I Wish You Roses - Kali Uchis
THEA'S POV:
Exam week announced its arrival with a grand wave of its hand and the rustling of yellow and pink test papers. The walls were emblazoned with a variety of clocks, desks pinned with identification cards, and examiners who paraded down the aisles with amiable smiles and watchful eyes. Students filled the sports hall with faces full of dread and hands threading through their hair in hopes of recalling the facts they'd crammed only ten minutes before.
I sat at the edge of the hall, exam paper in front of me.
And just as quickly they had come, the tests were over. As soon as the final bell rang, anxious babbling filled the corridors and answers were thrown over each other's heads. Tears spilled from girls' faces and nonchalant laughter slipped from people's mouths in hopes of dressing the situation in pretty colours. I made my way through the crowded halls and out of the main doors. I waited for the same rush of anxiety and relief after any exam as I made my way down the steps but nothing came except for the cool fronds of air on my face.
All other emotions had fluttered out my head, having been frightened by the dark creature paying residence in the quarters of my mind.
In a matter of weeks, my brain had closed in on itself - drawn up its shutters, bolted the doors, and thrown away every key it could think of. I'd tried my best to act normal in front of people like Ember and the new girl, Danny, but it felt futile. Guilt was an emotion that only worsened with time, and fear was one I was all too familiar with. Sometimes I would wake with a start in the middle of the night, grasping my neck, beads of sweat rolling down my chest, only to find someone staring at me in the dark.
That dead, lonely man.
My breath would hitch. My eyes would pool. He neither moved nor batted an eyelid. All that shifted was the laceration in his neck which gurgled blood like a newborn, a familiar crimson dripping from skin and pattering on the floorboards.
But then, Synn.
Synn.
His hand would appear, rough fingers softly gliding over my mouth to bottle my screams. Slowly, his other hand would join and guide me into his broad, familiar chest. He'd hold me, save me. Again and again and again.
And then I'd wake to find that I had never truly woken.
I should have been over him. I hadn't known him long. We'd only met a handful of times, had a handful of conversations, looked into each other's eyes a handful of times- but now there were a handful of emotions in my heart which I couldn't seem to claw out of me. I didn't understand why, how. How could I feel this way for a man like that? For a murderer? How could I hate those hands that fingerpainted with blood and yearn for him to paint me all the same? It went against every moral my mother had sewn into my body and every kindness my father had draped upon my shoulders.
As I trod down the school steps, a familiar tightness returned to my chest and I fought the urge to clutch it. Only three weeks ago, I had sat on my bed with quivering hands and eyes full of tears, my fingers hovering over his name on my phone. He had called me dozens of times, perhaps a hundred, and it broke me to imagine how frustrated he was. It shouldn't have mattered to me how he was feeling but it did.
I still liked him, after all.
But, as a tear trickled down the bridge of my nose, it had taken everything inside me to press the button. Block number.
And that was it.
That was my declaration that I was against what he had done, even if it was for my own protection. At least, it was supposed to be. I hoped it would be enough to deter the man who'd buried himself so deeply inside me, that I conveyed my anger and resentment towards him, but I was still suffering the consequences of my actions. I missed him terribly. Exams that would have normally gnawed at me felt like a mere mosquito bite, one which I couldn't fathom to acknowledge.
I could only imagine how angry Mama would be if I didn't pass them.
"Thee."
A familiar voice called from behind me, one which normally rang with spring and joy, but sounded more like a tired contraction of her jaw. I looked over my shoulder and found Ember sluggishly approaching.
"Hey, Em."
The sun was warm, warmer than it should have been on a February afternoon, like honey being drizzled on one's face that puddled to the ground. On a day like this (despite having sat through consecutive exams), we would have been raving about summer approaching, fairytale plans to go to Greece, Thailand, Morocco and meet our future husbands, all the rollercoasters we could go on if we just woke up early enough and didn't get caught up in traffic. But Ember's face was glum and her eyebrows furrowed in a scowl, which indicated summer was on neither of our minds.
"How did mechanics go?"
"Shit."
