What is love?
The question rings in Felix's mind as he nuzzles in Hyunjin's chest and lets his thoughts think random stuff that made absolutely no sense. The skies outside grew cold and waves of autumn were already appearing in wisps of rustling leaves that have begun fading in color, September had struck and time was fleeting like a criminal. Yet somehow Felix's mind was stuck on a certain emotion 'Hyunjin claims he loves me...I believe I do too, but what is love?' the boy wonders and searches in the little treasure of memories he's hidden in the back of his mind, yet the poor thing was met with nothing, his mind returning empty-handed as he sighed over the fact that he had barely any relevance with love
How would he know what love is if he's never felt it his entire life?
He goes way back to when he was a child, still with his parents, trying to remember his past so maybe he could understand what he felt back then but nothing came, all he could reminisce was ache and misery so he immediately shut that chapter of his life out, not wanting to open a coffin that hasn't been sealed shut yet. The boy races his mind once again and shifts closer to Hyunjin, letting him hold him tighter and warmer, his face buried deep in Felix's hair as he placed kisses on top of his head occasionally and made his heart flutter in delight, was this love? If so, how could Felix be sure?
In the laps he took around his mind he was reminded of an old friend, Jisung. And he thought back to the time they shared, reminiscing how it made him feel; rapture, glee, zeal, and comfort. Yet, it wasn't the way Hyunjin makes him feel and it wasn't potent enough for Felix to declare its love, he loved him of course but not the way he did with Hyunjin and it made him wonder, he's never loved anyone or anything the way he's loved Hyunjin
Was this truly love?
Felix's mind turns back to these afternoons he'd spend in his bed and watch silly romance movies and wait for Hyunjin to come home, now that he didn't have to work or do anything he had all the time in the world to waste on things he never really got to experience as he had to raise himself. And he thinks of how the male lead in those romance movies will always declare their love dramatically, was that love? Or the way he'll lend the female lead his jacket whenever she'd get cold, or when he'll sing her songs, open car doors, and how they seem to fall in love over a single night of silly banters and junk food, but Hyunjin's done all of that as well, Felix has shared all of these clichés with the aforementioned too
So, Was that love?
Felix looks up from Hyunjin's chest and finds his eyes on him as he does so, the raven head smiles gently and raises his hand to caress Felix's cheek "Hi" he whispers in a sweet tone and Felix swore he knew right there and then, he knew in that exact moment what love is---this, this is love, the way Hyunjin smiles at him and how he grazes his cheeks, how his eyes are glazed with a mist of affection and how warm his embrace feels, this was love; whatever he had with Hyunjin, it was love. A love so fiery and passionate it burns, a love that glows in the dark, a love that glimmers, a love that's there when all else fails, a love that is ever so true and real
A love that is theirs
Felix smiles back and finds all of his previous thoughts vanishing like the ache in his bones and the agony in his heart had vanished ever since Hyunjin came into his life. Now, all he was graced with was the raven head's gorgeous and slight smile and it was enough, enough for him to know that this love they had was far greater than any romance movie or novel, far greater than for a friend or a spouse, and he accepted the epiphany with wide arms and a bright smile
"Hi"
He replies in a hushed tone, matching Hyunjin's who chuckled vaguely. Felix's eyes glided across every inch of Hyunjin's face and he took notice of all the details he might have failed to take notice of before, even the slightest of details. the raven head watched Felix watch him like he was a sculpture at some exquisite museum and Felix was an art enthusiast, those who scrape dirt and believe it lived a life of emotion and existence. seconds passed but Felix didn't stop his invasion of the beauty on Hyunjin's face and the taller finally spoke up
"what are you looking at?"
