When Monday morning comes, I didn't see Conner in the hallway immediately like I normally do and I was thankful for that. But when I did, he looked very happy to see me and I had to plaster on a fake grin and smile through the gnawing guilt. But I made it through the day and I didn't breathe a word of what happened Saturday night. So when I got up this morning, I did my makeup, put on a cute and warm outfit and scurried off to school in my car. I haven't heard from Seth since I saw him on Sunday and that was two days ago now. I really hope he isn't angry with me, I probably made him feel so incredibly awkward. I'll be he's worried that I'm going to have feelings for him and make it even more awkward. That's why he can't know that I'm still in love with him, I need to do my best to just move on from him and forget about what we did. It doesn't change anything, he will never love me in that sense.
Conner and I walk down the hallway together as we leave our last class of the day. He holds my hand in his until we reach my locker, I open it and put the rest of my books inside of it. He takes my by surprise by pressing his lips up against my own and kissing me, I kiss him back as another wave of guilt hits me.
Our lips part. "I wanna take you out tonight." He says smiling down at me.
I force a smile. "Oh, where to?" I ask.
"We can go to that steak restaurant again. You deserve a good experience there... I didn't know you hated double dates so much." He lightly chuckles.
"They just bore me.." I reply while forcing out a small laugh.
"Well I'll give you a better experience there tonight." He responds pecking my lips again. "I'll pick you up at six thirty."
When I get home, I finish up my science homework and start getting ready for my date with Conner. I put on a long sleeve velvet black dress and a pair of black heels. My hair is curled and I have a minimal amount of makeup on, I smile at my appearance in the mirror when I finish getting dressed but I feel anything but truly happy. This guilt is eating me alive, I feel like such a terrible person for doing this. Here my nice boyfriend is taking me out on a date tonight, and I've cheated on him. I'm awful.
Conner and I sit across from each other at the restaurant, but this time we're at a two seater table towards the middle of the room. After our waitress came by to take our drink orders, she begins Conner and I both two Cokes. Our waitress brings us out our food, I ordered the ribeye with fries again and he got the New York strip with mashed potatoes.
I begin eating my food as does Conner.
"You look really good tonight." He compliments me,
I smile at him.
"Thank you." I reply sheepishly.
Our waitress walks by our table, Conner lifts his glass and shakes it at her. She turns to look at him.
"Uh, are you gonna refill my drink or what?" He asks her.
The petite brunette smiles nervously. "I'm sorry, yes. I'll just go grab the pitcher." She says as she walks away.
I frown softly at this and continue eating.
"How was your day today?" He questions.
"It was fine. I mostly just sat through my classes which were mind numbing." I giggle softly, he smirks.
"Yeah, it was a pretty boring day for me too." He replies. "But I think tonight's going pretty well."
"It is." I say smiling at him.
Our waitress returns with the pitcher of Coke and begins refilling Conner's drink, he doesn't thank her or even look up at her. It really bothers me the way he treats the servers.
"I know it's still a couple months away, but Chandler and I are planning to have a graduation party at his place on the night of. You should come." He tells me.
"Oh, yeah. Sounds like fun." I smile at him.
Conner and I both finish eating now, he sits back in his chair and snaps his fingers as our waitress walks by again. When she doesn't respond or hear him, he whistles at her getting her attention as she turns around.
"Hey!" I says in annoyance. "Can we get a desert menu over here?" His tone is very rude.
She looks a bit taken back as her brown eyes glance between he and I. "Oh, um, yes. I'm sorry." She apologizes.
"It's okay." I reply giving her an apologetic smile. I feel bad, Conner is being rude and she looks around our age.
"No, it sure as hell is not ok. You're a shitty waitress." His icy words make my jaw drop, her eyes widen.
"Conner!" I snap at him. "What is wrong with you?"
I turn to face our waitress again. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." I apologize.
He snorts and laughs. "You know what? You just standing there looking like a dear in headlights isn't helping your case. You've just cut your tip in half."
My mouth is still open as I stare at him in complete shock. How could he just speak to someone so rudely like this? It's just awful.