I licked my lips and gave her a little bop with my head on her shoulder. "I'm sure it went better than you think," I said. Muttering under her breath, she reached into her inner blazer pocket and pulled out a lollipop. "You studied hard for that one, didn't you?"
"It's not that. It wasn't the revision."
The green wrapper crinkled as Ember wrestled it off the stick. "What was it?"
She shook her head.
"I'm not gonna judge. I won't say anything if you don't want me to," I said softly and tilted my head forward; I didn't know how I had the energy to smile but somehow, I did. It made all the difference as she looked at me. Eyes and resolve wavering, Ember sighed and stuck the sweet in her mouth.
"It's just Pierce getting himself into trouble again." I stiffened at the mention of the boy, swallowed, then urged for her to continue. "He ended up in some... I don't know, he just got in some fight and got beat up pretty badly. It's weird because normally he's the one winning those fights, not the other way round. But he can't even move his shoulder and his arm is bent in some weird angle. I swear, Thee, I've never seen anything like it before. I've- I've never even seen him cry. And now he's at the hospital and not telling me who did it. I don't know if it's his ego or something but he just- he pisses me off."
All while she spoke, my eyes silently widened and words grew trapped in my throat. Pierce got beaten up? By whom?
Dread touched down my spine for I already felt I knew the answer.
It made my head flutter like a dove's wings, stray feathers clouding my vision. Ember reached for my arm and frowned.
"Are you okay?"
Drawing my palm to my forehead, I pushed my hair out of my face and laughed awkwardly. "Yeah, um- yeah, I'm fine."
"I mean, I know he's not the friendliest with you, so at least he'll be out of your way for a while," she remarked. "And don't worry about him. He probably got beat up because he deserved it."
Because he deserved it.
Those words resonated in my ears. They were the same, the same as that day.
"He deserved to die. You expect me to show mercy– did he show you any mercy?"
I screwed my eyes shut and let out a slow breath. Even then, I couldn't blink Synn's blue eyes away.
"Are you sure you're okay, Thee?" said Ember. She drew one arm around my waist. "I didn't even get to ask how biology went for you."
"Hm? Yeah, it was, um, fine."
I slipped out of her hold and stumbled a few steps away from her. Her brows creased further.
"I think I'm gonna go to the cafe today," I smiled sheepishly but I could feel my throat constricting with every word.
"Okay... do you want me to come with you?"
She made a move towards me.
"No! No, it's okay," I said and waved in protest. "I need to pick up a few things from the shops anyway and I'll take long."
Confusion marked her features, making me smile wider in reassurance. A cold breeze rustled through our hair and she nodded slowly, cautiously sticking her lollipop back in her mouth. "I'll text you, yeah?"
I nodded.
Turning, my smile dropped and I clasped the scarf draping over my chest with a desperate hand. My heart thundered. My mouth grew dry. Eels glissaded through my intestines and it took all my strength not to stagger or bump into those passing me by. Instead, I focused on my footsteps. I placed one foot in front of the other and tried not to picture the man with tattoos who appeared in every crevice of my vision.
I walked and walked until the high street appeared and a familiar sign creaked back and forth beside the designated cafe. Swiftly, I crossed the road and pushed against the glass door. The scent of coffee met my nostrils, graced with sweet treats and baked goods which made my stomach rumble and my heart content. To my surprise, the cafe was vacant. No more than two customers resided in the corner, munching on a croissant flaked with almonds.
I stepped towards the counter. Unlike my time with Synn, there wasn't a boy at the counter; there was a middle aged woman and she was beaming much like the sun from outside through a pair of spectacles.
"What can I get you?"
"Hi, could I have..."
My eyes danced over the glass case and the goodness behind it.
"Give me one black coffee and a hot chocolate, extra whipped cream and vanilla syrup. And a piece of cheesecake."
"Could I have a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and vanilla syrup please?" I stared at the slices of blueberry cheesecake. "And one of the pieces of cheesecake too?"
"Sure, let me get that for you."
I watched with a heavy heart as the lady concocted my order and placed it perfectly on a tray in front of me. Handing her the money, I didn't wait for my change. I carefully clasped the tray and moved to my favourite seat in the cafe - the cosy corner table - before lowering it onto the table. I sunk into the cushions and dropped my bag beside me. Before I could reach for my hot chocolate, I winced and looked at the seat in front of me: empty.