his voice lilted with benign and Felix smiled at it, answering with affection "Handsomeness" His reply wasn't something Hyunjin was expecting and it made blood rush toward his cheeks and paint him scarlet as he coughed and chuckled, spanning his eyes away from Felix's loving gaze and clearing his throat before he looked back at Felix, Hyunjin was usually very bold then why was he acting so shy now? "You're beautiful, Hyunjin. so very beautiful" Felix's hand had found home against Hyunjin's cheek as he rested his palm there and grazed his skin admirably
"I--why are you suddenly behaving like this?" Hyunjin sighed deeply unsure of what could've caused this behaviour in the other, he wasn't sure why but he felt a little too flustered for his liking, he's been complimented countless times by countless people, he never felt so shy before then why did it feel so intimate coming from Felix? Why did it feel like his cheeks will burn to ash and his heart will race off into oblivion each time Felix will compliment him even when he's done it so many times, Hyunjin remains wondering while Felix parted from his chest and sat straight in front of him, holding his face with both hands and pulling him close
"Hyunjin-ah, I too am very grateful for you" he whispered, voice wavering like he was holding back storms of winds, referring to Hyunjin's words earlier "I know, my baby, I know" the aforementioned smiles at the confession as Felix closes the gap between their faces catching Hyunjin by surprise
the elder's heart began to beat like a damned drum, cursed to beat incessantly. it was chaste and faint but the kiss held more power than Felix's words could ever as he parted from Hyunjin's face and pecked his nose only reddening his face worse. Felix often felt upset at the way he could never speak his heart with Hyunjin, how he could never tell Hyunjin just how much he meant to him but now he concluded that he didn't need to be great with words like the talking machine Hyunjin, he could allow his actions to tell Hyunjin just how much he loved him if he didn't wield the power in him to do so
their smiles copied one another and they remained silent in each other's grip, taking in all the warmth the other person has to offer while they dwelled in the happenstance of serenity. Felix sighed and leaned back into lay against Hyunjin's shoulder who held him in his arms not willing to let go ever "Feel okay now?" Hyunjin questions in a voice that's hushed "Yes...I'm sorry I overreact so much" Felix apologises for what isn't his fault and Hyunjin sighs "you weren't over reacting, lix. it was completely valid" Hyunjin wishes his words are enough of a reassurance and he's proven right when Felix looks up and smiles gently at him, letting him know that his words were in fact enough of a reassurance
"I feel like dancing"
After a long moment of sitting in silence, the brunette suddenly announced with a giggle erupting from his mouth, nuzzling his nose deeper into the crook of Hyunjin's neck "You do?" the freckled male nodded and Hyunjin smiled at his actions "Then we should dance" Upon Hyunjin's statement Felix parted himself from him and chuckled softly "what? No, I was jus-" The brunette wasn't given enough time to finish his sentence as Hyunjin was already up from the ground and holding his hands, pulling him up as well in the blink of an eye
"Hyunjin you take me too seriously" Felix complained with a short whine as he tried to break free from the raven head's grip around his waist who only chuckled and reached for his mobile phone in his pocket "If you feel like dancing then we should dance, don't you think so?" he questioned with a grin on his face, cocking a brow while his eyes remained fixated on the mobile phone screen which he held behind Felix's back "No I don't think so--you should wash up, I'll heat up food" pressing his palms flat against Hyunjin's chest Felix strives to pull away one last time but fails again
"Oh no, the music's already playing there's no turning back now" Hyunjin dramatically tosses his mobile phone on the couch while a soft melody plays, his hands running to grab Felix again as he smiled widely upon the boy's glare. Alas, he gives and wraps his arms around Hyunjin's neck while he holds him by his waist smiling mischievously making Felix scoff "what are you? superman? how come you're never tired?" the brunette questions as the older of the two move their bodies slowly and accordingly to the rhythm "I might not be superman but I am your man" winking cheekily Hyunjin manages to paint Felix crimson just by his cheap lines and tricks
"Oh my god, where do you even learn such things," Felix asks, baffled at the other's shameless acts who just shrugs chivalrously "I was born with this" and with that they fell to silence again, eyes locked with one another and arms around each other's bodies they swayed along the song. seconds later Hyunjin had already lost himself to the melody and had begun singing along "There are so many lines I've crossed unforgiven, I'll tell you the truth but never goodbye" his voice was a hushed whisper blending smoothly with the song, something about the way he sang felt far more sincere than just singing along
