May 21st, Sunday 2021
11:30 am
Blue Ivy Knowles
"Did you lock the door?" She asks me
"Yes." I reply as I move away from my bedroom door then I get back into bed
"Okay." She replies as she flips her hair off her shoulder
"Okay are you ready?" I ask as I sit down on the bed as my eyes follow hers
"Yes." She says while I put chapstick on just like I did yesterday
"Okay so pretend I'm Damarcus" I tell her
"Alright." She responds
"Nydia you're so hot we must kiss." I say while putting on a deep voice
She busts out laughing while leaning on my shoulder.
"That was fucking horrible." She laughs loudly
"Shut up." I reply as I laugh softly
"Okay let's do it." She tells me as she leans back
She rests her hand on my cheek and she leans forward. My eyes widen once the realization hits me. We're really about to kiss this is so crazy.
I lean forward and our lips connect making my eyes widen more than they did before. She pecks my lips once then we pull away.
"That was nice." I whisper as I look down
"Do you want to do it again?" She hesitantly asks as she looks me up and down
"You're so gay." I say as I laugh softly
"No I'm not! I'm just trying to learn!" She says as she throws up her hands in defense
"Okay. Let's do it again." I reply as I rest my hands on each side of her cheek
"Damn you're eager, maybe you're the gay one." She teases
I look down then I shake my head no.
"No I'm not!" I reply making her laugh
"If you say so." She replies then she giggles
I smile softly then I hesitantly lean forward. She looks in my eyes then she leans forward along with me.
"Ready?" I rasp out
"Yeah." She responds
I press my lips against her feeling her soft lips on mine. I've never kissed anyone before so I have no idea what to do. I peck her lips once then two more times before pulling away.
"What if he tries to like put his tongue in my mouth I don't think I'm ready for that." She says
"If he does any shit that makes you uncomfortable I'll beat his ass." I tell her
"You're so cute, thank you blue blue." She tells me then she hugs me
"Don't call me cute.." I whisper as I look down trying not to smile
"Why not?" She questions
"Because..." I trail off
I hear a loud knock on my bedroom door.
"Blue why is the door locked?" My mama asks as the door knob rattles slightly
"Sorry! I'm coming mama." I reply as I get out of bed then I open the door
"Hi mama." I say sweetly
"Are your bags packed? We're leaving tonight." She asks me
"Yes mama my bags are packed." I tell her
"Good morning Mrs Knowles." Nydia says as she waves at my mama
"Good morning Ny, your dad is coming over to pick you up." Megan replies her as she waved back at her
"Okay." Nydia replies
"Well I was just checking to see if you were ready to go tonight." Mama tells
"Well yeah I'm ready." I reply to her
"Alright." She says then she closes the door behind her
"I don't want you to leave me." I pout
"Bitch, you're the one leave me, you're leaving the whole country." She tells me as she laughs while getting out of bed
"Shut up." I say while opening my arms wide so she can hug me
She steps into my arms and she hugs me tightly. Nydia grew a little bit so she's taller than me right now. I rest my head on her chest as we sway side to side while hugging.
"I'm gonna miss you." She whispers
"I'm gonna miss you more." I reply as I hug her tighter
"You're gonna miss my birthday." She pouts
"I'll bring you a gift as soon as I get home I swear." I tell her
"I know you will blue, thank you" She replies
"Nydia your parents are here!" I hear a voice coming from downstairs
She sighs softly then grabs her bag from the side of my bed.
"Come on I'll walk you downstairs." I tell her
She nods then her arms wrap around my shoulder and I rest my hand on her waist. I open the bedroom door and we leave my bedroom before going downstairs.
"Hi dad." Nydia says as we enter the living room
She doesn't let go of me, every step I take, she takes.
"Hi my beautiful princess." Nydia's dad says then he kisses her forehead
"Hi Blue is great to see you again." Nydia's dad tells me
"Hi Mr Smith how are you sir?" I ask him
"I'm doing great." He says sweetly
"Nydia are you ready to go?" He asks her
She lets out a soft sigh then she nods. She lets go of my hand then she stares at me with sad eyes. She immediately hugs me, lifting me up slightly. I squeal softly then I wrap my legs around her waist as she sways side to side.