A part of me wished to order a black coffee for Synn and set it in front of me.
With quivering hands, I lifted the hot chocolate to my lips and blew softly into the froth. My lips trembled and my eyes grew watery. Looking away, I watched out of the window and sipped the scorching liquid, ignoring the way it burned my tongue. I didn't know why it hurt so much. The sadness had come upon me so suddenly, the memories seeping straight from my fingertips into the world around me to form a warm, comforting vision.
I remembered the way Synn had sat in front of me - such an imposing form, with legs spread wide and elbows placed in front of him to watch me like a mouse. He'd seemed intrigued, frustrated, amused. So many emotions loved to flicker through his ocean eyes and I loved spotting them, each like a light of some sort reflecting upon the sea. I remembered how afraid I was to see him again but so very much unafraid when we looked at each other, gazes connected, tension dispelling like a mist returning to the sky. How would I feel if I saw him again? Would I look at him with fear once more?
Something wet fell past my cheek.
I blinked and looked down. A tear had fallen straight into my drink where it rippled, then stayed. Sniffling, the cup clattered as I set it down and reached for a tissue across the table.
But there was already one being held out in front of me.
I stilled.
My neck snapped upwards with his name already on my lips.
"Synn-"
I stopped at the sight of the person behind the napkin, eyes tracing the slender curve of their arm veiled by a white linen shirt. There was no tattooed man awaiting me. It was a woman's hand, a woman's face and a woman's eyes that rendered me still.
"Oh, I-I'm sorry," I stammered. "I thought you were... I was..."
"It's okay. Take it."
The woman's voice was deep but made of silk. Her eyes flicked down at the napkin, then back at me. Although a part of me felt strange accepting it, it would feel even ruder refusing. Hesitantly, I grasped the soft, expensive fabric. There was an M embroidered in the corner.
"Thank you," I said meekly and wiped my eyes with the napkin.
The slow click of heels against tiles resonated from beside me. My gaze lifted from the table to find the woman staring out of the window, slowly moving towards the chair opposite me. Only now did I take in her appearance.
She was... breathtakingly beautiful. My tears had blinded me from such a fact. Dragging a hand of long, manicured nails across the armchair, she stopped and turned her gaze to me. I soon noticed that the colour of her nails mirrored her mouth, both stained a deep crimson as if dipped in cherry blood. But it was her eyes that ensnared me completely. Half-hidden by monolids, there was something sultry about the way they moved over my features, like she was taking me in as much as I was taking her. It was enough to make my face grow hot in embarrassment. I shouldn't have been staring.
"Sorry, I, um." I gestured with the napkin. "I made it dirty. But I can wash it if you want-"
"That's not a problem."
She nodded down at the seat her hands were resting on.
"Were you waiting for someone?"
"N-No," I stammered and my stomach shifted in disappointment. "No, I wasn't."
"Then, may I sit?"
"Um, yeah, of course."
At my response, the woman stepped forward and lowered herself into the chair, making me squeeze the napkin in my lap. She was dressed in a loose, linen shirt and a pair of tan pants which were cuffed around the waist: something so simple yet she managed to make it look incredible. As she sat, her straight black hair cascaded over her shoulders and she crossed one leg over the other. Her eyes caught mine again and I cleared my throat, scrunching the napkin further.
"Is there a reason you're crying, my love?"
I swallowed. I licked my lips. "No, I... I just got emotional about something. It's nothing to worry about."
Languidly, a smile slid across her mouth. "He's not worth your tears, you know that?"
My knuckles tightened.
"How- How did you know?"
"I'm very familiar with the look of heartbreak on a woman. I've had my fair share of troubles."
"Oh." Embarrassed, I fiddled with the strings of my scarf. I didn't know why I was embarrassed in front of a stranger but she had a presence about her, one which made me hyper-aware of my appearance and the way I was sitting. Clearing my throat, I sat up straighter. "You see, it's... it's not really heartbreak. I was the one to end things, not him. I don't think that counts."