"I'm sorry." She manages out as her eyes begin to water. "I'll go grab the menu."
She turns away on her heels and hurries on to the back of the restaurant again. I look over at Conner to see a smug expression on his face, I frown deeply.
"What the hell is your problem?" I snap at him, he looks over at me and shrugs.
"What? You're on her side? She's just a waitress." He defensively remarks.
"Conner! She's look like she's our age! She probably goes to school, too. And who cares if she's just a waitress? What's your deal?" I hiss at him.
I know my tone sounds so harsh right now, and I'm not in any position to be a "holier than thou" kind of person given the mistake I made Saturday night, but Conner speaking this way to other people isn't going to fly with me. It's simply not ok. He looks taken back by my tone as he defensively holds his hands up for a second.
"Chill out. There's no need to act like a bitch." He calmly responds before smirking and shaking his head. "I think you need some alcohol to loosen you up."
I clench my jaw and stand up from the table as I made my way out of the restaurant. I can hear him out calling my name, but I keep walking as anger fills me. He didn't act this way before, so what's his damage now? Has he always been so rude, and I just never saw it until now? I continue walking down the dark pavement until I hear a pair of footsteps hurrying behind me.
"Hazel, wait!" I hear him call out.
I stop walking as I turn around to face him, there is a frown on my face.
"What?" I snap at him. He looks taken back for a moment before his expression softens.
"Are you seriously mad right now?" He asks sounding surprised, I give him a look.
"Yes, of course I'm mad! Do you even realize how rude you treat other people? And we haven't even been dating two weeks and you already think you can talk to me the way that you did in there?" When I finish unleashing on him, I fold my arms over my chest and continue to give him a glare.
He sighs. "Okay, you're right. I shouldn't have said you were being a bitch. I'm sorry."
"You're just saying that."
"No, I'm not. I really am sorry..." He apologizes. He sounds sincere.
"And what about the way you talk to other people?" I remind him. He sighs again.
"Maybe that's something I need to work on, I guess." He admits looking down at the sidewalk.
"Conner, I liked you before. But I don't like how you treat servers, you act like they're not people and that's not fair. What if I got a job as a waitress? Would you treat me like that, too?" I say a little more calmer.
"No. I wouldn't treat you that way."
"Exactly. Then why treat them like that?"
He doesn't say anything. Instead he takes my hand and tangles our fingers together before he looks back up at me.
"I'm sorry... Okay?" He apologizes again.
"It's okay." I let out a deep sigh.
"Do you wanna come back to my place for a bit? It's still early." He offers. I don't answer him right away, I'm not sure if I want to go over to his house. He really upset me tonight.
"Sure. We can do that." I tell him. He gives me a small smile as we begin walking back to his car now.
Conner's house is nice, really nice, nicer than I remember it being. It's a large red brick two story house with a big porch that has a swing on the front of it, and a lot of pretty rose bushes out in the front. We get out of the car and begin walking up the large empty driveway, he unlocks the front door and opens it allowing us to get out of the pouring rain. The inside of the house is well lit allowing me to make out a big spacious living room with cream leather couches and a wide flat screen tv. The Siberian husky, Bolt, comes running up to us as he wags his tail happily and jumps on Conner making him chuckles.
"Awww, he's so cute!" I chirp as I scratch his head, Bolt jumps up on me now too.
"He likes you." He says giving me a smile.
Bolt gets down from me as he hurries off into another room. We walk further into the house, allowing me to get a view of the dining room that has a pretty chandelier hanging above the big wooden table. A tall and slender girl comes down the stairs, she looks around our age. Her skin is alabaster and flawless, she has long straight brown hair, and her large eyes are the most brightest blue color I've ever seen, she has full pink lips that are similarly shaped to Conner's. She looks right at me and smiles before turning her attention to him now.
"Hazel, this is my sister Rebecca." He says introducing us. She gives me another friendly smile.
"So you're Hazel." She speaks in an elegant soprano voice. Her eyes flicker over to her brother, she looks at him in annoyance before looking back at me.
"I have no idea why you're with him. You could do so much better."
