"Of the many things hidden from the knowledge of man, nothing is more unintelligible than the human heart."
―Homer (The Iliad)
Day 123
Astoria's heart stung like someone had pushed a knife through it, and she hadn't even told him yet. It felt like it was shattered in little pieces, and shaking around her ribcage to poke at her lungs and liver. She had to tell him; it had been too long, and the longer she put it off the more angry he would be. He was going to scream regardless, Astoria expected that, and even after Raven spent the entire night before assuring her that it would be fine - that Bellamy loved her more than she understood, and that him finding out would be a relief - Astoria didn't think she was ready.
The words he spoke four days before terrified her, but in a way they served as a wake up call. He loved her, and she had to get over her fear of the sadness she would bring him and tell him she was sick. Bellamy could sense something was different since he whispered the words in his drunken state; she hadn't been ignoring him, but she always seemed somewhere else when she was right beside him. When they were sat atop the roof of the Ark, or in the rover with the others to map out one of the sectors, or sat with Lincoln in the mess hall during lunch - he could sense that something was bothering her.
It forced him to fight off his frown every time he was in her presence, because the woman he had gotten to know for the past months - the woman who smiled more than she would've liked to, and had inside jokes with her friends, and who could never shut up about the book she had open on her lap - was slipping away. Back into the depths of her being, and in her place was the stoic, lonely girl he met at the dropship during his first night on Earth.
He couldn't stop himself from feeling like he was to blame, because he knew she didn't want to hear the phrase he couldn't keep in any longer. He wished he could take it back.
She was sat at one of the tables in the yard alone, no book in front of her to act as entertainment. She couldn't focus on anything; just the words she needed to say to Bellamy when he finished his guard shift and met her. The reason they kept me in the mountain wasn't to use me to keep the others in check, it was because Dante's granddaughter was sick - sick with something I have. They tried to use me to find a cure, but it didn't work. She died, and I'm going to as well.
There must be an easier way.
It would be best to start from the beginning, though. The reason she nearly died at the dropship when Murphy got them all sick was because her immune system was weaker than it should have been, and when Dante told her she was sick it started to make sense. She only told Raven when she felt alone and scared, and then Abby to try and figure out a way to save herself. She kept it from him because she had hoped they'd be able to fix it, but now too much time had passed. He cared about her too much to be left in the dark any longer.
She hadn't realised her eyes had started to water until Bellamy put an arm on her shoulder, smile dropping slightly at the look on her face.
"What's wrong?" he asked quickly as he crouched in front of her, but Astoria shook her head and got to her feet. She wiped her eyes, taking deep breaths to calm herself down. She could do it.
When she turned he was standing straight, looking horribly worried. It made her stomach churn, and her heart pierce her lungs tighter. She wasn't sure she could do it.
"I have to tell you something," she whispered, and he titled his head before taking a step forward. Her skin had turned cold, and her words tasted like poison on her lips. Her hands were clammy and her ears ringing, and the knife was twisted in her chest. "The reason..."
She couldn't get the words out. They fell dead on her lips, and Bellamy somehow looked even more concerned. "You're freaking me out, Astoria," he laughed, trying to hide his fear. She let him move close enough to grab one of her hands, and his eyes were filled with such adoration as he met hers. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."
She couldn't do it.
"I can't keep doing this, Bellamy," the words were barely audible, and Bellamy tilted his head.
"Doing what?" he asked, with another laugh to conceal his emotions.
Astoria shut her eyes, and shook her head. "This," she whispered, and he loosened his grip on her hand slightly. She took a deep breath, and forced herself to be strong as she looked at him. The sudden lack of emotions nearly made Bellamy flinch. "I can't give you what you want," she was slightly louder now, and she took her hand away from his.
When she tried to walk about he grabbed her arm quickly, "Woah, woah. I just want you." She let him stop her, and when she shook her head again he continued. "Astoria, I just want you," he moved his hands up to her face, and when she shut her eyes he scrunched his brows. "What's wrong."