"Heartbreak is heartbreak, whether you were the one to make that choice or not. It doesn't mean the choice is painless," she said softly, with emphasis.
I hummed in agreement and nodded my head. Quietly, I raised the cup to my lips and sipped the warm chocolate, ignoring the way my stomach was churning.
"Did you have enough?"
I lowered the cup and frowned. "Enough?"
"Allow me to make an educated guess." Her dark eyes cruised over my appearance and the corner of her mouth tilted upwards. The way she spoke, every word was pronounced as if not a stray letter dared escape. It made her mouth all the more seductive. Blinking, I looked back at her eyes. "You met a man. He was charming, kind, intelligent. Everything you could want, right? He ticked all of the boxes on lists you didn't even know you had. He said words which made you burn, made you feel invigorated. But more than anything, it was the promises he made which kept you rooted. You believed in him and his words. But words are a fickle thing, aren't they? How easy it is to lie to a person when they believe in good but are blind to evil."
The woman leaned back in her chair and linked her fingers together.
"So, did you have enough?"
My gaze dropped to my hot chocolate. How did she know so much? How could she see right through me? But what unsettled me most was... she sounded just like Mama. Synn had done all those things for me: he'd made me feel alive, happy, safe when I was around him, and his words had wrapped blindfolds around my eyes all the same. He'd taken it all away in just a matter of seconds. Those soft, gentle words had meant nothing in the presence of blood oozing from between his fingers.
Had I had enough?
Eyes shifting to the piece of cheesecake, I stared intently at it for a moment. At the golden crumbs. At the purple tinge from the blueberries. At the kindness which Synn once gave to me.
"No, I haven't."
I expected surprise on the woman's face, the widening of eyes perhaps, but instead, a steady, curious smile spread across her mouth.
"No? Did I say anything that wasn't true?" she inquired.
"The man who you're talking about, he's not that kind of man," I said. Before I had any chance to think of my next sentence, it was already leaving my mouth. "Something happened between us and it means we can't be friends anymore. I won't let us be friends. But not because of what kind of person he is. He isn't evil like you think. He's kind and he's gentle, and he apologises when he makes mistakes, and he's protected me when I thought I had no one. There are still differences between us so it means we have to stay away." I furrowed my brows. "But I don't like the way you're making assumptions about me and someone you haven't met. It's not very polite."
The woman stared at me, then tilted her head to the side. She grinned through red lips and her silky hair slipped past one shoulder.
"I'm sorry, my love. I wasn't trying to insult you." Keenly, she leaned forward. "But I never thought I'd hear of Synn Lovato Álvarez being described as gentle and kind."
My breath hitched.
His name. How did she know his name?
"How did you-"
"I'll cut to the chase, Thea."
My lips wavered as her feline eyes caught mine. My heart was pounding, but even as she was revealing this information, her presence was one of pure calm and collection.
"I'm well aware of your relationship with Synn and I know what you saw him do. You see, it was my man he killed."
I shot up from the table.
My world spun, my throat drying like a desert plane.
No. She was lying. She had to be.
"It was never part of the plan to get you involved but Haitao got ahead of himself. He didn't know you were in the car at the time and thought he'd get rid of the eyewitness." Slyly, she smiled. She tapped her nose. "That's why you never send a man to do a woman's job."
"You- You-"
"You are not my enemy as long as you act on your own, Thea," she said coolly while looking up at me. I was shaking, trembling. "I have a very special relationship with women. I believe we are far superior to men. We're capable of retaining softness. We're capable of nurturing your emotions instead of suppressing them like a little boy would do. You can learn to stay calm, not to act on impulse, to make the right decisions when I need you to. And a girl who's damaged? That is most precious of all."
Slowly, the woman uncrossed her legs. She rose from her chair to tower over me, a tall figure of deadly elegance. Her eyes fell to my nose, my lips, then back to my eyes.
"But even a damaged girl acting with the enemy," she voiced, placing a hand on my shoulder, "Becomes an enemy." She stared intently. "I do not want that for you."
My eyes burned in fear, hot tears threatening to spill from my cheeks. "You... tried to kill us."
"Him. There's a difference."
She was the cause of this, of what happened to me and Synn. She was standing right in front of me - the one who had shattered my hope in man.
