Erynn's POV:
It had been 8 months since Saffron and I broke up, and I still couldn't get her out of my mind. The thought of her continues to linger in my mind like a stubborn shadow that refuses to disappear.
I remember the last time I saw her like it was just yesterday. We locked eyes at the airport before Saffron boarded her flight, leaving London behind. Leaving me behind. I had just arrived back from Vienna, intending to take a break from touring. I was planning to go and beg Saffron to take me back during the break. And the timing couldn't have been worse.
As I stood there staring at her, my heart sank, knowing that it could be the last time I ever saw her. I wanted to grab her hand and tell her not to go, to beg her to stay and give our love another chance. But I knew deep down that it was pointless. Saffron had made up her mind, and no amount of convincing could change it. I hurt her enough and so I walked, looking back to see her disappearing fom view.
In the past months, I had moved in my own flat, not needing to share with the others anymore, our music career is still going strong, making us as busy as ever. But the thoughts of Saffron were still engraved in my heart.
I had written countless songs about her, songs that I would never release. I couldn't bear the thought of Saffron hearing them. I knew she had moved to Berlin, Nima told me. And it was like she was in a different world now. And yet, I missed her.
I would often find myself daydreaming about the times we spent together, the laughs we shared, and the plans we made for the future.
I try to move on, to date other people, to distract myself from the gnawing ache in my heart, but nothing seems to work. Saffron was the love of my life, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake off the feeling that a part of me will always be incomplete without her.
As I continue on with life, I wonder if Saffron ever thinks about me, about us. Does she ever miss me the way I miss her? Or has she moved on completely, leaving me behind in the past?
The only connection left between Saffron and I is Nima. One day, I found myself in a group chat with Thalia, Heidi and Nima. She wanted our help asking Caoimhe to be her girlfriend and after that, we hit it off, and eventually, we became close friends. From time to time, we talked about Saffron, and I couldn't help but feel a twinge in my chest each time she came up.
I knew it wasn't wise to keep holding on to something that was over, but my heart refused to let go. I missed everything about her - the way she laughed, the way she held my hand, the way she looked at me, like I was the only person in the world.
I couldn't bring myself to tell Nima how I felt about Saffron, knowing it would only make things complicated. But every conversation about Saffron felt like a bittersweet reminder of what I had lost. I knew I had to move on, but how could I, when she was still everywhere in my heart?
Regret, it's like a big ball of frustration, self pity and blame all rolled into one. The reality is that "I could have", "I should have", and "If I tried harder" are all worth nothing and I'm left with nothing but the harsh and cruel truth that I let this happen. I'm the one to blame.
—————-x—————
During the band's USA tour.
After a successful show, we all sat in Caoimhe's hotel room, casually sipping on cups of tea and sharing stories, the atmosphere was both relaxed and vibrant. Nima visited Caoimhe so instead of going out and partying, we chose to stay inside and catch up.
Little did I know that the conversation that evening would take an unexpected turn, tugging on the strings of my heart.
As laughter echoed through the room, and we reminisced stories from the Europe tour, my mind couldn't help but wander. What was the latest news on Saffron? At that moment, it's like Heidi read my mind.
"Hey, Nima," she interrupted, interjecting into the ongoing conversation. "How's Saffron doing? It's been a while since we've all seen her."
Nima's face instantly lit up, a hint of surprise gleaming in her eyes. "Oh, Saffron! She's doing really well, actually. She's been seeing — cough" Nima started but suddenly stopped, choking on air it seems.
Intrigued, I prodded. "She's been seeing...what?"
Nima took a gulp of her drink, then laughed like she got caught doing something she wasn't supposed to. "She's been seeing...her mom! She's seeing her mom a lot!"
"Oh that's awesome then." Thalia said, glancing not so secretly at me, gauging my reaction. Weird.
"Yep totally! She's closer to her mom now that they live closer to each other." Nima said, still chuckling awkwardly, leaning back in Caoimhe's arms. "I'm really proud of her, she's a music editor-in-chief now, that's been her dream for as long as I've known her." Nima added, happy for her best friend.
