Hello everyone, Author here and after going back and forth for months, so I am typing this up before I change my mind (again). I've decided to open up a bit to you readers. Please note that I am not doing any of this out of self pity or to make anybody reading this feel bad for me. The purpose of this is that I never want any of you to feel like you are alone and that life may be difficult, but it'll work out in the end. I will not go into in-depth details due to protecting some privacy.
Trigger Warnings:
Toxic Relationships/sexual abuse
Toxic Parents
Homophobia
Transphobia
Bullying
Suicidal Thoughts
I will probably just make a list:
- I never had a good relationship with my father. He was a man-whore who cheated on my mother and the mothers of my two half siblings numerous times. He eventually left everything behind and moved out of state. I've cut all ties with him.
-During my last year of junior high, I was bullied daily and none of the school staff or counselors did anything. The acts of my bully would eventually cause me to punch a cement wall almost breaking my knuckles. There wasn't a day that went by where I wouldn't come home without sobbing my eyes out. My depression also increased because of the bullying and issues going on with my father at the time.
- When I was 15 I had gotten into a relationship with a friend of mine. This was because they had stated that if their life didn't get better they'd kill themself and I felt obligated to date them after they confessed their feelings for me. It was a very toxic relationship that lasted roughly five-six months. During that time they'd blow up my phone with messages even when they knew I was busy. They pressured me to perform sexual acts and I didn't feel like it was much of a choice, believing they'd end themself if I didn't oblige. The relationship ended when they were annoyed that I wasn't responding to them, they stated that they weren't getting another attention and called it off. I was finally free.
-When I has informed my family that I wasn't straight there didn't seem to mind, but after informing them that I was nonbinary my mother would argue with me and take away my belongings whenever I used my preferred name over my legal name for something. She had taken away my phone and my car keys. This coming from the woman who said she'd love me not matter what.
- After a massive fight with my mother where she compared me to my father I remember saying something along the lines of "I'd rather die than be like him". It was in that moment that I wanted to kill myself more than anything else and I was sent to the hospital. All of the inpatient rooms for minors (because that's what I was at the time) were full and it was either wait around for a spot to open up or I could go home. After many hours, I decided to go home because I didn't want to be in that hospital any longer.
You are not alone, there are people who suffer the same things, never feel like you have to take on everything yourself. You are worth living and although life can suck sometimes, it does get better, maybe not perfect, but better. It's ok to have down days or bad weeks, it happens to the best of us! Remember you will never be alone and your existence is not a burden. You have the right to be happy. If you think that no one cares about you, you're wrong, because I care. I care that you are reading this, that you're reading my story, that you're living, and that you don't doubt your self-worth. I care about you, because you are just as important as anybody else in the world.
You are an amazing human being!
~🐝