"love you Blue blue I'll see you later." She says in my ear
"Love you back." I reply to her
"Okay I'm ready dad." She tells him as she turns away from me
"Alright let's go." He replies to her
"Bye Blue." She tells me as she follows after him, exiting my house
I sigh softly as I rest my hand above my heart feeling it beat extremely fast.
"Are you okay?" My mama asks me
"Yes." I reply while nodding
June 2nd, Tuesday 2021
12:30
Beyoncé Knowles
I open the front door to see Solange and Zion standing in front of me.
"Zy!" I exclaim before hugging him tightly
"Hi auntie. I missed you so much" He whispers as he hugs me tighter
"Damn fuck me huh?" Solange says making me laugh
"Shut the hell up." I respond playfully
I smile softly then I let go of Zion before hugging Solange. Solange smiles then she lifts me up as we hug. We walk inside my house then we go into my living room.
"How is my niece or nephew doing?" Solo asks as she rests her hand on my little bump
"They are great. I can't wait to find out the sex, I love my baby so much already." I reply while resting my hand on my stomach as a wide smile appears on my face
"I could not have any kids after Zion because he was a big ass headache." Solo tells me as she hugs Zion
"Yeah I was a little bit of a headache." He replies as he laughs softly
"But I love you so much though" Solo adds on then she kisses his temple
"Yeah yeah, I love you more mama" he says playfully
"Solo can you help me make this gumbo?" I ask her
"Why? Cause you can't cook?" She replies making Zion bust out laughing
"Oh fuck off, I'm a great cook." I tell her
"Erm." Zion says as he scratches the back of his head
"Oh both of y'all can go to hell." I say while laughing
Solange chuckles then she stands up and goes into the kitchen. I sigh softly then I stand up following after her and Zion does the same. Zion pulls himself up so he's sitting on the counter.
"Zy I saw your magazine cover, you looked very nice." I tell him while washing my hands
"Thank you auntie Bey bey." He tells me as he smiles widely
Zion is a model and his sense of style is very different and awesome. I'm so happy that he found his lane, Megan even invited him to come do a vogue photoshoot with her next weekend and he's super excited about that.
"Are you excited for the vogue photoshoot?" I ask him
"So excited, Megan is so awesome for that I don't know how I can even thank her for getting me the job." He says sounding super excited
"That's your auntie she loves you, she said she'll do whatever you need her to do when it comes to the modeling industry. She loves helping people out so I don't think she expects anything in return." I tell him as I grab a pot
"She's the best." He replies while kicking his feet back and forth
"She really is." I respond as I smile widely
8:30 pm
I lay in bed with a bowl of gumbo in my hand. I eat some of the gumbo before putting the bowl on my nightstand. I feel a slight pain in my stomach I assume it's my baby moving around, I'm only 8 weeks pregnant so they aren't gonna be kicking just yet.
"Ugh fuck." I whisper as I rest my hand on my stomach
I bounce my leg up and down as I close my eyes trying to brush away the pain. I grab my phone from the nightstand taking it off the charger, then I go to my contacts and I click on Megan's name before calling her. After the phone rings for a couple of seconds Meg finally picks up.
"Hello?" Megan answer sounding like she just woke up
"I'm sorry baby, did I wake up you?" I ask while breathing heavily
"It's all good baby, don't worry about it. You can call me whenever you want to, what's up?" She asks as she yawns loudly
"I'm just in a lot of pain right now." I whisper
"What's wrong?" She questions
"My stomach hurts a lot." I reply
"Was it the baby kicking?" She asks
"Baby I'm on 2 months pregnant it couldn't possibly be that." I respond as I rest my hand on my stomach feeling the pain get worse and worse
I groan loudly at the excruciating sensation that I'm feeling right now.