and Felix stands there mesmerized by the boy who's holding him so safely in between his arms, moving their bodies like the world outside didn't exist, like they were the only living creatures and all has died down "I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you" Hyunjin grins at the end of the note as he pulls Felix even closer, this time leaving no space between their bodies which continued to swing melting Felix's heart "I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you" he leans closer, attaching their foreheads as he pecks Felix's nose making him grin "I've been sleeping so long in a twenty-year dark night, And now I see daylight...I only see daylight" he whispers against Felix's lips like he meant every single word of the song
And Felix could not have been more in love, was Hyunjin planning on killing him? Because if he continued with such affection Felix was sure to die of a heart attack "threw our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now, it's brighter now" somehow the lyrics of the song paralleled their lives and emotions so well that it left him bewildered. The song reached it's bridge and Hyunjin has now grabbed one of Felix's hand in his hand and held it next to their faces, snaking his arm around his waist and going in circles, barefoot on the ground the two boys stepped side by side in complete sync like they weren't two boys in the twentieth century but two lovers in the eighteen hundreds, dancing for the first or for the last time it is still yet to be fathomed. Hyunjin has stopped singing along and his eyes are entirely fixated on Felix's
And I can still see it all
In my mind
All of you, all of me
Intertwined
I once believed love would be black and white
"But it's golden" Hyunjin leans in and whispers taking Felix by a sudden delighted shock and swirling him back to that day where they were sat by the cliff discussing what color love is, the brunette's eyes glimmer while Hyunjin smiles
And I can still see it all
In my head
Back and forth, from New York
sneaking in your bed
"I once believed love would be burning red, but it's golden-like daylight" the two boys are once again back to their first posture but both of them are too fixated on each other to acknowledge it, with Hyunjin spilling the frothing potion of love his cauldron of a heart held nothing else really mattered for Felix. Back then, Hyunjin did believe love was burning red and it was Felix who thought love was golden, Hyunjin singing along to the song didn't just mean he was enjoying it, it reflected that he meant every single word and Felix knew better than anyone else, and to say the least, he was enchanted
The song ended and another had began playing, the two are still in each other's arms busy falling in love all over again. Moments slipped before Hyunjin's face lit up in complete joy as Felix smiled widely at his reaction, Hyunjin is already bopping his head to the melody moving their bodies slightly but ardently this time with his lips tucked up into the widest of smiles "do you like this song?" Felix questions, guessing by the way Hyunjin was so enthusiastic it must've been one of his favourite songs
"very much so"
he proclaims and twists Felix around, making the brunette giggle surprisedly before he was standing straight again with Hyunjin who was humming to the lyrics joyfully "Do you remember the 28th night of September?" his simper never slipping away as he sings along to the song setting Felix's heart on fire with the amount of glee in the moment. the brunette finds himself reminiscing the emotion love once again and copies Hyunjin's smile, what he wouldn't give to remain young forever, what he wouldn't give to remain in this night forever, still time and dance with Hyunjin to his favourite song until forever falls apart
"love was chasing the mind of pretenders while chasing the clouds away" Hyunjin pushes him away to grab hold of his hands and twist him around once again, each time he did so sweet giggles would echo from Felix's lips making his heart glimmer with delight and Hyunjin would've traded his everything just to keep this very smile on Felix's lips, to keep him this happy. he falls silent and suddenly there's no music playing in the background, all there is are the sounds of Felix's giggles, and the only sight visible is his gorgeous face
Hyunjin wanted to capture this moment, or freeze time so they won't run out of it, so morning won't come and this night won't slip away like August did. he wanted to steal the wheels of time and jam them for the rest of eternity. If that's what it'd take for him to remain here forever, with his Felix in this living room of their shared home, in between his arms his lover would dance forever, they'd grow old but time won't move, standing still until they've run out of their breaths on earth and have shifted to heaven, then only will it be allowed to move and progress
"Our hearts were ringing in the keys that our souls were singing, As we danced in the night remember how the stars stole the night away"
The song continues and they pursue dancing, merrily and gaily. jumping around in the living room as the lights of here became their mirrorball and the grounds of here became their dance floor "Hey, say that you remember, ai ai, dancing in September" Hyunjin was indefinitely the most jolly he has ever been in his life as he jumped with his hands holding Felix's as they go around in circles, dancing a waltz of their own. everything felt like it fit better than a lost piece in that one puzzle that's been incomplete for ages, better than collisions of universes. looking at how good they have it, looking at how heaven is wrapped around his skin and how bliss is all he feels these days Felix was finally made aware of what step to take next, it was now or never to make this decision, Hyunjin was right this truly was an opportunity they can't let slide and Felix prays he hadn't been late in concluding.
