soundtrack: illicit affairs, this is me trying - taylor swift
MESS IT UP
ACT TWENTY! - ' godforsaken mess '
date - 04 / 02 / 2023
DAISY SWALLOWED HER TEARS, pacing her room. she ran a stressed hand through her blonde hair, feeling strands being tugged out, entangled within her fingertips. she had called gracie over only a few minutes prior, but knowing how punctual she was with her, she was set to arrive any moment.
the minutes stretched into eternity, the air around her beginning to feel stuffy. her wooden floorboards creaked beneath her as she stood, dragging her fingers slowly along the duvet cover her and gracie had picked out for her bedroom together, the duvet cover that had kept them both warm countless nights she had slept over, though they were warmed more so by their bodies pressed flush together.
she begged with her mind to practise what she was going to say, even attempt to rehearse how the conversation would go. her anxiety levels rose, making her throat tingle, suddenly feeling dry. her mind flashed to how hurt gracie would look, and her heart twinged.
she recalled the conversation with matthew for what felt like the hundredth time, replaying it in her mind. his words stung, wrapping around her lungs like barbed wire, threatening to cut off her air supply if she dwelled on them any longer.
she stood from the bed, brushing by her monstera plant, the tips of its leaves browning with the accidental neglect daisy had been giving it the past few days. she cringed, grabbing a bottle of drinking water and emptying it into the plants soil, which absorbed it gratefully. she brushed her fingertips along the cold leaves, her attempts to distract herself from the conversation that was coming being deemed fruitless.
knowing she had to talk to gracie about what matthew had said about her made her stomach lurch, an uncomfortable, distressing tension hanging in the air around her. she brushed a lock of blonde hair over her shoulder, pressing her fingertips deep into the muscle of her shoulder, attempting to ease some of the pain that was beginning to sprout.
she sat at her desk, leaning against the sweater slung carelessly over the back of the comfortable chair. her fingertips absentmindedly tapped on the solid wood of the desk, staring out the window that overlooked downtown los angeles. her mind swirled with memories, the wind whistling in her ears as it slithered through the cracked open glass. she was sure she was going mad, almost being able to make out matthews voice in the wind.
she reached up the shut the window, but faltered. the room felt hot enough already, she could ignore her delusions in order to keep at least one part of the coming conversation comfortable. her head rested on her palm, her mind drifting between scattered memories and the weight of the situation.
she heard the front door open with the signature creak, knowing gracie had no care in knocking anymore after the time they had spent together. she heard her shoes hit the wood floor as she tugged them off. daisy's houses were gracie's houses, both the one in los angeles and the one in new york. they practically lived together when gracie had day breaks from touring, daisy dropping everything to fly to wherever she was if she so much as brought up the prospect of having a freed up schedule.
she listened to her footsteps, her sweet voice calling out her name as she walked towards the closed door of her bedroom.
it felt bittersweet, standing from her chair to face gracie, who stood in her doorway with a bright smile. her smile faltered almost instantaneously at the thick dread in the air, a storm of emotions swirling around her as she looked into daisy's eyes. her stomach dropped, confusion furrowing her eyebrows. "what's going on?" gracie's voice came out a combination of worry and confusion, stepping closer to the girl in front of her.
"i haven't been completely honest with you." it was all daisy said, her eyes downcast as gracie took another step closer. "are you okay?" it was obvious she would only care for daisy's well-being, not her own. she had always been her priority.
"it's about matthew." she sucked in an influx of air at his name, anxiety slithering up gracie's nerves and settling in her stomach. "please, just tell me. i won't judge you for anything." she whispered, taking one more step closer, rendering the girls just inches from eachother.
"he's realized i'm stronger now. he's going to start targeting you." her voice was nearly inaudible. gracie's jaw went slack. "what do you mean?" her eyebrows pinched.
"he's going to out you, for one." the words sliced deep in gracie's heart, her composure faltering. gracie's eyes held a glint of hope that was all, that she and daisy would be able to fight through this. "he's going to harass you. stalk you. ruin your career, your friends lives, your family. he's not going to stop until you can't bear to be near me ever again." daisy's voice shook, her shoulders hunched as the invisible burden weighed on her back. her gaze dropped, unshed tears glistening in her sea-blue eyes. she attempted to shield herself from the vulnerability she was showing by refusing to look gracie in the eyes, knowing she was on the verge of breaking as well.
her voice was subdued, cracking as she tightened her lips into a thin line. gracie opened her mouth, and closed it again before any words escaped. daisy finally look up, their eyes meeting with painful understanding. the air conditioning unit hummed, the muted chatter and cars outside seeming distant, as if they were the only two souls left in the world.
"daisy, i love you." those words crushed daisy like none before, a raw and visceral ache gnawing at her heart. she remembered how her shattered heart fought to muster even a semblance of normalcy when gracie had left her all those months ago.