"Fucking hell.." I whimper through tears
"Are you okay Bey?" Megan asks me
"Yeah, just give me a second. I'll call you back." I say as I quickly wipe away my tears
"Okay, I love you. I'll wait by the phone." She tells me
"Alright." I reply then I quickly hang up
I put my phone into my pocket as I try to stand up but the pain is so overwhelming that I can barely walk. I kneel down on the floor as I take multiple deep breaths. The pain from my lower stomach travels to my back and it makes me nauseous. The pain is very similar to when I was pregnant with Blue, this cannot be happening.
"Please God no..." I whisper
I take a deep breath then I stand up before limping into the bathroom. I lean against the counter of the bathroom, once I enter the bathroom I feel warm liquid run down my leg. I hesitantly look down at my leg to see blood flowing down my thigh.
"No..no..I can't lose my baby." I whine loudly as I lean against the wall trying to keep myself stable
My shaky hand inches into my pocket then I grab my phone out of it. I cry softly as I hit the contact button then I call Megan.
"Hey babygirl." She immediately answers
"I.." I cry loudly as I slowly take off my sweatpants
"What's wrong? What happened?" She asks frantically
"Blood..so much blood." I say out loud as I look down at the blood in my underwear and on my thigh
"Blood? What what's going on?" She asks me
"Our baby.." I try to form sentences but I begin to sob loudly
"Did you..." She stammers
"Did you uh..have a miscarriage?" She asks sounding hurt by her own words
"I..I think so." I reply
"You have to go to the hospital baby." She says quickly snapping out of pain filled voice
"I..." I hesitate
"You have to go to the hospital, you need to make sure you're okay." She tells me in a serious tone
"Okay.." I reply as I lean over in pain
"I'm coming back home." She tells me
"No. Don't come back, you have to work. It's fine I promise." I respond quickly shutting it down
"Bey.." She was about to say something but I quickly cut her off
"No baby you it's okay. You don't have to come back home. I think I need to be alone anyway." I tell her
"Okay.." she responds
"Goodnight baby." I respond quickly before hanging up without waiting for a response
I rest my phone against my chest and I stare at the blood on the floor. I sit down on the bathroom floor and I continue to sob.
"My baby." I whimper
10:30 pm
I sob loudly as I lay in the hospital bed with a warm blanket over my unclothed body. My doctor told me that I had a miscarriage, and that I lost my baby. I'm still bleeding, my uterus feels like it's on fire, and I have a fever. A soft knock echos throughout the room then my doctor comes inside.
"What caused my miscarriage?" I immediately ask
"Well.." He says as he looks at his papers
"You develop an infection in your uterus, you had what we would call a Septic Miscarriage." He explains to me
"We're gonna prescribe you antibiotics." He adds on
"Okay." I reply
"So since this is so serve you should avoid sexual intercourse, using tampons, swimming, and I know you are a performer but you need to avoid dancing super hard for a while." He tells me
"You still have a fever so we're gonna monitor you for another hour or so." He adds on
"Alright." I respond feeling extremely numb and tired
I can't believe this is happening, how am I even gonna explain this to our kids. This is my fault I should have known before, I should've went to my OBGYN earlier maybe I could've prevented it. If I would've known soon maybe my baby would still be here.
My doctor hands me two extra warm blankets. I turn around and I shove my head into the pillow as I pull the two warm blankets over my body. I feel so cold and nauseous, my body hurts so fucking bad it feels like I just got beat up with a baseball bat then hit with a truck.
I close my eyes trying to shut the whole world out.
8:30 am
"Mommy loves you so much, I miss you guys a lot." I tell Sir as I FaceTime my babies
"I love you mommy! We went to a..what's it called?" He asks megan
"Red carpet baby." She tells him
"Oh yeah that! We went on a red carpet today." He tells me with a wide smile on his face
"You did baby? That's so awesome." I say sweetly
I move a little and I immediately feel a sharp pain in my lower stomach making me groan loudly.
"What's wrong mommy?" Sir asks me as he tilts his head
"Nothing baby mommy is okay." I reply as I force a smile on my face
"I miss you." He pouts
"I miss you more babyboy." I respond to him then I blow him a kiss
"Ru Ru, I'm talking to mommy!" Sir tells Rumi
I hear feet patter against the hardwood floor then Rumi appears into the camera. She rests her head on his shoulder and she smiles at him.