Remember the love that we share today...
____
After having danced their hearts out, eaten food, and showered the pair was finally ready to settle down and sleep, but there was only one problem; the broken bed. The two boys stand in front of the said bed and gaze at it with perplexion "You take the couch I'll sleep on the floor" Felix declares, walking over to the bed and grabbing the pillows sheets striding away from their shared room, Hyunjin sighs and follows him out of the bedroom and into the living room "No" he deadpans pulling Felix away from the coffee table the brunette was trying to thrust toward the window and pushing it on his own to make space on the floor "I won't take no for an answer Jinnie, you've worked all day you should--" Felix was cut off by Hyunjin's voice as the boy finishes setting away the table and now stood before him, eye to eye "If you're so determined to sleep on the floor then fine, we'll both sleep on the floor" Felix shakes his head at Hyunjin's suggestion
"Point is, you sleep comfortably" he whines, trying to take away the sheets Hyunjin was holding but the latter refused to let him work at all as he spreads out their bedsheet on the ground to help them get comfortable "Felix, baby, you can fit onto that couch-I can't" Hyunjin motions his hands toward his body and Felix couldn't help the pout that made its way on his lips, embarrassment soon flushed across his face as he looked away from Hyunjin onto the ground with red burning his cheeks
"come on now don't sulk, Hyung's tired darling let's go to sleep" Felix looks up and finds Hyunjin sitting on the floor with his arms spread wide, waiting for Felix to settle in them as the brunette chuckled lightly finding his embarrassment flushing away before walking over to Hyunjin and plopping in between his legs and arms, falling into his embrace who smiled "that's a good boy" the raven head jokingly praises Felix as he lies down on the pillow he's settled while Felix lies on his chest
"I forgot to turn the lights off" Hyunjin mumbled under a heave of breath, groaning before he gently pushed Felix off of him and strode to get the lights. 'should I tell him to not? he'll ask why and then get worried...but I really don't want it to be dark' Felix wonders in his mind a rushing train of thoughts as he furrows his brows and gulps anxiously 'It won't happen again, Hyunjin's here, everything will be okay' he assures himself but his mind just won't stop running to that afternoon he was all alone in his room, that afternoon when he decided to take a short nap before he woke up again to grab lunch with Chan and it rose wisps of fear around him
"I bought this for you"
Hyunjin clicks off the light and grabs something from the kitchen counter before ultimately settling down on the ground as he speaks and Felix is brought out of his wonderland, into the real world poring over Hyunjin and then down at his hands where the black-haired boy held a white small paper bag rising curiosity within Felix "What's it?" the brunette questions as he reposes himself and sits in front of the latter "see for yourself" Hyunjin answers with a short smile pushing the bag into Felix's grasp and Felix obliges by his words, searching throw the bag and taking out a small white pouch. he looked up at Hyunjin uncertainly and the other nodded so he proceeds
stripping down all the layers and revealing what is beneath, a pendant--a glimmering, silver crescent moon at that, its chain is thin and it has a dangly star hung at the bottom of it which attaches the moon to the chain. The boy looks up at Hyunjin, half perplexed and half amused "You gave me something that is very precious to you and I ought to return it...this won't ever be as precious to you as that pendant but I'm sure it will grow on you as time comes and goes. you've become my sun so I ought to become your moon, I rely on you for my light Felix but I won't ever leave your sky empty" Hyunjin's small smile has shifted to a shy lip bite because he's never really done this before and insecurity is arousing in his chest, he's unsure of what Felix's reaction might be and he's conscious of the fact if Felix likes his gift or not
"I...Hyunjin"
needless to say, it is very easy to make Felix cry and Hyunjin reckons that as he notices the shimmering tears in the brunette's eyes, the room is dark now that the only source of light is the moonlight from outside but still Hyunjin can make out the other's face as perfectly as ever "Oh baby, don't cry please" he sighs as Felix immediately wraps his arms around his neck, sitting on his knees and holding onto Hyunjin like dear life and it makes the other chuckle in affection "you're so nice" the brunette is clearly holding back sobs as he sniffles "I'm not, you're too cute" Hyunjin dodges the compliment like a bullet as Felix sits down on the ground again, looking down at the pendant in his hands while Hyunjin wipes away his happy tears