Her words surprise me, she doesn't look like she's joking in any way, I don't know what to say.
"That's cute, Rebecca." He sarcastically retorts.
She smiles at him. "We'll see how long you can keep this one around." She smoothly replies before making her way into another room of the house.
"Sorry about her." He says turning to look at me. "She has no filter."
"That's okay." I sheepishly respond as I begin following Conner up the stairs now.
When we reach his bedroom, he flicks on the light and shuts the door behind him. I take a seat on the neatly made bed, he goes to a drawer in his dresser before pulling it open. I watch as he pulls out a blunt and a lighter.
"Want some?" He asks.
"Won't your parents be home soon?" I ask nervously.
"Nah, they're working late tonight. My dad's at the office, and my mom is at the hospital." He replies cooly.
I watch as he lights the blunt and take a hit from it before blowing smoke from his mouth. He keeps the blunt positioned in between his lips before coming to sit on the bed beside me.
"So, do you want some of this?" He asks again, a smirk growing on his lips.
"Sure. Why not." I shrug before taking the blunt and taking a hit off of it. I begin coughing again, Conner just chuckles.
"Wow, this really burns your throat." I manage out as I blow the smoke from my mouth.
"It'll go away once you get used to it." He says as I take a few more hits.
After a few minutes the same in a daze warm feeling comes back to my body, I lay back against the bed as Conner switches on the blue LED lights in his room and turns off the big main light. My eyes watch the blue beads light up the wall as they glow perfectly in sync with one another. He grabs the remote from the stereo and puts on some slow R&B music before coming to sit down on the bed beside me. I take another hit from the blunt as I blow the smoke from my mouth, this time I don't cough as much.
My hand passes the blunt back to Conner as he smokes the last of it before putting it in an ashtray that's on the top of his dresser. He comes to sit down on the bed beside me, his blue green eyes scan my face as they flicker down to my lips. This is the way it's supposed to be, right? Seth isn't in love with me, but Conner likes me. He's my boyfriend. He's going to help me to forget about Seth.
He slowly leans in before his lips brush against my own until they fully crash down on top of me. He hovers over me on the bed as his hands begin roaming over my body now. My heart begins to pound nervously as we continue kissing. His tongue glides over my bottom lip before it enters my mouth, everything seems to be moving in slow motion right now. This kiss, the music, even my breathing. My mind traces back to Seth and the way his hands felt touching my body. The feeling of his tongue licking me returns to my mind as Conner continues kissing me. I moan softly as I try to focus on the feeling of his hands roaming over me as I pretend that it's Seth.
I continue moaning as his hand begins gliding over my inner thigh and slowly going up my dress. Seth touched me so gently... It's like his hands knew my body exactly. I moan again as Conner begins touching me over my black lace underwear. His fingers delicately moving in a motion that makes my chest rise and fall quicker. Seth re-enters my mind as his shirtless body comes into my sight, the way he looked on top of me as he touched me that night... It was all so perfect.
Our lips slowly part as our eyes meet and I realize I'm looking at Conner, not Seth. Realization hits me again as where I am and who I'm not with.
"Wanna fuck?" He lowly asks as he continues touching me. My heart pounds wildly.
"Oh, um, I've never done that before." I softly speak.
"Oh yeah... Sorry. I forgot." He says cooly. "We don't have to if you don't want to... I just figured you would want to experience high sex." He smirks.
"I don't think I'm ready yet." I squeak. I really don't.
McKenna told me sex hurts and I'm afraid of what might happen if I do have sex tonight. Seth is flooding my mind right now and I don't want that to be the only thing on my mind if I were to have sex. That would be awful. He nods his head and begins kissing me.
"Then I'll just make you cum this way." He murmurs against my lips.
Guilt fills me again. Seth made me cum... That was my first time ever. It wasn't Conner, it was Seth.
Perhaps I am the definition of a bad person. I quickly try to clear my mind of Seth and focus on the feeling Conner is giving me as I continue moaning softly. His fingers move the fabric of my underwear out of the way as he continues touching me in a way that makes my breathing quicken. He continues kissing me before going at my jawline.