She shook her head, grabbing his wrists and forcing his hands off her. "I can't keep doing this, Bellamy, it isn't fair to you," the words were truthful, even if she was leaving out the most important details. Her heart told her to just spit them out, because how was this pain any better than what she would have endured if she told him she was dying? "You don't deserve-"
"I'll decided what I deserve, alright?" he cut her off, voice still soft despite how his body was begging him to let anger take over. But he didn't want to be angry with her, especially when she was so clearly only just holding herself together. "Hey, talk to me," he whispered, taking a step closer to her as she shook her head. "When I said you had me forever I meant it. Let me help you, let me have you forev-"
"I can't give you forever, Bellamy," she cut him off, words harsh and quiet. He stilled but didn't move away from her, she did that. She took three steps back and shook her head, taking her bottom lip between her teeth. There she was again - the woman he knew at the dropship, who kept to herself and didn't let anyone see her heart. "I'm sorry if it hurts, but I don't want to be with you anymore."
Hurt? No, Bellamy was sure this was much worse than any hurt he had ever experienced. This was a bullet to his heart, one that spread pain through his veins to every inch of his body. This was the woman he had let own his heart, squishing it to pieces with no remorse. This was three months of peace coming to an end.
Astoria knew if she wanted him to actually let her go - if she wanted him to move on and stop loving her - she'd had to twist the knife a bit.
"I let this go on for too long," she lied, and the words stung worse than the vomit that forced itself up her throat did. Bellamy took a step back as if they were going through his chest and out the other side "I let you start to care too much, and now I'm stopping it."
In twenty-two years, she had never felt worse. She was capable of horrible things; she'd killed countless of her people, eradicated an entire floor of Mountain Men, gotten the woman she loved killed, tortured Dr. Tsing before she took her life slowly. She never thought she was capable of what she had just done, however. She never wanted to be capable of breaking Bellamy Blake's heart.
She left him quickly, and Bellamy didn't try to stop her. She couldn't keep her hands from shaking as she moved through the halls of the Ark; eyes brimming with tears and breathing so uneven it felt hard to get any air in at all. She broke Bellamy's heart, but why did it feel like she broke her own as well? Why did it feel like all the light had been sucked from her chest?
Her and Raven's room was empty when she got inside, and she closed the door roughly before putting her hands up against it. This hurt much more than telling him she was sick would have, but she hoped it would be easier for him. This way, he wouldn't still love her when she was dead.
With a huff she brought her fist back and punched the metal door, only once. It stung, and took the attention off her bleeding heart for a moment before she had to close her eyes once more. Her head wished she had never let him kiss her in the supply depot; that she had pushed him away and cursed him for thinking that was something she would want. Her head wished she had went on thinking he was an infuriating, overly-confident, horribly handsome asshole that hated her people and always put himself first.
Her heart knew he wasn't any of those things, and it also knew that having his memory was better than not having him at all. He was a celestial; a man plucked from the stars to come down and prove to her that she was worthy of love. He was the reason she would die knowing she wasn't a monster.
Eventually she turned, and looked over the empty room with a heavy heart. I love you, she swore the drunk words could still be heard in the walls. How horrible they sounded now, on her hot ears as she saw the broken look on his face over and over in her mind.
When Raven entered she was still standing, and the mechanic drew her eyebrows together until her roommate turned. Astoria's eyes were red and puffy, and Raven couldn't remember the last time she saw her cry. She dropped her bag quickly, "You told him?"
Astoria shook her head, and Raven titled hers slightly in question. But she didn't ask, and instead moved farther inside to wrap her up. Astoria kept her arms at her sides, head pressed into Raven's shoulder as she tried to fix her breathing. The tears continued to come, and they stung her cheeks as they fell. Astoria hadn't thought it was possible to break her own heart, but that day she had broken two.
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Present Day
When Astoria awoke, she was in the medical ward of the Ark. Her arm stung from where an needle had been stuck into it, and her face hurt like she had been hit by the rover, but it was hard to focus too much on the pain as she remembered how she got it. The lights weren't too bright when she opened her eyes, and when she spotted Bellamy sat on a chair at the end of the bed she was in she started to shuffle.