"let Hyung put it on for you"
the raven head offers, grabbing the silver jewellery from Felix's hands and unfastening it, holding it up to the brunette's neck he smiles before leaning in a little too close for his heart's well-being as he can smell the freshness of Felix's body wash and shampoo and his breath is visibly brushing past Felix's soft skin. he ties the two ends of the necklace together and rushingly departs from the close intimacy, realizing if he remained there for another second it will steal his heartbeat away. the rosy tint on Felix's cheeks elaborates the fast of his heart as he tries to avoid the visible tension in the room and looks down to hold his necklace in between his fingers
"Thank you so much, Hyunjinnie"
Felix smiles as he looks up brightly at the elder who chuckles gently, cupping his face and pecking his forehead "Do you like it?" he questions once he pulls away and Felix's vigorous nod is enough to give away his love for the gift as Hyunjin sighs in delight "you should sleep now" Felix utters, pulling away from Hyunjin and lying down on the ground patting the space beside him adorably as Hyunjin giggles at his actions "how cute" he mumbles more to him than anyone else and lies down, spreading out his arm and inviting Felix in between and the shorter gleefully slides inside
nestling against his chest and wrapping an arm around his stomach while Hyunjin's hand finds its way into Felix's hair. with the delightful events occurring Felix nearly forgets about his fears and focuses on the way Hyunjin's heart sounds beating beneath his head and Hyunjin focuses on the ceiling, admiring the feeling of having Felix by his side not even paying any mind to how rough the ground felt when laid upon, instead, he was running his mind around to times they've spent together. moments of silence pass before Hyunjin speaks up again "Felix? Are you asleep?" he quests gently and comes Felix's response; "No"
he licks his lips before continuing what he intended to say "I don't want to make you uncomfortable with this, and you can stop me if you won't -which you won't because you're too shy" Felix is confused about where Hyunjin is going with this balderdash but he finds the older grabbing Felix's hand instead, the one that's draped over Hyunjin's stomach "just squeeze Hyung's hand if you don't want me to talk about it, and I'll understand" he explains and a sudden burst of warmth has invaded Felix's chest
Hyunjin knows he'll never word out his disagreement with things so it'd be futile to ask him to do so, instead of just letting his habit be he's found a way around it and helped Felix with how he can ease his fear of displeasing others, no one has ever thought so much for him and he's once again surprised by the how's of the universe gifting Hyunjin to him "okay?" he nods against Hyunjin's chest as the other proceeds to speak "did that whistle boy ever bother you again?" Out of all of the things Hyunjin could've asked, Felix wasn't expecting him to ask this
there's a sudden silence in the air and Hyunjin can feel the brunette tense under his embrace, suddenly like it had been a spell that was cast over his ears are ringing, and flashes of what has been long gone flare before his eyes and he shuts them close, wishing it to never invade his sights again "yes" he utters out before he can dwell the matter any further, taking in a deep sigh he tries to ground himself by paying close attention to Hyunjin's rhythmic heartbeat, and it works
"why didn't you tell me?" suddenly, Hyunjin is filled with worry but is soon assured by a thumb caressing his hand "I didn't want to bother you, I knew you'd worry" Felix explains, softly. "still, you should've told me" Hyunjin's tone appeared needled by the fact and Felix didn't appreciate it, looking up he finds Hyunjin's eyes on himself "I'm sorry" he apologizes and the older massages his scalp in response "don't be...just tell Hyung about this sort of stuff okay? don't deal with things all alone" Felix smiles at Hyunjin's words keeping his eyes on the other's face
"Did he hurt you?" the raven head continues and Felix shakes his head no, lowering it and staring down at their intertwined hands "he was only after me for money which he apparently thought I had...when I was walking home one time he followed me, he didn't do anything just---looked very hurt, he had a knife but he never used it, he was visibly scared and out of his wits so I gave him all I had...which I would've anyway if he had asked nicely but I guess some people never change. after that, I never saw him again, there were some bad guys he kept muttering about and how they'll come to get him so I fathom he left town"