"i want to be here, with you. no matter what." she whispered, reaching her hand out to cup daisy's cheek, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to her lips. she didn't pull away like gracie thought she would, instead melting into the embrace. her cheeks were damp with weathered, bittersweet tears, her lips tasting like salt. gracie's kiss carries the promise to mend the hurt, to offer a momentary reprieve from the pain.
gracie pulls away first. "please don't let him do this, not to us." her voice wavers, each word a delicate note, laden with the weight of unspoken emotions. her trembling hands still cupping the blondes face, her thumb stroking her cheekbone as daisy bit her lip, her own tears threatening to spill.
she could hear gracie's heart shattering from her sweet voice alone, the watery, cracked sentences nearly inaudible despite being no more than an inch away.
"i'm sorry," it was all she could get out, a sob racking her body, causing her to cover her face with her hand, turning on her heel away from gracie so she wouldn't be able to see her cry.
"no, don't do that." gracie's voice was warm, despite the blondes words ripping a hole deep in her soul. her hand lightly gripped daisy's shoulder, turning her back around so she was facing her. "i've known you forever. you can cry in front of me." she paused briefly. "you still look so beautiful." her voice cracked on the last line, a hitch threatening to reveal the depth of her pain.
"i don't know what to say." daisy attempted to laugh dryly, but it came out sounding more like a choked sob.
"that's okay," gracie stood on her tiptoes to place her lips to the girls forehead. "that's okay." she repeated, her fingertips brushing against the girls tawny skin, frowning.
"we can work through this, right? this isn't the end?" daisy remained silent, gracie's question going unanswered. her stomach began to ache, a wave of nausea rippling up her spine.
"i can't let him ruin you, this is my problem to solve and him roping you in isn't fair." she attempted to explain, trying to avoid the question.
"he's a fucking psychopath! daisy, i am your girlfriend. it is my job to be there for you, that is why i'm here. i'm going to stick with you. i lost you once and god forbid if i let it happen again." her voice caught with the memory of when they ended things the first time, and how broken daisy looked when gracie last laid eyes on her.
she remembers how it felt like the world was spinning a hundred times faster, whilst she stood still. the absence of daisy's laughter, her warm body in her bed at night and her sweet compliments ringing in her ears left a gaping void in her heart. she could only imagine what daisy had gone through.
daisy's bedroom began to feel unbearably hot, beads of sweat threatening to trickle down her flushed forehead, her entire body enveloped with a sickly warmth.
daisy felt herself crumbling. she wasn't sure quite what to say, or quite how to say it. she felt her throat closing up, hot tears streaming down her flushed cheeks.
"i'm so scared, gracie." daisy sniffled, her girlfriend softening, reaching a hand to brush through her hair. "i can't let him hurt you. anybody but you." she emphasized the word anybody, trying to play the hero despite feeling her heart being ripped open.
"i can protect myself, dais." daisy's heart swelled briefly at the nickname. "i want to go through this with you. i want to be by your side. i signed up for this." gracie's voice was laced with what sounded like a desperate plead, quavering but firm.
"i'm not putting you in the position to get hurt, not after how hard you've worked. are you seriously willing to give up everything for me? your safety? your career? your fucking life?" daisy raised her voice slightly, not particularly out of anger, but out of pure disbelief and concern to how persistent gracie was. she was always so stubborn.
"yes. a million times yes. for you i would ruin myself. all i want you to say is that we'll be alright. do you remember you telling me that? that we'll be alright? are you taking that back now?" gracie's voice cracked, trembling as she tried to remain composed, this conversation heading in a dark direction much quicker than she had anticipated.
confusion, hurt, sadness, anger— emotions intertwined in gracie's chest like thorns, making it nearly impossible to even begin to unravel. the task in and of itself was daunting. the sting of betrayal, the ache of disappointment, the echo of unmet expectations. she didn't know what was going on, but she wasn't stupid. she could guess.
daisy felt like an open wound, every word out of gracie's mouth cutting her deeper. she wanted to be tended with love and affection, to be healed, but she knew she couldn't be. not until she figured herself out, at least. she was digging the injury deeper, and inflicting it onto the only person she truly loved.
"no, i'm not taking it back." she paused, gracie sighing with brief relief. "i think we will be okay, eventually. you're my soulmate, gracie. and i'm sorry for this, a billion times over." gracie's eyebrows pinched, confused. "i love you. so, so much. my lovely girl." daisy whispered, her voice shaky. "but i won't let him hurt you." she finally looked gracie in the eyes. her tears linger, suspended in time, capturing fragments of memories, dreams, and desires. they seemed frozen, brimming but not falling.
"so what is this then?" gracie exhaled, holding her breathe as she awaited the answer. there was a bout of silence, both girls being able to feel the pounding of their hearts inside their heads, becoming almost deafening.
"this is goodbye, teddy."
END.
thank you from the bottom of
my heart for all the support i received
whilst writing this fic, it truly means
the world. thank you for bringing
daisy and all her friends to life.
love you all very deeply.
part two coming soon.
till the next time,
quinn