He looked up from the book he was reading and closed it quickly, sitting up without a clue of what to say. Luckily, she spoke first.
"Is everyone alright - Oran, Thomas? Raven?" she started to list, and Bellamy nodded his head. She leaned back into her pillow with a deep breath, but when Bellamy spoke she shut her eyes.
"Sinclair's dead," he told her, and she put her tongue between her lips.
Without another word she sat up in her bed, bringing her hands up to rub over her face. She'd have to find Raven as soon as she could, because she knew how much the man meant to her. Raven was the last person who deserved to lose anyone else.
"Clarke gave me some of Raven's blood?" she changed the subject, because she didn't think she could focus on any more of her friend's deaths. Her bones ached less, and she knew her headache was mostly because of all the damage Emerson had done.
But Bellamy shook his head, and Astoria watched as he twisted his arm to show the small bandage over the crook of his arm. "Figured Raven could use a break," he told her, and she agreed. "Clarke told me we were a match, and I thought it was least I could do."
Astoria agreed with that as well, but she didn't say anything. She hadn't expected it to be him sitting with her when she awoke; she thought it'd be Oran, or Thomas, or anyone but him really. But there he was, at the end of her bed with The Iliad in hand and his eyes focused on her. As though they were still together, and not both horribly mad with one another. Like everything was normal.
"I was going to tell you," she broke the silence, and he was surprised by her voice. He didn't think she'd say anything to him, and that eventually he'd have to get up and tell her they were leaving in thirty minutes. She never did as he thought she would, though. "That day when I ended things. I was going to tell you I was sick, but I... I couldn't. I couldn't do that to you."
"But breaking my heart was better?" he asked, genuinely curious as to what her thought process was.
She waited a moment, looking to the window in the room to avoid his eyes. "I thought It'd be easier for you to grieve me if you didn't love me," she explained, voice small. It made more sense in her head.
"I don't think you understand how difficult it is to fall out of love with you," he countered, his tone so serious it forced Astoria's eyes back to him. He was leaned back in his chair more, trying to appear comfortable despite how tense he felt. It was their first conversation in a long time that wasn't full of shouts and curses.
Neither were sure what to say, and Bellamy looked to the book in his hands before shaking his head.
"You're reading this for a second time, aren't you?" he asked, but he knew the answer. The corner that was folded over was in the first half of the book, and Astoria read much faster than that.
She managed to smile, not even meaning to. Bellamy's heart pounded against his ribcage, because it had been a long time since he got her to smile. "Any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again," she quoted, and Bellamy smiled as well.
"You're not doomed," he assured, and Astoria released a small huff and pressed her lips together. It seemed that was what everyone said when they found out she was sick. "I know you hate me," he continued, and the word made Astoria's chest ache. She remained silent. "But I am going to do everything I can to give you a future," he vowed, and she closed her eyes. "And if I can't, then I'm going to make sure your last days on Earth the best you've ever had."
She opened her eyes and watched him carefully, suddenly feeling like she could burst into tears. No one had admitted that she may die, not for the months that Abby and Raven have known she was sick. They always told her they'd figure it out, or something new could come up and give them a lead to a cure. All she wanted was someone to tell her the truth; that she was dying.
"Thank you," she whispered, voice slightly shaky. Bellamy didn't mention it, because he knew she wouldn't want him to. He knew her just as well as she knew herself; he knew she was tired of people lying to her about her odds of survival, and that with everything falling apart she was afraid she wouldn't get another moment of happiness before she died. He was going to do everything he could to keep her alive, no matter what it took, but he also wasn't going to waste the time they had left.
He stood to his feet after a few moments of silence, and dropped the book in his hands at the end of her bed. "Octavia wanted to wait for you to say goodbye to Lincoln," his voice was quieter, and Astoria took a deep breath. How could she possibly say goodbye to Lincoln? "We'll be in the yard whenever you're ready."