once Felix finishes his story he feels soft lips attach themselves to the top of his head and it brings a feeling of homeliness as he smiles just a little and closes his eyes "That's good then, I'm glad he didn't hurt you. If anything like that happens again, don't keep it to yourself and call out to me for help, okay?" Felix nods his head in agreement and he finds Hyunjin's fingers in his hair once again, carding in and massaging. Silence didn't last for long when Hyunjin once again spoke up "I...went to a job interview today" He sounds distant and hesitant as Felix looks up at him, his facial expressions neutral now as he stares at Hyunjin "Did it go well?" He questions, not a single thread of judgement in those words and it puts Hyunjin at ease "Surprisingly, yes" The bright smile that ornaments Felix's face fills Hyunjin's heart with rapture and courage
"That's so incredible! I'm so proud of you! Why are you telling me this now"
In a thud of a heart's beat Felix was out of Hyunjin's embrace and sitting up making the raven head chuckle shyly "I mean it's not that marvelous or anything" he runs a hand through his hair and his tongue over his lips, fondling the bottom one in between his teeth "it is! It is absolutely marvelous" Felix beams in joy and it makes Hyunjin want to pull out his hair, how could he feel so happy about something Hyunjin found absolutely silly? "I didn't really do anything, honestly. The man---you know, the CEO he's very bizarre" Felix lies back down, this time next to Hyunjin instead of on his chest as the other turns on his side to continue with his conversation while Felix listens to him attentively
"How so?" He questions and Hyunjin clicks his tongue, running his eyes around in the dark moon-lit room trying to think of a clear reason "Just...odd, he called me in for the interview and I wasn't expecting to get a good position or even being hired, I heard they were looking for a part-time proofreader and the qualification level began from highschool grad so I thought I might have a chance, I go there and they're already interviewing people so this receptionist asks me to wait and I do---" Hyunjin's rant of how the place smelt like and why he absolutely loathed every person sitting in that room went on for long before he actually got to the point of this entire story time he'd started
"And he asks me my name so I tell him and suddenly he's just star-studded, he looks up from the file immediately and just stares at me for a good 5 seconds before he speaks again, right. All he says is 'Hwang' and then he pauses so I'm like okay it's because of Seo-joon, my dickhead of a biological father so I'm already getting ready to get out of here but he stops me and just enthusiastically announces I'm hired so I'm thrown off" Hyunjin's eyes are staring straight into Felix's but his hands have already travelled all the seas and are back home from their journey and Felix finds it so endearing, how he goes on with endless rants and moves his hands around as if a spokesperson
"But they're still paying me a crazy amount of money so what could really go wrong" his rampant had finally ended and Felix isn't too happy about his last statement "Are you sure it's safe?" He quests, eyebrows furrowed and worry visible behind those glimmering eyes "Yes, don't worry" Hyunjin smiles reassuringly as the brunette sighs and scoots closer to Hyunjin, letting him wrap a single arm around his neck and hold his waist by the other as he mirrors Hyunjin's acts and snuggles close to the taller boy, inhaling his scent and deciding this silenced second was the best to announce the decision he's took earlier, his heart thrummed with apprehension but he was sure it was all in vain and none of this mattered, Hyunjin was here and there was nothing he needed to fear
"Hyunjin"
He whispers out the other's name who hums in response
"I want to get treated"
He was visibly hesitant and Hyunjin wasn't late to notice that
"Are you sure, baby?"
The brunette sighs deeply, tilting his head upward to look into Hyunjin's eyes, gathering himself before he answers again
"Yes, I'm sure. I might've been scared before but this time I'm ready"
____
This chapter is a HOT mess and I apologize for it lol, the circumstances I went under writing this ch 💀 Istg the writers curse is getting to me. Anyways I didn't proof read this bcs I've been writing this all night, I just had to get this ch out so I'm sorry about the mistakes please ignore them and ignore how late this update is as well lol, love you take care and stay hydrated <33