fire, and somehow he was lucky enough to get to keep her warm through the cold.
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
"Astoria," someone spoke, hands on her shoulders to coax her awake. Her head was fuzzy, and it took a few tries before she was able to fully blink herself awake, but once she remembered what had happened before she fell unconscious she quickly flinched and attempted to scoot away from the voice. "Hey, hey, it's me," Bellamy whispered, trying to calm her. She stilled when she registered it was him, and forced herself to keep eye contact with him.
He was still holding her by her upper arms, and she swallowed the lump in her throat as she looked into his eyes. There it was; the grief and guilt behind the pool of deep brown, brought forth just by looking at her. Like it was a painful thing to do.
"My sword's gone," Octavia's voice brought Astoria back from her thoughts, and she quickly looked at the room around them. It was a large crate, with walls of painted metal that was fraying from it's red colour back to grey. Sun was peaking through small holes, and when Astoria pushed herself away from Bellamy to stand she brought a hand up to cover her eyes.
"Guns, too," Jasper added, and Astoria quickly went to grab at her bow only to find her back bare. Her pistol and knife were taken from her hip as well, and she held in her groan of annoyance when Octavia began to pant on the metal walls.
She darted her head up at the sound, and took steps towards the girl. Once she began to move the door on the other side of the crate was pulled open, and the room was filled with bright light from outside. Astoria stilled, and squinted her eyes as a woman walked inside.
"Luna," Octavia whispered, recognising her from a drawing in Lincoln's journal.
The grounder looked amongst the group, not focusing on any of them for too long. Then she shook her head, "Where's Lincoln?"
"Lincoln is dead," Octavia breathed, as though the words never got easier to say.
Luna closed her eyes for a moment, but before she could properly grieve Clarke was taking steps forward. "Lincoln said that you would help us," she explained, and Luna raised her eyebrows.
"Did he?" she asked, sounding annoyed that their mutual friend would make promises on her behalf.
"Luna, you're the last of you kind," Clarke continued, ignoring the underlining hostile tone. "The last nightblood."
The words hit Luna's heart the same as Octavia's did. "So, Lexa is dead as well," she whispered, shaking her head slightly.
"Her spirit has chosen you to become the next Commander," Clarke nodded, moving to open to box in her hand. "Titus entrusted me with the flame to give to you."
"Then he should have told you that I left my conclave, swearing to never kill again," Luna's voice was quiet, and Astoria and Bellamy exchanged a glance.
Clarke only shook her head, "You don't have to kill. To lead is your birthright, how you lead is your choice. Here," she took steps closer, holding out the flame for her to take.
Luna cupped her hands under Clarkes, "I recognise the sacred symbol. But what is that?"
"This is the flame," she explained, and Luna looked up as though she had heard of it. Clarke assumed she had, but just like Astoria and Oran, she had never actually seen it before. "Will you take it and become the next Commander?"
The crate fell into a silence; one that was much to loud, and went on for much too long. Astoria shuffled slightly, a hard look her face. Clarke posed it as a question, but it wasn't truly one. They had no other choice. They needed Luna to take the flame, otherwise they'd be out of options to kill ALIE that wouldn't end up with them dead.
"No." The word echoed off the walls and into their ears like an explosion, and Astoria shut her eyes and took a deep breath. Weight crashed down on her shoulders, and breathing felt difficult and heavy. Nothing would go their way - no, that would be to easy - they'd be forced to do wrong acts in hopes it would lead to doing the right thing.
translations:
gyn en wan... move and die
mof daun shuda... put down the bow
strech au... walk