Listening to Nima speak about Saffron, I couldn't help but feel a mix of longing and bittersweet nostalgia. Memories of our time together flooded my mind, casting a shadow over the room.
Heidi chimed in, "It's so great to hear that she's fulfilling her dreams. I know how much that means to her."
I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy hearing about Saffron's success. Did she think about me at all? Did she ever wonder about how I was doing or if I had moved on? I tried to push those thoughts aside and focus on the conversation at hand.
Caoimhe noticed me fidgeting and asked, "Erynn, you okay?"
I nodded, trying to come up with a response that didn't sound too forced. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just happy to hear that Saffron is doing well." I couldn't hide the slight tremor in my voice as I delicately mentioned her name, pretending it was just nothing.
My words were met with silence, and I knew that everyone could see right through my façade. It was no secret that I was still hung up on Saffron, even months after our breakup. But no one said anything, instead, they all just exchanged knowing glances and went back to talking.
As the night wore on, I found myself lost in my thoughts, wondering what Saffron was doing at this very moment, and if she ever misses me the way that I miss her.
But I knew that regardless of how I felt, life moved on, and I had to learn to do the same. Maybe one day, I would be able to look back on our relationship with fondness instead of sadness, but that day wasn't today. So for now, I just had to take comfort in the fact that Saffron is doing well and that her dreams are coming true, even if they didn't involve me.
————-x———-xx—————
During a concert...
The bright lights dimmed and the crowd erupted in applause as our band, Quirky Stevens, finished our last song of the night. The four of us stood on stage, breathing hard, as we took in the cheers and whoops of the audience. I couldn't help but smile at how far we had come, from getting kicked out of dive bars to playing at sold-out shows.
As we walked off the stage, I couldn't help but feel emotional. My heart was beating fast, and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. My bandmates looked at me with concern, but they knew what had happened.
It seemed like everything had hit me all at once, all the pent up frustration, stress, and heartbreak this past months all came crashing down on me and I was unsure how to deal with it.
As we reached our backstage room, I tried to compose myself, but it was a tough task.
"Are you okay?" Thalia asked, putting her hand on my arm, concern etched on her face.
I nodded, not trusting my voice to respond. Heidi brought me a bottle of water, and I took a sip, trying to steady myself.
Caoimhe sat next to me and took my hand in hers. "You did great tonight," she said, trying to cheer me up.
I forced a smile, but it felt like a struggle. "I know," I replied, my voice choked up.
Thalia came to sit on the other side of me, and we all stayed quiet for a few moments, lost in our thoughts.
Then, Heidi proposed a toast, and we all raised our drinks. "To Erynn, our rockstar," she said, grinning.
Despite feeling like a heartbroken mess, I couldn't help but laugh at her comment. The girls had a way of cheering me up, even when I felt like I was drowning in my own emotions.
We talked for a while, reminiscing about our past performances, and planning for the future ones. And even though I still felt sad, I knew that I had an amazing support system to turn to.
As we were getting ready to head out, Thalia pulled me aside. "Are you sure you're okay?" she asked, looking at me intently.
I took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah, I'll be fine," I said, giving her a small smile.
Thalia hugged me tightly, and I felt a lump form in my throat. "We're here for you, always," she whispered in my ear.
And that was when I knew that everything was going to be okay.
—————- -
As we said our goodbyes to the crew and prepare to go back our hotel rooms, Nima came to pick up Caoimhe, she watched the show backstage but had to take a call outside.
"Where's Kweevs? I'm hungry." Nima asked as soon as she saw us.
"Oh. You're hungry huh?" Heidi asked suggestively. Thalia hitting her arm, knowing what Heidi's implying.
"For food bro, but I mean I can always —hmmp!" Before Nima can finish what she's saying, Caoimhe came and slapped her hand over her mouth. I snorted at Nima's dumbfounded expression.
"Okay! Well we'e going now, see ya later!" Caoimhe said, removing her hand from Nima's mouth. I saw the way they looked at each other, their eyes full of love and adoration.