"Hi mommy." Rumi says sweetly as she holds an ice cream cone in her hand
"Can I have some?" Sir asks Rumi
"Ew no! Get your own." She replies as she moves the ice cream cone away from his view
I laugh softly at their interaction.
"How are you going princess?" I ask Rumi
"I'm great mommy! We went on a red carpet today and people called me pretty." She says as she smiles widely
"Well that's because you are pretty babygirl." I tell her
"Thank you mommy, you're pretty too!" She replies as she plays with her hair
"Thank you my sweet girl." I say
"Where Blue?" I ask her
"She's busy talking to her girlfriend." Sir teases
"Girlfriend?" I ask as I raise my eyebrow
"Shut up, Nydia is not my girlfriend that's weird!" I hear Blue exclaim from across the room
Sir laughs loudly as Blue gets into the camera.
"I am not dating Nydia, I don't even like girls." She says quickly
"Okay." I reply blankly
"Seriously, I don't mom!" She exclaims in defense
"I didn't say you did Blue blue." I respond
I know this response all too well. This is the same reaction Zion had when he was scared to come out so I already know how this is gonna go. It's okay if she does end up liking girls and she's still figuring herself out so I understand the defensiveness.
"Okay." She replies
"How are you doing mommy." She tries to change the conversation
"I'm fine how are you baby?" I ask
"I'm okay mommy, Nydia wants me to call her back so I have to go." She tells me
"Wait." I reply quickly
"When y'all get back I have to talk to you guys about something." I tell them
"Okay mommy." Sir and Rumi say in sync
"Alright mom, I love you." Blue tells me
"I love you more." I respond then she gets up and moves away from the camera
"Can you put your mama on the phone?" I ask Sir
"Yes!" He tells her as he walks towards the Megan
He hands Megan the phone. Megan takes the phone from him, she smiles widely once she sees me.
"Hi babygirl." She says softly
"Hi baby." I whisper
Megan gets off the bed then she slowly leaves the bedroom and goes into the kitchen so we can talk privately.
"How are you feeling?" She asks me
As soon as she asks me that I immediately burst into tears.
"I'm emotionally drained. It feels so weird knowing I'm not pregnant anymore, it hurts knowing that our baby is gone. It hurts so bad baby." I cry louder
"I know baby..I know. I just want to hug you babygirl, I can come home whenever you need me to." She tells me
"No..you have to do your job. I can't fuck up your job." I reply quickly as I wipe away my tears that continue to flow
"You're not fucking up anything don't say that." She shuts that down quickly
"Okay." I reply
"Still though..don't leave for me. I'll be fine, I'm just in a lot of pain right now, physically and emotionally." I add on
"It's gonna be okay. Did you tell anyone about it yet?" She asks me
"No, nobody except for you." I respond while sniffling
"You should tell someone. I can't have you at home alone while you're going through this, I'll be on the next flight home just say the word." She replies
"I love you." I tell her
"I love you more babygirl." She says
"I'll tell Solo." I whisper
"Okay baby, you also need to eat something if you haven't yet." She adds on
"I will baby." I reply
"Okay. Bye my beautiful girl." She tells me
"I'll call you later bye my love." I respond then we hang up the phone
One I end the phone I feel my face heat up. I cry loudly as my hands shake aggressively. I grind my teeth together then I throw my phone across the room as my sobs fill the room. I rest my knees against my chest while my chin lays on my knees and I rock back and forth.
My chest feels like it's tightening as I struggle to breathe. I know I'm having a panic attack because I've witnessed Megan have them all the time. I try to take slow deep breaths but it gets worse as I think more about last night. It feels like I'm losing my fucking mind.
"It's okay Bey just breathe.." I talk to myself as I rock back and forth trying to calm myself down
I bite at my bottom lip harshly, blood drips down my lip as I continue to bite down. I honestly don't give a fuck about the blood that I'm drawing right now, I'm just trying to calm myself down.