Seth flashes back into my mind again, I suddenly feel a hungry longing for him and this suddenly feels so wrong. I shouldn't be doing this with Conner... For some reason I want it to be Seth who's touching me like this. But isn't that wrong? Shouldn't I want it the other way around? The room seems to be spinning as I try to catch my breath.
"Conner." I mumble softly, he slowly stops touching my all together before down at me.
"What is it?" He asks carefully.
"I'm sorry... I think I need to go home." I softly speak as I sit up slowly.
"Oh. Is everything okay? Did I do something?" He asks worriedly.
"No, no, you didn't do anything. I'm sorry... Everything is just spinning right now." I tell him truthfully.
"Shit, did you get too high?" He puzzles, I nod my head.
"I think so. I'll be okay, I just need to go home and sleep." I tell him sheepishly.
He places another kiss on my lips before helping me up from the bed.
"Alright, I'll take you home." He responds as he places an arm around me.
When we reach the bottom of the stairs, Rebecca sees us and smirks.
"Did he scare you off already?" She grins, her eyes are filled with mischievousness.
"Just ignore her." Conner mumbles as we walk past her and out of the front door.
The rain has stopped thankfully as he leads me back to his car, everything still seems to be moving in slow motion for me right now. The drive back to my house is filled with minor small talk, we discuss things like school tomorrow, or how hard it was raining when we first got to his house. Conner parks out front, the porch light is on for me and both of my parents cars are still in the driveway. When I unbuckle my seatbelt, he turns to face me causing me to look over at him.
He gives me an apologetic expression before placing a kiss on my cheek. "Feel better, okay?" Conner says sweetly.
"Thank you. I'll be okay. Have a good night." I respond softly. My lips curve upward as I get out of his car shutting the door behind me.
When I make my way into the house, I close the front door and let out a big breath. Apollo hurries over to greet me, I begin scratching at his soft head.
"Hey, sweetie. How was your night?" My mom asks as she comes out of the living room.
"It was good. How was yours?" I ask her.
"I just finished cleaning up the kitchen, I'm ready for bed." She responds giving me a small. It falters as she looks closer at my face and frowns.
"Are you feeling okay? Your eyes are pretty red." She puzzles, my heart jolts.
"Yeah, I just have really bad allergies right now so I've been itching them all night." I lie.
"Oh. Well go take a Benadryl, that should help." She tells me, I smile convincingly.
"Will do. I'm gonna head to bed." I reply trying to seem casual about all of this. I'm not going to take Benadryl, smoking has already made me tired. She gives me a small hug, I return the gesture.
"Okay, sleep tight. I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Oh, before I forget, grandma wants to know if you want to come over after school tomorrow." She pauses but before I can ask which grandma she says, "My mom."
"Oh, okay. Sure, I'll do that. I haven't seen her in a few weeks anyway." I softly smile.
When I make it to my bedroom and close the dood, I'm thankful my dad wasn't in there to question me. Maybe he's already asleep... I'm thankful if he is. I take off my clothes and change into some comfortable pajamas before going into the hall bathroom to wash off my makeup and brush my teeth. Once I'm back in my room, I grab my phone and crawl under the duvet. I wonder what Seth is doing right now... Maybe I should call him?
My fingers click on his contact with the pads of my fingers as I press the phone to my ear. It rings a few times before he picks up.
"Hello?" His warm and gentle voice fills my ears making me smile. I suddenly feel giddy inside.
"Hey, Seth." I softly speak. "Is this a bad time?"
"No, you're good." He replies. "I just got done working out."
He's probably shirtless and sweaty right now... My mind pictures Seth without a shirt as beads of water from a shower head trickle down his abs. I gulp.
"Oh. How was it?" I puzzle.
"I'm pretty beat." He chuckles. "What are you doing?"
"I'm laying in bed... I wanted to call you since we haven't talked in a few days." It feel so weird not talking to him.
"Oh. Well I'm glad you called." I smile at his words. "How was your day today?" He asks.
"It was long... And weird, but I feel better now. How was your day?" I question still smiling.