My smile faded, Sometimes I think how they made it work when Saffron and I couldn't. Before I could dwell on it much and drown in self pity, I stopped and reminded myself to be happy for them, remembering our relationships are different.
Before leaving, Nima gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, "Saffron would be proud of you, she always talked about how much she believed in your talent. She's your number 1 fan."
I forced a smile on my face and nodded, not knowing if it was a lie. But deep down, I wanted to believe that Saffron was still rooting for me, even if we couldn't be together anymore.
—————-x—-x————xxx——x———-x————-x
A few days later...
I don't know what came over me this week, I thought I was done with the pain and heartache but right now it feels like it's coming back as strong as the day we broke up. My heart weighs heavy with regret and sadness as I think of all the things I could have done differently to make things work between us. Maybe if I had made more time for her, shown more effort, been more understanding...things might have turned out differently.
As I sit in the studio, trying to write down new song lyrics, I suddenly recalled a conversation I had with Paige, the day after my breakup.
"I saw this coming..." I said, forcing to keep the tears at bay.
Paige sighed, looking at me helplessly. "Then why didn't you try to avoid it?"
"...I didn't want to believe that it would actually happen..."
"Oh Erynn..."
As I sit there, lost in my thoughts, Thalia, Caoimhe, and Heidi walk in, their faces eager with excitement.
"Erynn! We're going for drinks, come on!" Thalia exclaims, grabbing my hand and pulling me off the couch.
Caoimhe hands me my jacket and pats me on the back, her grin infectious. "Come on, let's go, we all need a bit of fun."
At first, I was reluctant to go out drinking with my bandmates, trying to protest that I'm not in the mood, but they convinced me that it would be good for me to let loose and have a good time. I agreed, hoping it would take my mind off Saffron.
But as we downed one drink after another, the barrier that I had carefully built to keep my emotions in check, slowly crumbled. All those times I tried not to think about her came at full force. I couldn't help but think of all the times we shared together.
Somewhere along the line, I found myself pouring out my heart to my bandmates, telling them how much I still missed and loved Saffron. I couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to be so vulnerable in front of them.
Caoimhe, Heidi, and Thalia listened to me patiently, giving me words of encouragement and support. But the more I talked about Saffron, the more my heart ached, and I found myself bursting into tears.
I remember crying uncontrollably, feeling so lost, and helpless. I missed Saffron so much that it felt like a physical pain.
Slowly, my bandmates held my hand, hugging me tightly, assuring me that everything would be alright. I knew they were right, but the thought of moving on and leaving Saffron in the past was too much for me to bear.
As the night wore on, I became quieter, lost in my thoughts, remembering all the moments shared with Saffron. I knew I had to find a way to move on, but deep down, I wasn't sure if I ever would.
As I sobered up, I could feel the weight of my confession looming over me like a dark cloud. I felt embarrassed that I had shown so much weakness in front of my bandmates.
Between the tears and drinks, Caoimhe leaned towards me and spoke softly. "Erynn, I know it hurts now, but you have to keep moving forward. You can't keep living in the past like this. It's hard to hear but Erynn it's been 8 months."
I sniffled, wiping the tears away from my face. "But how can I just forget about her? She was my everything."
Heidi placed a hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to forget about her, Erynn. You just have to learn to let go and accept that she's no longer a part of your life. Focus on yourself and the things that make you happy."
Thalia nodded in agreement. "And remember that you have us. We'll always be here for you, no matter what."
Their words were comforting, and for a moment, I felt grateful to have such caring and supportive friends. But deep down, the thought of moving on without Saffron was still daunting.
As the night drew to a close and we hugged each other goodbye, I knew that their advice and encouragement would stick with me. It would take time, but I was determined to find a way to move on and focus on my present and future.
I walked home that night, feeling both drained and hopeful. It wouldn't be easy, but I knew I had to try. For myself, for my music, and for the sake of all the people who genuinely cared about me.
——————-xx——————-
(A/N:) Saffron seemed to have moved on while Erynn on the other hand is still a mess, deserved? 😂
2 more chapters and we'll have Erynn and Saff in the one chapter again :)