Soon after he left her alone, and she sat on the bed for at least ten minutes in silence. Her bow and pistol were on the one across from her, and she quickly grabbed them before she left the room and exited the Ark. It was dark, and she wondered how long she had slept but didn't think she wanted to ask. She'd feel too guilty if they waited long.
They had brought over a collection of logs to build a pyre, and Astoria swallowed the lump in her throat at the sight of the two bodies on top of them. Thomas was stood next to Bellamy, and Astoria didn't try and join them. She was too focused on her covered friend - on his corpse. They all looked to her as she approached, but she ignored them to stopped by the pyre.
Sinclair wasn't wrapped in cloth like Lincoln was, and Astoria looked to him for a moment before focusing on the grounder. When she pulled the cloth away to find his face she scrunched up her lips, unable to stop the tears that started to silently fall from her eyes. He had crusted blood on the side of his head, his dark skin was paler that usual, and he barely looked like Lincoln.
She closed her eyes and brought her lips down to gently press into his cold forehead, and when she pulled away she hovered. "Reshwe," she whispered, clenching her fists for a moment to stop them from shaking as she covered him once more.
When she tore her eyes away, she saw that Octavia had lit a torch and was stood beside Raven, who moved to Sinclair and took a moment to say goodbye as well. Astoria waited a few seconds before she moved to stand in the small circle of her friends, stopping at Oran's side and watching carefully as Octavia lit the pyre.
"Yu gonplei ste odon," she spoke strongly, tossing the torch into the growing fire as she took steps back. Astoria repeated the words along with others, and they only stood for a minute or two before Octavia shook her head. "It's time to go," she decided, and Astoria looked to her face. "I'll get the map."
Thirty minutes later they stood in the garage, and Astoria leaned against the rover as Thomas sat with his legs hanging out the back. Bellamy and Jasper were packing things into it silently, but every time a new box or bag was added Thomas chirped up to ask what it was. It wasn't until Monty was helping Raven down the ramp, with the others in tow, that Astoria pushed herself to be standing upright.
"Hey, we're leaving," Bellamy called, shaking his head slightly. "Why aren't you ready?"
"We're not going with you," Raven informed them, and Astoria took a step closer.
Clarke did as well, "Raven-"
"I can barely walk and my shoulder is killing me," she explained, and Astoria knew she was right. "But my brain is all kinds of awesome."
The grounder smiled as Monty took over. "She remembered that ALIE downloaded herself into the Ark mainframe," he started, and Astoria just barely understood the words. "If the code is still there, we might be able to find a back door."
"I'm guessing once you connect ALIE-Two to Luna, we'll need to access ALIE-One to take her down," Raven went on, and the others nodded along.
Bellamy looked to those standing behind the mechanic, "Miller?"
"We'll keep 'em safe," he assured, and Harper smiled.
"I'll keep them safe," she added.
Then Bellamy turned to Jasper, "What about you? It's gonna be dangerous."
"You know me well," Jasper smiled, "I'm in."
Astoria found her brothers eyes as he moved to stand beside Raven, "Oran?"
"I'm staying to help Monty and Raven," he explained, and Astoria held in her frown. She knew he had learned a lot in the past months, but she wished he'd come with them. Still, it made it easier to leave Thomas behind.
"You're staying with them," she turned to the boy, and he tugged his lips down. Astoria rolled her eyes, "You won't have any fun with us, I promise. Just try not to get in get in the way too much. If you need to bother someone, bother Miller."
She dropped her voice to a teasing whisper, but the boy still let out an fake annoyed "Hey!"
They had short goodbyes, giving hugs to whoever need them and promising to keep one another safe. Then Astoria was in the front seat with her bow and quiver between her legs, her arms up and twisting the hair at the sides of her face into tight braids to keep it out of her eyes. She was able to focus on finding Luna and stopping ALIE now that Thomas was safe and out of her way, and her body felt much better now that she had some of Bellamy's blood in her system. They had a plan, and everything would be fine.
They'd be back at Arkadia in no time, and Astoria would spend her last month saying goodbye to the people she loved.
translations:
reshwe... rest in peace
yu gonplei ste odon... your fight is over