It didn't take much longer for us to all lose track of time, totally intoxicated by the alcohol, struggling to function. Kris was the last to fall under the influence, having taken it much slower than us. He'd been the best at the drinking game, hence, he hadn't done as many shots.
'Jan, where the fuck are my cigs?' Bojan asked, making his way towards us and pointing his finger accusingly.
'I don't fucking know.' He threw his hands up in total cluelessness. I giggled loudly.
'Don't tell me you've been letting her steal them all.' Bojan looked to me now, and I mocked surrender.
'Do I look like I smoke to you?' I punched him gently in the stomach and started laughing again.
He walked away a few seconds later, lagging behind real time by a few moments.
'Someone should pass me another beer.' I muttered, changing my position to rest my head on Jan's legs.
'Someone shouldn't.' he slurred. 'You're gone enough already.' I frowned.
'I've drank jack shit.'
'Metulj, you're not even looking at me.'
'You're drunk too.' I fought. 'Fine, I'll get my own then.'
As I sat up, stars clouded my vision, different shapes and colours filling my eyes with burning sensations. 'Fuck.'
'Lilia, lie back down.' Jan hurried to my side, grasping my waist tightly to hold me up. His touch produced ripples of pleasure which vibrated along my hip.
'No, hold me like this.' I turned my head towards him, suddenly seeing clear. I felt my expression melt at the sight of him, my forehead loosening, my eyes unsure of where to look. They fleeted from his hair, to his lips, to where his hand pressed against me. I took the opportunity to move my hand from where it clutched the sofa to wrap around the back of his neck for extra support. My legs began to quiver, a secondary effect from the lack of iron, and I just knew Jan would try to hurry me off to bed if he noticed. I rested the side of my face into his collarbone, where his body heat warmed me gently, as a distraction. Okay, fine, that was an excuse - I did just want to be closer to Jan.
'Do you want me to hurt myself getting another can, or do you want to pass me one?' I whispered up into his ear, attempting to be seductive but just sounding like a hot, drunk mess.
'Neither. Don't try to move, you're vulnerable.' I felt his grip on me intensify as he slowly started to soothe and stroke the dip where my waist caved in, his touch igniting my desires and almost making me forget my goal.
'Or what?' I challenged. I gave up on trying to sound sexy, it clearly wasn't working. Maybe a more flirty approach would distract him for long enough for me to bolt for a beer? Worth a shot. My eyes were half on the prize, half unfocused, mainly due to the alcohol, but also partly due to how uneasy Jan made me feel with a single second of contact.
'Wouldn't you love to find out, lokvanj.' He made eye contact with me, looking deep into my pupils. I batted my eyelashes gently, giving him my biggest puppy stare. Sure, it felt stupid, but if it got me a can then I did not care one bit.
'Maybe I do.' I trailed my fingers around his shirt, in an attempt to distract him from rubbing his hand against my waist, just enough that he would loosen his grip and I would be able to make a break for it. Within a few seconds, my intense gaze had gotten too much for him, and he began to fluster. He broke our contact, hands dropping to the sofa, as his irises fleeted between my lips and body.
Now.
I scrambled out of the chair, bounding towards the table like a mad dog, laying my hands on the lukewarm can that was closest to me.
'Fuck.' Jan slapped his knee in annoyance, knowing how well I had outsmarted him. In a total victorious fashion, I turned back to him looking beyond smug, raising the can into the air like a trophy. It was better than a trophy.
He moved quickly, but I moved quicker, setting my sights on the door between the living room and the balcony, which I reached pretty quickly. A sudden inrush of cool air blessed my face as I headed towards the railings.
Bojan was sat with a cigarette in hand on the brick windowsil. He looked almost melancholic, yet still strangely photogenic - something that seemed very typical for him. Not noticing my presence, he took a drag and exhaled heavily into the chilled, midnight air, doing so slowly enough for me to notice that he was acting strangely. I suddenly tensed up, and was unsure as to whether I would prefer it if I could just stand here alone for a few moments, so that he wouldn't have to hide his feelings due to my presence. Deciding to stay unknown, I remained where I was, looking across the bars restricting my fall and over to the next building, where all of the lights were out. I was fairly certain that if I closed my eyes out here long enough, with continual bursts of wind to keep me decompressed, that I would surely fall asleep.
'Lilia.'
I was unsure of how long I had been stood there for, just observing my surroundings and falling deep into pointless thoughts. It was normal for me to lose track of time when I was drunk, but I couldn't even briefly remember when I had stepped outside in the first place. Once I was made aware of where I was, I looked towards the noise, where Bojan was still sat, his cigarette in one hand, and using the other to gesture towards me.
'Come, sit.' He patted the area next to him, which was big enough for me to sit comfortably and leave a large enough gap for us to not be viewed as suspicious if anyone joined our conversation.
'Are you okay?' I asked, feeling the stress radiating off him like hot steam. I could practically breathe it in; or maybe that was the smoke from the cigarette. I was unsure.
'Yes.' he answered tightly, not giving away any details. I wasn't about to let him change the subject; I was certainly not in the mood for another chat like I had to have with Kris last night.
'Don't lie, I'm not that thick.' I elbowed him gently, but he didn't move. Immediately feeling guilty, I pulled myself back into my lap, clutching and pulling anxiously at the skin lining my forearms.
'You don't need to worry about me.' he shut me down gruffly, turning slightly to the side in an attempt to shut me out.
'Sure, we only just met, but I value you. The way you dealt with that situation before was totally unexpected, and undeserved. You didn't have to do that for me, but you did.'
'Lilia, I don't need your sympathy.'
'I'll just sit and listen.' I insisted, wanting to reach out to him but sensing that it wasn't my place to do so. After that, he began to unravel at a pace which gradually picked up as he spoke, now not seeming to care about what he told me.
'Everything's such a chore. You saw what happened today,' he recounted, and I thought about the absolute backlash he faced from Gregor when he tried to reason with Ocean. 'I always have to be the peacemaker. If something goes wrong, it's Bojan's fault. Gregor doesn't help.' he carried on, taking a pause to think about how best to word his thoughts. 'Cvjeticánin did it again! Cvjeticánin is tired and can't do everything all of the time.' he let out a deep breath, his voice raising in volume slightly, barely enough for me to register.
'I'm grateful to you and Jan. Today I needed a break. You let me have that break.' he smiled slightly, an expression that quickly cracked as he continued to talk. Although he was drunk, the intent behind his monologue was strong; the way his voice broke between words, the genuineness with which he thanked me. 'But I am seriously tired of all of the problems. This band is like family, but no family comes without arguments.' he finished, holding the cigarette up to his lips and inhaling again massively.
'I'm sorry.'
'What are you sorry for? I'm happy you showed up. Happy to have the spotlight away for a while. I love 99% of my time with the group, but you have to understand just how tiring it is to keep everything running.'
If metaphorical bruises were visible, I would be able to observe hundreds running lines around Bojan's body, a deep blue on his forehead specifically where his mind was troubled. A wistful look rendered in his eyes, one wishing for a return of simplicity into his life. It would be a lie to say I didn't feel bad for him.
'I don't want to say I fully understand, because I've never been in that situation, but I understand how draining it can be to have to deal with total bullshit every day.' I carried on slowly, trying not to interject my own experiences into our chat. 'You shouldn't have to.'
But if not me, who else?' he questioned. Although it was rhetorical, I still searched my mind for an answer. None came. 'At least it's all over now. Everything should be smooth from here.'
We sat in silence for a few moments, soaking up each other's words. Although it was quiet, it wasn't at all awkward.