"I really just worked, came home, and then went to the gym." He chuckles softly. The sound is like music to my ears.
"Are you tired?" I puzzle. I don't want to get off the phone with him yet.
"A little. But we can keep talking, I don't mind." His words make me smile again.
"What did you do today?" He asks, I gulp.
"Conner and I went on a date, it went... Okay. We went back this his house, but I wasn't feeling good so he took me home." I reply softly.
I don't want to tell him about how Conner treats servers, that would make Seth dislike him and I want for them to get along.
"Oh... Why did it just go 'ok'?" He questions curiously.
I hesitate for a moment. "We got into a little argument, but it's fine." I assure him.
He doesn't say anything for a couple of seconds.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He offers sweetly.
"It's okay, we ended up making up. Thank you though."
"No problem." He pauses. "Do you have any plans after school tomorrow?"
"I'm gonna go see my grandma for a bit, apparently she asked to see me." I tell him, I feel slightly bad. I'm sure he was going to see if we could hang out.
"Oh, which one?" He doesn't sound upset.
"My moms mom." I tell him. "But, we can hang out the day after if that works?"
"Ohh... Yeah, that's not gonna work. I have plans." He replies. Disappointment fills me. "I'm hanging out with you." He teases, I grin happily.
A small giggle leaves my lips. "Good, because I was about to get sad." I confess.
"Miss me that bad?" My heart jumps at his words as a field of butterflies begin to flutter in my stomach.
"As a matter of fact, yes I do." I proudly admit. He chuckles softly.
"I'm hard not to miss."
"Okay, cocky."
He chuckles again. "Get some rest, trouble. I'll come pick you up on Thursday."
"Sounds good. Good night Seth... Love you." I softly speak. I mean it.
"I love you, too. Have a good night." His voice sounds so silky. I could listen to him talk all night.
Our phone call ends and I set my phone back on the nightstand and leave it to charge. I turn over to lay on my left shoulder so I'm facing the outside of the bed. My mind begins to wander back to Seth and what he has planned for us on Wednesday... But before I can go into deeper thought about it I'm already sound asleep.
Weekdays usually aren't my favorite days as I can imagine just about everyone else feels that same way about them, too if you're in school or working. I much prefer the weekend where I can stay out later. But school flies by in a breeze allowing me to hang out with Conner, McKenna, and Chandler at the lunch table and recover from my sickness incident with Conner that took place at his house Monday night. He seemed really chill about the whole thing which made me feel a little better. I still feel bad for having Seth jump into my mind so many times that night, I really need to try harder not to think about him in that way. I need to remind myself that I like Conner, he's a good boyfriend.
When I get out of school, I say my goodbyes to him in the parking lot after we hug and he pulls me in for a small peck on the lips. I walk back to my car putting my purse in the passenger side and begin driving over to my grandmas house.
As I park my car at the front of her house, I grab my purse and get out. I walk up to the front door and give it two sturdy knocks, she answers after a few seconds. When the front door opens, she grins happily and pulls me in for a loving hug.
"Come in, sweetie! I just made a batch of fresh hot chocolate chip cookies." She says cheerfully as I enter the house. Her house always smells good, whether it be something that she is baking or a really good scented candle.
The front door closes behind me and I follow her into the kitchen where the delicious smell is coming from. She grabs a plate from up in the cabinet and puts three cookies on it for me.
"Do you want some milk? I've got cashew milk or just regular cows milk." She offers.
"Cashew milk sounds good. Thanks, grandma." I smile at her.
She happily grabs a glass filling it before handing it over to me. I dunk one of the hot cookies and take a bite, it's delicious.
"So, tell me how you've been. How's school?" She asks as she grabs a cookie taking a bite from it.
"I'm doing pretty good. School is fine, I'm just excited I'll be graduating soon." I tell her. She nods.
"We need to throw you a party of some sort." She says taking another bite of her cookie. "What kind of cake do you like?"
"You know I love German chocolate." I say grinning at her.
"Then I'll make that for you." She happily responds.
"You're really sweet to do that."
"Well I love you, kiddo." She winks.
"I love you, too." I reply taking another bite of my second cookie.
