"Jule." Little Sam whispered as he shook me awake. "Hm?" I asked and cracked my eyes open.
"I had a nightmare again." He said quietly, causing me to frown and unwrap my arms from Juniper so I could sit up.
"Balcony." I whispered and pointed towards the doors.
We carefully got out of bed and made our way to the balcony so we wouldn't wake up the other kids.
"Wanna talk about it?" I asked and sat down, yawning. "I just miss Colby." He said as I nodded.
"I know, I'm sorry." I said quietly then opened my arms to give him a hug.
"I hate seeing you so sad." He said and hugged me tightly. "I deserve it, Sam. I deserve the sadness. You don't." I said with a sigh.
"Why would you say that?" He asked and pulled away to look at me.
"I just do." I said then reached over and smoothed his hair back.
"Did you wanna talk about your nightmare?" I asked as he shook his head. "Not really." He said as I sighed.
"You can talk about anything with me, even if it might make me sad." I said as he nodded.
"Yeah, I know." Sam said as Carter opened the door. "Are you guys okay?" He asked as I nodded. "Did we wake you?" I asked and stood up.
"Kinda. Having five people sleeping in the same bed kinda sucks." He said as I nodded.
"I know...you guys can go back to bed. I think I'm gonna go downstairs for a little bit." I said causing them to both look at me with concern.
"I'll be okay." I said then led the way back inside. I did this so they wouldn't argue with me, since Jenna and Juniper were still asleep.
Once we were inside I turned around and gave each of them a long tight hug.
Since Colby died, I've been so worried about making sure I showed how much I loved and cared for my family.
I didn't want this decision to put any strain on out relationship since it wasn't their fault for the choice I made.
I didn't want to resent them.
"Goodnight." I whispered then kissed each their heads before I left the room to go downstairs. I knew I needed to set up for Thanksgiving today but I knew Devyn and Jenna would want to help with that.
Although it was going to hurt, I knew I needed to go through the pictures and memories for Colby's funeral tomorrow.
When I got downstairs I went to sit on the couch, and pulled my phone out.
I could already feel my heart aching as I pulled up the photo app on my phone.
A tear slipped down my cheek, looking at a picture we took only a couple months ago. It was the last picture we ever took together.
We were laying on the very couch I was sitting on, Colby's arm was slung around me while I leaned back against his chest.
I remembered the memory so fondly. We were just watching a movie when Jenna came down.
She was usually quick to tell us we were gross for showing affection, but this day she wanted to take a picture of us.
It's almost like she knew it would be one of our last memories together.
My heart ached as I went through the photos, putting the ones I wanted into a folder to send to Devyn.
I have been procrastinating this because it made it too real. I didn't want to really say goodbye.
I sat up for the rest of the night before there was a knock on the door. I scrunched my brow then got up to go answer it.
Part of me was terrified since we weren't expecting anyone, but at this point I didn't care. The worst thing that could happen was someone killing me and that wouldn't be bad.
It would ideally be better than the pain I was in right now.
I sighed then opened the door, revealing Stas and Tara.
"Julia!" Stas said with a wide smile. "What are you guys doing here?" I asked as Tara attacked me with a hug. "You really thought we would miss out on Thanksgiving?" Tara asked as I shrugged.
"I guess I didn't think of it." I said and gave Stas a hug. "We also brought your stuff." She said and held up the bag I left at their house. I noticed they also had Colby's bag with them but I didn't want to say anything.
I didn't want to look at that stuff at this point anyways.
"Welcome to my home." I said quietly as Jake ran down the stairs. "TARA!" Jake yelled and ran to her, giving her a huge hug.
I felt my heart seize slightly, looking at the affection they were sharing with each other.
It wasn't fair to them to stop them from showing affection towards each other.
"Uhh...so all the rooms are kinda taken but we can get you settled in the living room for now." I said to Stas as she smiled.
"Anywhere is fine, Jules. I'm not worried." She said then handed me my bag.
"I can take that one, too." I said and pointed to Colby's. "Oh. Are you sure?" She asked as I nodded. "Yeah. I'll just bring it upstairs." I said and took it from her. "I'll be back." I said then went upstairs.
It was pretty late in the morning by this point so I was surprised none of the kids were up yet.
When I walked into the bedroom they were actually all awake and sitting on the bed, talking. "Hey guys.." I said awkwardly causing them to look up.