"Why?"
All that escaped me was a broken whisper.
Her brows came together and her voice grew higher in pitch as if she were speaking to a child. "Because of who he is."
Before I knew it, I was pushing her hand away and looking at the woman furiously. Warmth trickled down my cheek.
"And who is he? Who is Synn?"
Mockingly, she chuckled. "I thought you told me who he was."
I flinched as she leaned towards me and placed a cold, painted hand on my cheek, letting her thumb slide under my eye to wipe my tears. Closer now, her rose-scented perfume seemed poisonous; its vines wove around me with green prickling thorns that threatened to tear my skin, a beauteous danger that no one else could detect. One of her nails pressed against my cheek and another tear met her finger. Dark, pitless eyes bore into mine.
"You said he was kind," she smiled.
I swallowed thickly.
"The choice is yours." Her hand dropped. "You've already been acting wisely. Staying away from that man is the right decision. I pray you keep it that way."
I shook my head, fingers clenching tightly. "I don't understand," I whispered. "Who is he? Why- Why are you trying to kill a person? It's illegal. I-It's wrong. You can't!"
Maintaining eye contact, I watched the woman slip a hand into her pocket and return with a silver card.
"But I can, my love."
She passed it to me. I took it. My fingers quivered. I looked down at the writing.
Elusion, it read.
But that was all. Sucking in a shaky breath, I turned it over. Nothing. I tilted it back and forth, left and right, all in hopes of figuring out what was meant behind the word - but there was no secret explanation awaiting me.
I looked up with my lips parted to speak.
But the woman had disappeared.
All that remained was a stream of phantom rose petals which hung in the air, twirled, billowed like a fragment of wind trapped inside the cafe.
The silver card burned like coal in the palm of my hand.
*****
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Hey fudglings!
OOHHHH THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET INTERESTINGGGG
What did you guys think? My poor baby Thea struggling with her feelings :(( she deserves the world honestly can you imagine being traumatised from a murder? MY LIL SQUISHY BEB ,_, and now the introduction of a new character (whom I'm absolutely in love with). Any thoughts about her? Elusion was actually mentioned in one of the previous chapters but don't worry, you'll find out more about them :) NGL THAT WOMAN WAS SEXY THOUGH THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HERRR and what do you think Thea will do with this info now?
I started watching a new K-drama called Weak Hero and BRO?? STFU THIS SHOW IS AMAZING THE FIGHTING SCENES?? THE SOFT FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN SCHOOL BOYS? AYO THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR I LOVE IT SO MUCH and oh my gosh I'm reading Circe by Madeline Miller and it's honestly one of the most beautiful books I've read. I aspire to write like her. Her portrayal of a woman surviving the world of men and oppression is so incredible, makes me so emotional
Also I went to watch The Crucible at the theatre in London and IT WAS PHENOMENAL AHHHH I LOVE WATCHING PLAYS SO MUCH I WISH I COULD SEE ALL THE PLAYS IN THE WHOLE WORLD- also I went to Chinatown and some guy wearing a Pikachu costume came up to me and I thought it was one of those cute people who want to take pictures or something but no he came up to me and said "habibti habibti" and blew me a kiss AND I GOT SO SCARED I BASICALLY RAN AWAY LMAO it was funny at the time
Potato question of the day: if you could live in another country, where would you go?
Turkey. Turkey 100%. I KNOW THE ECONOMY AINT THE BEST RIGHT NOW AND THERE ARE ALWAYS FLAWS WITH EVERY COUNTRY BUT LET ME LIVE OUT MY TURKISH SHOW DREAMS AND FIND MYSELF A HOT TURKISH GUY WHO'S OBSESSED WITH ME AND WILL UNALIVE ANYONE WHO BREATHES AT ME IN THE WRONG WAY and also I love the culture so so much and the GATOS I'm so excited because I'm visiting Istanbul at the end of July/start of August and there's so much to seeeee AHHHHH I LOVE TRAVELLING I'd 100% relocate there
Anyway, thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter. If you did, please do vote, comment and share this book with your friends! I love you all my squishies!
Love, Fudge x