Sadie suddenly jumps up onto the counter and meows happily as she begin rubbing up against me.
"Oh, Sadie... You know you're not supposed to be on the counter." My grandma sighs to her soft Siamese cat. Sadie continues meowing at me until I start petting her, I giggle.
"She's so cute, grandma. How long have you had her now?" I ask curiously.
"Geez, a while. I think I got her when you were about eight or nine... She's been here a while." She tells me.
"I wonder what she would do if she met Apollo... He's never seen a cat before." I tell her.
"Well they'd either love each other or hate each other." She lightly laughs. Her eyes flicker over to my plate. "Do you want more cookies? Are you hungry? You're too thin. Are they not feeding you over there?"
I giggle. "I am a little hungry." I confess.
She goes to open the fridge. "I just made lasagne last night. Do you want me to heat some of that up for you?" She offers.
"Sure, that sounds really good."
She grabs a bowl and fills it with the lasagne before popping it in the microwave. After it's finished heating up, she hands the bowl back to me with a fork and a napkin as we go to sit at the dining room table. I sit down and begin to eat.
"This is amazing!" I compliment, she grins.
"Thank you, honey. I made it from scratch." She responds smiling.
"You did? Wow... Well you did a good job." I tell her as I continue eating the delicious food.
Her eyes scan my face before she hesitates to speak for a moment. "How has everything really been?" She questions.
"Oh, um, it's been fine..." I tell her, she doesn't look like she believes me.
Aside from the fact that I'm in love with my best friend and the fact that Seth and I got drunk and he went down on me and now that's all I can seem to think about. Oh, and I have a boyfriend who I feel terrible about hurting.
"Your mom called and told me about what happened with Seth last month. I've been worried about you. Are you doing okay?" She questions gently, her brown eyes are tender. I give her a small smile.
"It was really hard at first, but it's gotten easier. I have a boyfriend now." Her eyes widen as I say this.
"A boyfriend? Your momma didn't tell me that. What's his name? How long have you been together?" She asks.
"His name is Conner, and he's really sweet." —For the most part when he's not being a jerk to servers. I begin again. "We've been dating for about two weeks now."
"Well that's lovely. Have your parents met him yet?" She asks curiously.
"Yes, they have. They seem to like him." I reply taking another bite of my food.
"And Seth and I are friends again, we ended up bumping into each other at the grocery store after everything." I smile happily at the fact.
"Well I'm glad the two of you could be friends again. You know I'll always be on your side, no matter what. Any guy would be very lucky to have you." She sweetly tells me.
"Thank you, grandma." I smile up at her as I finish off the last of my lasagne.
"You're welcome, sweetie."
She takes my empty bowl and takes it to the kitchen, I follow after her. She takes the bowl and set it in the sink before turning around to face me now. I grab my cashew milk and take a sip from the glass.
"Does Seth know that you're still in love with him?" I begin choking on my drink, I cough a couple of time.
"What?"
"Oh come on, sugar. Your face lit up like a Christmas tree when you spoke about him." She tells me, a small smile forming on her lips. "Relax, I'm not going to say anything to anyone."
"No, he doesn't know. But that's why I have Conner, he's going to help me forget about Seth." I tell her.
I feel sad hearing myself say the words forget about Seth.' It isn't something that I want to do, but it's what I have to do. He doesn't love me the way that I love him, I need to accept it.
"Well, I won't say anything to anyone. I just want what's best for you... And if this Conner guy really is sweet and treats you right then I hope you really are able to let go of Seth one day and be truly happy." She responds, her eyes are gentle and loving.
I give her a small smile and take another sip of my drink. That's what I want, to be truly happy. But it feels like Seth is my 'truly happy'. He's who I am happiest with, but the cold reality that he doesn't love me back still hurts. I'll just have to learn how to truly forget about him, even if it does take time. But nevertheless my heart yearns for him the way water rids you of thirst, or the way your lungs crave air. Seth is my water, and my air. It only hurts that I can't be that for him... Not the way I want to be. I'm just going to have to try not to look at him in the way that I have anymore. It's for the best.