"Hey, Jule." Carter said as Juniper got off the bed and came to hug me.
"Hi, love. Are you guys okay?" I asked as they all nodded. "Yeah, just talking. Are we gonna start cooking soon?" Sam asked as I nodded.
"Yeah. We have to figure out how to make a turkey." I said then took Juniper's hand.
When we got downstairs, everyone was hanging around the living room and kitchen. "Morning, guys." I said as Juniper squeezed my hand.
"What's up?" I asked and looked down at her. "We need to make the turkey." She said as I chuckled.
"Yeah, you're right." I said then led her to the kitchen. I watched as the other kids settled into the group of adults around them.
I was so glad that we were surrounded by such an amazing support system.
It was the kids' first real Thanksgiving surrounded by love.
It was far from perfect because Colby wasn't here, but we were going to make it the best we possibly could.
"Sissy, how do we do it?" Juniper asked as I lifted her onto the counter. "Well...we gotta gut it so..maybe go hang out with Jenna for a minute." I said as she shook her head. "I wanna see." She said as I nodded.
"Alrighty then." I said as Devyn grabbed the turkey. I thought it was funny how focused Juniper was on me gutting the turkey.
She didn't really speak or many any faces, she was just staring at the turkey with intensity.
"You're making me nervous." I said to Juniper as she giggled. "I think you look funny with your hand up a turkey's butt." She said as I nodded. "There it is." I said then finished cleaning out the turkey.
Once that was done we seasoned it and followed the instructions to cook it properly.
It was fun watching Juniper get involved in the process of cooking because she was so young and has never gotten to experience anything like this.
"Hey, Juniper. Do you wanna help us set up the decorations?" Stas asked as Juniper looked at me. "Are you gonna help?" She asked as I sighed and brushed her hair back. "I'm gonna keep cooking. You can help them though." I said as she smiled.
"Okay!" She said then hopped off of the counter and went to join the others. "Are you doing okay?" Jenna asked as I turned to keep cooking.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I said quietly, even though my heart was screaming from how much pain I was in.
"Do you need some help?" She asked as I nodded and turned around to give her a hug. "Woah." She said then hugged me back reluctantly. Jenna and I had a rough relationship which was bound to happen.
She was a teenage girl who was bound to be shitty from time to time but we did love each other so much.
"How's your arm?" I asked after a couple minutes of hugging. "It's fine. It hurts a lot less than before." She said with a laugh.
"Can't believe I got shot though." She said and brought her hand to the wound on her arm.
"Twins." I said and pointed to mine. "Woah, you got shot?" She asked as I nodded. "Too many times to count." I mumbled then started working on dinner.
I was actually grateful that I could talk more about my past with the kids.
Sure, it sucked that they knew about the crime world but it was easier living without the secret of it.
I was worried about the danger it would bring us.
We spent the rest of the day cooking and getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner. There was still a sadness in the air, but it felt like we were slowly healing.
Obviously it was a long road but I was glad that we were able to push the grieving aside for a little while.
When we all sat down to eat, I looked around the room at this group of people who didn't have to be here.
I expected them to all hate me for what I did but they didn't. They were here for me and my family in the hardest time and I was forever grateful.
"Thanks for being here guys..." I said quietly, causing everyone to look.
"I know we're trying to enjoy the holiday but I just wanted to say how grateful I am for you being here." I said and pushed the food on my plate around.
"I wish that things were different and that Colby could be here. I know he would be grateful for all of you, too." I said as Sam put his hand on my back, rubbing it gently.
"We love you." Little Sam said as a tear trickled down my cheek.
"Love you guys." I said then put my hand on my belly.
"I don't know how long you guys plan on staying but I would love for you to meet Colby and I's baby." I said causing Jenna, little Sam, and Carter to look at me with wide eyes.
"You're pregnant?!" Jenna asked as I nodded. "Yeah." I said quietly as Devyn stood up and ran to give me a hug. "Congratulations!" She squealed as I nodded.
I wanted to think I would feel even an ounce of joy sharing this news but it just felt weird. It felt weird knowing that everyone in this room knew about the baby but Colby didn't.
I was having an internal battle, trying to cope with the fact that he would never know.
I guess telling other people was a good step towards healing though.
It didn't matter how many steps forward I took though, considering tomorrow would be the hardest day of my life.